Asking ex husbands to be back up childcare if I go into labour

[Alicejuniper]

I genuinely want to know if I am in the wrong here.

currently ex husband sees kids every other weekends. We do live around 2hours away (this was due to financial reasons and other reasons).he is a very good father. I have been with my now oh for just over a year (known for nearly 2 decades) and are expecting a surprise baby in July. Current plan is that my mum will watch kids when I have my Elcs. She will have to travel down via public transport as she is also a bit of a distance. She has said that if I do go into labour beforehand she doesn’t know if she will be able to do it due to being dsis childcare and also due to public transport if not planned oh would have to meet her half way and she would have to travel back with them. I have asked exh as he has emergency carers leave that if I did go into labor would he be able to watch them while I am in labour/have cs as otherwise oh would have to stay with the kids and I would have to do it on my own. He has basically said that it is not his responsibility to help when it is not his kid and he thinks it is mean I am asking him. He has now calmed down but is still saying that he is unsure and thinks I am in the wrong for even considering him as a option. Wibu

Your ex won't agree to look after his own kids while you, their only other parent, is incapacitated?
I mean well done you for making him an ex. Don't give him a choice. This is something he needs to do as their parent. Otherwise he is expecting your mother or their stepfather to cover for him.

It doesn't matter what the reason is - you needing surgery, having had an accident, giving birth. If you can't care for his kids temporarily it is his job to do so.

This isn’t really an unexpected emergency, it’s you deciding to have a baby. You are also 2 hours away which hardly makes it easy for him to be emergency care.

have you also hinted that you expect him to do more in terms of travel during your recovery or while the baby is small?

If they're having a child together he should be prepared to pick up the slack when he needs to. Especially if she's moved a four hour return trip away to be closer to him.

Did you move with your new oh or move to your new oh?

It’s though choice though isn’t it. Not a proper emergency and let’s face it emotions do impact how we react.

If his children truely needed him it sounds like he would be there but this is someone he loved who moved his children hours away to play families with a friend! Having a baby. He doesn’t owe her that favour of leaving work paid or unpaid because she’s having a new baby.

Its not fine if he declines.

It is fine though. You feel it's not..but he has no obligation.

He wouldn’t be the one in surgery would he? She can’t physically look after her other dc while she’s in the middle of a Caesarian section ffs 🤦🏻‍♀️

If you’d been admitted to hospital in an emergency situation would he be doing this? No. It’s because it’s a new baby with a new man and he’s being awkward. Who else should be looking after HIS kids in this situation?

Oh will continue to do the majority of the travel when it comes to the kids contact which he has been doing since I came down here. He down a four hour round around trip on the way there and then we meet half way on the way back. We would do the exact same thing when baby is born

Because men are not robots and they have feelings too no matter how much we like to hate them generally speaking.

I wouldn’t be making an ex’s life easy after he shacked up with a new women hours away. On his time would be his bloody problem.

I think he's being a nob.

The reality is, if the primary care giver is in hospital for whatever reason, OF COURSE the other parent should step up if needed.

If he was having surgery on his day it would still be for him to organize it. Because it's his day.

The fact that she's having a child that she chose to have in a new relationship with a man she moved in too soon, two hours away from him is not his emergency to solve.

She's got three months to find a babysitter.

I understand the emotions. The pregnancy was not planned. I hoped it woildnt come down to it and baby stays put to my csection
date which he probably will. This really was a last case thing if we really needed someone else to do it and my family couldn’t

How old are the other children who now barely get to see their other parent…

I wouldn’t say your unreasonable, I took our children when ex’s partner was in labour, I also took her oldest child. They’re my children too and even although it was his weekend with them, I wouldn’t like either of them to miss out on the birth of their child. I don’t like my ex husband but his now ex partner has always been amazing. I live just under an hour and a half’s drive away as well.

Your not asking him to take on any of your other children, your asking him to help with his children. He really does need to remember that.

But you still choose to have a baby in a new relationship and to put that on your existing children. The fact that it was an accident doesn't make it better! It's all pretty crap tbh

I don't understand why you can't find a babysitter before then?

They saw their dad the exact same amount they do now then when we lived closer. Which was his choice.

I don’t hate men. I don’t hate my ex who very happily watched OUR child while I went and had my baby and even brought a gift to the hospital for her.

It’s sad when grown adults can’t put their feelings to one side for their own dc. Luckily it seems that op has a good oh who will step in and look after them when their dad won’t, even if it means him missing the birth of his own dc.

Yeah it is and it looks like oh may just miss the birth of what will likely be his only child which is what is just gonna have to happen and is just life.

I accept that this is not the best situation and it’s just gonna be something we will have to play by ear.

i will look into babysitters but have never had my kids watched by someone I don’t know.

Had you just shacked up with one of your old friends and moved him in with your kids too? Very kind of him if so.

It would be nice if he was willing to do this for you but he doesn't have to and tbh your split seems messy so I'm not sure what you expected.

If he was the one that moved 2hrs away with a long term friend turned new partner and had a surprise baby on the way and asked his ex wife to cover for this labour people would be slating him for asking and expect him to find his own back up childcare.

How old are your children? You have three months to figure and find another solution, can you ask their schools for any recommendations of local childminders or babysitters?

not that this matters but the reason my marriage broke down was due to exh actions which I don’t want to go into details about as I have already put some details here that could out me

@Alicejuniper

you are not being unreasonable!!

As a parent, you will be physically unable to look after your child, there is absolutely no reason why you shouldn't ask that child's other parent.

If at all possible the child's other parent should be willing to look after their own child when you are unable to.

Your new partner shouldn't have to miss the birth of his child to look after another man's child because the other man is throwing a strop.

It is somewhat complicated by you moving away, but that's not his main issue is it? He would be saying the same if you were living next door. There's a reason he's an ex!!

I don't want to be depressing or fatalistic, but any surgery comes with potential complications. I'd like to think that most parents would want their children with them if there's any chance that their other parent could be iller than expected or need additional care. It's a worrying time for children when their primary carer is incapacitated and being with a parent should be the default if at all possible.