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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be fed up with in laws here all the time and hubby moving his sister in?

738 replies

Sp3849 · 06/04/2025 22:25

So a few months ago we bought our dream home. With a bit of land for our horse mad daughter to finally have her horse. It's been years in the making and to achieve it We had to relocate our whole lives We have both worked our guts out over the years.

However, since moving in our in laws have been making alot of effort to come visit etc. Now bearing in mind we now live 3 hours away. When we lived in the same town as them for 15 years we only saw or spoke to them if we visited which was a few times a year. They never called to ask about our kids. They had no interest at all. No birthday wishes no visit at Christmas nothing from them at all. Never even phoned to see how they were. Once we moved to Thier favourite place to holiday they started to visit us. At first I didn't care. My husband was happy his parents where making an effort and my kids had grandparents that saw them.

However a few weeks ago my husband comes home from work and says his sister who is 30 has handed in her notice and is moving down our way. She asked if she can put a static caravan on our land. I had no issue with this. We talked about how it would be nice for our daughter to have her auntie who was a horse loving riding instructor and a career in horse health and welfare to hand and how she could have company hacking together etc.

Next thing he comes home and she is moving in our house as she can't afford a caravan. I am like ok well I don't mind helping her get on her feet but it's not forever.

The last three weeks have been hell and she hasn't even moved in yet. We only have a Sunday off work together. My husband is off on saturday too. His whole family have been here every weekend all weekend. Preparing and decorating the spare room. Moving all her horse stuff down. My poor husband is run ragged as they want extra fences gates and all these things in place for her horse. They haven't paid for a single thing or even offered they just expect it and he delivers. I feel so uncomfortable in my own home. I have one day off work and I can't catch up on housework or spend time with my children. I haven't barely seen my husband as he works long hours in the week. We both eat tea and it's time for bed. Sunday has always been our day. I have told him tonight that we need boundaries. His family only want to know now because of what we have. I am happy to help his sis but there needs to be a time limit and if his mum dad and other siblings think they can come here to stay every weekend too then I will end up moving out.

I have told him how I feel we have had a very large row. Apparently I am unreasonable. I just know this is not going to end well. They have done some truly horrible things over the years to him and I feel like we are being used for our house!

OP posts:
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Dinosweetpea · 06/04/2025 22:29

Don't let the sister move in. This has absolute disaster written all over it.
Noone will be enjoying your dream home if you get divorced....
Time to put your foot down.

Missgemini · 06/04/2025 22:35

Wow I feel suffocated and I’m not even involved! It’s very awkward, but at the very least, you need a firm date for when the sister is moving out.
Is it one of those situations where they feel that their son/brother has bought the house, so they feel entitled to it? Completely disregarding your input? Not that it matters. It’s your home. You need to start saying no.

Snoopdoggydog123 · 06/04/2025 22:37

I'd be dying violently on this hill.

Tell him it's all off. That no one is visiting for at least a months and then there will be rules.

If he fights you. Move into the spare room yourself.
Message his family and tell them all the above yourself

Baggyprincess · 06/04/2025 22:38

Change the locks. Stop all in-law visits and SIL’s move.

springbringshope · 06/04/2025 22:41

If she moves in you are moving out. And for now you are moving into the spare room until he has the balls to stand up for himself and the decency to apologise for railroading you.

lactofree · 06/04/2025 22:41

Fanny lodger

Obvnotthegolden · 06/04/2025 22:47

This is awful, you're like a lobster being slowly boiled and you don't even see it.

The caravan idea was a test, why would she bother to do that when you agreed so easily.

Don't let her move in, the whole family are users and your DH is enabling him to the detriment of the rest of you.

MayaPinion · 06/04/2025 22:48

Nope nope nope. She is not to move into the house - you’ll never get rid of her. If you both agree to her living in a caravan buy her one off FB marketplace for a few grand and stick it in an uncomfortable corner, but once she’s in you’re never going to get rid. You’ll have the whole family down living with you in no time. Have you asked her how long she plans to stay? I’d keep asking that. Ultimately though, it’s a DH problem. He needs to manage his family’s expectations - but she should not be allowed to get too comfortable. Have you talked about her paying rent? If she’s expecting to live there for free she’ll never leave.

MissSookieStackhouse · 06/04/2025 22:50

If they want all these extra gates and fences for the horse and they’re redecorating a room, it sounds like she’s planning to move in permanently. No way does this sound like a short term stop gap. Is she planning to pay rent? Once she gets her feet under the table and her horse in the stable, you’ll never get rid of her. The in-laws will be down all the more to visit her. It would be a firm ‘no’ from me under these circumstances. YANBU.

Shinyandnew1 · 06/04/2025 22:51

My poor husband is run ragged

Sorry, but no.

Your 'poor' husband needs to man up and stop being such a pushover.

How many posts have there been just this weekend that could completely be solved by people just 'using their words'?!

Original poster
Sp3849 · 06/04/2025 23:03

Honestly after this weekend I can see he is regretting it. I honestly don't think he thought about it properly. He just thought she would come stay for a bit get on her feet spend some time with our daughter and her horse and taking her to competitions and stuff. Which would be lovely and then move into her own place when she is on her feet. But it's quite apparent that is not the case now. She has spent the day redesigning the barn and throwing demands around. I just don't think he has the guts to say no. He has loved having them in his life and spending time with them. He is terrified they will stop bothering again. I really don't think he thought it through. I sat him down this evening and was like what did you expect? Your sister even though she is a woman has never lived on her own. She is far from independent. She has never left home. Her mum dad and siblings are her world. Her mum still cooks for her and does her washing. She I more like a teenager than a woman. Her and her mum and sister are very dependant on each others company. So they will be down every weekend too. She doesn't have a job now. Who is going to pay for her food or her horses food and shoes etc. Oh and today we were told she is also bringing her dog so the whole thing is just escalating. With no plan. It's a train wreck in the making. I am really hoping he sleeps on it and realises what he has agreed too

OP posts:
MumChp · 06/04/2025 23:06

Sp3849 · 06/04/2025 23:03

Honestly after this weekend I can see he is regretting it. I honestly don't think he thought about it properly. He just thought she would come stay for a bit get on her feet spend some time with our daughter and her horse and taking her to competitions and stuff. Which would be lovely and then move into her own place when she is on her feet. But it's quite apparent that is not the case now. She has spent the day redesigning the barn and throwing demands around. I just don't think he has the guts to say no. He has loved having them in his life and spending time with them. He is terrified they will stop bothering again. I really don't think he thought it through. I sat him down this evening and was like what did you expect? Your sister even though she is a woman has never lived on her own. She is far from independent. She has never left home. Her mum dad and siblings are her world. Her mum still cooks for her and does her washing. She I more like a teenager than a woman. Her and her mum and sister are very dependant on each others company. So they will be down every weekend too. She doesn't have a job now. Who is going to pay for her food or her horses food and shoes etc. Oh and today we were told she is also bringing her dog so the whole thing is just escalating. With no plan. It's a train wreck in the making. I am really hoping he sleeps on it and realises what he has agreed too

Time to choose between sister and wife.

I would not put up with a sister moving in with a very fixed date for moving out.

Secondguess · 06/04/2025 23:09

This will only get worse if you let her move in - you are the frog in a pot of water and his family are turning up the gas already. He needs to tell her that while her staying in a caravan for a short while may have worked, it's clear that the things she now says she needs aren't possible and she'll need to make other plans (like stay with her parents).

You'll never get rid of her if you let her move in, she'll take all your time and money and possibly your relationship. It'll never be easier to get rid of her than now, before she moves in. It'll be much harder once she's there. Don't feel like you've changed your mind, you wouldn't have agreed to this if she'd been honest from the start, would you? Don't put her wants above your relationship.

Shinyandnew1 · 06/04/2025 23:09

Oh and today we were told she is also bringing her dog so the whole thing is just escalating.

If she has a dog, then surely this wasn't a massive surprise!?

Codlingmoths · 06/04/2025 23:11

Wow this is a problem. What can you handle? Her staying for a month? not at all? No visitors on a Sunday or at all every second week during this month , she can go back to her parents if she wants to see them?

Then I’d take the dc and leave and say tell me when you’ve told them, next weekend the lawyers come in.

actualy, perhaps tell him to leave and you tell the in laws you’ve separated at least temporarily, sil wont be able to live here, obviously all requests are on hold.

Codlingmoths · 06/04/2025 23:12

Codlingmoths · 06/04/2025 23:11

Wow this is a problem. What can you handle? Her staying for a month? not at all? No visitors on a Sunday or at all every second week during this month , she can go back to her parents if she wants to see them?

Then I’d take the dc and leave and say tell me when you’ve told them, next weekend the lawyers come in.

actualy, perhaps tell him to leave and you tell the in laws you’ve separated at least temporarily, sil wont be able to live here, obviously all requests are on hold.

He can come back after two weeks and you can set some family rules together.

Gcsunnyside23 · 06/04/2025 23:15

Wow I couldn't cope with all that. Im exhausted just reading it. This has disaster written all over it. I would use the dog as the excuse for this not happening

ReadingSoManyThreads · 06/04/2025 23:18

Oh goodness, I feel suffocated reading all of that. I think you just need to outright say to your DH that it's not happening. It has snowballed so hard it's now an avalanche and this is now too much. Tell him you feel used by his family and this is now ruining your dream home that you've both worked so hard for. Tell him that's it. I'd even tell him that you'd be happy to be the 'bad guy' to tell them yourself it's not happening, if that helps him at all.

But whatever happens, this CANNOT happen.

Original poster
Sp3849 · 06/04/2025 23:19

@Shinyandnew1 the dog is thier family dog. As in hers mums dad's and sisters living in Thier family home. The dog was always staying put but now sudden change of mind. Not to worried about the dog. More that they didn't ask.

OP posts:
Therealjudgejudy · 06/04/2025 23:20

No way would i be letting the sister move in after reading that.

Mochynpinc · 06/04/2025 23:21

If she moves in you’ll never get her out. She has no job so will you be funding all her food and expenses? Her horse? Her dog? This is insane. Is she paying nothing whatsoever? You need to put a stop to this. They’re redecorating your house for her??? This is actual madness.

FrippEnos · 06/04/2025 23:23

This has shit show written all over it.
It reads like she is moving in permanently.

At the very least you need to put a hold on this until you have some sort of time scale.

They are massively taking the piss.

miniaturepixieonacid · 06/04/2025 23:38

I don't get it - if his sister was living at home when she had a job, why has she chosen the time of losing her job to move out? Unless she knows she now needs more support than her parents can offer and intends to get that support for free from her far too nice, rich brother?!...

Hard to say no once these things start though, isn't it. I'd want to set a strict time limit but no idea how you'd enforce that. Otherwise, if you can easily afford it, maybe buy a caravan yourself, put in on your land and charge her a small amount of rent to live in it?

Nanny0gg · 06/04/2025 23:44

Sp3849 · 06/04/2025 23:03

Honestly after this weekend I can see he is regretting it. I honestly don't think he thought about it properly. He just thought she would come stay for a bit get on her feet spend some time with our daughter and her horse and taking her to competitions and stuff. Which would be lovely and then move into her own place when she is on her feet. But it's quite apparent that is not the case now. She has spent the day redesigning the barn and throwing demands around. I just don't think he has the guts to say no. He has loved having them in his life and spending time with them. He is terrified they will stop bothering again. I really don't think he thought it through. I sat him down this evening and was like what did you expect? Your sister even though she is a woman has never lived on her own. She is far from independent. She has never left home. Her mum dad and siblings are her world. Her mum still cooks for her and does her washing. She I more like a teenager than a woman. Her and her mum and sister are very dependant on each others company. So they will be down every weekend too. She doesn't have a job now. Who is going to pay for her food or her horses food and shoes etc. Oh and today we were told she is also bringing her dog so the whole thing is just escalating. With no plan. It's a train wreck in the making. I am really hoping he sleeps on it and realises what he has agreed too

Doesn't matter

You say no. And say it now

OldCottageGreenhouse · 06/04/2025 23:58

If you allow SIL to move in, that will pretty much guarantee the end of your marriage