Page 12 | Asking ex husbands to be back up childcare if I go into labour

Alicejuniper · 2025-04-07T18:29:44+00:00

I genuinely want to know if I am in the wrong here. currently ex husband sees kids every other weekends. We do live around 2hours away (this was due to financial reasons and other reasons).he is a very good father. I have been with my now oh for just over a year (known for nearly 2 decades) and are expecting a surprise baby in July. Current plan is that my mum will watch kids when I have my Elcs. She will have to travel down via public transport as she is also a bit of a distance. She has said that if I do go into labour beforehand she doesn’t know if she will be able to do it due to being dsis childcare and also due to public transport if not planned oh would have to meet her half way and she would have to travel back with them. I have asked exh as he has emergency carers leave that if I did go into labor would he be able to watch them while I am in labour/have cs as otherwise oh would have to stay with the kids and I would have to do it on my own. He has basically said that it is not his responsibility to help when it is not his kid and he thinks it is mean I am asking him. He has now calmed down but is still saying that he is unsure and thinks I am in the wrong for even considering him as a option. Wibu

outerspacepotato · 10/04/2025 12:43

You said your pregnancy is high risk.

You really need to have local emergency childcare lined up in case you have to have an emergency section. Hopefully everything will go as planned but you have months still to plan for things going not as planned.

StripyHorse · 10/04/2025 17:21

I am going against the grain here but I don't think OP is being unreasonable.

If Ex-DH's partner was having a baby, would OP have to step up last minute and have them? No, because it sounds like she has them all the time anyway, so this wouldn't be an issue.

If OP had to go to hospital for any other reason then it wouldn't be unreasonable for ex-DH to have to step up, this is no different.

Imagine if this was a StepM complaining that her DH was having to look after his own DCs when their DM was in labour - they would have their arsenal handed to them on a plate on here.

Braygirlnow · 11/04/2025 06:44

Alicejuniper · 07/04/2025 21:35

Yes in a heartbeat

we weren’t separated for a long time I will admit that. It was months.
i have said why I moved
my kids are toddler age to preteen. I don’t want to give exact ages We separate when youngest was a new baby.

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Op, please don't feel like you have to answer such personal questions, you came here with a question about father of your dc looking after your dc, people jumping on their moral high ground and just being plain nosy about your reason for split and move is appalling. Fact is you asked him he has said no, I do think it's more unfair for your oh to miss birth to look after someone else's dc, I would say best to ask around and see if you can find a childminder who can take them until your mum arrives. Best of luck with the birth.

MrsWhites · 11/04/2025 08:49

Most of the responses on here are unbelievable!

Imagine is a dad posted and said ‘my new wife has gone into labour the morning I am due to collect my kids for my contact days, what should I do, ex-wife won’t keep the kids’

I guarantee the replies would call for the mum to step up and take the kids for extra days.

All the OP’s circumstances are irrelevant, mum will be incapacitated therefore Dad needs to step up and make sure his kids are cared for!

Heygal · 12/04/2025 08:30

I don’t think you are being unreasonable in asking him. It’s natural for your children to want to be with their father and you to want that when you go into labour. You of course want your OH present. I’m glad you’ve asked your OH’s mum. It will be okay x

sassyclassyandsmartassy · 13/04/2025 18:08

As a step parent for the past 11 years if we were asked by SS13 mother to step in we always would. We did when her sister sadly passed away, they had the funeral and SS had COVID, it wasn’t even a question.

EdgyGreyUser · 14/04/2025 05:10

sassyclassyandsmartassy · 13/04/2025 18:08

As a step parent for the past 11 years if we were asked by SS13 mother to step in we always would. We did when her sister sadly passed away, they had the funeral and SS had COVID, it wasn’t even a question.

But do you live two hours drive away? The father of the two kids live two hours drive away, and probably can't drop everything when ex partner goes into labour.

Original poster

Alicejuniper · 14/04/2025 09:31

EdgyGreyUser · 14/04/2025 05:10

But do you live two hours drive away? The father of the two kids live two hours drive away, and probably can't drop everything when ex partner goes into labour.

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If I was two hours away and there was an emergency when Ex has kids would you expect me to drop everything and drive up to get them? (I would in a heartbeat)

OP posts:

EdgyGreyUser · 14/04/2025 11:19

Alicejuniper · 14/04/2025 09:31

If I was two hours away and there was an emergency when Ex has kids would you expect me to drop everything and drive up to get them? (I would in a heartbeat)

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Do you work? The father does. Its not for the father of having to take time off work and possibly loses some wages, because his ex partner is having a baby fathered by her new partner.
If the op goes into labour before the school summer holiday and the kids goes to their father, then it would affect the kids school attendance records.

Original poster

Alicejuniper · 14/04/2025 11:40

EdgyGreyUser · 14/04/2025 11:19

Do you work? The father does. Its not for the father of having to take time off work and possibly loses some wages, because his ex partner is having a baby fathered by her new partner.
If the op goes into labour before the school summer holiday and the kids goes to their father, then it would affect the kids school attendance records.

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You didn’t answer my question

if there was an emergency and I was working or busy. Would you expect me to drop everything and get the kids if my ex could no longer watch them

there does seem to be a double standard. My ex would not lose wages. My oh actually would and has done.

OP posts:

EdgyGreyUser · 14/04/2025 12:53

Alicejuniper · 14/04/2025 11:40

You didn’t answer my question

if there was an emergency and I was working or busy. Would you expect me to drop everything and get the kids if my ex could no longer watch them

there does seem to be a double standard. My ex would not lose wages. My oh actually would and has done.

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From what the OP had said, the father would look after the kids, if the baby was his.

Original poster

Alicejuniper · 14/04/2025 13:10

EdgyGreyUser · 14/04/2025 12:53

From what the OP had said, the father would look after the kids, if the baby was his.

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why won’t you answer the question. It’s not about whether the baby is his or not. I am asking if in an emergency you think I should drop everything and go get the kids or not.

OP posts:

Original poster

Alicejuniper · 14/04/2025 13:12

EdgyGreyUser · 14/04/2025 12:53

From what the OP had said, the father would look after the kids, if the baby was his.

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Oh has watched dc while I took my youngest to a&e. Nothing to do with my pregnancy. He lost wages but he did it anyway. There not his kids either

OP posts:

UndermyShoeJoe · 14/04/2025 13:21

If your children had an emergency id expect both parents to drop and run.

If the other parent had an emergency id expect some sort of plan to be in place for the children for the minimum of the two hours it would take to get there if not till I finished work and could then leave.

sassyclassyandsmartassy · 14/04/2025 13:22

EdgyGreyUser · 14/04/2025 05:10

But do you live two hours drive away? The father of the two kids live two hours drive away, and probably can't drop everything when ex partner goes into labour.

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Yes, without hesitation. DH has, on a number of occasions, dropped everything when needed. His son comes first and rightly so. We are a 30/40 minute drive away and most recently (end of last year) there was issues with getting SS to school, so he dropped everything to help his ex take him and get him to school having to take time off work to do so. I would also do the same where necessary, but it’s doubtful I would be needed to be fair as both his parents are so engaged. Equally we have had his brother (not my DH’s) with us on occasion when necessary. The kids never chose these situations.

funinthesun19 · 14/04/2025 13:33

Sofiewoo · 07/04/2025 19:41

To be fair if the ex’s new girlfriend was having a baby OP would be told not to bend over backwards to accommodate him and that he needed to figure out childcare on his own time.

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Exactly this. I’m all for OP’s ex having his kids, but then again this what you’ve just said always niggles me and I think hang on a minute. If it was the other way around people would be telling OP and other ex wives that it’s not their day not their problem. So I dunno.

PeloMom · 14/04/2025 17:10

I just don’t see going into labour before the ELC as an emergency- you have ample time to line up a contingency babysitter/nanny to be available if that was to happen. An emergency where I were to drop everything and go would be something like an accident, heart attack, something else that was unexpected and happens out of nowhere.

Original poster

Alicejuniper · 14/04/2025 17:59

PeloMom · 14/04/2025 17:10

I just don’t see going into labour before the ELC as an emergency- you have ample time to line up a contingency babysitter/nanny to be available if that was to happen. An emergency where I were to drop everything and go would be something like an accident, heart attack, something else that was unexpected and happens out of nowhere.

But how do I know the babysitter will be available. They may be unavailable at the time I got into labour. From what I can see from what I have looked up babysitters want you to give them time and dates for when they need to be available. Same as nanny’s. They aren’t on call 24/7.

luckily we have now got oh mum but an emergency is something that happens spontaneously like Labour does.

OP posts:

ballettap · 15/04/2025 14:29

Glad you've got it sorted and your OH won't miss the birth! Still can;t believe so many of the reposes as if it's not a big deal for him to miss the birth of his own child and that he's responsible for you and your exes children more than ex is! It's hardly a night out.

I wonder what happens if someone doesn't have any childcare in this situation. If it was a single woman with no support or went into labour early and there was no one available. I know that's not the case here, but it's something I've never thought of before. What would happen with the children, does anyone know?

Arlanymor · 15/04/2025 15:59

ballettap · 15/04/2025 14:29

Glad you've got it sorted and your OH won't miss the birth! Still can;t believe so many of the reposes as if it's not a big deal for him to miss the birth of his own child and that he's responsible for you and your exes children more than ex is! It's hardly a night out.

I wonder what happens if someone doesn't have any childcare in this situation. If it was a single woman with no support or went into labour early and there was no one available. I know that's not the case here, but it's something I've never thought of before. What would happen with the children, does anyone know?

Midwives are good at helping people to explore options if they are alone and expect to be alone when the time comes, but if there is nothing in place then social services would organise emergency care - for example, there are fosterers who do only emergency care on a very short term basis.