Asking ex husbands to be back up childcare if I go into labour

[Alicejuniper]

I genuinely want to know if I am in the wrong here.

currently ex husband sees kids every other weekends. We do live around 2hours away (this was due to financial reasons and other reasons).he is a very good father. I have been with my now oh for just over a year (known for nearly 2 decades) and are expecting a surprise baby in July. Current plan is that my mum will watch kids when I have my Elcs. She will have to travel down via public transport as she is also a bit of a distance. She has said that if I do go into labour beforehand she doesn’t know if she will be able to do it due to being dsis childcare and also due to public transport if not planned oh would have to meet her half way and she would have to travel back with them. I have asked exh as he has emergency carers leave that if I did go into labor would he be able to watch them while I am in labour/have cs as otherwise oh would have to stay with the kids and I would have to do it on my own. He has basically said that it is not his responsibility to help when it is not his kid and he thinks it is mean I am asking him. He has now calmed down but is still saying that he is unsure and thinks I am in the wrong for even considering him as a option. Wibu

If it doesn’t matter, why mention it?

He barely sees his children as it is. You'd think he would be happy to spend more time with them, but he'd rather have another man look after HIS children just so the OP doesn't have his support giving birth and the new partner can't see his child being born. That is the highest level of pettiness.

But his children are his responsibility. Ultimately, if your health means you’re unable to look after them and require emergency health treatment - the question you’ve asked is would he step up as their dad. His answer is no.
Personally I would hear him when he speaks. No point holding out for a yes if he’s going to be unreliable on the day.

I think it's an unreasonable request given the distance and he will likely be working.

Why haven't you lined up alternative local child care as backup in case your mom is watching other kids?

Because everyone is talking about the fact that I have moved on with someone else I have shacked up with someone else. I moved away, Asking if I had an affair etc. that him doing me a favour was a big deal.

Elcs is extremely safe, and while nothing is without risk you may as well say that a parent needs to look after the child everytime the other one does anything with any risk. Skiing, sky diving, riding a motor bike.

Actually my cs is not extremely safe due to being high risk but that isn’t his problem.

i can see I am being unreasonable

@Alicejuniper i don’t think you’re being unreasonable. He is their father. If one parent can’t look after them then the other one should. Also if I were him, I’d personally want the kids with me so I could make sure they felt happy and loved, and weren’t having any insecurities about the new baby.

my job as a parent is to support the emotional well-being of my kids. Not stick blindly to some childcare rota. Also it’s heartless to expect someone to miss the birth of their own child to look after his children.

id find another way. Your OH needs to be there. Start using childminders now so you find one you like.

You're asking him to look after his own children. Not unreasonable. In fact when my ex's partner had pregnancy complications in the night they dropped both our daughter and her daughter (not his child) off at my house because I was the closest, until grandma could make it the next day. It was an emergency and priority is always the children.

I'm sure he's an absolute arsehole, but he's not the one asking for a favour unfortunately.

Because op is getting an unfair flaming here including people accusing her of having had an affair and leaping rapidly into bed with a new man and denying her kids access to their dad and moving so far away to be mean and what about the poor ex husbands feelings.

Op I think you are being reasonable to ask him to look after his kids in this scenario. If you had caused the breakup or had an affair I'd probably be inclined to say that was CF territory to ask, but if he's essentially ended your marriage and left you no choice but to move in order to house yourself and your kids then I don't think he gets to cry victim when you eventually move on with your life and he should (as should you) be prioritising what is best for the kids. And what's best is that they stay with a caregiver who you both know is safe and who they are comfortable with. It does seem like he's throwing his toys out purely because this is to do with your new life without him.

However, he's clearly choosing to be difficult so I'd be looking into other paid options and building up to that by having whoever you employ to be around your kids and make sure everyone is happy well in advance of the birth. If you have 3 months then that's a good amount of time to find someone and do the prep work. Then at least you'll have the local childcare lined up for future.

Are we really suggesting that women are unreasonable for not feeling a-ok to go into major surgery and the birth of their child alone here? I'm really shocked at how many are so quick to minimise ops feelings and the fact her oh could miss the birth of his child. God forbid but if op is unwell during/ after the section her partner should be there to care for the baby.

It doesn’t sound as if ex or mum are a good idea with massive distances and convoluted travel involved. Can you ask a local friend instead?

Does your partner have any family?

I think it’s a shame that coparents can’t help one another out in situations like this. His children are going to have a half sibling - their mum is in hospital having a baby. You’d think he would do this for you and for them. I hope you get something sorted. And I don’t think it’s bad of you to ask. I think it’s a shame he isn’t willing to help, you may not be in a relationship but surely his children are the main concern and when their mother is in hospital having a baby you’d think he’s step in. Also you’d think he’d jump at getting to see them some extra days! . X

Yes but they are also not super close and honestly aren’t super involved with the kids.

i think me looking into paid childcare if need be might be what has to happen but honestly I don’t know how easy that would be to arrrange if it was a sudden emergency situation but we will see. If all else fails oh will have kids. I will go to the hospital myself which I must admit is scary considering I am at a very high risk of bleeding but if it happens it happens I guess.

You could use that logic for any time the OP wanted him to look after them outside of their arrangement though

I agree that he's clearly pissed off at your new relationship (and if there was overlap this will be x100) and is making things difficult out of spite. That's not great of him, but humans are a spiteful race

Honestly reading more of the responses. I think it’s crazy to not have your partner there when having the baby. I couldn’t even imagine this!! and so he can watch your ex husbands kids because it’s not your ex husbands weekend. Craziness. X

i will look into babysitters but have never had my kids watched by someone I don’t know.

I always find this such a bizarre statement. You do realise that all of us who use babysitters (either paid childcare or swapped favours) don't leave our dc with people we don't know ???

Is there a reason that no-one from your partner's side of the family couldn't help you if the situation arises ? I presume, as you have known him for two decades, you will know his family, and you will have joint, long standing friends.

I don't understand why it is a binary choice between your mother or your ex.

Agree three as well.

If he refuses to do this I wouldn't be swapping days to let him go to music events anymore. Utterly ridulous anyone thinking you're being unreasonable to expect a Dad to look after his own children.

I wonder what he'd say if it was 'his' weekend and his partner went into labour, then you refused to watch your own children to allow him to be at the birth because it's 'not your problem'.

Bet the replies on here would be different too and calling you spiteful.

Your new partner sounds lovely, accepting he may have to miss the birth of his own child to look after someone elses x

again I don’t want to go into loads of details but we knew eachother from secondary school and have always kept in touch. Neither of us live in that area anymore.

Shocked (or not) at the number of posts saying ex should look after the kids and is being an arsehole to decline. It is not an emergency, it is not the same as a house fire etc as someone suggested. This is pre-planned and there’s no reason why the ex should cover OP’s time because she decided to have a baby. It’s OP’s responsibility to find care for the kids when it’s on her time. She can ask the father but if he says no then it’s on her to find care elsewhere. She has several months to do this.

So many responses would be different if the roles were reversed!

OP it’s not unreasonable for you to ask, but it’s not unreasonable for him to say no either.

And again here. What drove the need to move 2hrs away if not to be near family? Was he already living there?

It wouldn't be just a few hours/one day off work for him would it? Would you be expecting him to stay over in your and new partners home? To stay while useful then bugger off as soon as you return home?
As per pp how old are dc and what was the basis of your 20 year 'friendship'?

But it's ok for OP to cover the meagre time he has his children so he can go to social events? Doesn't matter the sex. If it was the Dad posting saying ex won't watch their children for him to be at the birth of his child I'd say she was awful. Especially if she barely saw them as it was.