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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Asking ex husbands to be back up childcare if I go into labour

295 replies

Alicejuniper · 07/04/2025 19:29

I genuinely want to know if I am in the wrong here.

currently ex husband sees kids every other weekends. We do live around 2hours away (this was due to financial reasons and other reasons).he is a very good father. I have been with my now oh for just over a year (known for nearly 2 decades) and are expecting a surprise baby in July. Current plan is that my mum will watch kids when I have my Elcs. She will have to travel down via public transport as she is also a bit of a distance. She has said that if I do go into labour beforehand she doesn’t know if she will be able to do it due to being dsis childcare and also due to public transport if not planned oh would have to meet her half way and she would have to travel back with them. I have asked exh as he has emergency carers leave that if I did go into labor would he be able to watch them while I am in labour/have cs as otherwise oh would have to stay with the kids and I would have to do it on my own. He has basically said that it is not his responsibility to help when it is not his kid and he thinks it is mean I am asking him. He has now calmed down but is still saying that he is unsure and thinks I am in the wrong for even considering him as a option. Wibu

OP posts:
ThisSpoonyUser · 07/04/2025 19:46

How long were you separated before meeting current partner and was it an affair partner/friend of ex H as you've known them so long?

I would be telling a woman in those circumstances to not be the childcare for ex.

UndermyShoeJoe · 07/04/2025 19:47

I mean really your ex should be your last last ask for a pregnancy related issue with a new man. His 2 hours away and you’d be asking him to take unpaid leave as well. This isn’t a can you swap weekends or just a can we change custody so you have more time. It’s not a the house is on fire. It’s a choice me and my new husband made, making an emergency oh which your new husband could watch your children. No house has burned down nobody has starved to death.

Dillydollydingdong · 07/04/2025 19:48

He doesn't want to help look after his own kids? He'd rather another man did it? What a prize prick! What would he do if you weren't here on this earth to do it? 😨

MrsWhites · 07/04/2025 19:48

Tell him that his kids aren’t your partners kids either but your ex is proposing that he misses the birth of his child to ‘look after’ them!

Original poster
Alicejuniper · 07/04/2025 19:49

BigFatLiar · 07/04/2025 19:45

What's wrong with your current partner looking after them?

He would ideally like to be there to see his child being born. Although he has said if no one else will do it he will have them.

OP posts:
Whoarethoseguys · 07/04/2025 19:49

SpainToday · 07/04/2025 19:34

It’s fine for you to ask him, but equally fine if he declines

.I'm not sure it is though as they are his children. If OP is unable to look after them then surely the responsibility is his? It doesn't matter if she is unable to look after them because she is having a baby or because she is in hospital because she has had an accident.
If it is not his responsibility as their parent to look after them whose responsibility is it?

ThisSpoonyUser · 07/04/2025 19:49

ncforschoolhelp · 07/04/2025 19:40

@PeloMom because this is his child and there's no one else to look after them? So yes. He's unreasonable and a prick. OP asked for our views, that's mine!

But her new partner can look after them.

My dh had to stay home to provide child care because we had no other alternatives. It's not unusual. It really depends on the circumstances with her ex and if he should have that good will.

I'd be fucked off if my children were moved two hours away from me to be nearer a new relationship, and my ex got with someone we'd known for ages then decided to have a kid with them after about a second.

UndermyShoeJoe · 07/04/2025 19:51

ThisSpoonyUser · 07/04/2025 19:49

But her new partner can look after them.

My dh had to stay home to provide child care because we had no other alternatives. It's not unusual. It really depends on the circumstances with her ex and if he should have that good will.

I'd be fucked off if my children were moved two hours away from me to be nearer a new relationship, and my ex got with someone we'd known for ages then decided to have a kid with them after about a second.

Show quote history

Especially if it wasn’t them ending the relationship either…. Because the thinking it’s mean to ask from the ex sure as hell leaves a cheating with a friend divorce taste in my mouth.

Original poster
Alicejuniper · 07/04/2025 19:52

UndermyShoeJoe · 07/04/2025 19:47

I mean really your ex should be your last last ask for a pregnancy related issue with a new man. His 2 hours away and you’d be asking him to take unpaid leave as well. This isn’t a can you swap weekends or just a can we change custody so you have more time. It’s not a the house is on fire. It’s a choice me and my new husband made, making an emergency oh which your new husband could watch your children. No house has burned down nobody has starved to death.

It wouldn’t be unpaid. I would never ask if it was unpaid.

his work is very fair when it comes to emergency leave especially when it comes to loooking after dependents

OP posts:
CopperWhite · 07/04/2025 19:54

You moved two hours away and are about to have a baby with a man your children have only known you to be in a relationship with for a year? In your ex’s position, I wouldn’t be rushing to do you a favour. It would be different if you were nearby, but you aren’t, so your request is quite cheeky.

UndermyShoeJoe · 07/04/2025 19:56

Alicejuniper · 07/04/2025 19:52

It wouldn’t be unpaid. I would never ask if it was unpaid.

his work is very fair when it comes to emergency leave especially when it comes to loooking after dependents

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You personally shouldn’t be relying on his works goodwill you kinda lost then when you separated.

Gogogo12345 · 07/04/2025 19:59

PeloMom · 07/04/2025 19:36

Why? Would op be UR if he was having a baby with a new wife and she was expected to use emergency leave to accommodate and said no?

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Of course she would.

Soone · 07/04/2025 20:01

Gogogo12345 · 07/04/2025 19:59

Of course she would.

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What about if he had known the new wife for 20 years and they got pregnant within a year of getting together?

MolkosTeenageAngst · 07/04/2025 20:01

You moved your DC 2 hours away from their Dad to a a place you don’t have a support network but now you expect him to drop everything and take time off work to help you out? Maybe you should have considered how your ex would help with the kids before you moved 2 hours away! Would you expect him to drive the 2 hours to pick them up or would your OH drop them off at his?

toomuchfaff · 07/04/2025 20:02

not his responsibility to help when it is not his kid

You're not asking for a hand hold or a labour buddy, you're asking him to cater for childcare for HIS child whilst you are absolutely incapacitated and having surgery.

Yes he's a prick.

Heronwatcher · 07/04/2025 20:02

Alicejuniper · 07/04/2025 19:52

It wouldn’t be unpaid. I would never ask if it was unpaid.

his work is very fair when it comes to emergency leave especially when it comes to loooking after dependents

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My work is very fair but if little/ no notice is given they wouldn’t be best pleased. Are you even sure carer’s leave will apply? My work are very clear that this doesn’t apply to children unless they are disabled. I think he might have to take annual leave or parental leave and for parental I seem to recall you need to give quite a bit of notice and take it in a block. It will all depend on his work’s policies and may not be as easy as you think for him to drop things at a moment’s notice.

UndermyShoeJoe · 07/04/2025 20:03

Soone · 07/04/2025 20:01

What about if he had known the new wife for 20 years and they got pregnant within a year of getting together?

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Yes reverse it.

I left my wife for her long time friend of 20 years, moved me and the children as I’m the RP 2 hours away. My new wife is now pregnant but will need a CS. My ex isn’t happy I’ve asked her to be emergency childcare and leave work to be there at the section.

Gogogo12345 · 07/04/2025 20:03

Soone · 07/04/2025 20:01

What about if he had known the new wife for 20 years and they got pregnant within a year of getting together?

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Irrelevant. His kids need looking after If she can't do it then it's his responsibility. Simple as that And vice versa of course

Sassybooklover · 07/04/2025 20:04

You're not asking him to hold your hand during labour or to babysit your new baby but rather look after HIS own children if you should go into labour and your Mum isn't available!!! Is he cross that you're asking him to potentially take emergency carers leave from work, if you go into labour to give birth to a baby that's not his???? I rather suspect that it's this, and it's nothing to do with actually looking after his children. If you'd been going into hospital for a routine operation, do you think his attitude would be the same?! I'm not sure it would. It's the fact you are pregnant, and you're having another man's baby that's his issue. You've asked, and I don't think you've been unreasonable in asking, as the children are his and equally his responsibility. However, if he's unwilling, there's not much you can do. I would say to him, if it was his partner going into labour, you'd expect him to want you to look after the children, so he could go to the hospital!! And you'd have no issues doing so either!

UndermyShoeJoe · 07/04/2025 20:04

Gogogo12345 · 07/04/2025 20:03

Irrelevant. His kids need looking after If she can't do it then it's his responsibility. Simple as that And vice versa of course

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Then let him have custody two hours away back where they lived before she uprooted them.

AnneLovesGilbert · 07/04/2025 20:04

Do you mean you moved? If so I think you’re asking an awful lot. If you did move and took his kids two hours away from him, presumably to be with your very new man, you clearly don’t value his role as their dad and aren’t in a position to be asking him favours.

ThisSpoonyUser · 07/04/2025 20:05

Soone · 07/04/2025 20:01

What about if he had known the new wife for 20 years and they got pregnant within a year of getting together?

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Having the baby within a year! Not even just pregnant. I'd feel pretty strongly that if they're ready for a new kid they better be able to take care of the ones they already have on their days. Especially if it meant driving fours hours to accommodate because they'd chosen to move away.

Penguinmouse · 07/04/2025 20:05

BigFatLiar · 07/04/2025 19:45

What's wrong with your current partner looking after them?

Well presumably her current partner wants to be there when his child is born…

Whoarethoseguys · 07/04/2025 20:05

Sofiewoo · 07/04/2025 19:41

To be fair if the ex’s new girlfriend was having a baby OP would be told not to bend over backwards to accommodate him and that he needed to figure out childcare on his own time.

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That isn't the same though.
It's physically impossible for the OP to look after the children when she is having a baby. If she can't look after them the responsibility falls on the father.
In the situation you describe I think the children would be better with the mother if the fathers ex was having a baby but if the mother said no the father would physically be able to care for them.
In OPs situation the mother can't care for them so their father should, they are not the responsibility of the OPs new partner.

Original poster
Alicejuniper · 07/04/2025 20:05

there was no affair.

once everything was settled financially (I continued to live in the family home which was rented for a bit) i could not afford to where I was. It is probably one of the most expensive places in the country. We would have probably ended up having to go into emergency housing so us moving down here made sense. I do understand where people are coming from though with the travel though.

i can see I am being very unreasonable and oh can just be childcare if my mum can’t do it. I genuinely feel bad if I was being insensitive. I just thought as it was his child and j am so fair with him and would come get the kids In a heartbeat if he needed to.

OP posts: