To be fed up with in laws here all the time and hubby moving his sister in?

[Sp3849]

So a few months ago we bought our dream home. With a bit of land for our horse mad daughter to finally have her horse. It's been years in the making and to achieve it We had to relocate our whole lives We have both worked our guts out over the years.

However, since moving in our in laws have been making alot of effort to come visit etc. Now bearing in mind we now live 3 hours away. When we lived in the same town as them for 15 years we only saw or spoke to them if we visited which was a few times a year. They never called to ask about our kids. They had no interest at all. No birthday wishes no visit at Christmas nothing from them at all. Never even phoned to see how they were. Once we moved to Thier favourite place to holiday they started to visit us. At first I didn't care. My husband was happy his parents where making an effort and my kids had grandparents that saw them.

However a few weeks ago my husband comes home from work and says his sister who is 30 has handed in her notice and is moving down our way. She asked if she can put a static caravan on our land. I had no issue with this. We talked about how it would be nice for our daughter to have her auntie who was a horse loving riding instructor and a career in horse health and welfare to hand and how she could have company hacking together etc.

Next thing he comes home and she is moving in our house as she can't afford a caravan. I am like ok well I don't mind helping her get on her feet but it's not forever.

The last three weeks have been hell and she hasn't even moved in yet. We only have a Sunday off work together. My husband is off on saturday too. His whole family have been here every weekend all weekend. Preparing and decorating the spare room. Moving all her horse stuff down. My poor husband is run ragged as they want extra fences gates and all these things in place for her horse. They haven't paid for a single thing or even offered they just expect it and he delivers. I feel so uncomfortable in my own home. I have one day off work and I can't catch up on housework or spend time with my children. I haven't barely seen my husband as he works long hours in the week. We both eat tea and it's time for bed. Sunday has always been our day. I have told him tonight that we need boundaries. His family only want to know now because of what we have. I am happy to help his sis but there needs to be a time limit and if his mum dad and other siblings think they can come here to stay every weekend too then I will end up moving out.

I have told him how I feel we have had a very large row. Apparently I am unreasonable. I just know this is not going to end well. They have done some truly horrible things over the years to him and I feel like we are being used for our house!

This is batshit. They're destroying your family life.

The OP has posted for advice and opinions. Of course I'm happy to give advice based on my own opinion of what's happening 🤷.

I take an OPs posts at face value. I assume they're telling the truth of what they see happening around them. I've also met plenty of CFs and know how their minds work generally. I'm confident that I understand what's going on based on what OP has said. So I advised accordingly, and in line with my own beliefs.

I don't believe family should get any kind of free pass for shitty behaviour. I will always tell someone to remove themselves from a dysfunctional relationship because I know the harm dysfunctional relationships cause. In this case it's the in-laws who are dysfunctional. But if OPs DH sides with them over her, despite their totally unreasonable behaviour, then it's her marriage that's dysfunctional too.

If you find any of that surprising, ok 🤷, you feel and think whatever you feel and think.

I think Jaessa must be one of the in laws 😁

Work out your boundaries and get DH to put it in place. Tell them now that next weekend you're busy so no visitors. He needs to tell the sister that she needs a job before she moves in, as otherwise if she can't find one she will need to stay at home as she won't be able to afford the caravan.
If she gets a job I would allow her to stay whilst saving for the caravan, but visits from the family need to be to her if you're busy.
Get him to explain that he isn't having enough time with the DC and you, don't let him fob it off on you or it will damage relations and make the whole thing unmanageable.
Then from now on when you see them, get DH to arrange the next visit. So eg "we're busy the next 2 weekends but do you want to come down on date". If they just turn up then he needs to have a serious conversation about not doing it again and sticking to arranged dates.

I would give your DH an ultimatum here.

I would say firmly that no. His sister is not moving in. That he has until the end of the day to tell the family that, and if he doesn’t, then you will.

I wouldn’t be threatening divorce over this yet, I would be making him take action, and if not I’d be prepared to do so myself. And no, I wouldn’t give a shit about being the bad guy.

And now the in-laws' dog is coming, too! 😂 Sorry to laugh, I know it's not funny, but it does sound a bit like a comedy sketch to an outsider. I'm imagining them turning up with a row of ducks and a trombone, too!

My friend is going away for a few months so she's just leased her flat to a friend of hers. He's brought a piano and 400 books! 😂

God, people are really lacking in self-awareness. Your ILs might just be excited about the new set-up and their enthusiasm for making the three-hour trip might tone down, but the SIL's demands all sound rather 😱 Especially as she doesn't work. Yikes. That is really worrying. I think your husband should walk back his offer to her. While this will create huge ructions, there will be ructions anyway when you have to chuck her out, so what's the difference. Except you won't have to put up with her in your house for ages in the meantime.

You need to sit down with DH, discuss in detail what you are prepared to do for the sister, for how long and your expectations of her contribution towards her costs. Then get them all together and tell them that you appreciate their excitement over the new house and its location but it is YOUR home first and foremost and they are taking over and interfering to an unwelcome and inappropriate degree, not to mention spending money that isn't theirs. Sister cannot move in to the house long term, that was never agreed on. What are her plans? This is what we can do, these are the time limits and these are our expectations of you. (Being horsey perhaps she can find work in the area and learn to stand on her own two feet.) Your DH may have had waffly discussions with them which you aren't aware of, and which have led them to believe all this is fine with you both.

Your DH might be scared of losing them again but he cannot allow you both to be used and abused in this way by people who frankly are only in it for themselves.

I think it’s a mistake to let sister in law stay at all, but I’d she does rules include: she has a month before rent is due whether she’s working or not. If she buys another horse she is out. That day.

no, don’t, it’s just going to be shit. You’ll be cooking for her and doing her dishes! You’ll either be miserable for a year and then either blow up with your dh totally or divorce. Or you can blow up now stand your ground and work it out or divorce. I’d rather take the option that doesn’t make you miserable in your own house for an extended period of time. ‘Sorry, if she can’t get a caravan she can’t move, we didn’t plan this as a group home.’

I know you feel trapped or your husband feels he is too committed to back out but untill she actually moves in, it is not too late.

Reading your updates especially how she is still cooked for, the codependency, it will be the worse thing for you, DH and your child’s life to let her move in.

His sister is the golden child which means for your DH family, he only exists to ensure her golden life.

It seems scary and will take a lot from you but life with the sister living in your house is scarier. You need to make this your hill to die on or you might as well just burst your daughter’s dream and you both sell the house, go your separate ways without all the angst and strife that will preceed it, if the sister moves in.

Horses? Fences? Dog? Redecorating your spare bedroom?

They’re full on making it their house too and if I’m 100% sure you’ll be expected to also cook and clean after her.

Good luck, OP. This is divorce worthy if it keeps going.

You REALLY need to nip this in the bud.
If she moves in, you will be snookered and won’t ever get your home back.
Family meeting required. Change of plans. It’s NOT happening as it will disrupt family life too much and challenge your marriage.

OP, this has disaster written all over it. Quite apart from a non-working sister in law (how, pray, is she to finance her horse??), your house will be no longer your own, because even when you say to your DH, “We’ll have a quiet weekend this week”, she’ll invite round your in-laws who are her parents, and see nothing wrong in doing so. What exactly is the situation to be regarding other guests? Are you happy to have randomers coming and going in your own home because she’s decided to invite them? As others have said, it’ll be infinitely harder to get her out once she’s moved in, and the dog would be the last straw - she’s bringing the family dog because the family are intending to get their feet well and truly under the table. Don’t do it - it will be the end of your marriage if you do.

Sounds like your sister is getting her dream home/life without paying. Not a chance she will move out once her feet are under the table - if there wasn't really a relationship with them all before I wouldn't worry about causing offence by saying its not happening. Remember its you and your child's home too so not just up to your partner.

The parents want the freeloading sister out and you're their escape plan. She'll never leave, honestly I'd tell your DH I'd move out if she moves in and mean it, you'll never get rid of her. Why should she enjoy the fruits of your labour. I'll bet she doesn't plan on paying rent either.

Both you and your DH are passive passengers in your life.

You have time to put stop to it before she moves in.

A very calm and stern NO to it all. Your husband is the unreasonable one here . His sister a grown woman needs to sort her own accommodation out . Don't be bullied into this disastrous situation.

Well if she’s also moving her dog and horse in, you will never be able to get rid of her.

I bet the in-laws planned this and thought it was a good way to get rid of her themselves.

Tell your husband that your marriage won’t survive this.

She's moving in permanently,witb her menagerie. Your parents in law have seen an easy way to stop financially supporting their daughter as you will now do it....

The whole family are free loaders....

I can completely see that your OH is excited to have his neglectful family re-establish contact.

Sadly it's illusory... The moment you're not providing a free home /land for your pil to offload their daughter and funding it... Or if you suddenly decided to move elsewhere...

They'd disappear surely??

I'd want to protect my husband's emotional state by gently pointing this out. Horrid but true..
I mean what sort of people ignore their grandchildren living in the same town?? Ffs

Also to clarify... No way would I be letting this freeloader move in with menagerie...

What a nightmare! Just say no and don't be the one to leave if it all goes tit's up.

There’s no possible compromise with this one - the only answer is to put a complete stop to all the madness.

This self-interested, piss-taking, enmeshed family of codependents have decided they like the look of your house and are now installing their cuckoo. If she moves in for even one night it’ll no longer be your home and you will never get her (or them) out again.

Whilst I agree you have a DH problem, he’s been conditioned since childhood to go along with anything they want, so it’s unrealistic to expect him to undo a lifetime of psychological damage in an instant and suddenly step up and oppose them.

So unfortunately it’s all on you to be the bad guy, but don’t hesitate - your back is against the wall and you need to act now.

It’s your home. You have every right to protect it from what genuinely sounds like a hostile takeover. Tell them no.

This sounds like an absolute nightmare.

To be totally honest OP, it actually sound like the entire family are intending moving in with you.

First it's the sister, in a caravan.

Next it's the sister, who has now said she can't afford a caravan, so she'll move into your home.

Then it's the whole yard/fencing/stables etc that must be added/changed to suit the sister's horse.

Now it's the MIL & FIL visiting, without an invitation, for weekends whenever it suits them.

Now suddenly the 'family dog' is coming too, again without invitation.

Next, it's going to be FIL & MIL, without invitation, coming for 'long weekends' or 'holidays' with no going home date ever mentioned.....

They're moving in by stealth, just like a cocklodger ffs !

Unless you start laying down the law and saying 'NO', then be prepared to end up living in 'their house', as a bloody 'outsider' to the family.

And if your DH is happy for them to all be living together in 'family harmony', then you're fucked !

Op while this is awful you need to take a step back from people telling you your marriage is over he has to choose etc etc. That’s not real life if you were both thinking in the first place this wouldn’t be too bad. The in laws won’t be able to continue that journey every weekend, they’re just helping set up. You and dh sit them all down and ask how long exactly will she live there? Ask (remind!) about her finding a job and say ‘we’re just wondering because obviously this can’t be a long term thing’. It does sound great very very short term if she and her niece can spend horsey time together (I used to be a horsey mad teen!). Congratulations on the house!

She is going to live with you forever. And expect to be cooked for and have her laundry done for her, just as she's used to.

I can't say this strongly enough. If she moves in she will never move out. You are running out of time to say no. You need to do it now, or the new life that you placed is over, and so will your marriage be.