Asking ex husbands to be back up childcare if I go into labour

[Alicejuniper]

I genuinely want to know if I am in the wrong here.

currently ex husband sees kids every other weekends. We do live around 2hours away (this was due to financial reasons and other reasons).he is a very good father. I have been with my now oh for just over a year (known for nearly 2 decades) and are expecting a surprise baby in July. Current plan is that my mum will watch kids when I have my Elcs. She will have to travel down via public transport as she is also a bit of a distance. She has said that if I do go into labour beforehand she doesn’t know if she will be able to do it due to being dsis childcare and also due to public transport if not planned oh would have to meet her half way and she would have to travel back with them. I have asked exh as he has emergency carers leave that if I did go into labor would he be able to watch them while I am in labour/have cs as otherwise oh would have to stay with the kids and I would have to do it on my own. He has basically said that it is not his responsibility to help when it is not his kid and he thinks it is mean I am asking him. He has now calmed down but is still saying that he is unsure and thinks I am in the wrong for even considering him as a option. Wibu

He won’t help so you’ll need to find childcare. I didn’t see written how old your kids are but a babysitter that could do activities would be great. This could be at home as well so it’s no stress and you can get a time to rest before the elcs. Your sitter could look after your kids when you have checkups and be available at short notice.

There was a post on here a little while ago where the woman was being asked to provide emergency childcare on the father's contact time. I can't remember the exact situation but it was something to do with him being unwell IIRC. The overwhelming consensus was very much "his contact time, his problem". Very few people agreed it was reasonable for the mum to step in and look after her children because it wasn't "her" time.

If that's the general consensus of opinion, then I'd say it applied in these circumstances too.

FWIW, I think being flexible with your co-parent is always a good idea. I'm very lucky as although my parents divorced when I was 8, they remained on brilliant terms right up to my dad's death, despite the fact it was his infidelity that ended the marriage. That can't have been easy for my mum, but I'm grateful for the fact she put us first, rather than her own hurt feelings.

I would normally say it's fine to ask OP but you've alluded to the fact that it was certain behaviours of his that causes the marriage to break down and for you to move so far away. It really depends what these were. Without knowing more, and I completely understand why you don't want to say, it's impossible to judge whether asking him to step in was reasonable or not.

It's also difficult to say whether it was a reasonable request without knowing how he feels about the fact you've moved on with someone else so quickly, and are having their baby. If he's struggling with this, then perhaps asking wasn't the best idea.

Either way, him having to take emergency leave is quite a steep ask and not really the same as just switching weekends to accommodate a party etc.

I think so much depends on the circumstances of your split, and your ongoing co-parenting relationship. MN normally says if an emergency crops up in your contact time then it's up to you to sort childcare..... If I was co-parenting I'd prefer the children to come to me, but not everyone agrees with that approach.

Maybe you could use the time between now and July to facilitate a relationship between your new partner's family and your DC? Your DP wouldn't have to be at the hospital for that long really, it's not like potentially waiting several days through labour.

Fingers crossed your baby stays put until you're ready, and you avoid any of these difficulties!

I agree with this.

Your Mum has said she will come as soon as she can, so you need to ask a friend who is local to you if they would help you cover the interim if the need arises.
Asking someone who is 2 hours away themselves, and also at work, is not a practical answer regardless of who they are.
If you go into unexpected labour and it is slow or a long labour, your Mum will get there. If things happen quickly, your ex won't be there in time anyway. Your "just in case" cover has to be someone nearby.

i do want to say that I do see why people may think I moved on quickly etc and that I have kind of caused this. I think for me I genuinely thought as I have happily have changed things for ex (I was also invited to wedding but decided as he seemed to really want to go I agreed to have the kids that weekend and he skip contact) then if absolutely worst case scenario he could help me if I genuinely had no other choise

I really don't think you're being unreasonable. You've made childcare arrangements and this is only the back up if that doesn't work.

Surely he has an obligation to look after his children if their mother can't? They are not her partners responsibility.

Other then paid child care I don’t see anything else.

i do think it is gonna have to be oh. Although I know people around here ut is just mums from school or groups we go to I don’t know if I feel comfortable asking them to watch them.

If op lived closer I’d be more on her side but she moved two hours away and wants her ex to leave work at her whim for her emergency not a child emergency and she does have her new husband.

But u would do the exact same thing if he had the kids and suddenly could not watch them. I wouldn’t even think twice. I would just do it.

OP for what it's worth I don't think you're being one bit unreasonable. He has the children a minimal amount of time. They are his and you are asking him to help you out (wby looking after his own children) in an emergency. I'm surprised others wouldn't ask an ex in this situation. It would be different if you were inflexible with him/had the DCs less. I'm sure you would have liked to stay near your family. Wishing you all the luck with the new baby.

Exactly - this isn't about past recriminations and he is the backstop. For his own children.

Whatever whenever?
@Alicejuniper how old are your children?
How long were you separated before you started up with your now dp?
Why chose where you now live?

I really would have. It was a hard decision
moving down here but It was one of those things where It was the best choice out of a bunch of bad ones.

I think the same. Where would he even stay? Since it's a c-section OP will be in hospital a while and he can't keep going back and forth dropping and picking the kids up at school. When you create such a physical distance from your near ones you need a more robust back-up plan for when it's your contact time.

Yes in a heartbeat

we weren’t separated for a long time I will admit that. It was months.
i have said why I moved
my kids are toddler age to preteen. I don’t want to give exact ages We separate when youngest was a new baby.

I think for me I genuinely thought as I have happily have changed things for ex

Agreeing to swap a weekend or a day, when asked some time in advance, when you commonly look after them on a Saturday, they are already at your house, and you don't have other commitments is completely different from expecting someone to drive up in the middle of the night, or for them to just suddenly leave work at a random unknown time or day.

I think you were being insensitive. Your relationship with your child's dad broke up and now you are having another man's baby quite soon after getting together. You moved a long way away from your ex and want him to travel to free up your new man to be with you to share this very special time. Your child will be excited and asking all about the new baby. It's a big ask. There must be some other possibility to cover the gap in childcare on this one day - friends or neighbours, or a paid babysitter if necessary.

I also want to say I wasn’t pregnant when I moved down here and didn’t plan to be. So this is something we have had to sort out unexpectedly and like I have said chances are it will be oh who has to do it

Me and my DH would offer this in a heartbeat to his ex, your ex is a prick

Just like if you were having any other surgery, he has parental responsibility for his children therefore should be watching them. It’s not unfair to ask at all but unfortunately you can’t force him.

My XH without having to be asked offered to have ds1 for a few days during and after my elective c section with ds2. However I needed an emergency one which happened very quickly so he wasn’t able to have ds1 on the actual day as he live 3 hours away at the time. It would be best to have a second option available close by incase your mum was unable to babysit

Not by me, she wouldn't be.

If someone can't look after their own child for whatever reason, then there's no reason why the other parent shouldn't be asked!!

If the other parent can do it and it's a situation like this (rather than just a night out or a weekend away). I would take a dim view of any other parent that would say no when they are able to do it.

If my ex called me at 2am when had kids to say he had to go hospital and I had to go get kids I would even though he would have his mum or other family to help him I would do it without even thinking.

But you said you've not even been together a year? (Happily corrected!) Before you moved toddler and teen kids 2 hours from their dad and lives for what you wanted?!

Even if she’d moved his kids two hours away, one a newborn?

Presumably because he'd want to be with OP while she's giving birth to his child? Why is it not the ex's responsibility to look after his own children?