Paying for own birthday meal

[butterfly172]

So it’s my fiancé’s birthday tomorrow. His 3 adult children don’t pay anything towards birthday dinner, instead he pays for it…I’m paying for it tomorrow as I refuse to let him pay for his own birthday meal, he does it every year. It gives me the hump that he pays for everyone to eat on his birthday (his youngest child is 22), am I being silly or is my thought process valid?

we always pay for everyone if they come along to our celebrations. If we were having a party at home we would not expect money, we just love that they want to come with us.

My mum still pays for me and when my dad was alive he did as well and I am in my 40’s. I will always pay for my children.

I’ve “thanked” a lot of comments also.

Yes, I’m understanding that being part of an already established family means their dynamic is none of my business. I’m also understanding that I can step back rather than be too involved.

At the same time though, some things you can't step back from. Such as how your joint finances will work when you're married. Not the little things such as who pays for a takeaway, but how a home will be run/purchased and who will benefit from it and when.

He said it in January when we made the decision to move in 2 years time. He won’t be mortgage free by that time.

He paid his ex wife out in the divorce so nothing left to go to her. I’m paying him a monthly sum (my choice) to contribute to the bills and running of the house. His ex wife is still alive and the children chose to stay with their dad.

Surely at some point they will want to move out? My fiancé has said they have 2 years and then when we move they need to find their own place (his decision not mine).

What started about who pays for a takeaway could end up being a really important reach out for you.
You get married in one month.
For people getting married for the first time and with no children, it’s generally clear what happens if one of them dies, even without a will. They still need to reach agreements around how they will operate as a couple, financially, though.
For you, you are marrying some with grown up children and family assets already.
You are also planning on disposing of at least one of those assets (the house) and investing jointly in another.
If, God forbid, anything happens to your DH through that process (or even beyond), he has people (his children) who would normally be beneficiaries of his estate. You need to both agree how all that would work.
You also need to agree what would happen to your jointly shared asset (would it need to be sold to give money to his children? Where would you live etc?)
And aside from all that you need to agree who is putting what, financially, into your new home , and if there’s a split ownership who owns what share.
You also need to decide how you will pay bills and home upkeep - 50/50? 60/40? Proportionate to income?

I promise you, if you don’t get this stuff agreed before you make the leap to marriage and house sale, you are inviting a world of pain upon yourselves.

Stop sweating the small stuff. Who cares who pays for a takeaway?! You need to establish how you fit into this family and ensure you are not left high and dry or at the mercy of his children.

Thank you; this is very useful and gives me food for thought, and a portion of anxiety 😂 I’ll have the conversation with him.

Even when (if) they move out, they will still come first. Them being adults doesn't change that, he'll still want to ensure they're ok, provided for and helped where he can.

It's not going to be a case of they move out and now you are his priority. Even if you were their mother and married before the kids were born, once there is children, priorities change.

I love DH more than I can put into words. I'd shove him in front of a bus to protect DD.

I think it’s completely normal to pay for your adult children for a meal out. As long as I am physically capable I will pay for my children and their partners/ kids if they come out for a meal with me. It’s very much the done thing in my family. It’s a way for me to help them with money/ pass money down or whatever you call it. If my partner chose to pay for a meal for us all then that would be up to him or I wouldn’t mind also paying for him for the birthday meal and he could take me out for a meal and pay for it another time.
I have explicitly explained to my 18 year old son that I don’t need him to pay for drinks/ food etc if we go out for meals. That’s an ongoing thing. He doesn’t have a partner but if he did in the future and she came on my birthday meal I wouldn’t expect her to pay for herself. It’s just not a thing for us. Im not massively well off but a huge priority for me is to help and financially set up my children who are currently 16 and 18. It’s not like having a friend that never pays for themselves. For me and some others it’s a conscious choice and it sounds like your partner is the same. I am quite happy to pay for my own birthday meal. Other people do it differently, which is up to them.

lol at the poster before me that said she would shove her husband in front of a bus to protect her child if necessary. I completely agree. My children will always be my priority even as adults. My eldest doesn’t live at home as he is in the raf, I have lots of other important people in my life but him and his brother will always be my priority.

I understand that the children will always come first, despite us being in our own home. When you choose to be with someone who has 3 kids you know where you stand. Although not always easy as he is my priority and I’m not his.

I’m 46 and my brother is 48. Both married with 2 kids each and in professional, well paid jobs, as are our partners. My parents ALWAYS pay. There’s no point us arguing with them any more about it, as they love doing it. We definitely don’t expect it and both of our in laws don’t do it so we’re well used to paying our own way with them but that’s the dynamic in our family. My Dad would be upset if we didn’t let him. This includes on my parents’ birthdays, special anniversaries etc.

It was an extreme example, admittedly, to get the point across 😂. In real life I'd want a different option but if it were him or her, it's always her. And that's what he'd want too.

Not unresonable at all. They should all pitch in their share. They're adults and it is an occasion to spoil their dad. They should want to or at least offer. How long will they be freeloading for?

That’s a very inflammatory comment! Do you have a difficult relationship with your children or parents?

@BoldAmberDuck its not inflammatory at all. I have a great relationship with kids and parents (only one still alive). Perhaps it's a cultural thing but these people are adults now. Should have some pride and enjoy treating their dad occasionally. Doesn't have to be every time but a birthday meal should be split between them and other adults at the table. Sure he has done plenty for them over the years.

You are trying to make something that is the tradition in your family, the adult children paying for their parents birthday meal, a tradition in his family and there is just no need for it.

Your family do birthday dinners one way and you think it’s the right way and that it’s not the right thing for your fiancé to have to pay for dinner on his birthday. But he doesn’t think that. You are in danger of causing upset on his birthday. The only way to do it is quietly without any fuss whatsoever but I think that the other four people might think you are trying to make a point which ,ay not go down well.

Same! I’m 54 & a high earner

This is a good point. Everyone else is happy with the status quo, you paying makes a point and could sour the atmosphere.
Why don’t you let the family takeaway go as planned and treat your DH separately to a meal out or special favourite dinner at home for just the two of you.

My ex always pays when our adult kids and his other adult kids (previous marriage) go out to eat. It’s a thing in that particular dynamic. If I join them I don’t ever offer to help pay. In any other situation I would not sit back and not offer, but with my ex he foots the bill if any family member (and their partners) eat out with him. It’s just a thing, though of course not a thing for every family, and he can afford it. Op’s partner doesn’t appear to have made any noises regarding him paying, either to his children or OP so maybe he is one of those people who likes treating, even on his birthday, and has a history of refusing offers to pay. Some people get offended if others try and stop them paying as they take it as a rejection of their hospitality.

I don’t think you’re strange for finding the situation “different” to your own expectations or experiences, but I do think you need to stay out of it, certainly unless your fiancé indicates that he’s not happy with the arrangement.

When I go out with my adult kids, we alternate, but never pay on our own birthdays/ celebrations. If I go out with my parents, more often than not they pay, but never on their birthday.

But that’s me, and MY family, and this is him and his. This is how their family dynamic works, and has worked since before you came on the scene, so you need to let it go.

I think it’s normal. My husband and I went out for my dad’s birthday with my 3 siblings and their partners recently and he paid for all of us. Probably cost close to £1000 which I do appreciate is alot of money but I do think it’s common. If I even got for a coffee with them they will offer to pay for me and I’m 40 years old haha. It’s a parent thing, it never stops.