Paying for own birthday meal

[butterfly172]

So it’s my fiancé’s birthday tomorrow. His 3 adult children don’t pay anything towards birthday dinner, instead he pays for it…I’m paying for it tomorrow as I refuse to let him pay for his own birthday meal, he does it every year. It gives me the hump that he pays for everyone to eat on his birthday (his youngest child is 22), am I being silly or is my thought process valid?

That’s the plan 😁

Kindly @butterfly172 I think one of the issues is you are very black and white about this. It's all about nuances, you know.

As the children are all in the twenties and knocking on the door of 30, they won't always come first in every situation.

Like before, you said you understand that being part of an already established family means their dynamic is none of my business. That's not quite true. It's more about how you approach things.

When you moved in, it felt like a couple of robust convos were missed regarding HOW this was going to work. And that's perpetuated with the lack of understanding and input in finances.

Have you been focussed on wedding rather than marriage?

a lovely post! I think I’ve been focused on the wedding. I’m actually scared to be involved with a ready made family when I don’t have children of my own. Like what happens to me??

That's completely understandable.

It was always going to be really hard, joining a household with essentially four adults, all with traditions and routines and set in their ways.

Was there ever an option for your soon to be DH to join you, rather than you join him? I'm trying to understand how comfy and set in his ways your fiftysomething man is. And how much is about his way or no way.

It feels like you are doing a lot of the heavy lifting in the relationship?

Ok, so he has set a two year timeline for the kids to be on their own two feet. That's possibly a reasonable timeline for a 22 year old who may well be coming out of education into the world of work. But I'd expect a 29 year old to kind of doing their own thing by now?

There are def questions you need to ask. To protect yourself and your interests.

Hope fiancee having a good birthday btw

Don't forget a wedding is only one day ( usually ) the marriage is supposed to be forever...

I think that if he is financially better off than his children and asked them to come out to dinner with him for his birthday, then it is very normal for him to pay for them.

It was quite a long time before my parents would let us pay towards family meals out together. Became almost a (very polite) battle between my husband and my father.

Oh and my MIL (who will be 90 this year) takes all her children, step children, grandchildren, their partners to a Michelin starred restaurant for her birthday every year. She has enough money, she likes to spend it this way, I don't think she'd be happy at all if we tried to pay (some family members could easily afford it, some couldn't).

Erm Me and my siblings are late 30s x4 plus all the grandkids,other Half's etc and our Dad or Mum still insist on paying for all. We have tried to pay or sneaked to bar to pay and it didn't go down well. Parents enjoy having everyone together so we make it up other times taking them for lunch or sending theatre tickets to them etc

if he makes them pay they are less likely to come next year, the gift is getting his kids together, it's priceless.

Have you asked them to pay? If their all on good money like you say and you all live together I’d be asking if they are happy for all 4 of you to chip in as a birthday treat because he does a lot for you all.
I also do think it’s normal for parents to still want to pay, we take our FIL out and he always wants to pay, if we invite him and want to pay we have to say we’re off to the toilet and one of us will sneak and pay

I'm obviously in the minority as I find that a bit weird that he's paying on his birthday. I wouldn't dream of letting my parents pay on theirs. The rest of us chip in to cover the cost of their meal. Always been like that even when I was younger and not earning much, I would always chip in even just a bit.

We usually treat our grown up children and their children for meal out but it would be lovely if they offered occasionally to pay as their income is prob double of ours . I think many adult children just take it for granted that a parent pays so I don’t think you are being unreasonable

My dad just died - he was 91. He always paid for our meals, always. That included our partners, our children and more recently their partners. It was a lovely gesture.

My parents never ever let me pay. I have to beg them
to accept my money. Im nearly 50

Glad I'm not the only one!

I think this is totally dependant on the family. My dad would never dream of letting us pay (we're 32, 29 and 23), but my wifes family would all be expected to pay their own way 🤷🏻‍♀️ I don't think either scenario is right or wrong. Just how some family's work

My ex’s father did this. It was terrible. It was a meet the parents dinner and you could tell that the step-MIL was anxious about them paying the bill. She was constantly referring to prices etc. It was a cheap Persian restaurant. Just awkward. The bill came and my ex’s Dad just handed it to him and said “Thanks [son’s name]. My ex was devastated. He had only just finished university and didn’t have much money. We thought we would split the bill. However, it was a sign of things to come. That couple even charged my ex’s sister money to stay with them when she visited. They complained if they thought that not enough money was spent on them for birthdays or Christmas and the MIL would package up her jewellery with home made price tags and try and sell it to me. At one point she even tried to talk me into paying her £2k a month so she could get a loan. Of course, she would pay me back… Disgraceful people.

This is my life theory …. There are probably 3 stages of paying!

I do think it’s normal to pay when your children are early in their careers or perhaps struggling more. My parents definitely did. I think they worried about us resenting or not wanting to join them for special occasions if we were worried about the cost.

Then there is the point in life when you squabble about who is paying.

But then there is a point in life where roles are reversed. We pay for things for our parents now quite a bit because they are retired and on fixed incomes. Meals out, treats etc. we are all going on holiday together this year and we’ve paid for the airport lounge and other add ons.

I've read all your posts @butterfly172 and think you need to get stuff ironed out before you walk down that aisle.
I understand some of your situation as I also have steps in the mix.
As soon as you marry, his will becomes null and void, as I understand it. If he keels over without making a new one, everything goes to you, or a big chunk, depending on where you live.
Why wait for 2 years to buy a house when you can port the mortgage? It feels as though he's either going to not make the kids move out when you move, or he's not completely sure of things. I don't understand making the kids move out in favour of you - that could come back to bite you.
Lots of things to get sorted out and agreed before you take that next step. I hope things work out for you.

Holy sh*t, this thread escalated quickly.

I was looking for the YANBU button when I read the OP.
after reading these posts it's turned into marriage counselling!!!!

But back to the original point If it even matters now, my view is 100% the adult children should pay for themselves and split the cost of their dad between them. Absolutely no way should he be paying for his own birthday meal/takeaway/whatever it is!!
This also goes for parents/friends/extended family in general - the birthday person doesn't pay, everyone else splits their costs between them!! This is normal unless other arrangements have been made prior.
I am actually shocked at the amount of people that think this is strange, which has quite honestly made me rethink my whole adult life up till now.

He’s not making the kids move out on account of me. He wants to have “his time” and he believes they should be making their own way at what will be 32 and 29 years old when we move out. Maybe he’s stalling on account of not wanting the kids to move out. But in fairness he asked them to move out by the time they were 30 and that was before I was even on the scene.

Not all mortgages have a porting feature, so it may be that to get a decent rate he fixed for a couple of years but couldn't port it and has massive ERCs til the fix ends.

A lot of lenders did that as an option over the last couple of years to give lower rates to customers and a more likely guarantee of payments to them across a difficult time.

With regards wills, depending on when he last updated you can make a will with the intent to marry so it doesn't become void on marriage.

Or maybe it’s how she’s been made to feel she should be by posters on here?

@LalaPaloosa2024 I hope he went NC? Poor lad.

He’s definitely on a fixed rate for 5 years, which ends in 2 years.