My one and only holiday ruined?

[AbbeyDown]

AIBU to feel really upset that my holiday plans have changed without my input?

I’m looking for some outside perspective because I’m feeling really unsettled about something, and my husband doesn’t seem to get where I’m coming from.

We booked a 10-day holiday abroad as a break after my 16-year-old daughter finishes her GCSEs. It was meant to be just the three of us — a time to relax, unwind, and celebrate her finishing such a stressful chapter.

Now I’ve found out that my husband’s long-time friend (who I’ve known for years, but we’re not especially close) has also booked onto the same holiday, staying at our hotel. He’s bringing along his girlfriend, who I’ve only met once, and their two kids — one who is close in age to my daughter, and a 5 year-old.

I had no say in this. My husband told them about our plans, and they just… decided to come. Apparently it was going to be kept a secret and just surprise us when we got to the airport. I wasn’t asked if I was okay with it, and now I’m expected to share my holiday with a group of people I don’t know well, including a young child, which changes the whole dynamic of the trip.

I also want to be honest: I struggle with confidence, especially around my body and skin. I deal with hormonal acne, and holidays are the one time I let go, go makeup-free, and truly relax — knowing no one knows me and I don’t have to “perform” socially. Now, with someone 12 years younger than me who I barely know coming along, I feel extremely self-conscious and uncomfortable. It’s not about jealousy — it’s about not feeling safe to just be myself anymore.

My husband says I’m overreacting and that there’s “nothing wrong with my body,” but he’s totally missing the emotional side of this for me. I feel like my space has been taken away from me, and I’ve lost the freedom I was looking forward to.

AIBU to feel upset about this? And has anyone else dealt with something similar?

@ohdearagain2 the previous visits we have had to this hotel, the put the wristbands on you when you first check in at reception.

The younger girlfriend element unsettling the dynamic I’m talking about.

AbbeyDown I understand completely where you're coming from, and hope you can get it sorted. Big hugs

I think as it will cost £1000+ to change dates/hotels and possibly your marriage, this is the way to go. You can blame the men - who deserve it - and make the assumption that the GF was as unaware as you over the fact you were going at the same time before it was booked. Maybe position it as “an awkward situation all round”.

You could even apologise for the misunderstanding caused by your DH “He may have given friend the impression that we are up for a group holiday, but honestly DD and I really aren’t! We are real recluses in holiday and just want to sit in the corner reading our books. I’m so sorry for any part DH may have played in this misunderstanding. I hope we can both have enjoyable holidays and you understand when we do our own thing. We have waited so long to just relax and DD is particularly keen for the holiday to be just the three of us after her stressful exams.”

This.
100% your husband knew.

If he was planning to spend the holiday doing stuff with you, you wouldn't need "someone to talk to" would you? He wants to spend time with his mate doing "boy things".
I would book another hotel for you and DD and plan other holiday activities for the 2 of you. Don't tell him until you get there - just get in a separate taxi at the airport.

Be clear that you may have ended up in the same place at the same time, but that doesn't mean you're all on holiday together.

You can be clear with your husband that while he's free to meet up with his pal, it'll be just him alone while you and your daughter will be doing things just the two of you. If he wants to spend time with his friend that's up to the two of them, but it won't be that both families are going for dinner etc.

I agree that the other dad has complained about going on holiday with his wife and child, and the two of them have concocted this idea and tried to serve a fait a complit. Since you know in advance, you can have a few stock phrases if you see them there and make it clear that yourl have your own plans for the day.

No thanks.
That's a shame, I'm sure you'll work something out.
We're fine over here thanks.
Yes that's just holidays with young children isn't it, we're past that stage!
Thanks but no we don't need the sunbeds you've saved for us.
This is a special break for my daughter and I. I'm sure you understand.
I hope you enjoy your day but no, that doesn't suit us
And keep things vague, no more details to be given by your husband!

As long as you're clear from the start, and since you and the mum aren't friends, you can make it work. The worst thing you can do is give mixed messages, like sitting with them sometimes. Best not to do it at all.

And if you can get the wristbands off, then your husband can give his to your daughter.

Oh come on !!! Nobody just casually gives their friend that sort of detail.
I suspect the girlfriend has been blind-sided too, and she's embarrassed.
And it has NOTHING to do with your concerns about your body image (which I totally get btw, but don't get sidetracked by him minimising this) - it's a totally unacceptable thing to do for all sorts of reasons.

This is probably the best option. I’d probably be a little more blunt in the message and say that you’d prefer that none of them eat meals with you and DD or speak to you at all during the holiday! I’d rather come across as being very rude than have to endure this situation without saying something.

You seem to have completely missed the part where I said it would cost over £1000 to move hotels

You didn't, until you posted that. I had 'see all' on your posts and this was the first mention of the cost. Unless you're simultaneously posting under another username.

Anyway, it's day 3 of this saga, you've got lots of support on here, are you going to make some decisions today? Change plans or live with it?

If it's costing £1000 to change, unfortunately I think you're going to have to make the best of the holiday. I doubt they'll be willing to fork out to change their flights or hotel, particularly after being given the go ahead by your DH. It will be awkward whether or not you spend time together. On paper giving them the cold shoulder and avoiding them is the answer but I can't imagine anybody doing this in real life successfully whilst still enjoying the holiday.

Book plenty of days out and experience the local culture; of course everyone is different but it must be rather dull having one holiday a year to the exact same destination and doing nothing but lounging around a pool. Book sunbeds at a nearby beach club and keep it quiet, don't tell any of them, just go. Whilst you are at the pool, if it's all inclusive, make sure you often have a drink at hand from the bar so you won't be roped into helping with childcare. Utilise the adult spaces if you can, I'm sure they won't bat an eyelid as your daughter is practically an adult.

This would annoy but I can’t say I’d be devastated. Make your husband impose on them that this isn’t a group holiday - a couple of dinners together maybe but that you’re there to switch off, not socialise.

OP - I definitely get where you’re coming from.

I'm similar in many ways to only being able to fully relax by myself/immediate family. And I get inordinately stressed with having to make small talk for an extended period of time. My DH has also done similar things.

I’ve come to realise with age:

is that my DH isn’t being horrible, gaslighting or ignoring my wishes when he did do these things. He just genuinely doesnt mind these situations - and is much, much clearer & direct in getting his needs met. So he would actually just say, hey, friend, I want some alone time today, see you tomorrow.

He’s now realised how much it bothers me so will check with me before doing stuff like that.

in terms of this holiday, try to be a little more selfish. I know it’s hard but as I’ve gotten older, I’ve definitely taken a page out of my DHs handbook and have been more forceful in getting my needs (& wants!) met.

You have every right to the holiday you want so don’t feel pressured by societal norms to spend your time with a woman you don’t know & don’t want to spend time with.

it really is NOT rude to say a breezy, sorry, Jane, me & DD have scheduled the day to discuss xyz by the pool - we won’t be much fun today but we might be able to catch-up later on. (I know it’s hard but it really does get easier with practice!)

If you can't change hotels, then I would just cancel it. No point going on a holiday you are dreading and wasting even more money on it.

@AbbeyDown I think you should stick with it. I am completely with you though - this would really annoy me. However, you absolutely do not have to spend any time with them. Make it clear to DH that you will carry on as you usually do. The GF obviously feels awkward. If they suggest anything you can always say ‘to be honest, I just want to chill as this is our only holiday’. You should not have to change your plans but this is on DH. Why did he need to tell them the dates? The idiot - unless he thought his mate was asking in order to avoid trying to book the same time off 🥴

We've gone to an all inclusive where adult prices are charged for those over 14. They still get the under 18 wristband so they can't be served alcohol or use the 18+ pool. I wouldn't rely on being able to go to the adult pool.

I think you're naive if you believe your husband gave this family the exact dates, hotel and flight details but was 'surprised' by them booking. As if. They agreed it between them and are making a fool of you with the story. That's your real problem.

Interesting accusation suggesting I’m posting under multiple usernames is quite the reach. Bit of a CSI: Mumsnet moment, really. If you missed where I mentioned the cost of changing hotels, fair enough but jumping to conspiracy theories is just unnecessary and, honestly, a bit ridiculous.

Also, if you’re still hanging around on “day 3 of the saga” and clearly not enjoying the thread, here’s a wild idea: you could just stop reading it. I didn’t post here to perform or meet a deadline for strangers. I’m dealing with a stressful, expensive situation that’s having a real impact on me and my daughter. This is a support forum, not a reality show.

So if the thread’s not to your taste, feel free to scroll on. I promise I won’t take it personally

@AbbeyDown I would feel similarly - its completely different to if you'd planned a holiday with this in mind. I second everything @rookiemere says here. Set the record straight now while you can, then go and enjoy your holiday and don't let your DH and his friend make you feel bad. It's a lot less rude to set boundaries than it is to hijack someone's holiday!

She said yesterday at 7pm that it would cost £1000 to change hotels. So if you didn’t see it, that’s on you.

I would just go, but pre warn your DH that you and your DD will do your own thing.
You will not be sociable if you don’t want to be
You have the right to move loungers for a quieter atmosphere if the friends turn up with their youngsters
You don’t want to be joined for breakfast, lunch and dinner
You don’t want to spend evenings together
You won’t do any childcare and neither will your DD
put boundaries in place before you go so your DH can’t argue
Treat the holiday as you would if you were going with just your family
Your DH can pre warn his friend too

She said it under the same username at 19:06 yesterday.

It's OK to admit you got it wrong.

Pack a needle, scissors and thread. Those bands I imagine would be fabric, as having plastic round your wrist all holiday would be very uncomfortable.

If your DH can't slide his off to give your DD, then it gets cut off as close to the fastening as you can. Sew it round DDs wrist, again as close as you can.

DH then goes to reception and says his must have fallen off somewhere.

In the same way that they did the "ha ha, we hijacked your holiday" comment, you can phrase your position in the same lighthearted manner:
"ha ha, yes can you imagine some people would think that means we're on a group holiday! We'll probably never see you there - we'll be nowhere near the kiddy areas. The men might meet up but my daughter and I have our own plans, as I'm sure you do with your child."

I’d probably cancel the holiday if you can get most of your money back. This all seems to have been planned because it’s so
obvious that when someone is asking about flight and hotel details that they’re intending to book at the same time. Would you be able to afford 3 - 4 nights in a different hotel so that you can at least salvage some quality time together?

Genius! I was going to suggest contacting the hotel and ask that they admit your daughter into the adult areas but if possible do the above. It costs them nothing but if you ask and they say no you could be stuck.

My other advice would be to basically ignore them. Just say hi and carry on reading, they’ll soon get the message.

Third thought. Is it possible that your husband is a bit bored if not a big reader and likes the idea of having a mate to chat to/drink cocktails with? Would he like a bit more of an active holiday do you think?

Sorry if this has been covered before. Have read OP’s comments but not full thread.

I can never understand this desire to respond like for like.

For me the most important thing here is that OP communicates as clearly as possible that she and DD do not want to spend time on holiday with this other family. Doing it some passive aggressive pseudo jokey way doesn’t really move the story forward much. Other family can arrive and push their way in saying “Oh we thought you were joking. You don’t mind looking after little Johnny at the pool this afternoon when we go on our wine tasting trip do you?”

For all we know the DGF has likely been told that OP and her DD were happy to share holidays, so far better to be very explicit about what will and won’t be happening, but assume original positive intent. That way if they do try and butt in or lumber anyone “Oh you do remember my message. DD and I are just going to move to this isolated spot so we can read our books - I did say we were holiday hermits, enjoy the kiddies pool ! Oh no we can’t look after Johnnie, far too noisy in the kiddies area for us, remember I said we just like to totally relax and enjoy our free time.”