Why is ND a common excuse for poor behaviour now?

[PonderingCarefully]

To be clear, this isn't a bashing thread as I'm generally interested in views and reasonings. Posting here for traffic really.

I get ND is a huge thing now and way more people are being vocal about it being accepted in society. This i am in favour of but.... so often now, especially on MN/SM, you see people excusing or questioning if poor behaviour is a result of undiagnosed ND. For example, a partner withdrawing/saying hurtful things would usually be seen as abuse now it's are they on the spectrum? A friend who's taking advantage is no longer seen as a entitled CF but is said to need more patience incase they are ND.

Why is this? Is it now a society norm that you actually need to feel quilted into accepting this behaviour just incase there's something undiagnosed at play? Are we now going to start seeing abusers and bully's in a new light of "maybe it's not their fault" now?

But okay, let's make it, as usual, an OP bashing thread instead for daring to ask the question! 🙄

Oh, poor you.

But seriously how are people ever supposed to gain an understanding to ND if your not even allowed to ask questions without being seen as attacking/bashing disabilities?

The faux-naivete is the worst bit.

i have 2 young adult sons with autism. Myself and my husband are probably both somewhere on the spectrum. If an autistic person’s behaviour causes you distress then they’re not the friend/partner for you. Abuse is abuse whether it’s due to malice or autism

just cut your autistic friend or partner free so they can find someone to love and accept them for who they are and not despite who they are 🙄

My dd can be both the loveliest person I've ever met and, when dysregulated, a complete arsehole (sorry, but it's the only way to describe it), so a whole lot of nd people are both of these things. My dd would be the first to agree with this assessment. She does, however, feel shame, embarrassment and other big emotions (including love) much more keenly, which sometimes impacts on her outward behaviour. ND people have personalities, as well as their neurodivergence. Some will internalise their feelings, others will be feistier, louder about it. That's why they say that if you've met one autistic person, you've met one autistic person. There are common traits, but their personality will determine how they react to external stimuli. My dd is more 'fight', my niece is more 'flight'.

I wouldn't use it as an excuse. I know a lot of people who are ND and they are all rather Well behaved. I found the opposite true on MN. As soon as someone is posting about a husband who is abusive/unkind/uncaring/lazy you get tons of posters asking if he is by any change ND.

And if he's over 60 and has misplaced his keys too then the OP has the answer "he could have dementia".

And where exactly did I say this?

Absolutely there are people who excuse poor behaviour of themselves or their children due to being ND (or assuming they are without an actual diagnosis because they have a similarity or 2).
But in general, no, being ND is not an excuse...it's a reason. I'm ND myself, diagnosed ASD and on the waiting list for ADHD, and if I'm rude at any point, it's definitely not a conscious decision I'm making to be unkind to someone, it's usually because I'm overwhelmed and overstimulated and react directly from those feelings. I may have misunderstandings due to thinking differently but I'm not causing an issue or argument on purpose. And of the ND people I know, it's the same...they're not rude a-holes using ND as an excuse to be a dick, it's genuine differences in thoughts and feelings and the way things are processed.

It's almost like the government want to attack autistic people through education and benefit cuts and then hey presto loads of anti autism threads pop up.

Some people suggest ND because they recognize the difficulties and situations being described in a thread and hope that it will help the person posting the situation to understand it from the ND person's perspective. Unfortunately, a lot of NT people are extremely rigid and inflexible and think everyone has to think and behave like them. They can't accept or understand differences and therefore like to call people different to them XYZ name instead of taking a long, hard look at their own ignorance and intolerance. The hateful people like to call reasons "excuses" because it enables them to continue being narrow-minded, unempathetic, selfish people. HTH

You didn't. I quoted someone else who said. Oh forget it!

I remember needing a pair of lace-up school shoes. In those days, size 6 was considered to be large for a girl...and I had to get boys' shoes.

Got to school the next day. Saw a girl wearing the same new shoes. "Oh," said I, "those are boys' shoes!"

That did not go down well.

This!

Because there are way too many kids these days with all kinds of behavioral issues and life presentations and just telling them what to do with a bit more authoritative intonation as the habit was in times past does not work anymore. So society tries to find answers.

Parents of ND children are unfairly treated. They are expected to somehow anticipate their child's every need before that needs even becomes apparent with a level of precognition that is not expected of parents of NT children. They are simultaneously exhalted as selfless angels ("I don't know how you do it!") and castigated as examples of poor parenting ("ND is being used as an excuse for bad behaviour").

In reality, all of the parents of ND children that I personally know (myself included) are hyper-vigilant of their child's behaviour because we know that we are held to far greater scrutiny because of that ND and far harsher judgement for any "bad" behaviour - behaviour that would generally be written off as tiredness/frustration, peer pressure, "big feelings", kids being kids, etc if it was a NT child doing it.

most of the time it will be things like, can you believe the teenager didn’t come make polite chit chat when I was visiting my friend and just went upstairs and did her own thing? Can you believe this person didn’t want to share a bedroom when we go on holiday? Can you imagine she said she was overwhelmed and needed to calm down before we could continue our conversation so she wouldn’t say something unfair and cause a fight?

it’s really not examples of nd people displaying bad behavior. It is examples of NT trying to impose their interpretation of the world on everyone. The only person who looks bad in these scenarios is the NT person who is complaining.

actual abuse or real bad behavior should still be called out. If you are just trying to cling to arbitrary rules that you find comfortable, but are distressing for other people, that is your problem, not theirs.

My 14 year old DS is naughty to the people who can’t accept ND as a reason why he keeps refusing to go to school.
To them he is lazy, bone idle, disrespectful of rules (eg have to go to school) and naughty because he refuses to go.
To me he is struggling and suffering. He’s not naughty and he’s not lazy. And the people who refuse to acknowledge his ND as the root cause for his refusal to go to school are the problem, not DS.

someone just told me on another thread ND does not equal autistic and that you can be ND without being autistic. Who is in the wrong also how everyone now is an expert.

Don't delete the thread. The ND and autistic people are most vocal about being accepted and discussed, dare anyone discuss, it has to be on their terms only. Ridiculous. I have an ND child without a diagnosis. I can learn things from threads

It does have a huge impact on public services - if you asked any GP practice, they would tell you that appointments and prescribing for ADHD and autism has increased 20-fold. It’s having a big impact on workload.

Im not suggesting ND isn’t increasing, it clearly is, but the rate at which it’s increasing (diagnoses and self-identifying) and the means to get a diagnosis needs looking into. People do tend to now view undesirable behaviour as a sign of ND, which may be true, but it’s a shift in cultural view. I believe it is a social phenomenon - it’s a cultural shift that will be interesting to look back on in decades to come.

There’s of course a massive variance in how people are impacted, some are profoundly, undeniably impacted by their ND, whilst at other times it genuinely is so subtle and (in my view) arguably just a behaviour that isn’t seen as ideal (eg a 7yr old who can’t/won’t sit still - this often improves when they’re older).

I personally think they need to reintroduce new diagnosis terms to be specific about the condition. Autism that renders a person non- verbal m is very different from another who functions very well. I don’t think it’s helpful that they label such a wide range of abilities in one term.

It is an inescapable fact that certain conditions are massively over diagnosed. The latest data suggests that 25% of the population claim to have some kind of disability. That is patently ridiculous.

It serves no positive purpose. Those who are genuine are to some degree lost in the midst of the masses who are not.

It has always been the way. Those of a certain age will recall the back pain epidemic of a few decades ago. It was the go to condition for shirkers. It made treatment for genuine sufferers harder to find. Almost overnight the numbers fell by nearly 90% once people could cite other mental health conditions to get sick notes to excuse them from work.

We should be more thorough with diagnosis and then offer necessary support to those in genuine need.

I've noticed a pattern of females over empathising and males lacking/not being able to appropriately empathise.
Again fits with the male traits being prioritised.
I do wonder how much of it is down to lack of social norms too? Do NT females also over empathise and learn to hide it? And do NT males generally lack empathy but learn to fake it?

I actually find the opposite in my family. The ND child is ok to hit their parents, ignore family members, call people names (calling people fat), sit on a phone for hours on end during get togethers, leave get togethers within 10 mins because they’re bored, they hate it, proceed to interrupt parents with moans continually until parents give in. This is all accepted.

But if a NT child did any of the above, they’re told off and told they’ll be XYZ consequences unless it stops.

Im sorry but if anything, it’s the ND children who seem to be able to do whatever they want in any situation and everyone accepts it.

Maybe because there are a lot of ND people and very little understanding by people who are not ND. I think there are many more people who don't understand the impact of trauma or ND on people's behaviour.