My one and only holiday ruined?

[AbbeyDown]

AIBU to feel really upset that my holiday plans have changed without my input?

I’m looking for some outside perspective because I’m feeling really unsettled about something, and my husband doesn’t seem to get where I’m coming from.

We booked a 10-day holiday abroad as a break after my 16-year-old daughter finishes her GCSEs. It was meant to be just the three of us — a time to relax, unwind, and celebrate her finishing such a stressful chapter.

Now I’ve found out that my husband’s long-time friend (who I’ve known for years, but we’re not especially close) has also booked onto the same holiday, staying at our hotel. He’s bringing along his girlfriend, who I’ve only met once, and their two kids — one who is close in age to my daughter, and a 5 year-old.

I had no say in this. My husband told them about our plans, and they just… decided to come. Apparently it was going to be kept a secret and just surprise us when we got to the airport. I wasn’t asked if I was okay with it, and now I’m expected to share my holiday with a group of people I don’t know well, including a young child, which changes the whole dynamic of the trip.

I also want to be honest: I struggle with confidence, especially around my body and skin. I deal with hormonal acne, and holidays are the one time I let go, go makeup-free, and truly relax — knowing no one knows me and I don’t have to “perform” socially. Now, with someone 12 years younger than me who I barely know coming along, I feel extremely self-conscious and uncomfortable. It’s not about jealousy — it’s about not feeling safe to just be myself anymore.

My husband says I’m overreacting and that there’s “nothing wrong with my body,” but he’s totally missing the emotional side of this for me. I feel like my space has been taken away from me, and I’ve lost the freedom I was looking forward to.

AIBU to feel upset about this? And has anyone else dealt with something similar?

I won’t. I’ve never met this child. He won’t know us at all.

Honestly, I would be booking myself a different holiday. Let them all go off together if they want, but I would not be there. I would be devastated by this change of plan, especially without any consultation.

I’m not surprised you’re annoyed, I’d be fuming.

id make it crystal clear to your dh that you’re not being left with the GF or the kids and that your DD isn’t there to entertain their DD either.

I suspect they are thinking that your DD will entertain their DD, and that the men can grab some time together and you and the GF will be happy with the DC. That would be a big fat NO from me!

Try bit to worry about your image (easier said then done), but carry on as normal. I wouldn’t give a toss if they think I’m unsociable.

So your husband didn’t know about the surprise. His only mistake, if any, was mentioning his holiday plans to his friend. Although I’m guessing they already knew the hotel given you go every year.

unfortunately there is nothing you can do about it, so you just need to style it out op.

don’t be like to many OP’s and utterly spineless and end up, oh I don’t know, looking after the 5 year old for the entire holiday. Just woman up and enjoy your holiday with your daughter and husband

@FlameflickNo he said not. But he had discussed the hotel etc of were we were staying and what dates we were going.

Yanbu that sounds awful! It's on your DH to sort this out and soon by either rebooking your hotel or insisting they do. Being anonymous is one of the bonuses of going on holiday.

You really really REALLY need to find a backbone about this, this is your holiday as much as the rest of the family and you’re entitled to say how uncomfortable this makes you. Your husband doesn’t get to dictate your feelings about it because he wants a jolly with his mate.

You need to say ‘I will not be spending time with them, I will not be looking out for or looking after their 5 year old, I will be either doing my own thing or things as a family. It’s very disappointing that your friend has decided to impose himself on my time to relax, and it’s even more disappointing that you think it’s ok to waste our family time like this - how many more family holidays with (16 year old) do you think we have left?’.

Your dd and the other teen… know each other?

If you like the hotel and have been before, change the dates of the booking. You'll end up doing stuff that suits the 5 yo and I'd be annoyed about that too.

Very typical chat with a friend

although so you suspect that this was planned or does your husband seem genuinely surprised?

I had no say in this. My husband told them about our plans, and they just… decided to come.

Tbh it doesn't sound like your DH did either.

You can't prevent others booking a holiday, even if it is to the same place as you.

Manage it in the lead up and during by setting your boundaries and messaging to them about the holiday.

So your husband didn’t know about the surprise. His only mistake, if any, was mentioning his holiday plans to his friend

People don’t ’just mention’ a holiday to mates and they suddenly decide to come along of their own volition. Especially men, I’d bet my last penny that they’ve made some grand plan together to leave the women and kids so they can have a relived youth experience and trying to dress it up as a ‘surprise’. It stinks of ‘what can we get out of this’.

Yes I’d hate this too. I don’t deal well with unexpected socialising and like my space. Thankfully DH is the same so wouldn’t do this. I’m not sure what you can do now though 😞

That is actually a pretty normal and reasonable thing to do. If you think your DH is being truthful about the surprise, the problem is with his friend.

So two options now, I think. One is that you move hotel. The other is that you get him on board with absolutely rigid boundaries on how this is going to work. If you don't trust him to do the latter, it's going to have to be the former.

The key here is...did your husband already know, before the couple told you? Or was it a complete surprise for him too? Clearly your husband told his friend where and when you were going, otherwise his friend wouldn't have been able to book the same holiday. I'd be wondering if the two men cooked this up between them?! Is that likely? If your husband has genuinely been caught off guard as much as you, there's little either of you can do about it. You can't dictate where someone else holidays. If your husband knew before the couple told you, then as much as he couldn't change the fact, he should have given you heads up. You don't have to spend 10 days with these people, you can opt to do things without them. Or you change hotels, but it's likely you will lose the money you've paid. Most of us can't afford to just lose money. You need to talk to your husband and daughter about boundaries on this holiday. What are they both prepared to do and not prepared to do. For example is your husband thinking that your entire holiday will be spent with these people? You're not thinking down those lines etc. You need to have ground rules before you go!

Is your hotel refundable? I would book somewhere several miles in the opposite direction from the airport.

If you can't change your hotel, still go ahead with your plans to be on the sun lounger with your kindle. Keep sunglasses on and be antisocial. You don't have to socialise with them if you don't want.
You'll probably come off as a snotty cow but honestly it will be worth it, you don't have much in common with the gf so you don't have much to lose anyway.

make sure you have plans with your DD. Tell your DH what these plans are.

Make sure that at no time you agree, or it is agreed on your behalf, that anyone joins these plans without your say-so.

And say this in advance - use actual words to your DH: i will not at any time be in sole or joint charge of any children apart from the one i have squished out of my own nether regions. It. Will. Not. Happen.

These absolute CFs have obviously booked in the full expectation that you’re all going to spend time together and have one big group holiday - otherwise why would they have done it? I’m getting strong vibes of the other thread running currently from the woman who went to the festival for a much-needed solo battery-charging break, and her workmate turned up as a ‘surprise' with her 7-year old and then kept butting in. I’m afraid I’m also suspecting your DH's involvement in this plan too.

I'd be absolutely beside myself at this, @AbbeyDown, and I’m afraid I’d be refusing to go along with it. Even if it meant paying cancellation fees to change the dates, I'd have to rebook. And I would NOT be telling the CFs the change of plan.

If you go, the chances of avoiding them completely are slim to none, unfortunately. And you’re going to be spending the whole time knotted up with resentment anyway.

Can you change either your dates or your hotel?

Your husband needs to stop fobbing you off telling you it'll be OK and actually acknowledge your feelings.

Tell him, "If I say it's not OK, it's not OK. Stop telling me it'll be OK when it is so very far from OK. I don't want to socialise with them on my holiday."

Like this has ever bothered CFs. They leave their kids with anyone if there's a night out on the end of it.

OP, I've had this and it's frigging soul destroying because your DH is not listening to you either.

I still have flashbacks to a holiday from hell forty years ago if I smell lemon washing up liquid.

Make sure your h knows that you and your dd will not be providing company or child care for the other couple.
Your h can do that as he's so fine with them coming.
I'd be very much looking to either change the dates (I did this last year for a small fee) or move hotels

My husband has just rang me from work and I’ve told him how I feel. He said he didn’t know and the friend asked when and were we were going.
He said he thinks it will be fine as I will have someone to talk to!! I’ve told him I don’t want anyone to talk to!

Actually forget finding a new hotel/destination for three of you, I'd just do it for you and your DD, let your DH stay with his friends if he thinks it's such a great idea. Change it into a girly trip OP.

... and also @AbbeyDown what does your daughter think? She's 16; a young adult and NOT a child any more. It's her holiday too - what does she think and what would her idea situation be?