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AIBU?

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Original poster

Asking ex husbands to be back up childcare if I go into labour

295 replies

Alicejuniper · 07/04/2025 19:29

I genuinely want to know if I am in the wrong here.

currently ex husband sees kids every other weekends. We do live around 2hours away (this was due to financial reasons and other reasons).he is a very good father. I have been with my now oh for just over a year (known for nearly 2 decades) and are expecting a surprise baby in July. Current plan is that my mum will watch kids when I have my Elcs. She will have to travel down via public transport as she is also a bit of a distance. She has said that if I do go into labour beforehand she doesn’t know if she will be able to do it due to being dsis childcare and also due to public transport if not planned oh would have to meet her half way and she would have to travel back with them. I have asked exh as he has emergency carers leave that if I did go into labor would he be able to watch them while I am in labour/have cs as otherwise oh would have to stay with the kids and I would have to do it on my own. He has basically said that it is not his responsibility to help when it is not his kid and he thinks it is mean I am asking him. He has now calmed down but is still saying that he is unsure and thinks I am in the wrong for even considering him as a option. Wibu

OP posts:
Original poster
Alicejuniper · 07/04/2025 21:45

CaptainFuture · 07/04/2025 21:42

But you said you've not even been together a year? (Happily corrected!) Before you moved toddler and teen kids 2 hours from their dad and lives for what you wanted?!

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I have explained why j moved. It was honestly one of the hardest decisions I have made. I didn’t want to leave where I lived but I also didn’t want to put my children i. Emergency accommodation when we had a chance to live in a decent place here.

OP posts:
CaptainFuture · 07/04/2025 21:45

AnneLovesGilbert · 07/04/2025 21:42

Even if she’d moved his kids two hours away, one a newborn?

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Surprised no ones said the mn fave.... 'happy mum=happy kids, as long as your happy hun!'

SpainToday · 07/04/2025 21:45

I would be telling a woman in those circumstances to not be the childcare for ex.

Quite,

AthWat · 07/04/2025 21:45

Have you proposed that the kids just go and stay with him from a few days before the due date instead of expecting him to rush up and collect them at an unspecified point? How would he feel about that?

EmeraldShamrock000 · 07/04/2025 21:47

I think you were unreasonable to ask him to be involved in the birth of your new baby.

Hopefully he'll help out if the section is planned on a set date.

Original poster
Alicejuniper · 07/04/2025 21:48

AnneLovesGilbert · 07/04/2025 21:42

Even if she’d moved his kids two hours away, one a newborn?

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He wasn’t a newborn when we moved. We lived in the family house until finances were settled. I could not afford that house long term on my own. I had to give up that place. I could not afford anywhere else around there.

OP posts:
CaptainFuture · 07/04/2025 21:49

AthWat · 07/04/2025 21:45

Have you proposed that the kids just go and stay with him from a few days before the due date instead of expecting him to rush up and collect them at an unspecified point? How would he feel about that?

I'd say this... but it's been upheaval enough for them, being taken away from dad, friends school, to be taken back to where they lived before, then away from this again...

Original poster
Alicejuniper · 07/04/2025 21:50

AthWat · 07/04/2025 21:45

Have you proposed that the kids just go and stay with him from a few days before the due date instead of expecting him to rush up and collect them at an unspecified point? How would he feel about that?

I will have a cs date for 39 weeks this is literally a back up if everything fails he was not first choice and I wouldn’t have dreamed of him being first choice

OP posts:
CaptainFuture · 07/04/2025 21:50

Alicejuniper · 07/04/2025 21:48

He wasn’t a newborn when we moved. We lived in the family house until finances were settled. I could not afford that house long term on my own. I had to give up that place. I could not afford anywhere else around there.

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Did your ex happily move out of the family home?

Toohardtofindaproperusername · 07/04/2025 21:52

i dont think you are being unreasonable at all to ask if he would take care of his kids in an emergency. And i can see it's still early days, and from what you have said, between the lines, he may not be the most reflective of people. So, you will have to work around it, even if that's cxxp. YOu can't expect your mom to get down on public transport in an emergency so you may need to look at all alternatives. And depending on when the elc is, and how much anxiety is around, maybe you could think aobut your mom coming down for longer, or talking to your sister about your sister getting your mom down. But 2 hours is a long journey and if you need emergency child care, that won't work anyway. Who do you have close by.. surely the parents of friends of your kids would be able to have them in an emergency if needed .. it may not be ideal but if they currently have play dates then it is a familiar environment for them. I'd be doing what i could to get some familiarity and time with the potential emergency helpers .. maybe someone doing childcare degree or a colleague at work that you trust .. it is hard but you can't rely either on your ex, or a 70 year old parent 2 hours away (at best) to be an emergency help. I do hope you can sort something enough to reduce anxiety or stress as that probably isn't helping either right now. Good luck OP. i hope it all works out ok for you and your family.

Original poster
Alicejuniper · 07/04/2025 21:52

CaptainFuture · 07/04/2025 21:50

Did your ex happily move out of the family home?

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I stayed in the house when we separated as I had the kids. We even lived together for some time. He also could not afford to live there by himself

OP posts:
Original poster
Alicejuniper · 07/04/2025 21:54

I can definetly see I am being unreasonable I have apologiesd to ex now. He will not be back up childcare we will figure something

OP posts:
firsttimemom99x · 07/04/2025 21:54

If you are in a position where you physically cannot look after your children (ie being in labour!) then of course it’s his responsibility, their his children too!

Kallabra · 07/04/2025 21:56

Fair enough to move to somewhere cheaper, but why move there, where it seems you have no community or support at all?

YANBU to ask but he’s perfectly entitled to say no. Do you and your partner have no friends or family at all except your mum? I’d help out in this scenario for an acquaintance if necessary.

BlondiePortz · 07/04/2025 21:56

Sofiewoo · 07/04/2025 19:41

To be fair if the ex’s new girlfriend was having a baby OP would be told not to bend over backwards to accommodate him and that he needed to figure out childcare on his own time.

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Exactly this, but the double standard is not surprise on here

Coconutter24 · 07/04/2025 21:56

Alicejuniper · 07/04/2025 20:56

Yes but they are also not super close and honestly aren’t super involved with the kids.

i think me looking into paid childcare if need be might be what has to happen but honestly I don’t know how easy that would be to arrrange if it was a sudden emergency situation but we will see. If all else fails oh will have kids. I will go to the hospital myself which I must admit is scary considering I am at a very high risk of bleeding but if it happens it happens I guess.

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Would they not be willing to step in for an emergency situation?
Hopefully your baby stays put till the planned date 🤞

Ellie1015 · 07/04/2025 21:57

I think he should help. However it may be awkward asking for emergency leave when presumably his employers and colleagues know the children live a distance away and he is not involved in day to day care so I can understand his reluctance to have that conversation.

Is there no back up childcare for your sister to maximise chance of mum making it? Or could you time it so dads weekend is the one closest to your planned section so that covers a couple of potential emergency days?

DorothyStorm · 07/04/2025 21:58

ex husband sees kids every other weekends. ...he is a very good father
Standards are on the floor of hell. How on Earth can he be a very good father 2 days in 14, no schools runs, no dentist trips, no doctors visits, no classes or clubs, wont parent if it isnt his official days?

Original poster
Alicejuniper · 07/04/2025 21:58

Kallabra · 07/04/2025 21:56

Fair enough to move to somewhere cheaper, but why move there, where it seems you have no community or support at all?

YANBU to ask but he’s perfectly entitled to say no. Do you and your partner have no friends or family at all except your mum? I’d help out in this scenario for an acquaintance if necessary.

Because where I did have community and support I physically could not afford. I didn’t live in a council house like the vast majority of my family who live there. I was literally stuck trying my hardest to figure out what to do. This really was the best option at the time I made it (when I wasn’t pregnant)

OP posts:
CaptainFuture · 07/04/2025 21:59

BlondiePortz · 07/04/2025 21:56

Exactly this, but the double standard is not surprise on here

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Absolutely, a female op would be applauded and supported in not helping out an ex in circumstances of his own making...

curious79 · 07/04/2025 21:59

If you were asking him to babysit the new baby so you could have a date night I would understand his objection. However you're asking him to look after his kids as you may be medically indisposed (in this case having a baby). But in an emergency, and as someone with parental responsibility.

If he's two hours away it's not exactly easy so you may need someone else anyway

Jk987 · 07/04/2025 22:00

It’s not much to ask. He only sees them once a fortnight, he should be chomping at the bit for a chance to spend more time with his own children!

ButFirstCovfefe · 07/04/2025 22:00

I think you need to be understanding of him in this. (So long as he’s generally a good dad).

I had a child with my current partner and was incredibly sympathetic to my ex (not that he ever wanted another, but because I knew it still comes with sensitive emotions).
His only ask (as a joke) was that baby wasn’t born on his birthday (managed 4 days). He never had any extra asks on him, despite me being in hospital for a month before baby’s birth, but again, having understanding, was really great during that time. That being said kids lived with their step dad (my partner) and stayed with my parents for the majority of that time because that’s how it was.

My youngest (now 3) thinks her brothers dad is the best person in the world, has a special nickname for him, and everyone is just enmeshed in this world they have. That also means brothers feel their dad has that connection. His partner is also the most amazing step mum to my kids, but also treats the youngest really well.

I see so much about blended families not working. I disagree completely (I realise I’m digressing). I think they absolutely can if you have the right ideas/morals….and no one is a dick…

Unbeleevable · 07/04/2025 22:01

Yanbu.

I don’t see why your ex can’t put himself out to help look after his own children whilst you are in hospital!

Why should your new dp look after your ex’s kids in this situation, it doesn’t make sense….

I do think also it is okay to get a babysitter! Is older dc still at primary school? If yes I would ask in the class WhatsApp “does anyone know a reliable babysitter who might be able to help with overnight care just in case I’m taken in for an unplanned c-section?” You might find you get some offers of help or at least a good recommended.

Kallabra · 07/04/2025 22:02

Alicejuniper · 07/04/2025 21:58

Because where I did have community and support I physically could not afford. I didn’t live in a council house like the vast majority of my family who live there. I was literally stuck trying my hardest to figure out what to do. This really was the best option at the time I made it (when I wasn’t pregnant)

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But why there? If it’s your partner’s area surely he has some friends or family who can help rather than him missing the birth of his first child?

Or kids’ friends’ parents from school? Neighbours?