To be fed up with in laws here all the time and hubby moving his sister in?

[Sp3849]

So a few months ago we bought our dream home. With a bit of land for our horse mad daughter to finally have her horse. It's been years in the making and to achieve it We had to relocate our whole lives We have both worked our guts out over the years.

However, since moving in our in laws have been making alot of effort to come visit etc. Now bearing in mind we now live 3 hours away. When we lived in the same town as them for 15 years we only saw or spoke to them if we visited which was a few times a year. They never called to ask about our kids. They had no interest at all. No birthday wishes no visit at Christmas nothing from them at all. Never even phoned to see how they were. Once we moved to Thier favourite place to holiday they started to visit us. At first I didn't care. My husband was happy his parents where making an effort and my kids had grandparents that saw them.

However a few weeks ago my husband comes home from work and says his sister who is 30 has handed in her notice and is moving down our way. She asked if she can put a static caravan on our land. I had no issue with this. We talked about how it would be nice for our daughter to have her auntie who was a horse loving riding instructor and a career in horse health and welfare to hand and how she could have company hacking together etc.

Next thing he comes home and she is moving in our house as she can't afford a caravan. I am like ok well I don't mind helping her get on her feet but it's not forever.

The last three weeks have been hell and she hasn't even moved in yet. We only have a Sunday off work together. My husband is off on saturday too. His whole family have been here every weekend all weekend. Preparing and decorating the spare room. Moving all her horse stuff down. My poor husband is run ragged as they want extra fences gates and all these things in place for her horse. They haven't paid for a single thing or even offered they just expect it and he delivers. I feel so uncomfortable in my own home. I have one day off work and I can't catch up on housework or spend time with my children. I haven't barely seen my husband as he works long hours in the week. We both eat tea and it's time for bed. Sunday has always been our day. I have told him tonight that we need boundaries. His family only want to know now because of what we have. I am happy to help his sis but there needs to be a time limit and if his mum dad and other siblings think they can come here to stay every weekend too then I will end up moving out.

I have told him how I feel we have had a very large row. Apparently I am unreasonable. I just know this is not going to end well. They have done some truly horrible things over the years to him and I feel like we are being used for our house!

@Sp3849Why are you waiting for your DH to change his mind? Why does you not wanting it, matter at all???

You don't need your husband's consent or permission to make your own boundaries. It's your house too, and if you don't want her there (and believe me, this will not end well), then you need to put your foot down now and stop it.
Yes, they'll all hate you, but they're users and you know it.
Your marriage will not survive the constant encroachment by your in-laws - best get it sorted now.

If she is not independent, then you just got yourself an extra child at home! You will be doing the cooking and expected to clean her underwear too!! I don’t understand why you are not putting your foot down and speaking to her directly and asking her, what’s your plan? what type of rental she is looking for (a shared accommodation, flat..) How long she is planning on staying?
When it comes to the in-laws, when they make it known they are coming over, tell them you have plans! especially on Sundays..
but honestly, if you guys don’t regain the control and put boundaries in place, this is heading towards a disaster!

A lot of the responses here read like they never had a family, or find it easy to cut off the most important people in their lives

At this point I would either back out or set some very girm ground rules.

How much is she paying towards bills?
Is she planning on running a horse business from your property ? (Do not let this happen)
What is the max amount of time your willing to let her live with you?
Will she be doing her own cleaning, washing etc
Say no to the dog - this will make it harder for her ro love out!
In laws - tell them we love seeing you but we can't do every weekend!

The more I think about this the more I would just say no and if DH was insistent I would start divorce proceedings as I would not want my dream home and life ruined by this

Seriously what is she planning on living off income wise? If she is coming I'd draw up a six month tenancy with a charge for rent towards utilities, she pays for her own food, she pays for her own horse. If family are visiting they can only come 1 weekend a month. And no dog!

You tell her the six month is to get established in the area, but she must be actively seeking alternative accommodation and a job. She will not be able to continue living at yours past that point.

Set a time limit or she will never leave.

Also make it clear she has to pay for her own horse otherwise you will be on the hook for everything including vet fees

You need to get it all nailed down before she arrives. Otherwise she'll turn it into a "Oh, I thought everything was for free? And you were helping me out blah, blah".

If she doesn't like the terms offered then she can always decline to move.

Omg, I would grab your suitcases and start packing.

She's moving in permanently.

Not even that! Nobody there is going to be shagging her.

You may as well have ten tons of rows OP. The alternative is divorce anyway. So you may as well thrash it out until either he sees sense or you divorce.

Static caravan would need planning consent. If she's moving a horse in that's less land for your own horses. If she's wanting fields and fences this isn't temporary for s few weeks, she's planning on moving in permanently. Utter piss-taking cow.

PIL need to fuck off. They're using you. One weekend per season is more than enough, especially considering they're not coming to see you all, they're coming for a holiday and using your home as a free hotel. They'll be wanting to move in next.

If DH won't see sense, divorce, take your half of things and start over. Don't let them move in though, you'll have issues of them refusing to leave and sabotaging sale of property etc. Sad if it comes to that but you'll only be back to square one, minus a man that doesn't have your back and his awful family baggage gone from your life.

Have as many rows with all of them as you need to keep them all away. Now isn't the time for being polite, your marriage and everything you've worked for is at stake.

If any tradies have been booked to come in and bow to sils whims you can cancel them now op. Doesn’t matter if dh booked them, if you say you aren’t doing the work and won’t be paying then they will run a mile.

There is NO WAY I would be letting that happen, not in a million years. You're mad if you do. It has disaster written all over it in luminous ink!

The most important people in your life shouldn't be a bunch of arseholes. The fact you share DNA doesn't come into it. These people were barely in their lives until they decided to all basically move into and leech off OPs new home. Cutting them out is barely any loss, other than the loss of the illusion that his family GAF about him, which will admittedly be a bitter pill for DH to swallow.

OP make sure she pays a hefty rate for livery for the horse too, not just rent for herself, if she comes at all (I'd refuse point blank, it's the thin end of a huge disastrous wedge). You need more land than you think for horses. She won't GAF about trashing your land because it isn't hers, she's not going to limit turnout to prevent that, she'll turn out at a timescale that's most convenient for her. Her horse(s) taking up space will mean you'll be limiting turnout for your own horse(s) in order not to trash the fields you're using, so needing more hay and bedding and having more work to do. The fee for her horse needs to take into account the land getting trashed and needing extensive expensive repair work once she's gone, the extra workload from your own horse(s) being stabled more and the extra costs you'll face resulting from that. On top of that she obviously needs to pay all her own hay/feed/bedding/ farrier/vet/equipment etc. She won't be expecting this, she's thinking she can bring her horse for free and save some cash. Instead you'll realistically need to charge way more than the usual rate for DIY livery in order not to be out of pocket at the end of all this. Without a job, she'll struggle to pay, UC isn't that much money and IDK if she'll even be eligible if she's voluntarily quit her job.

I see a strong conviction in your words, but I guess neither of us are there to know the full extend of the story. I'm surprised you can go tell a stranger what to do with their family this easily.

The dog is moving too so that everyone can keep spending all their time at / near yours without upsetting it by travelling often- it’s for convenience.

I am thinking you’ve moved somewhere pretty? Fields or natural lands / beaches nearby. The selfish in laws want some of the luxury now.

be careful it sounds like SIL will be expectIng you and DH to continue paying for her lifestyle- you need to see this will be like having a third kid.

once she’s in you have no way of making her leave without a big fall out by the sounds of it. Ask for ££ for rent/ bills/ food before she moves in to cover costs- or her parents can pay- Charge the going rate. Money at the start of the month then when she can’t afford it you have a reason to kick her out.

think of it like this. You have worked your asses off for years to provide for your kids and in laws. While you continue to work your ass off, they’re enjoying dossing in your home, treating it as a holiday rental.

im guessing they’ve always walked over DH?

I would divorce before I let this happen. Them only visiting because they like the area would be enough CF behaviour but moving in?!!
You will be supporting her for years to come. And they all outnumber you so you getting your way in your own home will be unlikely especially as your DH sounds like such a wet lettuce.

You have to stop saying you're not worried about or don't really mind too much with each escalation!
The dog is a massive escalation and yes it's bad they didn't ask but even if they did, the answer should be a resounding no.

They obviously see you both as a soft touch.

They are users, that's all it is. It's not about having a relationship but all about how they can benefit from your property.

The sooner your DH sees this the better.

Can I remind you what the op said about these important people in their lives

When we lived in the same town as them for 15 years we only saw or spoke to them if we visited which was a few times a year. They never called to ask about our kids. They had no interest at all. No birthday wishes no visit at Christmas nothing from them at all. Never even phoned to see how they were. Once we moved to Thier favourite place to holiday they started to visit us. @Sp3849

These people have only started being involved in the op and her DH lives because they saw what they could get out of them for themselves.

Oh, see the problem is that you moved onto a property that can house horses when you have a relative with horses. Which naturally means that she’ll want to take advantage of you to get free accommodation for her horse. I’ve dealt with this. The answer is no horses other than your own on the property.

If you let her bring hers she’ll never take it away again, just so you know. There will be excuse after excuse about why it has to stay. And she’ll get at least one more, or several more if she can afford it. Your husband being a pushover has given her the green light and she’s already started with the demands to change/upgrade the facilities.

You need to mind the dog op. It is totally irrelevant if you adore the dog- you still need to say No Dog. no one is moving in with us. We are not renovating our barn to your specs. No more decorating OUR house. No visitors at all this weekend, NOONE. we had no idea you loved us so much, perhaps we should move back to <original village>

Oh dear, SiL has always been looked after by her parents and their idea of her gaining her independence is that she lives with you ...... Forever ......

Oh gosh, sounds very stressful for you. Absolutely taking the mick so they are, and your husband has let them.
I think it's sad he wants his parents to be interested and has let his own family resources (money, home, land, time) be so easily used for the sister and these long visits from parents. His own family seems to matter very little. He has put his sister and parents first.

Yes this is a DH problem.

Im guessing it's a big/fancy property and they're treating you like you have both won the lottery. Using you both for their own personal gain, and DH has let them.

I'm sorry your going through this. It sounds insane and very stressful for you.

DH is going to have to choose, put his own family relationship at risk or put his parents/sister relationship at risk? What's more important to him? Yes it's not fair they have made things difficult, I get that, but because of their actions he now needs to choose.

Bloody hell

its not too late to say no

its never too late to say no

I feel claustrophobic, anxious etc just thinking about it

you have to tell her no

it’s your bloody house and she’s running rings around you because of the free land she has access to for her horse etc

One thing nobody has mentioned yet is what if the sister gets into the habit of having friends round, taking up the communal areas? Or a partner who stays over a lot? This is yet another reason why this could be a disaster.
My thinking is that, if the parents and sister were happy with so little contact and showed so little interest before the move, they have no right to expect so much from the OP and her DH now. I realise they probably can’t put it quite that bluntly but “FAMERLEE!” cuts both ways!

Just say no
Grow a spine, say no

I mean come on, wtf