To be fed up with in laws here all the time and hubby moving his sister in?

[Sp3849]

So a few months ago we bought our dream home. With a bit of land for our horse mad daughter to finally have her horse. It's been years in the making and to achieve it We had to relocate our whole lives We have both worked our guts out over the years.

However, since moving in our in laws have been making alot of effort to come visit etc. Now bearing in mind we now live 3 hours away. When we lived in the same town as them for 15 years we only saw or spoke to them if we visited which was a few times a year. They never called to ask about our kids. They had no interest at all. No birthday wishes no visit at Christmas nothing from them at all. Never even phoned to see how they were. Once we moved to Thier favourite place to holiday they started to visit us. At first I didn't care. My husband was happy his parents where making an effort and my kids had grandparents that saw them.

However a few weeks ago my husband comes home from work and says his sister who is 30 has handed in her notice and is moving down our way. She asked if she can put a static caravan on our land. I had no issue with this. We talked about how it would be nice for our daughter to have her auntie who was a horse loving riding instructor and a career in horse health and welfare to hand and how she could have company hacking together etc.

Next thing he comes home and she is moving in our house as she can't afford a caravan. I am like ok well I don't mind helping her get on her feet but it's not forever.

The last three weeks have been hell and she hasn't even moved in yet. We only have a Sunday off work together. My husband is off on saturday too. His whole family have been here every weekend all weekend. Preparing and decorating the spare room. Moving all her horse stuff down. My poor husband is run ragged as they want extra fences gates and all these things in place for her horse. They haven't paid for a single thing or even offered they just expect it and he delivers. I feel so uncomfortable in my own home. I have one day off work and I can't catch up on housework or spend time with my children. I haven't barely seen my husband as he works long hours in the week. We both eat tea and it's time for bed. Sunday has always been our day. I have told him tonight that we need boundaries. His family only want to know now because of what we have. I am happy to help his sis but there needs to be a time limit and if his mum dad and other siblings think they can come here to stay every weekend too then I will end up moving out.

I have told him how I feel we have had a very large row. Apparently I am unreasonable. I just know this is not going to end well. They have done some truly horrible things over the years to him and I feel like we are being used for our house!

OP if SIL ever wants help to escape the family clutches, a charity like Women's Aid will help her. The knowledge around abusive relationships, confidence boosting groups and courses they run, knowledge of housing options and help to make a plan to leave and to obtain mental health help, is what she needs.

Not you giving her a place to stay where the abusers (her parents etc) know where she is and can/will show up at her door.

I think she's a long way off wanting out at the moment though and although it's not anybody's place to diagnose someone over the internet, with the life she's had and the fact she's never left it all through her formative years until now (when she's well into adulthood and established in who she is), the chances that her permanent anxiety is as a result not just of trauma but of some kind of personality disorder too is IMO a reasonable guess. And if so, she's going to need a lot more than a little bit of love and kindness and roof over her head to "fix" her/her situation.

Living permanently in a caravan parked up on someone else's land for the rest of their days is no life for someone either. She's not a traveller with access to designated sites, a community support system and family network for whom it's a way of life. Better that she gets some kind of help to obtain some kind of ordinary sensible living arrangement, if she ever wants to leave her family's clutches.

You've already got a SN DC and a DH with trauma, so if you want to support SIL you'd be better off for your own family to be doing it from afar and not from the room next door.

Read up on FOG OP.

Fear, obligation and guilt.
Your husband had 17 years of being indoctrinated by them.

Educate yourself and him on this.
It might help you both understand how he is so susceptible to his family.

Women's aid can help his sister should she need it.
Not you.
Your loyalty is to your children.

About FOG - fear, obligation and guilt:

outofthefog.website/toolbox-1/2015/11/17/fog-fear-obligation-guilt

I am a wheelchair user. I am not bound to a wheelchair, just occasionally when my legs stop working with the neurological disease I have had for a long time.

I have never said as much before. When this thread picked up on SIL moving in, it rang warning bells. This year I have been researching the rules for a carer to move into the house when needed or not even when needed, as a lodger.

It took me ages to contact the house insurers, the mortgage lender, and others. I had no idea how difficult it was. I cannot afford the £800-£1000 cost of having an agency send someone, and that on the top of full board. I could manage - just - to have someone living free in the house and pursue other employment.

When I went into the matter. Like every poster on here who has told me I am wrong, I thought it OK. However, the responses from the house insurers and the mortgage lender made me realise that a lodger was not so easy to get rid of as I thought.

When I read this thread, I could see that if the SIL moved into the property it will not be plain sailing. Also, having once kept ponies, I know how very difficult it is for someone with a horse to find lodgings for both, and instantly recognised a situation where the OP could end up in purgatory for life. Posters on here can research how rare stabling is.

Also, if the SIL is on benefits, because she would be living with relatives, she would forfeit some benefit, and the OP would have to shell out for food etc., not just for the SIL, but also for the horse.

Then look at the house insurance. Already high, because they have a horse themselves, the cost of the insurance will hit the roof, because liability insurance is very high, and accidents with animals very common. If the SIL had any sort of accident on the property, chances are she will end up owning the house if the insurance don't know she is there, with her own horse. When you have a smallholding and keep animals, there are all sorts of places where accidents can happen, and although you can teach your children to be careful, an adult like a SIL would not be so easy to teach.

As soon as you add other dimensions to a house policy, without informing the insurers, your property is no longer covered until you put it right. I learned that when a spare key the locksmith sent was lost in the post, and my house insurers gave me just a few days to have a new lock put in the door.

I have know similar people who have been threatened with mortgage lenders calling in the loan.

My reason for all the posts was to give the OP the ammunition to justify her refusing to let the SIL move in. It was intended to be a comfort, and a just argument for her refusing, because time and again the matter was eased, only for the in-laws to start putting on the pressure again.

YET, EVERY TIME I HAVE TRIED TO POINT THIS OUT ON THE THREAD there are people who say I have it wrong. I had no intention of introducing something irrelevant into the thread. The points I have made give the OP a defence. When posters rubbish my information, it serves to take away the reasons against having a lodger.

If those posters keep insisting a lodger is easy to get rid of if they refuse to leave, it makes the OP think that she can get rid of SIL without any problem. She cannot, because the rights of lodgers in an age when housing is in such short supply are constantly being updated. Homeless charities are, I think, winning that battle.

I can type, because a surgeon gave me back the use of my hands, but speech is difficult. How long, I don't know, but as my sight is deteriorating you don't have to put up with me and my ''RIDICULOUS IDEAS'' do you?

I hope the OP can avoid the catastrophe of SIL bullying her way in. I hope the OP can afford the extra insurance she will pay and that the mortgage lender, if she has one, will not foreclose on the property if she listens to the posters on here who say she doesn't have to.

I have always said 'consult a lawyer', and only given advice from experience. My late husband was a vicar. I know how difficult life is for some people. I try to see two sides of a coin. I would never be so disrespectful to posters who don't care for anyone's feelings.

Why do you ''sincerely hope it won't happen now''?

According to you, lodgers have no rights and you can get rid whenever, without any difficulty. So why not let it happen?

I'm glad to hear that your DH is a bit more clear-sighted about everything today @Sp3849.

What a mess. Hopefully with a strong, supportive wife like you by his side, he will be able to access therapy and learn how to deal with his trauma going forward. Would some sort of restraining order (sorry, not familiar with these things) be appropriate? They are never going to let him go easily and he needs to be protected from them.

TG you didn't let SIL move in - and don't ever change your mind! It would ruin all of your lives. As someone already mentioned, Women's Aid would be a good call for her, but she has to take that step; your DH can't do that for her.

Very best wishes going forward x

He has no hope of saving his sister until he has saved himself.

He also has his own children to protect from his parents & siblings.

Why do you ''sincerely hope it won't happen now''?
According to you, lodgers have no rights and you can get rid whenever, without any difficulty. So why not let it happen?

Because whether or not the sister is turfed out isn't solely up to the OP. She needs DH on board too. The latest update suggests he's done another U turn and now is not considering letting DSis move in. But if, under pressure from sister and parents, he turns again OP could still find herself with an unwanted lodger and a DH who won't support her to get rid.

Well shame on homeless charity’s trying to update lodgers rights ( which are pretty much 0 at the moment )

if a homeowner has to give a lodger the same rights as a tenant renting a HMO / flat share I would say pretty much all live in landlords would no longer take in lodgers if the law was changed to enable lodgers the same / similar rights as a Tennant . I mean why would you rent a “room” in your home if you can’t get rid of them when they break the rules / become asshols and have to take them to court and get baliffs in to remove them

getting rid of lodgers means even more homeless people as live in landlords won’t take that risk so more homeless people

my sons present lodger is a professional man 35 years old buying his first home
he didn’t want a AST / tennants contract as his build date isn’t confirmed and keeps changing - he needs the flexibility to move short notice and not be tied into a 12 month contract

lodgers if paying undef 625 a month im pretty sure the landlord doesn’t even have to declare this as it’s tax free whereas if it was a Tennant in a house with a AST all the rent is taxable

I think what may have happened regarding OPS husband being sucked in again by his toxic biological family is , that they always treated him badly the years growing up ,
now here they are appearing to have done a 360 , the family he always wanted ..
He’s looking at them through rose tinted glasses…

I’m guessing their plan was that as soon as the sister moved in with her horse etc they’d pretty much be around all the time to as her ‘guests’ and probably end up practically moving themselves in too.

The point is, that there is information that can be used to support the OP in her problem with her in-laws.

The posters opposed to my reasons why the SIL should not move in obviously know nothing about the cost of livery. It is far higher than a lodger's rent, and who can put a new lock on the stable door and evict the horse?

The OP should at least be looking around to see if there is ANY possibility SIL can keep her horse in. If there is no stabling for miles around, it will be clear that the SIL will be there for good.

It doesn't matter if I am right or wrong, but what does matter is that is that the OP wants reasons to prevent her husband moving his DS and horse into the family home, and each time I give her a way to argue against that, posters on here contradict me, and - in effect - tell the OP that she can take in SIL as a lodger, because it is dead easy to get rid of her - and presumably the horse, regardless of the cost of both, the increased insurance, and the threat of foreclosure, which in my experience, cannot happen.

That is cruel and heartless, because it sides with the SIL

One of my carers denied sneaking a partner upstairs, so I added another camera view of the staircase to my CCTV system.

That is what the OP should do before she lets anyone in.