My one and only holiday ruined?

[AbbeyDown]

AIBU to feel really upset that my holiday plans have changed without my input?

I’m looking for some outside perspective because I’m feeling really unsettled about something, and my husband doesn’t seem to get where I’m coming from.

We booked a 10-day holiday abroad as a break after my 16-year-old daughter finishes her GCSEs. It was meant to be just the three of us — a time to relax, unwind, and celebrate her finishing such a stressful chapter.

Now I’ve found out that my husband’s long-time friend (who I’ve known for years, but we’re not especially close) has also booked onto the same holiday, staying at our hotel. He’s bringing along his girlfriend, who I’ve only met once, and their two kids — one who is close in age to my daughter, and a 5 year-old.

I had no say in this. My husband told them about our plans, and they just… decided to come. Apparently it was going to be kept a secret and just surprise us when we got to the airport. I wasn’t asked if I was okay with it, and now I’m expected to share my holiday with a group of people I don’t know well, including a young child, which changes the whole dynamic of the trip.

I also want to be honest: I struggle with confidence, especially around my body and skin. I deal with hormonal acne, and holidays are the one time I let go, go makeup-free, and truly relax — knowing no one knows me and I don’t have to “perform” socially. Now, with someone 12 years younger than me who I barely know coming along, I feel extremely self-conscious and uncomfortable. It’s not about jealousy — it’s about not feeling safe to just be myself anymore.

My husband says I’m overreacting and that there’s “nothing wrong with my body,” but he’s totally missing the emotional side of this for me. I feel like my space has been taken away from me, and I’ve lost the freedom I was looking forward to.

AIBU to feel upset about this? And has anyone else dealt with something similar?

How incredibly insensitive of your husband’s friend.

This happened to us a few years ago, only we found out when we arrived that my husband’s cousin and family had hijacked our holiday. I was furious but I had to suck it up as my husband was as shocked as I was. we are very guarded over any holiday details now and always will be.

You're upset about the wrong thing. The problem isn't the holiday. The problem is your husband.

That's an interesting take. True though. At least with selfish people, you can sort of predict them. With thoughtless ones, you have no idea what random shizz is going to come along.

I would be very pissed off about this situation. And I would bet your husband did actually invite them. And that says a lots about your relationship, in a way that he doesn't value your company alone.

Everyone is so sure your DH did this on purpose, but they don't know him, only you do.
My DH would give out dates etc. while chatting. It wouldn't occur to him that someone would gatecrash a holiday. If they did, it wouldn't bother him either, he's just so easygoing. I'd hate it and react like you. I would have to say to the others that I won't be spending time either them, that I'm totally unsocial.

I hope you end up enjoying yourself.

OP - you’re very clear on fact that you feeling uncomfortable about holidaying with this family is your prerogative, and I completely and utterly agree.

However…. Your young teen daughter is telling you explicitly that she does NOT want this either. So quite honestly, I am perplexed why you continue to focus on YOU and YOUR issues with this, rather than simply saying to your husband, who isn’t even your daughter’s father FGS, “me and DD are moving hotels and that is simply not negotiable”. End of.

if you can't change hotels - does reception put wrist bands on you or do they hand them to you?
if they put them on you ask for it to be loose on both your's and your daughter's wrists - then you can slip your's off later and pass to you daughter so she can sit by adult pool with you. she can put hers back on when going to restaurant.
you shouldn't have to but if your daughter is looking more adult at reception they might accidentally give her an adult band.

Because £1,000 is a huge amount for many people to pay to change hotels.

I would be a bit annoyed. But I wouldn't spend time with them if I didn't want to. It's not as if they are close friends. Tell your husband this before you go. Don't be afraid you are being rude. You are not. People do anything to get their own way and expect others to go along with it. If they don't then that's rude.

@AbbeyDown Something you put in one of your previous messages actually nails it.

Get DH to send a text to say that you have been chatting and you both realise the benefit of a holiday is to leave everyone and everything behind and just chill so to that end, is there any chance they can change their week?

If they complain about it, he can tell them that he was shocked when they booked on and yes, you do both feel hijacked.

It's the wanting to leave everything from home behind thing that you can use. It's less personal and specific.

It would drive me nuts but I've been scalded by this twice. Never again.

I'm my experience, although your daughter will be given a child's band, if she looks 16 or older, people won't have a problem with her being in the 18+ area. If she's just chilling and generally not causing an issue. We have done this at a couple of hotels, our daughter was 14, but is tall and looks older.

Sadly I don’t really think @AbbeyDown can do that. There is always a chance you will bump into someone you know on holiday, horrifying as that is, I find stern politeness effective “well, it’s been lovely to see you, we’ve got plans and are protecting our family downtime, sure you understand. Have fun!”

@AbbeyDown , you’re H is either an absolute moron or a dick. I would be absolutely clear to him you won’t be spending any time with them and he can brief them beforehand but not to be coming at you about being rude. I would then be icely polite as above and move every time they arrived. You will have to be a bit hard nosed about it but do t let that upset you or ruin your holiday, none of this is of your making.

My husband and I are really clashing over this. He’s adamant that he didn’t invite them — he insists all he did was respond when his friend asked for the name of our hotel and the exact dates we were going. But honestly, I said to him, how naïve can you be? If someone’s asking for those details and even requesting a screenshot of the hotel, it’s pretty obvious what their intentions are. His response? “I didn’t think they’d actually book it!”

The more you update the more of a prick your husband is. His mate has whinged about his holidays, bored with a young kid. He's blatantly sat there going to his mate " oh yeah, it would be great for you to come along with us, give the kid to the women, we can both chill by the pool!" He was probably paying lip service and wanting to appear the "big man" who does as he pleases on holiday in front of his mate. Then his mate calls his bluff. "Nice one mate, give me the details then, I'll book it." Now your moron husband is sat there and can't not give him the details as he's just done this whole performance about how it would be brilliant if they came.

So I think your husband basically tried to puff himself up and announce how he'd soon have that niggling childcare issue sorted, but didn't think for a minute that the mate would call his bluff and actually book the holiday.

Your husband has caused this. Then pretending it's not his fault because someone called his bluff. And now "clashing" with you instead of any accountability for what he's done? What a piece of shit frankly.

I’d feel exactly the same as you OP. Holidays cost a lot of money and for most people it might be the one time in a year where you truly relax. I’d have been furious. Holidays are important to me and if I book a holiday planning to relax the whole time and then it changes and other people come along It would ruin it for me. It’s completely different holidaying with others IF it was agreed when booking.
If you are unable to change hotels then I’d say to your DH that this is not the holiday you wanted, so he needs to tell his friend that, you won’t be spending time together, maybe one meal on one evening. You will not be babysitting and your dd does not want to make friends with their dd, she just wants to relax. He can say to them you’re not being rude or unfriendly, it’s not personal it’s just not the type of holiday you wanted. Hopefully they will take it on board and leave you alone. I’d really hate it though and if your dh didn’t have a hand in this he’s very naive. A normal conversation about holidays usually only involves something like ‘we’re going to Spain in June’ not all the ins and outs and flights!!!

He could be that naive. He may have thought that he was demonstrating the deal he’d got and giving them suggestions of what to book. We don’t know him, only OP can make a judgement on whether he’s knowingly done this or is just a wally.

Weekend at Bernie's maybe? Or Griswold's Vegas Vacation?

I'm like you OP, look forward to chilling and privacy same as DD

I'd be moving heaven and earth to financially and practically change hotels. The other family will still be there even if you can swerve to the adult pool during the day. It will be awkward and cringe.

I'd be fuming at DH. Do you know if he has contacted friend and girlfriend to tell them your reaction.

I would also hate this! If it can’t be changed, I think you’ll have to do your best to avoid - sunbeds where there isnt room for them too, a table at breakfast with no room for them etc. Don’t even tell DH where you are going next time!

Hormonal acne - I also had this, although pretty mildly. Perimenopause and it disappeared overnight. Bloody hormones! Hope it disappears for you one day too!

I wonder if it might work to say to the girlfriend that you were horrified when you heard they had booked the same dates and hotel. That obviously you can’t control where they choose to holiday but had you known they would be at the hotel at the same time you would never have booked it for yourself. Them describing this as hijacking your holiday is exactly the right word to use but not in a humorous way. You’re so upset by this you have been trying to change your dates and/or hotel so as not to overlap but if you can’t do this you wanted to be upfront that this is a family holiday for you and you don’t want to convert it into a dual family holiday and explicitly you won’t be available to babysit nor will your DD and it’s entirely your DD’s choice whether she wants to socialise with their older DC or would prefer to spend time with her own family and ask them to ensure their DC respects her choices on this. Really make her aware of how much they have overstepped here by not asking your family before they booked and nipping any expectations of a two family holiday firmly in the bud as far as you and DD are concerned.

Do some people really think the husband just casually told his mate about the holiday and the mate booked it without the husband knowing? They've booked on the same flights, FFS. No one is stupid enough to believe this.

I'd be very tempted to say because of the stress that your daughter is under, it is essential for her mental health to have some down time with her family and that she is not up to socialising at the moment after her stressful exams. It's not a stretch that the girl is stressed out.

I’d be mighty pissed off by this, OP. Your DH is stupid and naive at best! The worst bit is the 5 year old. As if they are going to oblige while the adults sit reading on the loungers! Completely changes the dynamics!

@Pickedupsomethingsuss Ah, thanks for the no-nonsense life plan, if only things were as straightforward in real life as they seem to be in your head.

You seem to have completely missed the part where I said it would cost over £1000 to move hotels, and that I am trying to find a way out of this mess — a mess, by the way, that I didn’t create. It’s not about me being precious, it’s about feeling completely disrespected and trying to protect both mine and my daughter’s wellbeing, all while trying to navigate a partner who clearly didn’t think things through before sending a friend details of our holiday.

But sure, I’ll just stamp my feet and say “non-negotiable” and make a grand appear. Problem solved, right?

Appreciate the insight, but next time, maybe dial down the lecture, I’m already stressed enough without the smug commentary.