To think men should automatically pay on a first date if they asked you out?

[ThisSnappyNewt]

Had a date recently - he asked me out, picked the place, and at the end said “Shall we split it?” I did but it left a bad taste. I just think if you’re the one initiating the date and doing the inviting, you should offer to pay - man or woman but especially if you’re the guy. It sets a tone. AIBU to think it’s just good manners and a red flag if they don’t?

If you think men should always pay on the first date - guess what? Most people here disagree with you. How's that for a cultural standard?

That’s fine in principle: my husband used to take me to restaurants that I could never have afforded.

That’s why the restaurant should be mutually agreed. I’ve been to restaurants on dates where l have been the larger earner.

I would have refused to go

Doesn't very romantic to refuse to go though.
Men get accused of not making enough effort and making too much.

Generally I like to go 50/50 on a date, or if it's a regular partner we take it in turns. One guy asked me to a fancy restaurant, and I said no as I was a bit skint, but he then said he was offering to pay for the whole thing. We went, it didn't feel right to me, and also I felt like he might expect something for the fact he paid for a nice dinner and cocktails. My DP says he was very happy that from the off I offered to pay half, as he usually finds he's expected to pay, which to me seems very old-fashioned

Good for you.

I didn’t. We’re very happy 36 years later.

I am not “taken” to a restaurant. I’m not an object. I go with someone to a restaurant.

I was. Couldn’t drive then.

I had a friend who told me she went on multiple dates just to get a free meal. I was quite shocked at the time as she didn't seem like the type. Still have more respect for her for just owning it than the posters trying to say men should pay because going on a date is risking their life 😆

One of the biggest reasons it’s a massive turn off for me is I’d be ashamed going 50/50 for a date if I was a man. I’m sure most men want to appear to treat a women but their stinginess takes over.

I once went on a first date for a cheap pizza he insisted on paying and said “you pay next time”. Next time he chose a very expensive restaurant cocktails, every side going. There’s no way that went over his head that it probably cost four times his pizza. These people aren’t careful with money, they want to be seen as the dominant alpha but they don’t want to invest in their date. It’s that simple. Don’t expect Mr 50/50 to behave like a gentleman in other ways either, it won’t happen!

For example if men were always expected to pay, they’d have to think carefully before they ask out women as they know they require investment. If women refused to move in with men or have children with them before marriage being on the cards, they would have to put their cards on the table far sooner.

I don’t want to get married as I’ve had an inheritance and wealthier than most men I date. I wouldn’t move someone in and one of the reasons is I couldn’t string someone along for years and not get married, men don’t think the same or care. They’ll just take, take , take if you allow them. If you’re in doubt pay for everything and watch and see if they step up to some “fairness” without any prompt, it’s hilarious and worth every penny, you see them for who they are. Definitely not all men but the 50/50 gives you a very good indication it’s not 50/50, they’d take 100% if only they could, they’re not interested in treating you that’s the harsh truth.

Mature, well brought up insist on paying they’re a different species. Do you want to date someone who forgets your birthday? Doesn’t buy you flowers? Also stingy men aren’t very good in bed, not very giving let’s say.

I’ve raised a teen son alone, he walks on the outside of me (pavement side), gets doors, offers to buy my coffee (even though it’s me who put the money in his account). I don’t care as it’s the action of caring for another, that’s what it’s about, it’s the bare minimum expectation in a man which many men much older than my son don’t have.

@snughugs Mature, well brought up insist on paying they’re a different species. Do you want to date someone who forgets your birthday? Doesn’t buy you flowers? Also stingy men aren’t very good in bed, not very giving let’s say.

This is utterly ridiculous.

The historical culture of men paying is from women having no access to money and the point of a marriage was completely transactional.
Some people are happy to split the first date simply because it isn’t a transaction, I don’t believe I owe him for his time, nor does he owe me for my time.

Romance to me is jointly deciding to do something together not being 'taken' somewhere so when we met one of us mentioned someone and the other decided if we would do it or not, either of us paid there was not performances or trying to impress and yes to me personally taken someone to a very expensive resturant is not impressive

We were and are equals and act like it and the only thing I asked of my now husband was for him to be himself like I am to him

That's all well and good but how is a man supposed to know before the first date which of the numerous different approaches he is going to be confronted with?

Men are not personal ATM machines.

it’s certainly convenient to prefer the dynamic of someone else paying for you and never doing the asking.

Right well if we’re taking that route. Well brought up men couldn’t get access to women’s bodies in the past without marrying them. This is what you’re choosing to not acknowledge men tend to only value what they invest in. Men in the past were force to invest to take a woman out and marriage was your way to have sex. Yes lots of men had sex out of marriage just like lots of women can have 5 kids by 5 Fathers, but it wasn’t the norm. This is how society has changed.

From where I’m standing women seem to think it’s progress men not looking after us even on a romantic date. They should arrive early too so there’s no chance of you waiting about for them. This was always the norm whilst growing up and I was dating now they’d leave you in a pub whilst they doddle along late. That’s not investment and taking things seriously either.

Out of curiosity what standards and boundaries do you expect from men?

@lazycats exactly, and I wonder how well it worked out for the men. They certainly aren't still doing the paying now by the looks of things! Not with OP anyway.

But how often do women ask men out?

Well a first date is probably a joint thing so one of us made a suggestion and the other probably said yes or no and qe took ot from there, I don't remember my husband doing a expected first date organising we had a normal discussion and picked what we wanted to do

Why would the man have to make the first date setting? Or whatever to call it

So let’s get this right. Man take the lead asks out, chooses the restaurant you sit through a meal of listening to how great they are and you pay 50/50 when the bill comes. You’ve had no control of the situation and he’s taken the lead but expects you to pay up?

Men still like to take the lead ask out, choose and chase. None of that has changed. Men in society are suddenly not more respectful to women on dates because we pay our share.

Apologies if you d said OP but how did you meet and how did he ask you out on a date? I think if it’s OLD then it’s very different to being approached in person. On OLD the approach is mutual and if you click the intention is to date surely, it’s just one of you asked first. So I don’t think that constitutes him asking you.

Pay your way OP!

It sounds like neither of you clicked with the other tbf

Incidentally do the women thinking 50/50 is the correct thing. Will they be asking their partners to marry them? Or do men get to control everything and we just go halves?

I would expect the guy to offer to pay (and I would expect the lady to say "no, no, let's split it").

If you can't afford a meal for 2, then don't invite someone for a meal, just go for a coffee or a walk instead of a meal out.