Page 11 | Asking ex husbands to be back up childcare if I go into labour

Alicejuniper · 2025-04-07T18:29:44+00:00

I genuinely want to know if I am in the wrong here. currently ex husband sees kids every other weekends. We do live around 2hours away (this was due to financial reasons and other reasons).he is a very good father. I have been with my now oh for just over a year (known for nearly 2 decades) and are expecting a surprise baby in July. Current plan is that my mum will watch kids when I have my Elcs. She will have to travel down via public transport as she is also a bit of a distance. She has said that if I do go into labour beforehand she doesn’t know if she will be able to do it due to being dsis childcare and also due to public transport if not planned oh would have to meet her half way and she would have to travel back with them. I have asked exh as he has emergency carers leave that if I did go into labor would he be able to watch them while I am in labour/have cs as otherwise oh would have to stay with the kids and I would have to do it on my own. He has basically said that it is not his responsibility to help when it is not his kid and he thinks it is mean I am asking him. He has now calmed down but is still saying that he is unsure and thinks I am in the wrong for even considering him as a option. Wibu

Daffodilsarefading · 09/04/2025 08:01

You have said your partner isn’t close to his family but surely he has someone who would help.
You can’t expect your mum to rely on public transport. Your ex might be at work and need to sort things out before leaving work ( that’s if he is willing to travel and help you and it sounds like he isn’t). Surely the best scenario is either your partner looks after your DCs or he finds someone to help.

CousinBob · 09/04/2025 08:18

Why are people saying the father shouldn’t be asked to look after his own children?

UndermyShoeJoe · 09/04/2025 08:30

CousinBob · 09/04/2025 08:18

Why are people saying the father shouldn’t be asked to look after his own children?

Well his hardly going to be much use a two hour drive away in an actual emergency. You’ve got to call, then they have to say leave work, then start the 2 hour journey. Same with her mum tbh.

If you end up in an emergency C-section it’s going to be done before either arrive.

BinChicken1 · 09/04/2025 08:47

i absolutely hate this attitude that some divorced parents have. “Oh it’s not my daaaaay to have the kids!” Why aren’t you fighting to have them with you as much as you can? Why don’t you want to spend additional time with them??

I think OP is a bit of a CF in this scenario but at the same time I don’t really understand why the dad isn’t desperate to have the kids. Damn right I’d be taking my kids rather than letting some stepparent effort do it instead.

Lots of separated couples need their heads banging together when it comes to this issue. I know a woman who wouldn’t collect her poorly child from school because “it’s his day, not mine” (he was at work and uncontactable). His new girlfriend stepped in and did it instead. Yeah. Great. Well done both parents.

SpainToday · 09/04/2025 09:40

i absolutely hate this attitude that some divorced parents have. “Oh it’s not my daaaaay to have the kids!” Why aren’t you fighting to have them with you as much as you can? Why don’t you want to spend additional time with them??

Its clear from MN that a lot of separated parents actually fight to have the children as little as they can?

MrsSkylerWhite · 09/04/2025 09:42

Did you leave him for the new partner you have known for decades?

If you did, very insensitive to ask.

If not, he is being unreasonable, they’re his children.

GiveDogBone · 09/04/2025 09:46

I’m not saying you that you have explicitly restricted his access, but de facto your actions have had the same effect.

My ex wife did a very similar thing, moved two hours away to be with her new partner, the result of which was that I could no longer see my daughter during the week, as I work an hour in the opposite direction (and I also have a new family where I am). And we do exactly the same or similar things you do, school holidays are a 50:50 split and we regularly swap weekends to accommodate the other’s plans.

I went from seeing my daughter 12 days a month to 4 (which btw greatly upset her). If she’d made the same request you did, I would have told her to jog on, I would have helped if she’d stayed nearer, and part of the reduction in cost of of moving away was the risk she has no free emergency childcare nearby and would have to pay for it if needed.

MissScarletInTheBallroom · 09/04/2025 09:49

It doesn't matter whether you are being unreasonable or not because he has said no.

Do you have any friends you can ask?

Boomer55 · 09/04/2025 09:54

StartAnew · 07/04/2025 21:37

I think you were being insensitive. Your relationship with your child's dad broke up and now you are having another man's baby quite soon after getting together. You moved a long way away from your ex and want him to travel to free up your new man to be with you to share this very special time. Your child will be excited and asking all about the new baby. It's a big ask. There must be some other possibility to cover the gap in childcare on this one day - friends or neighbours, or a paid babysitter if necessary.

Edited

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I agree. I can see why the ex doesn’t feel inclined to fall in with all this. 🤷‍♀️

Original poster

Alicejuniper · 09/04/2025 11:19

We spoke to oh mum yesterday. She is an hour away so not close but she had said in an emergency she will have kids so oh can be there.

OP posts:

Littlemisssavvy · 09/04/2025 11:45

I really just don’t get EX-DH point, it’s HIS children that you are asking for help and HIS children that will be impacted by any emergency arrangements. I have been in this situation in reverse as the step-mum and wouldn’t hesitate to make sure the children were put first.

I wonder if you need to replay this to him along lines of….

I am asking for your help to support your children should an emergency situation a rise and I am incapacitated.
the alternative is that your children may need to be looked after by a stranger should my DM to be able to arrive on time - all of this at as time when they will already feel worried and concerned.
if the ask was the other way around, I would do this in a heartbeat as my children’s welfare are my number 1 concern - not trying to get one over on my ex.

I hope your arrangements go to plan, you have a safe birth and you can store this one away when he’s after any favour. It’s clear why he’s the Ex!

TomatoSandwiches · 09/04/2025 11:53

Alicejuniper · 09/04/2025 11:19

We spoke to oh mum yesterday. She is an hour away so not close but she had said in an emergency she will have kids so oh can be there.

Brilliant news! I hope you can relax a bit now you know you've got a good back up.
I hope it all goes well, good luck.

pikkumyy77 · 09/04/2025 12:13

I am sorry for the oddly cruel and dismissive replies here. An odd mix of be-a-superwoman misogyny, anti second step parent sentiment, and that weird mumsnet hate for women who have second relationships (and new families) while having minor children. I am so glad you have found a good solution with your new mother in law.

MusicMakesItAllBetter · 09/04/2025 14:02

Elunajeya · 07/04/2025 19:36

I agree with this.

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Even though it's his own child he needs to parent?

Original poster

Alicejuniper · 09/04/2025 14:41

pikkumyy77 · 09/04/2025 12:13

I am sorry for the oddly cruel and dismissive replies here. An odd mix of be-a-superwoman misogyny, anti second step parent sentiment, and that weird mumsnet hate for women who have second relationships (and new families) while having minor children. I am so glad you have found a good solution with your new mother in law.

I was expecting some of the comments. I get it’s not the best situation. We are all doing the best we can. I just hope oh will be able to see the birth and have some time with his son when he is first born as this is going to be his only child. The thing that surprised me
more is the flippant comments about him missing that experience.

OP posts:

Dinoswearunderpants · 09/04/2025 14:43

Absolutely not your ex's responsibility. Of course he is their Father and should have them more than EOWE but from the sounds of it, you've moved his children 2 hours away from him and now you expect him to drop everything to help you when you go into labour.

UndermyShoeJoe · 09/04/2025 14:46

His mum being the emergency makes much more sense as she’s closer you’ve shaved a whole hour of the wait should you need it.

Snoken · 09/04/2025 15:38

pikkumyy77 · 09/04/2025 12:13

I am sorry for the oddly cruel and dismissive replies here. An odd mix of be-a-superwoman misogyny, anti second step parent sentiment, and that weird mumsnet hate for women who have second relationships (and new families) while having minor children. I am so glad you have found a good solution with your new mother in law.

It’s not a hatred for women with second families but in less than year OP has broken up with her children’s dad, moved 2 hours away with their kids (one is even a toddler) to live with her new boyfriend and is now pregnant with the new boyfriend. If I was the ex and parent of those children I wouldn’t be particularly supportive either and I don’t blame him for not dropping everything so that his ex wife’s new boyfriend don’t miss the birth. It’s all so very messy and I can see why emotions could get in the way of logic.

pikkumyy77 · 09/04/2025 15:49

Snoken · 09/04/2025 15:38

It’s not a hatred for women with second families but in less than year OP has broken up with her children’s dad, moved 2 hours away with their kids (one is even a toddler) to live with her new boyfriend and is now pregnant with the new boyfriend. If I was the ex and parent of those children I wouldn’t be particularly supportive either and I don’t blame him for not dropping everything so that his ex wife’s new boyfriend don’t miss the birth. It’s all so very messy and I can see why emotions could get in the way of logic.

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Your comment rather proves my point. Posters (and the ex) on behalf of the ex see this as an opportunity for OP to be punished by the consequences of what you all represent as her infidelity to her ex’s fatherly rights to both divorce and unhouse her and also receive her permanent support facilitating his contact with the children.

It’s not even a question of “supportive” or not supportive.” This is a total red herring. He isn’t asked to “support “ her but his own children. Whether she moved away right away, got pregnant now or in ten years after the split, really doesn’t affect the ex’s position as a father towards his children.

The children’s main parent, with whom they live more or less full time, is having a potential life threatening surgery followed by a debilitated recovery. What parent wouldn’t want to be there for their children? If the resident parent father asked the ex wife “can you cover for me while I have major abdominal surgery so the kids don’t freak out” would we all say “fuck no let the OW handle the kids—you made your bed?” I wouldn’t.

Snoken · 09/04/2025 16:09

pikkumyy77 · 09/04/2025 15:49

Your comment rather proves my point. Posters (and the ex) on behalf of the ex see this as an opportunity for OP to be punished by the consequences of what you all represent as her infidelity to her ex’s fatherly rights to both divorce and unhouse her and also receive her permanent support facilitating his contact with the children.

It’s not even a question of “supportive” or not supportive.” This is a total red herring. He isn’t asked to “support “ her but his own children. Whether she moved away right away, got pregnant now or in ten years after the split, really doesn’t affect the ex’s position as a father towards his children.

The children’s main parent, with whom they live more or less full time, is having a potential life threatening surgery followed by a debilitated recovery. What parent wouldn’t want to be there for their children? If the resident parent father asked the ex wife “can you cover for me while I have major abdominal surgery so the kids don’t freak out” would we all say “fuck no let the OW handle the kids—you made your bed?” I wouldn’t.

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It’s more that actions have consequences. She has made it pretty much impossible for her children’s dad to be emergency childcare. This is mainly by moving so far away but also by souring their relationship by jumping straight into the next relationship and starting a new family. Doing that is a statement too. Maybe it is punishing but it’s also a natural consequence.

Original poster

Alicejuniper · 09/04/2025 16:48

Snoken · 09/04/2025 16:09

It’s more that actions have consequences. She has made it pretty much impossible for her children’s dad to be emergency childcare. This is mainly by moving so far away but also by souring their relationship by jumping straight into the next relationship and starting a new family. Doing that is a statement too. Maybe it is punishing but it’s also a natural consequence.

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can I just say that everyone keeps on saying I chose. My oh pointed this out to me.

my Ex and I actually had a decent conversation (we get on well normally. I have said he is a good dad so gbjs one came out of nowhere) where we discussed all the options of custody and what I should do housing wise and he was the one who actually said he would rather the kids have a stable home down here (when I did obviously say it was an option and looked into it) then be in and out of temporary emergency housing for god knows how long. I didn’t just up and leave for another relationship, I made decisions based on kids needs, knowing what the borough I lived in was like with emergency housing and the fact I had another option. If ex wanted 50:50 for example I wouldn’t have considered the move.

people have made so many assumptions that aren’t right.

my ex also did some nasty things but I am not punishing him for the sake of punishing him. Like I said we do tend to get on and coparent well

OP posts:

BigFatLiar · 09/04/2025 19:13

If you were to go into labour what would you do while waiting for him to turn up? Assuming he's not sitting ready to go it's not going to be 2hrs more like 3 possibly longer depending on traffic. Would you be telling the ambulance staff to hang on until he got there?

Hope you get something sorted.

Braygirlnow · 10/04/2025 07:26

UndermyShoeJoe · 07/04/2025 20:17

How old are the other children who now barely get to see their other parent…

People are so judgmental...when me and my ex split we tryed for months to get somewhere nearby for him so he wouldn't be far from dc, but had to settle with a place nearly 1.5 hours away. It's not always a choice. op was asking about childcare and father, it's nothing todo with being morally judged.

EdgyGreyUser · 10/04/2025 08:45

BigFatLiar · 09/04/2025 19:13

If you were to go into labour what would you do while waiting for him to turn up? Assuming he's not sitting ready to go it's not going to be 2hrs more like 3 possibly longer depending on traffic. Would you be telling the ambulance staff to hang on until he got there?

Hope you get something sorted.

I thought you cannot ring up for an ambulance if going into labour. You have to make your own way to the hospital. My husband took me by car to the hospital. This was in 2001. Someone I knew in 2013, was going to have to use public transport to get to the hospital when labour start m, as neither her or her husband drives. They wasn't allowed to ring up for an abundance.

RBowmama · 10/04/2025 12:14

I just want to say that people on here are unreal sometimes. I don't think you were wrong to ask, no different to it you had a dental appt etc. First refusal should always go to each parent. Surely your exh would be concerned for the welfare of his children. If you said I'm looking into paid childcare, not the ideal situation but needs must....surely he'll be concerned for his kids. I'm glad he has calmed down over the matter now and that you have some alternatives childcare arranged. Hope it all goes well but exh should think carefully in case he needs more favours in the future.