Why is ND a common excuse for poor behaviour now?

[PonderingCarefully]

To be clear, this isn't a bashing thread as I'm generally interested in views and reasonings. Posting here for traffic really.

I get ND is a huge thing now and way more people are being vocal about it being accepted in society. This i am in favour of but.... so often now, especially on MN/SM, you see people excusing or questioning if poor behaviour is a result of undiagnosed ND. For example, a partner withdrawing/saying hurtful things would usually be seen as abuse now it's are they on the spectrum? A friend who's taking advantage is no longer seen as a entitled CF but is said to need more patience incase they are ND.

Why is this? Is it now a society norm that you actually need to feel quilted into accepting this behaviour just incase there's something undiagnosed at play? Are we now going to start seeing abusers and bully's in a new light of "maybe it's not their fault" now?

They have other very high needs.

But that may well be part of how he viewed the world and himself, so was it too much to expect that he was able to access the support (and there isnt much anyway to be fair, you cant fix it)

I don't see it used as an excuse for bad behaviour in ND adults. I do see it being used as a way to try and understand behaviour. Understanding the reason someone behaves differently isn't excusing bad behaviour but it can help prevent it occurring again.
I also think behaving differently isn't always 'bad' behaviour. If an ND person is too anxious to speak at a certain time or needs to leave suddenly when they become overwhelmed is that bad behaviour? For me, forcing someone to stay in situation where they are uncomfortable would be worse than a person leaving because they are uncomfortable.
With children, the understanding is really important as the parents need to understand the child's needs and help them navigate them. That's not to say an ND child can go around hurting others and not be disciplined, but, if an ND child can't focus on their homework, they are screaming for no apparent reason or they don't seem to be listening, the adults need to recognise they are ND, what is leading to the behaviour and how it can be managed. They need to give the children the tools to manage this, like we give all children the tools they need to navigate the world and become independent adults.

I never said they didnt .

@Jud3 this is clearly a very emotive subject for you and I am sorry for what ever has happened to lead you to feel like that. However people should be free to start discussions.

The figures literally don’t back that up.Its 1% and diagnosis waits are years. It’s massively undiagnosed.

Not offensive abelist discussions.

It isn’t tolerated for other protected disabilities.

There you go then.

YANBU. I have diagnosed ADHD and have struggled my whole life to manage my condition in a way that minimises the impact on others. ADHD makes some things difficult for me but it doesn’t make me an insensitive arsehole. I might not always manage a situation well but I still have empathy and the ability to reflect and apologise when appropriate.

People can be neurodivergent AND dickheads at the same time but it doesn’t mean the neurodivergence justifies or explains the abusive behaviour.

I am autistic, but this thread doesn’t offend me.

There ARE a lot of people who use their ND as an excuse for poor behaviour. I think that it might be embarrassment with some parents perhaps? Or fear of being judged?

In my case, my family were very much of the ‘you need to work out how you are going to fit into this world because it’s not going to adapt for you’ (90s). I wasn’t given allowances and I was expected to work that bit harder to fit in, because it was made quite clear to me that to be successful in life and cope with what it threw at me, I was going to have to figure out a way to make it work.
Tough love perhaps, and obviously very different times, where autism was not as well understood or diagnosed. But it was the best thing that could have happened to me, in reality.

I just dont believe that all the incredibly lazy men are all ND. Some of them must just be lazy or callous.

Perhaps it is seen not so much as an 'excuse' but a 'reason' for the unpleasant behaviour.

I don't think people are necessarily saying that the person on the receiving end has to put up with it because the offender may be nd, but simply that nd could be part or all of the cause of it.

There’s no such thing as mild autism. Many verbal autistic children can’t access education, many can’t socialise and many need teams of support, hospitalisation and intense monitoring to keep them alive.

While I love shows like Love on The Spectrum, all of them seem to be better behaved than a lot of Autistic or ADHD adults (who were perfectly able to do normal things like apologise BEFORE diagnosis within lat 5yrs).

I'm more annoyed as an ND person (Dyspraxia, diagnosed aged 9 in 2000 which was a rarity for girls, due to mine being on the severe end and requiring lots of physio and OT as a child) that ND is offered as an excuse for poor behaviour. ND does not make you a shitty person. The fact that so many people see someone who's acting poorly and offer it up has actually caused this attitude that bad manners, selfishness, unkind behaviour, lack of empathy etc are all traits of a person who's ND.

ADHD is a clinically diagnosable condition.

However attacked you feel because of what I ask, I ask it to further understand your position. I seek clarification rather than belittlement. I want to understand people. I ask rather than judge

I feel that people just want to tell me im shit. I feel attacked from every corner right now. It feels like my adhd is being used to tell me I'm worthless. I'm wrong. I'm too much.

I do not deserve my pip. I should try harder. I should deal with it myself. I should just die. I should work more but noone wants to work with me.

I was clinically diagnosed as part of an NHS trial 18 months ago. Like in a lab. This is who I am. Full stop. End of story. My therapy has been all about understanding neutotypical people and how I should learn to react to make them feel safe. I had brain scans and blood tests and stomach tests. I was diagnosed on these. Not in a chat with a GP for 5 minutes.

Frankly I'm just about done. At least I now know why noone ever liked me. I don't fit into your weird pattern of safe societal norms.

I'm sorry I make people uncomfortable. Perhaps try thinking about how it feels to be uncomfortable every single second of every single day. Im quite amenable. If anyones ever bothered to reach out I've responded.
Some ADHD people can't.

It’s like a cultural mismatch of communication styles.
Germans can appear abrupt and rude to English people. it’s a more direct communication style. I’ve been told that it’s bad manners in china to communicate bad news directly. The polite way is to go through a third party.

Some autistic behaviours can appear rude or inconsiderate to allistic people. There is no intention of rudeness, but the behaviour can feel rude/neglectful to someone who isn’t aware of the possibility of ND.

Asking whether ND is a possibility just clarifies the intent of the behaviour. While it may feel dismissive to the poster, it may not be intended that way.

As for the frequency of diagnoses, I do think something is going on with us as a society. We are all out of kilter. We’re finding ourselves overstimulated, struggling to concentrate, overwhelmed in ever greater numbers. I am
one if the many many women diagnosed with Fibromyalgia. It’s very real, and very unpleasant, and diagnoses are going through the roof.

Yes this is correct, however you'll be shouted down on any thread where that is put forward, that people are people first, or children are children first and ND second and that poor behaviour can come from anyone, children do test boundaries and are unruly at times, its normal, it doesnt mean every single thing they do has to be seen through an ND lens.

Maybe asking if someone is "on the spectrum" is now code for "did you mean to be so rude?"

The word that comes to mind to me is resilience. Your parents laid out the facts, and gave you the responsibility to respond, in a way they clearly knew you could. Resilience is something parents of both NT and ND children struggle to develop.

It’s the constant balancing and juggling of being understanding and empathetic with your child but also being able to take the hardline for their own future benefit.

Having said that, some autistic children won’t have the ability to adapt like that.

DH is autistic. This is something that infuriates him. He's a secondary school teacher and he genuinely thinks that there's going to be a reckoning in a few years time when these ND kids enter the real world with absolutely no coping mechanisms or social skills and utterly fail at life - and it will be our fault, adults in their lives refusing to help them adapt to a world that WILL NOT adapt to them, no matter how hard some may try to convince it.

There are children as old as 15, 16 allowed to get up and walk out of class unannounced because they're bored, allowed to roam the corridors with strict instructions given to teachers to not confront them, make eye contact or ask them to return to class. Teachers have been professionally reprimanded for even questioning why they're leaving, and if the child has physically lashed out at the whisper of accountability, they've been the ones apologising. There kids are high-functioning autistic or have non-complex ADHD, even if there were spaces in specialist schools they would not qualify for them.

Reasonable adjustments are not what is happening, it is neglect.

The moment someone suggests perhaps teaching these children some coping strategies they're accused of forcing them to mask, denying who they are and discriminating against them. School is a bubble, the real world doesn't work like that. They won't be able to keep a job to feed themselves, they won't be able to maintain relationships because they've been taught nothing about the world. They'll leave school at 18 and feel utterly betrayed when they realise nobody is going to make allowances in their day jobs or relationships.

My daughter is autistic and I understand the impulsion to cushion her world and make it OK but I'd be doing her no favours. I really do worry about the ND kids growing up right now.

Maybe I'm overexposed due to the stories DH brings home, I don't know. He really thinks there's a crisis looming though.

As part of the NHS testing I had 3 months of tutoring with an Olympic coach to teach resilience.

It does not mean what people think it does.

It's to prevent me harming myself, it's not to make me a more 'normal' person.

I do understand your post was meant nicely, sorry, I just jumped on it as it's that resilience word that I find triggering!

I'm not attacking you though, just explain my shit way, I think you're more likely to understand!

That stance and fitting in has nearly killed my daughter several times. Define resilience. It’s not a competition. My daughter has resilience in spades. When you survive autism, ADHD, dyspraxia, EDS, Anorexia, treatment not correctly adjusted for ND, multiple suicide attempts and hospitalisations, being pinned down by men you don’t know in order to be force fed, turning up to every appointment, bullying, therapy etc and still get up and try to build a future and fit into a NT world you are resilient.

And I agree with this too.

We need to understand each other. We need to appreciate each other.

That was to @SunnySideDeepDown too.