To be fed up with in laws here all the time and hubby moving his sister in?

[Sp3849]

So a few months ago we bought our dream home. With a bit of land for our horse mad daughter to finally have her horse. It's been years in the making and to achieve it We had to relocate our whole lives We have both worked our guts out over the years.

However, since moving in our in laws have been making alot of effort to come visit etc. Now bearing in mind we now live 3 hours away. When we lived in the same town as them for 15 years we only saw or spoke to them if we visited which was a few times a year. They never called to ask about our kids. They had no interest at all. No birthday wishes no visit at Christmas nothing from them at all. Never even phoned to see how they were. Once we moved to Thier favourite place to holiday they started to visit us. At first I didn't care. My husband was happy his parents where making an effort and my kids had grandparents that saw them.

However a few weeks ago my husband comes home from work and says his sister who is 30 has handed in her notice and is moving down our way. She asked if she can put a static caravan on our land. I had no issue with this. We talked about how it would be nice for our daughter to have her auntie who was a horse loving riding instructor and a career in horse health and welfare to hand and how she could have company hacking together etc.

Next thing he comes home and she is moving in our house as she can't afford a caravan. I am like ok well I don't mind helping her get on her feet but it's not forever.

The last three weeks have been hell and she hasn't even moved in yet. We only have a Sunday off work together. My husband is off on saturday too. His whole family have been here every weekend all weekend. Preparing and decorating the spare room. Moving all her horse stuff down. My poor husband is run ragged as they want extra fences gates and all these things in place for her horse. They haven't paid for a single thing or even offered they just expect it and he delivers. I feel so uncomfortable in my own home. I have one day off work and I can't catch up on housework or spend time with my children. I haven't barely seen my husband as he works long hours in the week. We both eat tea and it's time for bed. Sunday has always been our day. I have told him tonight that we need boundaries. His family only want to know now because of what we have. I am happy to help his sis but there needs to be a time limit and if his mum dad and other siblings think they can come here to stay every weekend too then I will end up moving out.

I have told him how I feel we have had a very large row. Apparently I am unreasonable. I just know this is not going to end well. They have done some truly horrible things over the years to him and I feel like we are being used for our house!

@Sp3849 This sounds like a disaster in the making OP and I'm so glad you've made your feelings clear to your DH before your SIL has moved in (although I think you should have put your foot down much earlier - decorating the spare room would never have happened if I'd been you as it's a huge red flag that SIL does not see her stay as temporary).
I totally understand the emotional pull your DH is feeling - now that he's finally getting the attention from his parents that he's craved for so long - BUT he needs to tap into his 17-year-old self and remember why he moved out so young. Nothing about his parents has changed and they're only interested in him now because, together, you have something they want. I'm sure the emotional instability they created in their son has made him go along with these ever-changing and increasingly demanding plans and now he'll find it extremely hard to rewind on everything he's "promised" (and no doubt this emotional conflict in him is what caused the row with you).
So, I hope when you discuss it again (today?) he has come to realise how much he's been manipulated by his family, how much you and he stand to lose, and that you end up on the same page so you can move forward as a united team. Clearly, a discussion between the two of you, SIL and PsIL needs to happen now, but I think you may have to step up to be the "bad guy" with his awful family and be the one to tell them it's not happening, as I fear your DH may struggle with this.
Good luck OP. 🤗

If your DH is too chicken to stand up and say no, then you are going to have to do it.

I would put it in writing so that there can be no doubt or misunderstanding.

You write a letter, and HE signs it - or you both do, along the lines of....

Dear Parents and Sister,
After long and careful consideration, we have concluded that we cannot have sister living with us. We know this is going to be a disappointment, but it is not why we moved here and not part of our plans as a family. Sister will have to make her own alternative arrangements.
Love
People Who Are Not Mugs

Keep it really simple so that there can be no counter arguments. This is YOUR HOME not theirs.

If SIL can’t afford a caravan how can she afford a horse. Who will be paying for the horses feed, vet bills, insurance etc.

So you saved all these years for a dream house? Now they all get to play in it. Been there, done that. We bought a large country property and ended up with two unpaying lodgers. One family, one my husband's best friend. Every weekend we had house guests from London. We had a housekeeper and laundry room to keep up with the beds.
Your daughter will be looking forward to her new life, don't let this immature sister spoil it. She needs to be paying rent (bed and board is £400 pm for adult DC).
I'd be tempted to pick up a copy of horse and hound and see who has a caravan to sell. They almost give them away. Site it well away from you.

Your sil will be able to apply for some benefits however if she's not intending to work what is she living on?

Fwiw we could buy a large house again this year but I'm not doing that.
We are early 60s so we're going for a three bed cottage. It's our retirement and there won't be a lot of space for house guests! 😄
Family always think they're entitled, mine still do but it's my nieces and nephews now.

The sister is obviously moving in by stealth, originally it was a caravan on your land, now it's you spare room and she's bringing her dog!
So you've got to move it back to the original temporary arrangement before she moves in.
Make it clear what the terms are of this temporary arrangement by writing them down and her agreeing before she moves in.

1. She buys her own food.
2. She contributes £xx to her share of the bills.
3. Dog not allowed upstairs.
4. The arrangement will come to an end on X date, as you have your relatives staying in the spare room for a visit.

Etc Make it clear it's TEMPORARY and she will be expected to pay her way. If she's not happy, sadly you'll have to say no. She's expecting to stay for free and expects you to pay her bills I should imagine.

So you were happy with the SIL when you thought she was living in a tin can acres away from the home, but could teach your kid to ride and help out with horses, and drive her to shows? Yes his family are entitled, but so are you. It sounds like you are now sour you haven’t landed the unpaid groom and nanny you were expecting.

Your poor DH, left home at 17 and desperate for his family to love him. You need him to see the truth, this is ALL about his Sister, she won't pay her way, you'll be expected to look after her and because she's the golden child you'll be hosting his parents all the time, in time they'll probably try to move in too.
They ignored your family when you had nothing they wanted, even their disabled DGC didn't merit a vist, now you'll never get rid of them. This is the hill I would die on @Sp3849, they still don't love him and they will ruin your home and your marriage. He needs to find his anger and kick their free loading arses off your land

^^ I highly recommend that you don't do this. The sister clearly doesn't understand boundaries and any attempts you make at creating them will be broken for sure.

The only way to handle this is to make it stop before she sets a single foot in your house.

You will have to throw the grenade then stick to your guns when they all kick off.

We did not buy this house in order to facilitate a new life for sister. We did not buy this house so that you could all use it as a free hotel. We bought this house for US. Not you.

With any luck it will cause such an almighty fall out that you'll never have to see any of them again. Win win!

(I meant the Fluffyholes post)

No is one sentence. Please do not do it, stand your ground and change your mind now. Cheeky fuckers of the worst kind

However desperate for his family's attention, your DH has no right to be putting this kind of pressure on you. He has a wife and children to think about. And the house is yours too so no it's not a single person's decision to be moving in a freeloading sister (and essentially her parents every weekend!).
OP you need to take immediate action yourself, send a text today in the family chat telling them straight "I have been pressured over this, but actually given the circumstances I am no longer happy to have SIL here. She can remain with parents or find elsewhere, but I will not agree for her to live here, sorry. We also need some peace and quiet at the weekend as we work extremely hard and need our downtime, guests are welcome but we can't accommodate every weekend"
Then leave them to it. Your DH might kick up a fuss but this is a joint decision and there are red flags all over the place - if one of you is uncomfortable with the arrangement, it should not be going through.

This sounds awful OP. The sister won’t be going anywhere.

Put a stop to it now!!!

Your mistake was agreeing for your in-laws to fund any of it.

This was clearly planned between your DH and his family.

You're just catching up

Time to choose between sister and wife.

My DH never dares say no to his sister. I do wonder, if push really came to shove, what would happen. So many men would rather sacrifice their marriages than stand up to female relatives

After reading your update I don’t think your husband had the strength to stand up to them. They sound horrible and I don’t think sil will support your dd. I think you need to be the bad guy in this situation. Tell them it’s not going to work and helpfully suggest that if she wants to move out of the family home she moves into a hostel like your DH did. Also get some counselling for DH

This - they can only take advantage if you let them.

Fill up the spare room with stuff, invite a friend who needs to stay there before she moves in (get a friend to say they need to stay for some reason or other)

OP, meant kindly but you have to stop this shit in its tracks. You seem to be trying to mitigate the effects of your SIL moving in instead of being FURIOUS at being exploited by people who were vile to your husband growing up. Your husband has been profoundly damaged by his parents and needs long-term counselling . It is heartbreaking to read about his desperation to be valued.

So, the onus is on YOU to put your foot down very firmly.
This means you say NO to having his sister living with you in any way, shape or form. No,no,no. You are allowed to change your mind especially when she has changed hers several times. You do not want a stonking great cuckoo in your home!

Also TELL his parents that you are not hosting guests for the next 3/4/5 months as you need to prioritise your family life in a new area. Remember they could not be bothered with you in your previous home. So, NO visits until you invite them.

Practise, practise, practise your broken record replies :
No, that doesn't work for us.
We have changed our mind.
No, we'll let you know when we are up for visitors again etc

Low to no contact is the way forward after the initial blow-up when SIL gets told you will not be letting her stay. Manage your phone and media so you cannot be at their beck and call. Get a door camera so they cannot ambush you by turning up out of the blue to coerce you.

I whole- heartedly wish you all the best going forward. This situation could be a marriage- breaker but I hope your inner Warrior Woman triumphs!!

Oh OP, I don't feel for you. I can see where you and husband are coming from (with regards to his sis supporting your DD short-term & his difficult childhood which is making him want to cling onto his parents)- it's a very difficult situation.
Im glad that your DH can now see that perhaps he hadn't thought it through. Yes, you should take to DH again and then with the in-laws+ siblings and explain you hadn't thought it through and as much as you love them living together doesn't work for you.
Good luck.

I very much suspect it's been agreed the sister is going to run the horse aspect for the DD in return for board and lodging. I also think this was done quite some time ago. Certainly before the sisters notice went in.

Both his and his families actions totally sense if this was the case

He just hasn't broke it to his wife yet.

His family might not even know she doesn't know, especially given she raised no objection to the room redecoration.

I suspect this is a DH problem not actually an in laws issue

I feel for you mate. We live in the south of italy, and if we weren't straight up rude about it, we'd be a year round holiday home for extended family. Often, people are cheeky beggers because they don't have the emotional intellegence to know that they are being inappropriate. Don't expect subtle to work. Be direct, rude if necessarry.

If you let the sister move in and let the in laws continue to visit every weekend, you can guarantees that it will be the end of the marriage.

From your description, it sounds as if your poor husband was the scapegoat in the family growing up (see narcissistic families or the stately homes thread on here) and that he is desperate for their time and affection as he received none growing up. He thinks that running around after them and doing their bidding will make them love him. It won't.
The sister, meanwhile has grown into a spoiled, demanding brat who expects everyone to run around after her and will never be grateful. Given that none of them showed any interest before your move, despite you being close by, the chances that they are suddenly genuinely interested in you all are nil. You need to keep telling him this repeatedly. He needs to seek counselling to help with his traumatic childhood.

I would give your DH an ultimatum here.
I would say firmly that no. His sister is not moving in. That he has until the end of the day to tell the family that, and if he doesn’t, then you will.

This. You don't need your DH's permission to put a stop to all this. You can politely say it isn't going to work. And then I'm sure there will be unpleasant ructions for months on end, if not more, but it will probably save your marriage.

How awful for you! Your DH needs to grow a pair pdq and put his marriage and immediate family first. Keep putting your foot down, be strong, don’t give in.

100% No. She can't move in. Not even with a caravan.
I would die on this hill as well.

I would sit your husband again down today and tell him there is no more time to 'rethink'. The thinking time is done. You're done. This will not be happening. And if he can't say no without support, you will support the no.

I would also make it an ultimatum: The NO is delivered immediately, the madness stops, or the marriage is over. The house is your home, too. And you don't want them there taking over. The house is unaffordable without both of you anyway. So if he can't say no, you're done, the house is sold, good luck to him with his family.

You do not want to spend the rest of your life serving his family. They will take over your home, your finances, your space and your peace ... for your SIL.