To be fed up with in laws here all the time and hubby moving his sister in?

[Sp3849]

So a few months ago we bought our dream home. With a bit of land for our horse mad daughter to finally have her horse. It's been years in the making and to achieve it We had to relocate our whole lives We have both worked our guts out over the years.

However, since moving in our in laws have been making alot of effort to come visit etc. Now bearing in mind we now live 3 hours away. When we lived in the same town as them for 15 years we only saw or spoke to them if we visited which was a few times a year. They never called to ask about our kids. They had no interest at all. No birthday wishes no visit at Christmas nothing from them at all. Never even phoned to see how they were. Once we moved to Thier favourite place to holiday they started to visit us. At first I didn't care. My husband was happy his parents where making an effort and my kids had grandparents that saw them.

However a few weeks ago my husband comes home from work and says his sister who is 30 has handed in her notice and is moving down our way. She asked if she can put a static caravan on our land. I had no issue with this. We talked about how it would be nice for our daughter to have her auntie who was a horse loving riding instructor and a career in horse health and welfare to hand and how she could have company hacking together etc.

Next thing he comes home and she is moving in our house as she can't afford a caravan. I am like ok well I don't mind helping her get on her feet but it's not forever.

The last three weeks have been hell and she hasn't even moved in yet. We only have a Sunday off work together. My husband is off on saturday too. His whole family have been here every weekend all weekend. Preparing and decorating the spare room. Moving all her horse stuff down. My poor husband is run ragged as they want extra fences gates and all these things in place for her horse. They haven't paid for a single thing or even offered they just expect it and he delivers. I feel so uncomfortable in my own home. I have one day off work and I can't catch up on housework or spend time with my children. I haven't barely seen my husband as he works long hours in the week. We both eat tea and it's time for bed. Sunday has always been our day. I have told him tonight that we need boundaries. His family only want to know now because of what we have. I am happy to help his sis but there needs to be a time limit and if his mum dad and other siblings think they can come here to stay every weekend too then I will end up moving out.

I have told him how I feel we have had a very large row. Apparently I am unreasonable. I just know this is not going to end well. They have done some truly horrible things over the years to him and I feel like we are being used for our house!

Once I got past my shock reading the decorating / new fencing CFery I felt really sad. You read all the time on here of adult children whose parents have only given them crumbs, in comparison quite often to the golden child of the family. It must feel so good for your husband to be gaining their attention. But pain as it is he must come to terms with the fact that this has only come about now that there is something up on offer for them or his sister. Sadly with these types of parents it seems this is how the pattern usually goes. The attention comes when parents like this find there’s something on offer to serve THEM. And I think that’s completely heartbreaking. I wonder if your husband is on such a high (understandably) at receiving some attention and “love” that he’s basking in it after years of likely feeling wounded by their indifference towards him and his family.

My feeling is they will take all they can. From weekends at yours, a say in your house, land etc… If you think there is a sincere connection being built in the family and your family is gaining from this new found time spend together then lovely… BUT even then it must be done with strict boundaries- no to moving into the house, no to the fences or anything else (unless your or your DH actually want them). And a timeline she can stay in the caravan, although getting her to move on I think could prove a nightmare.

If you feel you are being used for your home and land and there is no new found extended family joy for your family in this connection then I’d nip the whole thing in the bud. I’d also suggest some counselling for your husband so he can unpack the inevitable hurt when they likely turn and reject him.

Maybe there’s a world this can work. Better relations, boundaried visits etc… It really depends on how willing your and your husband are to be assertive and how hard they are going to push. My feeling is that none of it will be worth it. That saying no to his DSis coming but arranging a few yearly weekend visits is the way forward.

Congratulations on all your hard work at achieving this dream for YOUR family. Enjoy every well deserved minute. If you do impart boundaries with them thry won’t like it but just remember they had no issue with boundaries in the past- not seeing you, no birthday wishes etc…

Whilst this has clearly got disaster written all over it… you can buy a static very cheaply. I have 2 or 3 sets of friends who have had to live in a static in their gardens for a year or so whilst renovating - all 3 paid less that £1500…I actually stayed I one for a visit before they had to move to the garden and it was retro but perfectly fine. could she afford that or could you loan her the money (so that she isn’t in your house) might help with a sense of independence and learning to look after herself if she’s not in your actual house

Do not let sister move in.

I can’t even read this….

Even letting her live in a caravan would be a mistake with this family history.
Shes sold her house -you’ve let this go too far already.

Op what are you doing? Put your foot down now and say no before it is too late. ⏰

You are being squeezed out of your own home. Put bottom of the list of priorities, behind his sister and his parents.

This will be a turning point in your relationship no matter what the outcome. If you kick off (as you should) and put a stop to it, his parents and sister will resent it forever and so will he.

If you go along with it, your life will be miserable. Forever.

Bite the bullet. Go for what you actually want. If you don't get it, split up.

Well in the conversation we had last night I did tell him straight. Pointed out that they only want to know now for what we have. I did tell him this would end our marriage. We are far from rich. We have worked so hard and made alot of sacrifices for this my son included and it was all for our daughter. She has a learning difficulty and finds school extremely difficult even with one to one. She has a processing disorder and can't retain written information. Horses are her thing and we wanted to give her the opportunity and show her she can have her own business and work with horses and basically give her the foundation ls too do that. I know he is hoping his sister can help her, which she could and I was happy with the static idea. But obviously that takes time it needs planning a septic tank and water. I thought she would do that in timey in laws were supposed be funding it. My in laws two girls are there golden children. They are alot younger. My husband never had a good childhood he moved into a hostel at 17 to get out. They have been truly vile over the years. But any time they show him a shred of interest he clings to it. I get it. He just wants them to be his parents.

Don’t let her move in. She’s 30. She shouldn’t have handed in her notice and plan to move if she didn’t have another job. Tell her to stay at her parents’ house. I would threaten to divorce if my husband was as spineless as yours. He needs to say no to his sister moving in. If she moves in then you leave and hand him the divorce papers.

You need to ask how she is going to pay for her food and lodging. Will her parent be paying for it?

Draw up a lodging agreement - making expectations very clear.

No! Dont do any of this.
TELL THEM NO! Do not let her move in.

I feel for you OP. I would never have agreed to let her stay unless there was a clear plan with an end to it. It feels like you both have been bulldozed. You are going to be so stressed.

I kept my mouth shut with my in-laws for years for DH but it came to a head eventually. We are no contact now and ex Sil has painted us as the bad guys but I don’t care. We aren’t living under a cloud anymore and it makes a mental, physical and financial difference. I knew it was hard for DH and have offered many times to be the bad guy and let him say it’s all me but he refused to do that.

@Sp3849 late to the party! where was he horse staying before all this was decided?? I think this has been planned behind your back by your husband! this was not just decided when you bought the ground to enable your daughter to have her own pony! you are really going to have to put your foot down!! this is going too far! cant believe sil is demanding this and that for her horse! Actually, I can, knowing how horse owners think!! next thing you know, she will be claiming for an injury the hhorse has received in a field after tripping over a big boulder which you should have removed! check your insurance for her horse fielding!

Your update is sadder. DH is hoping his family can be a proper family and be supportive and be there for your DD as she grows up. I would fear for her and the home you created for her around these people.

That's so sad, and understandable that he sees their attention as affection. But he must face up to the fact that they are awful people who will use him ruthlessly. I hope you can support each other to make the decisions you need to make to safeguard your family and your marriage. Because I'm pretty sure the more contact you have with the in-laws, the more conflicted and fractious your own family unit will become. And they will not gaf as long as they're being allowed to freeload.
Be strong and put yourselves first.
I think your husband could probably benefit from some counselling, it sounds like he had an awful childhood.

It sounds really stressful. I let a work colleague stay for what was supposed to be a week and it dragged on and on. Until me and ex had a screaming fit about it.

You enjoy your lovely new house and get everyone out except on your terms. Your husband has to back you up on this.

They haven't paid for a single thing or even offered they just expect it and he delivers.

Why?

He needs to stop putting his hands in his pocket now.

If the sister does end up moving in do nothing for her. Don't cook for her, don't do her washing.

Would your SIL/PIL change their mind if you made them aware you weren't really that keen? Assuming your DH won't put a stop to the move happening? Most normal people would be careful not to intrude if unwanted. Or are they not interested in you, just what you can provide for them?

I do feel sorry for your dh, he’s obviously got some childhood trauma and is would love a loving parental relationship but this isn’t the way to get it- I think he’s probably realising that! I don’t blame you for telling him straight and it’s a shame it ended in a row, I think maybe say to him something like I don’t want to argue/ I stand by what I said that’s it’s too much etc and how do you feel what are we going to do to move forward. Sounds like he too has had enough but it being family he gravies it’s hard for him to be so clear as you. The sis sounds awful though and I’d be revoking the moving in

OP, I think you have to help him recover this situation by actually telling him what to say to them, in order to recover and wind backwards a bit from this shit show which makes me anxious just to read it.
Give him the actual words to use. And tell him it’s non negotiable if he doesn’t want a divorce.

Tell him to tell his sister and parents, that on thinking it through more carefully and looking at the family budget this last weeknd, he now realises he has to apply the brakes a bit and he’s sorry for not realising this sooner, but until sister gets a job in the local area she can’t move away from her parents as he can’t financially support her, let alone her dog and horse and all her plans for the barn and field gates etc. He’s afraid it’s simply not doable, not at all, not in any way.

Tell him to tell her it’s his mistake for letting them all get so carried away by their excitement for her ideas and he’s sorry about that but it’s wise to now stop and think properly of the best plan going forward for everybody involved.
He has decided that when she starts her new job and she can afford the caravan in which to keep herself and her dog and her visiting parents, then that’s when she can move it and her horse into your field but her living expenses as well as the field and barn modifications must be at her cost so she will need to be sure of her own budget and to save up for them.
So all her efforts must now go towards finding the new job and paying for the winter-proof caravan in which she will live all year round and while she is doing that, he would appreciate a break for a good few weekends without any visitors at all to get things straight.

Maybe the in-laws will pay for a nicer caravan and it’s upkeep if they know they will be staying in it so tell him to make that part of the deal crystal clear.
You could tell his sister that you will look out for good jobs for her in your area and to get her new cv sorted so you can see exactly what skills she has to offer any new employer. Tell her she can stay the night if she needs to come down for interview but there’s no room for her parents sadly as you are just too busy to host them for now.

Please say no to all of it.

The more they change in your house the harder it will be to go back. Say no to the fences, say no to the barn redesign, say no to the camper van on your land. All those things will make everyone feel invested and in too deep.

Say it doesn’t work for you or your daughter and that adult Dsis needs to be independent and get a job, and her changing the goalposts has meant you need to reconsider the plans. She can’t live there, the dog can’t live there and they need to arrange visits to your place in advance.

Actually what I think would be perfectly reasonable is that, if their children and their dog now live in your house, it would be nice if you also asked your PIL to move in too, to save them the weekly 3 hour drive. You could renovate part of your house to their specs.

You need to stop this. You can see full well it's a disaster waiting to explode. Your DH can't say no so you will have to. You know full well you will be expected to cook for her and pay for her food and she will never move out, ever. And then the in laws will also move in. Just stop it all.

Oh and your DH needs therapy .

I'm so sorry. What a nightmare. He does need to stand up to them, of course. But can he?