Page 13 | Paying for own birthday meal

butterfly172 · 2025-04-07T09:21:54+00:00

So it’s my fiancé’s birthday tomorrow. His 3 adult children don’t pay anything towards birthday dinner, instead he pays for it…I’m paying for it tomorrow as I refuse to let him pay for his own birthday meal, he does it every year. It gives me the hump that he pays for everyone to eat on his birthday (his youngest child is 22), am I being silly or is my thought process valid?

Squigglesandgiggles · 07/04/2025 14:04

butterfly172 · 07/04/2025 10:48

I guess it’s hard for me to understand, I’m not a mum. I don’t get the feelings he has as I’m not a parent. I’ll step back.

I understand your sentiment completely in wanting the ‘kids’ to treat him for once. But if he is anything like my dad he will hate the thought of them spending money on him, and it would make him feel bad. Life is tough enough when we are young and I think him payinf for the meal/takeaway really won’t be a big deal to him at all. i don’t think your hearts in the wrong place with this at all. It’s just a funny dynamic if you don’t understand it xx

Anxioustealady · 07/04/2025 14:07

MounjaroOnMyMind · 07/04/2025 13:21

I think some people have been very harsh.

Could you say to the kids, "I've been thinking, why don't we all split the restaurant bill, to give your dad a treat?"

Regarding your future finances, I'd make sure that I overpaid my pension and kept my own savings, too. It's natural that he will want to leave something to his children, but you have to think of yourself, too.

It's a takeaway, not a restaurant bill. Why doesn't she ask what her fiancé thinks before butting in?

BunnyLake · 07/04/2025 14:10

CandidGreenSquid · 07/04/2025 13:42

I’ll go against the grain here and say that it would be nice for the children to offer to pay if they can afford it. I’m in my 20s with my own siblings also in their 20s, plus DH and his siblings are all in their 20s. We always pay for ourselves and offer to cover the birthday person’s share. That said, I wouldn’t invite my own family out if I couldn’t afford it and I wasn’t expecting to pay for everyone, which we do regularly. Our parents couldn’t afford to cover a meal out for all of us, plus partners and our DC. I don’t necessarily think there is right or wrong here because I have loads of friends who wouldn’t ever put their hand in their pocket for a meal or takeaway etc.

I agree there is no right or wrong, just different dynamics within different families. I can take my two adult kids out for lunch but it would be stretching my finances to pay if they brought their gf’s along, so that would have to be a discussion beforehand.

andfinallyhereweare · 07/04/2025 14:12

I’m 36 and my dad will still pay for me id offer and he’d insist…

BunnyLake · 07/04/2025 14:13

I honestly think, unless you are expected to pay for everyone yourself, then you let them all carry on as they were. Trying to change things up if it doesn’t directly affect you will go down like a lead balloon.

MsMarple · 07/04/2025 14:17

All depends on your family dynamics and finances. I’m very much grown up now but my Dad usually pays if we go out and he gets annoyed if we try to sneak in first - he says he likes to treat us, and we cook for him at our houses regularly so it feels reciprocal.

ItGhoul · 07/04/2025 14:18

butterfly172 · 07/04/2025 11:34

Ok, so I’ll just keep quiet and tiny in everyone’s life. I’m actually really good to his kids, I’ll help out where I can, celebrate their wins and we have a good relationship. But it hurts to be seen as a someone who is a wrecker.

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Stop being so self-pitying. All your responses are passive-aggressive, poor-me stuff and this whole thread is like pulling teeth.

Who has said you are 'a wrecker'? Was your partner still married when you met?

BunnyLake · 07/04/2025 14:32

Apreslapluielesoleil · 07/04/2025 12:38

I can’t see how 3 adults in their twenties can’t organise paying for a meal for their dad. Even if that is their present to him and there’s nothing else it s only going to be £20-£25 each isn’t it? I don’t remember treating my DDs as children when they were adults.

It’s normal in our house. If ex comes over to see our adult kids the habit is to get a takeaway and he always pays.

I can’t answer re his birthdays as that event wouldn’t happen in the first place.

ByQuaintAzureWasp · 07/04/2025 15:08

Weve been on birthday meals when people have paid whose birthday it is. We reciprocate.

Skyflymom · 07/04/2025 15:23

You’re just being weird. We would never accept any of our adult children (7 between us!) paying for dinner when we go out. Their partners included! If he can afford it it’s perfectly normal to want to treat your grown kids regardless of what they earn! It was the same when my in laws used to take us out, it was always their treat even though we always offered to pay.

CosyLemur · 07/04/2025 15:23

Whoever does the inviting pays.

Ie: we're going for a meal for my birthday do you want to come - I pay
Mum as it's your birthday do you want to go out for a meal - they pay

Original poster

butterfly172 · 07/04/2025 15:40

ItGhoul · 07/04/2025 14:18

Stop being so self-pitying. All your responses are passive-aggressive, poor-me stuff and this whole thread is like pulling teeth.

Who has said you are 'a wrecker'? Was your partner still married when you met?

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No, he’d been divorced for 9 years

OP posts:

ItGhoul · 07/04/2025 15:48

butterfly172 · 07/04/2025 15:40

No, he’d been divorced for 9 years

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So why are you going on about being 'a wrecker'?

Christ, this is like pulling teeth

Original poster

butterfly172 · 07/04/2025 15:59

ItGhoul · 07/04/2025 15:48

So why are you going on about being 'a wrecker'?

Christ, this is like pulling teeth

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Because it’s been assumed by someone in the thread that I’m acting like a wicked stepmother and that I’m purposely trying to drive a wedge

OP posts:

Farr85 · 07/04/2025 16:04

It's so mean that they wouldn't pay for his meal between 3 of them. My own dad would nearly leap over a table to stop me or anyone else paying,but if you want to pay you can very discreetly signal to staff or convientley need to use the bathroom and pay the bill.

SaladSandwichesForTea · 07/04/2025 16:15

butterfly172 · 07/04/2025 11:41

Maybe I am childish 🤷‍♀️

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Maybe you should keep trying to have the last word to prove how grown up and not childish you are.

NidaNearby · 07/04/2025 16:16

butterfly172 · 07/04/2025 15:59

Because it’s been assumed by someone in the thread that I’m acting like a wicked stepmother and that I’m purposely trying to drive a wedge

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You yourself admitted that seeing the positive relationship between your partner and his kids is triggering for you given your poor relationship with your own father, and that this jealousy is driving you to interfere.

skippy67 · 07/04/2025 16:16

butterfly172 · 07/04/2025 10:48

I guess it’s hard for me to understand, I’m not a mum. I don’t get the feelings he has as I’m not a parent. I’ll step back.

Yay!

SallyD00lally · 07/04/2025 16:19

Farr85 · 07/04/2025 16:04

It's so mean that they wouldn't pay for his meal between 3 of them. My own dad would nearly leap over a table to stop me or anyone else paying,but if you want to pay you can very discreetly signal to staff or convientley need to use the bathroom and pay the bill.

Edited

It's just a takeaway and their dad wants to pay for it.

IpsyUpsyDaisyDoos · 07/04/2025 16:21

Farr85 · 07/04/2025 16:04

It's so mean that they wouldn't pay for his meal between 3 of them. My own dad would nearly leap over a table to stop me or anyone else paying,but if you want to pay you can very discreetly signal to staff or convientley need to use the bathroom and pay the bill.

Edited

If I paid in secret when I knew my parents wanted to pay they would be upset and just transfer the money to my account anyway.

It's not mean if it's the way the family is set up and everyone is happy with it. OP hasn't said they won't pay, just that he always does. She doesn't want know (and nor do we) whether in the last there's been conversations, attempts to pay that their dad found offensive or upsetting.

rookiemere · 07/04/2025 16:54

MounjaroOnMyMind · 07/04/2025 13:21

I think some people have been very harsh.

Could you say to the kids, "I've been thinking, why don't we all split the restaurant bill, to give your dad a treat?"

Regarding your future finances, I'd make sure that I overpaid my pension and kept my own savings, too. It's natural that he will want to leave something to his children, but you have to think of yourself, too.

Why shouldn’t OP say this ? Well primarily because a) it’s none of her business b) it may already have been discussed by the DF with his DCs directly and c) it could create an odd atmosphere going forward. Everyone in this scenario is a grown up so it’s not up to OP to try to teach adults how to interact with their own DF.

Plus even if your finances are completely separate it does give off a bit of a vibe of wanting him to spend less money on them, even if that’s not the intention.

BoldAmberDuck · 07/04/2025 19:15

My husband will always pay for his adult kids meals too. Not a problem

Nina1013 · 07/04/2025 20:51

butterfly172 · 07/04/2025 11:15

Yeah; I’ve got the point. I guess I’m just jealous as he’s so good to his kids and it was a little difficult for me at times as me and my dad didn’t always see eye to eye.

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I know how you feel to a degree. I do everything for my daughter (well we do everything for our daughter) but sometimes (more often than I would like), it’s like an internal salt in the wound that I didn’t have that myself.

My dad (now NC) would never in a million years have paid for anything for me. Before we went for a family meal he would insist on an email stating that we would pay for ourselves (I wish I was kidding). This wasn’t because we had ever not paid for ourselves either. He was just tight, emotionally abusive in many ways and pretty awful.

Try to move past it and find pleasure and joy in not repeating the cycle and being with someone like your own dad. That’s what I do, I actively try to be the exact opposite.

Greypanda86 · 07/04/2025 21:29

My dads youngest is 35 he always pays for all of us if we eat out whether it’s for his birthday or not, he likes to and would never let us pay

Squigglesandgiggles · 07/04/2025 21:33

You are also only replying to the negative comments (not that I disagree with them) which speaks volumes about your character and love for drama.