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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be fed up with in laws here all the time and hubby moving his sister in?

738 replies

Sp3849 · 06/04/2025 22:25

So a few months ago we bought our dream home. With a bit of land for our horse mad daughter to finally have her horse. It's been years in the making and to achieve it We had to relocate our whole lives We have both worked our guts out over the years.

However, since moving in our in laws have been making alot of effort to come visit etc. Now bearing in mind we now live 3 hours away. When we lived in the same town as them for 15 years we only saw or spoke to them if we visited which was a few times a year. They never called to ask about our kids. They had no interest at all. No birthday wishes no visit at Christmas nothing from them at all. Never even phoned to see how they were. Once we moved to Thier favourite place to holiday they started to visit us. At first I didn't care. My husband was happy his parents where making an effort and my kids had grandparents that saw them.

However a few weeks ago my husband comes home from work and says his sister who is 30 has handed in her notice and is moving down our way. She asked if she can put a static caravan on our land. I had no issue with this. We talked about how it would be nice for our daughter to have her auntie who was a horse loving riding instructor and a career in horse health and welfare to hand and how she could have company hacking together etc.

Next thing he comes home and she is moving in our house as she can't afford a caravan. I am like ok well I don't mind helping her get on her feet but it's not forever.

The last three weeks have been hell and she hasn't even moved in yet. We only have a Sunday off work together. My husband is off on saturday too. His whole family have been here every weekend all weekend. Preparing and decorating the spare room. Moving all her horse stuff down. My poor husband is run ragged as they want extra fences gates and all these things in place for her horse. They haven't paid for a single thing or even offered they just expect it and he delivers. I feel so uncomfortable in my own home. I have one day off work and I can't catch up on housework or spend time with my children. I haven't barely seen my husband as he works long hours in the week. We both eat tea and it's time for bed. Sunday has always been our day. I have told him tonight that we need boundaries. His family only want to know now because of what we have. I am happy to help his sis but there needs to be a time limit and if his mum dad and other siblings think they can come here to stay every weekend too then I will end up moving out.

I have told him how I feel we have had a very large row. Apparently I am unreasonable. I just know this is not going to end well. They have done some truly horrible things over the years to him and I feel like we are being used for our house!

OP posts:
Thread gallery
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BeaAndBen · 07/04/2025 07:46

Shit, why doesn’t he just hand the whole house over to them while he’s at it!

I’m terribly sorry for your DH, to be so desperate for any attention from his family at all. But that’s something counselling can help with, not bending to outrageous CF demands from neglectful parents and entitled siblings.

His need to be acknowledged by them will cost him his marriage and his healthy relationship with his children if he’s not careful.

When his usefulness to them ends and they go back to ignoring him, what then?

SIL cannot move in, can ABSOLUTELY not bring the family dog (which is only to allow your in-laws to come to your home as often as they want without worrying about getting back to look after it) and the lot of them can stop being such users.

TammyJones · 07/04/2025 07:46

mainecooncatonahottinroof · 07/04/2025 01:03

There is NO WAY I would be letting that happen, not in a million years. You're mad if you do. It has disaster written all over it in luminous ink!

This.
she will NEVER leave …, and mil will be down EVERY weekend.
tell them the deals off…

Isthiswhatmenthink · 07/04/2025 07:49

This is unbelievable. Your husband is an utter fool.

These people will take over your house and you will be pushed aside as they dominate it more and more. Why on earth are you both allowing this to happen?

Livingbytheocean · 07/04/2025 07:50

This was their plan all along. The minute you announced it, hence the sudden interest.

Thoughtsonstuff · 07/04/2025 07:50

You could tell your SIL that money has got suddenly very tight due to the economy. And that you are happy for her to stay but you need a lodger that pays full rent and signs a contract agreeing to move out within a specific period.

This makes me feels claustrophobic already particularly if your DH's family are so dysfunctional. Little things would stress me such as the washing machine being full of her stuff all the time and you having to wait to do your stuff. It's fine if you love the person and they aren't an entitled twat but it doesn't sound like either of those apply.

saraclara · 07/04/2025 07:50

It's unheard of for me to tell anyone to get their DH or partner to read a thread about them. But in this case, I think it could be a good idea. He's clearly not seeing the reality of what's happening and how it could destroy your marriage and your futures.

Imbusytodaysorry · 07/04/2025 07:51

@Sp3849 Your dh needs to stand up as a father and husband and say no .
Id be putting a stop to the sister moving in .
Tell husband it’s your family home and the hanger one for can visit once a month when convenient .
cheeky fuckers

2catsandhappy · 07/04/2025 07:53

I see why the parents are so keen @Sp3849 !!
They want you to be responsible for their dd/horse/dog so they can get their life back.

This is a disaster. The longer you let these mad plans continue the more difficult to stop it.

Imbusytodaysorry · 07/04/2025 07:55

@Sp3849 doesn’t sound like the siste did planning on leaving . She lost her job not her family home. .
You have to decide whether to say it’s a caravan or nothing and agree a small time frame . ( with all the changes I doubt that will work ) she has her eye on what’s yours.

Or say now the idea isn’t going to work and that’s that .

Mumof2heroes · 07/04/2025 07:59

Have you got family OP? Maybe invite them all over every weekend, or start a commune and see what your DH thinks about that

Didshejustsaythatoutloud · 07/04/2025 08:00

MissSookieStackhouse · 06/04/2025 22:50

If they want all these extra gates and fences for the horse and they’re redecorating a room, it sounds like she’s planning to move in permanently. No way does this sound like a short term stop gap. Is she planning to pay rent? Once she gets her feet under the table and her horse in the stable, you’ll never get rid of her. The in-laws will be down all the more to visit her. It would be a firm ‘no’ from me under these circumstances. YANBU.

Yup

2021x · 07/04/2025 08:01

Oh man… this is going to be really rough for you.

She thinks she is moving in, you don’t want that. All the other stuff is just confusion!

Sit her down and tell her that she can only stay for 6 months and during that time you will be charging her market rate for her and her horses. Download a rental agreement and get it signed.

Also research how you can keep the property if case of divorce.

thepariscrimefiles · 07/04/2025 08:02

Sp3849 · 06/04/2025 23:03

Honestly after this weekend I can see he is regretting it. I honestly don't think he thought about it properly. He just thought she would come stay for a bit get on her feet spend some time with our daughter and her horse and taking her to competitions and stuff. Which would be lovely and then move into her own place when she is on her feet. But it's quite apparent that is not the case now. She has spent the day redesigning the barn and throwing demands around. I just don't think he has the guts to say no. He has loved having them in his life and spending time with them. He is terrified they will stop bothering again. I really don't think he thought it through. I sat him down this evening and was like what did you expect? Your sister even though she is a woman has never lived on her own. She is far from independent. She has never left home. Her mum dad and siblings are her world. Her mum still cooks for her and does her washing. She I more like a teenager than a woman. Her and her mum and sister are very dependant on each others company. So they will be down every weekend too. She doesn't have a job now. Who is going to pay for her food or her horses food and shoes etc. Oh and today we were told she is also bringing her dog so the whole thing is just escalating. With no plan. It's a train wreck in the making. I am really hoping he sleeps on it and realises what he has agreed too

So will you be expected to cook for her and do her washing or will your MIL come and do it at weekends?

Honestly, I'd tell your DH that he need to make a choice between you and his awful family. I presume that all the money your DH is spending is joint money? I can't believe that your in-laws haven't offered to pay for all the things that his sister is demanding. I know he is scared of ruining the relationship but he must know that they didn't bother with him before you bought this property?

Kindling1970 · 07/04/2025 08:03

You and your husband should watch con mum on Netflix. This is a less extreme version.

your SIL will never leave. She has quit her job and suddenly decided she wants to live in your area so she can sponge off you. Stop paying for new fences etc and tell her you can’t afford for her to bring her horse.

MellowPinkDeer · 07/04/2025 08:05

I find these types of family situations really hard to understand. I can’t imagine anyone in my family being so entitled and also I wouldn’t entertain this level of intrusion. Where are your boundaries ? ( all of you!) there is no way I’d be allowing all this stomping around all over my privacy and the home we’d worked hard for! Just say no, manage visits better by standing up for yourselves and prioritising yourselves. And no. She can’t move in, disaster waiting to happen.

Didshejustsaythatoutloud · 07/04/2025 08:06

Omg, noooooooooooo

Hdjdb42 · 07/04/2025 08:06

She's going to stay forever. You're never going to get rid of her. Honestly, it's okay to say, you've changed your mind. I'd say that, you found it too overwhelming having her live in the house. As you were told she'd be living in a static caravan. You'd like her to go back to her parents.

VaddaABeetch · 07/04/2025 08:15

If you let her move in one day soon you’ll walk into your own kitchen with mil & SIL sitting there. They’ll stop talking & stare at you. You’ll feel like an unwanted visitor in your own home that you paid for.

No discussion, debate or bargaining. Sister cannot move in & visits have to stop for the moment. You need time together as a family

Fioratourer · 07/04/2025 08:21

Your dh sounds scared of his own family has he ever had therapy. You can see what is going on, yes it is about lifestyle and you are funding it. I would use his sister moving in as an excuse to not have the rest of the family stay they can find somewhere local. Plus they can only come once a month etc, you need rules. ASAP I would be telling his sister the rules and that it’s not your job to fund her business. I wonder if she will still come. The bigger issue is if you say no dh keeps saying yes his family are going to come between you.

Iaintsadwhenugotobed · 07/04/2025 08:21

That sounds so rubbish. But whhyyyy have you let decorate the spare room!!? She’s obviously not going to leave anytime soon if she needed the place done to her taste. And fences etc really? That’s where you should have stepped in and said we don’t need xyz if you do u need it to sort it out yourself. I think you need to remind your husband all this time you’ve chosen him while they have not. Has dsil said when she intends to leave. How long is this arrangement for? Xx

Nanny0gg · 07/04/2025 08:26

Sp3849 · 07/04/2025 07:04

Well in the conversation we had last night I did tell him straight. Pointed out that they only want to know now for what we have. I did tell him this would end our marriage. We are far from rich. We have worked so hard and made alot of sacrifices for this my son included and it was all for our daughter. She has a learning difficulty and finds school extremely difficult even with one to one. She has a processing disorder and can't retain written information. Horses are her thing and we wanted to give her the opportunity and show her she can have her own business and work with horses and basically give her the foundation ls too do that. I know he is hoping his sister can help her, which she could and I was happy with the static idea. But obviously that takes time it needs planning a septic tank and water. I thought she would do that in timey in laws were supposed be funding it. My in laws two girls are there golden children. They are alot younger. My husband never had a good childhood he moved into a hostel at 17 to get out. They have been truly vile over the years. But any time they show him a shred of interest he clings to it. I get it. He just wants them to be his parents.

So what was the outcome of the conversation?

What are you going to do?

AnxietyJane · 07/04/2025 08:33

Hi OP, this is terrible. It sounds like your husband's family have seen an opportunity to have a free ride and moving the SIL, her horse and family dog in etc sounds like the in laws are potentially offloading costs onto you! I was wondering how the the SIL would pay for anything let alone a dog too! Dog food, vets bills, insurances for the horse, her own food! Your bills will go up too. Why would she ever leave if she can have all that for free.

You need to protect yourself here. A proper lodging agreement is needed if anyone moves anywhere and contract for keeping her horse/with all proper insurance's to protect yourself. It sounds like you're being pushed out of your own home that you've worked hard for.

I'd say you can't do it. You and your husband have created a lovely family life together. It's not worth letting a family who haven't cared take all that away from you both. Don't agree to it OP it sounds awful.

Moveoverdarlin · 07/04/2025 08:36

I would take your DH out of the equation for a minute and I’d ring your MIL. I’d ask her what the long term plan is. I’d say ‘Hi Sue, hope I’ve caught you at a good time, it’s really important I talk to you as I have real concerns about this new arrangement with Sarah moving in. I agreeed to a static caravan. She now has a bedroom in the house and is bringing her horse and YOUR dog. Currently how does Sarah pay for her own food? Do you still buy it and cook for her every night?what about the Horse food? I assume you pay for the dog I.e food, vets, etc, who is picking all this cost now because we just don’t have it!

I find it bloody laughable to be honest Sue, no one gave a shit about us before we lived here. We lived in the same town for 15 years and no one would ever visit. Now we see you all every weekend. Poor old Jack is frightened to say anything about any of this because he’s pleased you all seem to like him again, but I am concerned I’ve just inherited a 30 old child who has no means to pay her way, let alone that of her horse and dog. Jack and I have bust a gut to buy this place, we get Sundays off together and that’s it.

In your experience of caring for Sarah for the last 30 years will she do her own washing? Will she cook meals for us when we’ve been at work all day? Will she do school runs? Clean? Will she pay her fair share? How do you and Steve see this all working Sue, as I have concerns I’m going to caring for our own two children and now a horse mad woman child.

Thoughtsonstuff · 07/04/2025 08:43

Moveoverdarlin · 07/04/2025 08:36

I would take your DH out of the equation for a minute and I’d ring your MIL. I’d ask her what the long term plan is. I’d say ‘Hi Sue, hope I’ve caught you at a good time, it’s really important I talk to you as I have real concerns about this new arrangement with Sarah moving in. I agreeed to a static caravan. She now has a bedroom in the house and is bringing her horse and YOUR dog. Currently how does Sarah pay for her own food? Do you still buy it and cook for her every night?what about the Horse food? I assume you pay for the dog I.e food, vets, etc, who is picking all this cost now because we just don’t have it!

I find it bloody laughable to be honest Sue, no one gave a shit about us before we lived here. We lived in the same town for 15 years and no one would ever visit. Now we see you all every weekend. Poor old Jack is frightened to say anything about any of this because he’s pleased you all seem to like him again, but I am concerned I’ve just inherited a 30 old child who has no means to pay her way, let alone that of her horse and dog. Jack and I have bust a gut to buy this place, we get Sundays off together and that’s it.

In your experience of caring for Sarah for the last 30 years will she do her own washing? Will she cook meals for us when we’ve been at work all day? Will she do school runs? Clean? Will she pay her fair share? How do you and Steve see this all working Sue, as I have concerns I’m going to caring for our own two children and now a horse mad woman child.

Edited

I mean I wouldn't say that but when you put it like that, it's a shocker!!!

stonebrambleboy · 07/04/2025 08:46

I'm stressed out reading all this. Please OP come back and tell us you've put a stop to this.

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