To think men should automatically pay on a first date if they asked you out?

[ThisSnappyNewt]

Had a date recently - he asked me out, picked the place, and at the end said “Shall we split it?” I did but it left a bad taste. I just think if you’re the one initiating the date and doing the inviting, you should offer to pay - man or woman but especially if you’re the guy. It sets a tone. AIBU to think it’s just good manners and a red flag if they don’t?

He may have initiated the outing however you both felt an off vibe. Why should he be out of pocket for your meal?

In this modern world of dating, you should be ready to pay your half. If a man paying for you is your thing, then there are men out there that will go along with that. So find them and date those guys, make it clear from the start that this is your expectation.

What do you mean that's not sane thinking! That's the reality. Why do you think Clare's Law exists?

If someone feels that going on a date needs to be referred to as doing something where they are risking their life, then I really don't think they should be dating. Your not in the right headspace to be dating a man if your just going to be thinking of the statistics of rape and murder in relationships.

I brought it up to make a point that men don't care about splitting the bill because of you're independence, equality or feminism. All of which have come up repeatedly on this thread

Who said they did? Its about how the women feel about it.

Lol the women are worried about what the men will think......

No it's about what a woman thinks is fair and decent in modern dating. If she is happy to pay her share or not. How she wants to feel about the situation.

We'll have to agree to disagree on this. Women are worried about looking like a freeloader hence all this talk of independence and feminism on this thread.

It's a lose-lose. Some women don't like men who pick up the bill. Some women want men who don't.

I'd have probably asked when we sat down or said "Are you Okay to get this and I'll pay next time, or do you want to go Dutch or what?"

He clearly got the vibe wrong and thought you'd want to split it.

If you INVITE someone to something, you provide. Party invite, you host the party. Dinner invite, you cook or pay for dinner. Bloody rude to put you in that position.

No- that's how they view women who always expect to not have to pay .

First dates should be a coffee or a drink, otherwise it can soon become unaffordable for either "dater". I am an extremely independent woman who likes to split the bill. However If someone, man or woman, invites someone to a proper restaurant, that person cannot assume the other person can afford it.

How the paying is going to work needs to be discussed in advance. If a man invited me to a lunch or dinner at a restaurant for a first date, I would clarify if he is intending to pay, and if not I would suggest going for coffee or a drink instead. I can't be bothered paying a lot of money to have lunch or dinner with someone I barely know, not only because it's expensive, but because a lunch or dinner is a long date, and I don't want to risk having to spend a long time with a person I may not be compatible or even like.

Agree with this

No that's not what I was saying.

However it is clearly easier to avoid a situation where the man feels entitled to a kiss, sex, second date or whatever if you don't give him a reason to feel like you owe him. i.e. pay your way. That's why I personally would split the bill so that there is zero entitlement/taking advantage on both sides.

I'm not worried about looking like a freeloader to anyone else.

I'm worried about BEING a freeloader because I personally don't want to be one.

If you believe your life is at risk, don't go on.the date.
The mental gymnastics some women will perform in order to get free food is just staggering.

So u only want equality etc if he paying for everything do you not see the double standards there

I understand where you are coming from, OP. Personally, if a man asked me out, I’d want him to at least offer to pay for the first date. I would always offer to split the bill though, and would be more insistent if there wasn’t going to be a second date. For me, it’s nothing to do with wanting a free meal, but generosity in a relationship is important to me, and I loathe stinginess. I already know I’m a generous person, so it’s just one way of seeing if the other person potentially is too. I think it’s a far more important value for a woman to suss out in a relationship, going by the daily posts on MN from women struggling with reduced income on maternity leave, while their partners insist on continuing to split everything down to the cent. You can then also suss out entitlement - does this person expect me to put out because they paid for my meal.
That’s not to say a man who pays for a first date can’t have a million other red flags, but if they offer to pay, there is at least a chance that stinginess isn’t one of them!

“Easier to avoid” how? Surely it’s a case of: “would you like another date?” “No thank you”.
No man is entitled to expect sex from a woman , and if he doesn’t understand that, that’s nobody’s responsibility or problem other than his own.

A number of men can still make the situation very uncomfortable, or scary, for the woman, and it is completely understandable many women would want to avoid this unpleasant event. Not that hard to understand.

Christ

If any women hates men they much, surely she would want to date one anyway.

I loathe stinginess

Says the women how doesn't want to pay!

What if he loathes stinginess?

Stop it, this is the most utterly stupid and desperate argument he ever heard.

It would be the old line ''woman's money is her money, his money is their money''

which makes me thing little women cant think for themselves and need men more than men need women going by this thread

l am my own woman. I would expect to mutually choose the restaurant, so as to know the budget and split 50/50. I would refuse to allow a man to pay on a first date. If things evolved then maybe a treat would be nice.

There is a danger of some unscrupulous women using this as a regular meal ticket as well. I’m not saying many would but the risk is there.

Curiosity question. What do you think should happen in a same sex date? What are lesbian and bi women supposed to do?