To be fed up with in laws here all the time and hubby moving his sister in?

[Sp3849]

So a few months ago we bought our dream home. With a bit of land for our horse mad daughter to finally have her horse. It's been years in the making and to achieve it We had to relocate our whole lives We have both worked our guts out over the years.

However, since moving in our in laws have been making alot of effort to come visit etc. Now bearing in mind we now live 3 hours away. When we lived in the same town as them for 15 years we only saw or spoke to them if we visited which was a few times a year. They never called to ask about our kids. They had no interest at all. No birthday wishes no visit at Christmas nothing from them at all. Never even phoned to see how they were. Once we moved to Thier favourite place to holiday they started to visit us. At first I didn't care. My husband was happy his parents where making an effort and my kids had grandparents that saw them.

However a few weeks ago my husband comes home from work and says his sister who is 30 has handed in her notice and is moving down our way. She asked if she can put a static caravan on our land. I had no issue with this. We talked about how it would be nice for our daughter to have her auntie who was a horse loving riding instructor and a career in horse health and welfare to hand and how she could have company hacking together etc.

Next thing he comes home and she is moving in our house as she can't afford a caravan. I am like ok well I don't mind helping her get on her feet but it's not forever.

The last three weeks have been hell and she hasn't even moved in yet. We only have a Sunday off work together. My husband is off on saturday too. His whole family have been here every weekend all weekend. Preparing and decorating the spare room. Moving all her horse stuff down. My poor husband is run ragged as they want extra fences gates and all these things in place for her horse. They haven't paid for a single thing or even offered they just expect it and he delivers. I feel so uncomfortable in my own home. I have one day off work and I can't catch up on housework or spend time with my children. I haven't barely seen my husband as he works long hours in the week. We both eat tea and it's time for bed. Sunday has always been our day. I have told him tonight that we need boundaries. His family only want to know now because of what we have. I am happy to help his sis but there needs to be a time limit and if his mum dad and other siblings think they can come here to stay every weekend too then I will end up moving out.

I have told him how I feel we have had a very large row. Apparently I am unreasonable. I just know this is not going to end well. They have done some truly horrible things over the years to him and I feel like we are being used for our house!

Thanks for the update OP. I feel very sorry for your DH, particularly about his childhood abuse by a member of their religion. Being brought up in the sort of extreme, coersive religion that supports the abusers over the abused makes it very hard to completely break away without professional help. This information re-inforces my opinion that his parents are disgusting abusive people who should be nowhere near your family.

Good to hear the update OP.

I'm glad your DH is going to have some more therapy. I'd do it again if I needed it. It's an hour to just talk about you. In polite society we don't get that chance!

You have to build your own family traditions and rules after being in a childhood of abuse and control. I know about both. I'm sure you married a good man and he probably wants to 'save' his sibling. Good people do.
Keep strong and together on the no moving in decision and enjoy your new home. X

Thanks so much for this update OP. It's fantastic news that your DH has rationalised all this and arrived at his (very sensible!) conclusion without causing any more upset to your little family.

Yes, thank you OP and what a relief

This is so very traumatising for you too OP.

The end result of all this yo-yoing back and forth in your husband’s resolve always lands squarely on your shoulders. You are forced to absorb all the stress, fear and pain (and sheer hard work) while you protect your children from the effects of it.
Quite frankly, I’m surprised your marriage is still standing.

Your DH needs to understand that cycle of abuse that spreads outwards to you and his own children.

It’s sad for your SIL. her priority must be to get herself a job. She needs to help herself. You can’t and shouldn’t try to do it for her. It’s her own path she must find for herself. All you can do, from a distance, is encourage her in finding her own way out of the coercion.

Stand firm OP, as you have throughout. It’s clear you are the rock of the family.
You have my admiration and very best wishes.

Good news OP and well done OP's DH

I hope so 🤞

Op I just wanted to add my support for you both, you both sound absolutely lovely and should be proud of yourselves and how well you work together and manage such a difficult situation. I hope you can stand strong together and keep making a beautiful life for your lovely family. Dance through the rain!

Glad to read your update op. They sound like typical JW’s to me.

Gosh, I feel you!
Very similar situation, we've just moved into our dream home. Lots of land that has been years in the making, hard work and a total relocation. We are loving it, although we have alot of work to do. Both my Sister and my Dad have mentioned "moving in" or putting their caravan on our land/building a log cabin. I've laughed this off numerous times but I know full well if I agreed they would be here in a flash.

This is your dream, your house, your land and your family. If they want the "good life" they need to work hard for it like you guys have.

He is a really lucky man to have you as his wife.
Delighted that things have eased.

Keep your boundaries strong.
Be ThAT wife.
Do not allow any of them near your home.
His sister is not your responsibility and at this stage she is too conditioned by them.

Your sole responsibility is to your children and provide for them a safe happy home.

Keep these freaks out.
Bad people allow their children to continue to be knowingly abused.
The end.

No excuse whatsoever.
Keep them away from you completely.
Any further relationship he has needs to be completely away from your home and you do not wishe to hear about them again.

Well done OP.

I can see why your DH would rescue his DSis if he could, maybe he feels because he got away his parents have shut her life down and he wants to free her too. It's not his fault that he cant rescue her without his dreadful parents coming too.
Your DHs a decent man Op and I think he's been very lucky to have you

Well, I'm glad he came back and you could talk about it, but try to get him NOT to pick up the phone if/when they phone him. I am so sorry for what he has been through and I hope more therapy can help him to let go of these people.

All the best OP. You sound like a lovely caring person and your DH is so lucky to have you looking out for him

Thank you OP. Your poor husband. I can't imagine what it must have been like for him and his siblings. Abuse, religious fundamentalism of any kind, control - they've endured it all. He has been incredibly brave under incredible pressure. And so have you. Well done for keeping your head and staying strong, letting him come to his own realisation.

Keep up that I love you, I support you messaging - remember 'for better for worse' isn't just a romantic piece of wedding fluff.

I'm also so sorry for his sister ... But if she is allowed in, it will be the thing end of the wedge, a crack in the door. She isn't your problem.

If she'd been allowed in, she would have been influencing your children from within, which may have been the goal all along. To get them back in, from the mother who kept them out. Work on her brother from within.

I referred to a 'commune' earlier on - but your update suggests that could even be part of the plan.

Please please help him to every kind of therapy. If you Google therapy escape religious cult etc you'll find a lot of articles, advise and resources to share with him. Keep up your approach, that he must seek therapy, for a healthy future for your family.

Be prepared. For attempts at getting to him. New social media accounts, letters and parcels, different phone numbers, unexpected visits and arrivals. For rumours and reputation damage attempts. Is the religion itself; leaders, other members etc, likely to try to cause trouble as an organisation?

It may help him to write his memoirs, set down what happened, what this religion really is.

All the very best to you both and your family, you are the future.

Thank you for clarifying the background, OP, and glad there at least seems to be a little more sense being applied now - though the family will certainly keep trying if they feel tthey're losing their power/control

Worth remembering too that it isn't always the religion which does this to people, but that they're like it in the first place and feel drawn towards a community which legitimises how they behave

Gosh @Sp3849 no wonder he was nearly ‘lured back’. Very hard for both of you. Hope you can both stay strong. Clearly wanted to take over - even the caravan was just getting a foot in the door. Awful people.

Thank you for the update OP. You both sound lovely and deserve to lead happy lives together in your beautiful house. You will both have to keep the boundaries tight. They will try more things, probably health drama as they age. Be prepared for this.

expect a lot of guilt from DH over his sister, and again, him being spiky.
I’d imagine he will feel conflicted about being her saviour and allowing her to have a life and escape. However, the reality is it’s not an escape if they are coming too.
That’s definitely one to explore with a therapist.

hard times for everyone and hard not to let it feel like it’s tainting your new wonderful home.

Great update OP I'm so glad he didn't walk out since your previous update and is willing to seek help.

May I say you've been remarkably clear headed and understanding throughout all of this, you're amazing!

My heart breaks for your husband. Thank heavens he has been able to work out for himself what he needs . At times of great stress I have found that getting out into nature is very therapeutic and helps untangle difficult thoughts and feelings. You live somewhere beautiful so I hope "Dr Green" can assist in addition to the plans for therapy.
I wish you all the best. I was worried about your 16 year old's exams but you have both caught the situation in time. Bravo!

What a relief that he has stepped back from the precipice. Therapy will help enormously. Find a good therapist that specialises in families/cults (bacp registered) the support and clarity will bring him some comfort, but will challenge him to break the chains and the cycle.
Let him talk to you as much as he wants to, about this - his pain and disappointment without judgement. He is lucky to have you.
Your next chapter offers something much better for you both. You deserve to be free of this awful situation. 🙏🏼

@Sp3849 I am so glad to read your update this morning although very sad to hear about your DH’s childhood experience and abuse. He chose well in marrying you I must say! Although it isn’t the end of it all he has made a very important and insightful decision.

If he can access specialist counselling or psychotherapy for cult survivors, that is likely to be most helpful. It isn’t something that is generally included in counselling training. It would mean that he doesn’t have to spend part of his sessions trying to explain his background to a therapist who has no training or experience in this area. Now that therapists can work online there is far better access to specialists.

Good luck to you both and to your DS in his exams. I hope that the focus can go back on to your own children for now and that you can enjoy being united in your purpose.

But if the sister and in laws stop speaking to them and don’t understand OP and her DHs reasons for not wanting to go ahead with the sister moving in and the in laws decide to cut them off then surely that’s just evidence they are using them for their new home and nice location?

I'm so pleased your husband's returned home, and realised the truth. Therapy would be great for him. I'm an ex cult member too, the trauma is difficult to shake off. The years of conditioning to be "nice" because it's what God wants, is very difficult to change too. Also the repect that has to be given to the elders and people in position of power is dangerous. That's why sexual abuse is rife in cults, children think they can't say no! There was a boy who was being abused at ours too, the elders gave the guy a warning and moved him elsewhere!!! They said it's between God and him! Religion can be a dangerous ideology. That's why your husband finds it hard to say no to his family. Otherwise he thinks he's being "bad" in a sense! Bat shit crazy, I know! I'd personally go non contact with his family, even his sister. You and your husband have to prioritise and take care of yourselves.

He needs therapy with someone specifically trained in the area of cults and religions. It’s quite niche. Any good therapist is unlikely to be skilled enough in this area. Good luck

Once your dh sees the light op you might find he may wish to ‘rescue’ his sister. He can recommend therapy to her, and you can both be kind and talk it through. She can move out with some help packing to somewhere new. What dh can’t ever do is move her in, ‘save’ her from his parents or do the heavy lifting. She has to reach her own conclusions when she is ready and do the work required to save herself.