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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Paying for own birthday meal

426 replies

butterfly172 · 07/04/2025 10:21

So it’s my fiancé’s birthday tomorrow. His 3 adult children don’t pay anything towards birthday dinner, instead he pays for it…I’m paying for it tomorrow as I refuse to let him pay for his own birthday meal, he does it every year. It gives me the hump that he pays for everyone to eat on his birthday (his youngest child is 22), am I being silly or is my thought process valid?

OP posts:
Trishyb10 · 08/04/2025 20:35

29 and 22 and they dont offer to contribute is greedy and bad manners, not every parent has the money to pay for everyone

IpsyUpsyDaisyDoos · 08/04/2025 20:36

butterfly172 · 08/04/2025 20:34

He’s definitely on a fixed rate for 5 years, which ends in 2 years.

Show quote history

Possible then that it's not able to be ported and has charges for repaying early, given that means it started when rates were shooting up and lenders were offering reduced features for lower rates.

Cherrytree86 · 08/04/2025 20:43

ACynicalDad · 08/04/2025 16:52

if he makes them pay they are less likely to come next year, the gift is getting his kids together, it's priceless.

@ACynicalDad

im sure you’re selling these people short to suggest they wouldn’t bother seeing their dad on his birthday unless they were getting a free meal out of it!

Justkeepingplatesspinning · 08/04/2025 20:43

Ah that makes sense @butterfly172
Ours never came back after university!
I hope you get things sorted and settled.

FridayFeelingmidweek · 08/04/2025 20:49

butterfly172 · 07/04/2025 10:34

No, I don’t. And I’m guessing that makes me a bad person??

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I don't think many parents (especially dads) would ever feel comfort letting their kids pay, even on their birthday. You'reclearly not a bad person at all, it's just a dynamic you won't understanding (which is not a judgement at all, it's really nice you want to pay for him too), but parents like to pay for their children. It's not mean of the children either, or ungrateful/taking, as they probably know how awkward it would be trying to pay for their dad.

It sounds like you're a kind person, but good idea just to accept this dynamic and treat him another time. It's an argument/issue brewing that you won't win, and neither side (him or his children) will see your pov

irregularegular · 08/04/2025 20:58

1DinosaurAnd3Giraffes · 08/04/2025 19:48

Holy sh*t, this thread escalated quickly.

I was looking for the YANBU button when I read the OP.
after reading these posts it's turned into marriage counselling!!!!

But back to the original point If it even matters now, my view is 100% the adult children should pay for themselves and split the cost of their dad between them. Absolutely no way should he be paying for his own birthday meal/takeaway/whatever it is!!
This also goes for parents/friends/extended family in general - the birthday person doesn't pay, everyone else splits their costs between them!! This is normal unless other arrangements have been made prior.
I am actually shocked at the amount of people that think this is strange, which has quite honestly made me rethink my whole adult life up till now.

That's not how it would work for us. If I/we went out with a group of friends, we would all split the bill between us, regardless of whether it was someone's birthday meal or not. Occasionally, I might tell a friend that I would like to take them somewhere for their birthday in lieu of a gift, and then obvoiusly I would pay, but not in the standard situation of a group going out together to celebrate.

And if I invite people round to our house because it's my birthday or my partner's birthday, and then obviously the whole cost is on us (give or take a bottle of wine).

Cherrytree86 · 08/04/2025 21:15

butterfly172 · 08/04/2025 20:16

He’s not making the kids move out on account of me. He wants to have “his time” and he believes they should be making their own way at what will be 32 and 29 years old when we move out. Maybe he’s stalling on account of not wanting the kids to move out. But in fairness he asked them to move out by the time they were 30 and that was before I was even on the scene.

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@Justkeepingplatesspinning

theyve got to move out some time!

Grammarninja · 08/04/2025 21:15

You're being ridiculous. You don't invite people out for your birthday unless you are going to pay for it. It's basic manners.

NewsdeskJC · 08/04/2025 21:18

We have 3 adult kids.
When we go out we pay for everyone.

HorsesAreRunningOn3LegsTonight · 08/04/2025 21:20

I’m totally with you OP, if they have good jobs as you say, then I think they should “ treat” their dad once every year. Especially if he’s kind and generous to them the rest of the year.
It’s the least I can do to show their gratitude..

islanddreamer1 · 08/04/2025 21:24

God you’re having a hard time on here. I totally agree with you. Would be lovely for them to treat their dad on his birthday. My adult children always pay for dinner at birthday times. Actually, I don’t know anyone that pays for their own birthday dinner …surely this is a time to be treated. Hopefully you enjoy the celebration regardless.

Mummy3Plus1 · 08/04/2025 21:32

butterfly172 · 07/04/2025 10:21

So it’s my fiancé’s birthday tomorrow. His 3 adult children don’t pay anything towards birthday dinner, instead he pays for it…I’m paying for it tomorrow as I refuse to let him pay for his own birthday meal, he does it every year. It gives me the hump that he pays for everyone to eat on his birthday (his youngest child is 22), am I being silly or is my thought process valid?

I'm a Mum of 4, I completely agree with you. I take my Mum out for a meal for her birthday most years and ALWAYS pay for the meal. They are not children, they are adults, the least they could do is pay for themselves and split their Dads between them.

GiveDogBone · 08/04/2025 21:46

No set rules, some people like to pay for their birthday meal, sometimes the guests will pay and they won’t, sometimes you will split between everyone. I’ve done all 3 at various times.

Sugarplumlollipop · 08/04/2025 21:54

I think he just values spending time with his children on his birthday over them having to pay if he can afford to.
I have to admit I've gone out to my mum or dad's birthday meal and it's either one of them that pays over their children.

lilkitten · 08/04/2025 22:59

It depends on his relationship with them. My dad still likes to pay for us when we go out (usually he says we should split the tip between us), and he enjoys getting us all together. My parents and in-laws tend to pay for all the kids/grandkids as they can afford to

SaladSandwichesForTea · 08/04/2025 23:04

BetterWithPockets · 08/04/2025 20:21

Or maybe it’s how she’s been made to feel she should be by posters on here?

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Quiet, tiny and huffy then.

Have you read all of OPs posts? She moved into the family home and declared that his children live with us so they should chip in to show appreciation because that how they do things in her family. She also called herself stepmum to full adults, whoare only 13 years younger than her, instead of calling herself Dad's fiance.

Hardly integrating is she? Birthday boy has done it this way before and has planned to do so again, hardly the actions of a man unhappy with the dynamic.

GabriellaFaith · 08/04/2025 23:30

If he INVITES them for dinner to celebrate his birthday, I would expect him to pay (although I would equally expect them to bring a gift). Similar to a party invite!

Buffs · 09/04/2025 00:08

You are being silly.

Antralucinda · 09/04/2025 00:11

YANBU! Crikey at 29 expecting a parent to pay for your lunch at their birthday celebration is ridiculous and in my opinion thoughtless. Their parents birthday’s are once a year - that’s two meals they need to save towards, and assuming the parent isn’t choosing somewhere stupidly expensive then they should expect their adult children to have saved up to pay for their own meal to show they care about spending time with that parent on their birthday. Unless one of the children are in sudden extreme financial difficulty saving £30 (average) isn’t a big ask.

would they find the money for their mum’s birthday?

Pippyls67 · 09/04/2025 00:44

None of your business really. Besides- you getting the ‘hump’ because he’s doing something he wants to do with his money on his birthday speaks volumes about your role in his family!

Obeseandashamed · 09/04/2025 00:50

YANBU… however I no longer pay for my parents meal anymore. My stepdad pays for all of us, when it’s my mums bday and my mum pays for all of us for mt stepdads birthday. We are a blended family. The first few times I tried to pay for my stepdads bday meal, he was very offended as he sees it as his duty to provide for us children even though the youngest is 26!

Antralucinda · 09/04/2025 01:11

Butterfly - all the posts saying it’s not your place and you should essentially mind your own business are very unfair. You’re a person in an adult relationship and you’re entitled to your views, and entitled to discuss how you feel with your FH. But you should just think wisely which battles to fight though. This is not the one IMO, but I get this is symptomatic perhaps of a more general feeling about them living there and not stepping up. To be clear, they are adults as are you and their feelings don’t out weigh yours. yes you moved in the home but soon they will leave and they’ll live their lives, that doesn’t mean you should be on mute until that happens!

The fact you don’t have children does not mean you cannot see other people’s views!
I do get very fed up of reading all the step parenting attacks.

RareFatball · 09/04/2025 06:42

A lot of the time when I'm eating out with my 3 adult sons I pay for lunch/dinner.
Last year was my 60th birthday, we went for lunch and they clubbed together to pay for it along with a surprise birthday cake.
My youngest son was only 20 at the time and full-time student but he paid his share with his brothers. They wouldn't have dreamt of me paying for lunch on my own birthday even though I chose the place. They also clubbed together to get me a lovely birthday gift.
I wouldn't have minded paying for the lunch but they insisted as it was my birthday.

Mumof2heroes · 09/04/2025 08:34

Wow, you're really getting a grilling on here OP! For what it's worth, I think it would be appropriate and a nice thing to do for your DH's kids to pay for his birthday meal. They're all earning and how much is a takeaway?! I think kids living at home as adults can stay in the 'child' role and just not think about things that their parents would historically sort out. I don't think it would be a bad thing to gently suggest they sorted out their father's birthday meal. They may not realise what a lovely gesture this would be and how much it would mean to your DH.

Original poster
butterfly172 · 09/04/2025 09:13

Pippyls67 · 09/04/2025 00:44

None of your business really. Besides- you getting the ‘hump’ because he’s doing something he wants to do with his money on his birthday speaks volumes about your role in his family!

Edited

And what do you believe that role to be?

OP posts: