To have cut off my friend who stayed in an abusive marriage

[TheIvyRestaurant]

I had a friend, let’s call her Kate - she met a man about 12 years ago and got pregnant very quickly, after 3 months. They decided to make a go of it, and from about mid-way through her pregnancy I noticed his red flag behaviour. Then things got worse when she had the baby and he moved in. They then had another DD about 2 years later and they got married a few years after that. I could give hundreds of examples of how he was emotionally abusive but here are a few:

• Kate was “allowed” to come out for drinks with me (I eventually was her only friend as he alienated her from so many people) but only during the day - she had to be back at 6pm so she could do bedtime as he couldn’t cope apparently. I’m not talking babies - this is when their DDs were 6 and 8. One night we were having so much fun we lost track of time and realised it was 6.15pm. She had 9 texts from him saying she had “failed at her task” and “failed as a parent” because “you know that I can’t do bedtimes so the girls are now going to be up really late thanks to you putting yourself first”.
• She had to go term time only at work because he can’t look after his own children for full days while she works, it triggers his PTSD. Meaning she had a lot less money. He also insisted on keeping their finances seperate, so whilst he stayed full time and would buy £900 TVs and an e scooter, she would have to forgo buying lunch at work because her salary dropped so much.
• During lockdown, things ramped up - he was beyond nasty and would text her from other rooms of the house saying “Tell those kids to STFU before lose my shit at you all” and “Can you put some clothes on, it makes me want to vomit seeing you in pyjamas during the day” and “You’d better be doing home schooling with them, if they’re then out to be thick kids it will be your fault”. He couldn’t home schooling apparently, it triggered his PTAD. She would text me these screenshots on a daily basis.
• One time we went to a local concert, and she decided she’d stay out for a drink after and stand up to him. He wasn’t happy and was demanding she come home but she put her phone in her bag. A few hours later, she checked her phone to find 67 missed calls and the ring doorbell showed paramedics at their door. He called 999 saying he thinks he has sepsis. He didn’t, and they soon left. But he spent months saying the stress she caused by staying out brought on sepsis like symptoms.
• He’d really have a go at her parenting. All the time. She’s an AMAZING mum, but if she didn’t have things 100% organised (like literally every mum on the planet) he’d go nuts. I was round once and he said “The girls want to go in the garden where are their hats?”. Because she didn’t instantly know and had to look in various cupboards and coat pockets, he really went at her saying “Smart mother you are - don’t even know where their clothes are”. I pointed out “Well neither do you” and the look her gave me terrified me to the point I left after that.
• Me and her went away with all our kids to a theme park hotel for the night and he was texting her having a go about her parenting - the kids weren’t even there! He’s obsessed with her “failing”. “I gave you a new routine and you failed at it. You left the house 15 minutes after we agreed. FAILED”.
• Her DDs eventually started treating her like shit. If they wanted her from another room they’d shout “Kate! Get here RIGHT NOW”. She said it’s because that’s how her DH speaks to her and they were copying

I spent a lot of personal time and energy worrying about my friend. I told her from early on to leave him, not to marry him, that’s she can do better and she’s a shell of her former self. Eventually, after another text simply saying “Guess what your latest fail has been? Go on take a guess.” (she forgot to turn the dishwasher on and he had nothing to eat his food on which apparently triggered his PTSD) she told me she wants to leave him. I supported her for the next 3 months. I did all sorts - looked around rentals on her behalf (he was NEVER gonna leave the house of his own accord and she didn’t want police involvement). Researched cheap items to but for a new kitchen. Researched women’s groups and charities that support single mums. Spent hours pouring over her rights and how to claim maintenance and the pitfalls she might encounter. Researching the cheapest forms of divorce. None of this she could do herself in case he checked her phone or caught her.

I did it to the detriment of spending time with my own kids and DH. My DH at this point was supportive but said i was too involved and it’s not my job, and pointed out my friend would post “we are such a happy family” type posts on social media and he assured me “she’s never gonna leave him you’re wasting your time”. We once fell out about it. But I persevered and was determined to get her out of there.

My uncle is a landlord and I asked him a favour to rent her a 2 bed property for a while at a cheap rate until she could find something more suitable. He agreed, letting down the person he promised it to. I was grateful and my friend was delighted she had a place to escape to.

A week before she was due to move in (she’d signed a tenancy agreement) she asked to meet me for lunch. She told me that I had been encouraging her to leave her husband for too long, pushing her into doing it and she didn’t like it and I was to stop. Because she loved him and wasn’t leaving. I asked her if her DH was making her say these things and she said “no”. I’m not sure if this is true. She said we can still be friends but I have to stop this “vendetta” against her DH.

A few days later, still heartbroken, I decided I’d had enough and her marriage had imposed too much on my own life. With DH’s support I texted her to say I couldn’t be her friend anymore. She had gaslighted me, and taken me for granted and she was on her own. I then blocked her on everything and haven’t seen her since. Luckily my uncle was v understanding and didn’t pursue her for her contractual obligations.

That was 3 years ago. I don’t talk about it because I feel so bruised emotionally from it and I tell people we drifted apart. We then moved away shortly after that (for different reasons) which made the cut-off easier.

Anyway caught up with my mum today and she said “You haven’t spoken about Kate in ages. You used to mention her all the time”. I told her the whole story.

I’ve come away feeling sick with guilt. My mum made me feel really awful - said I shouldn’t have given up on my friend and I should have bided my time before bringing it up again. That “That poor woman and those 2 girls are stuck with that vile man and you’re doing nothing about it”. My mum was in an abusive marriage (albeit a violent one as well) and said “so called friends like me” who bolted when her stories became too much are people she will never forgive or forget. That of you know bad things are happening it’s your obligation to stop them, and I gave up too soon.

FWIW. DH looks now and again on social media and Kate and her DH are still together.

I now feel so guilty and confused and second guessing my decision I was otherwise so sure about for 3 years. Please tell me MN honestly - WIBU to cut Kate off? Should I try and reach out to her? My mum gave me a new perspective and I honestly feel sick with what I did.

It's not OPs cross to bear though.

OP it sounds like you did all you could, it was right to consider your wellbeing too and do what you needed to. It's unfortunate that she was evidently trapped with this abusive man, but it's not your responsibility to save her or stick around.

That's still not gaslighting though. Dictionary definition attached.

Yes, she's not being honest with you about what's transpired but it's because she can't face the truth, not because she was trying to manipulate you. Gaslighting is the deliberate insistence that something is true when it isn't, or the reverse, for the purpose of manipulating and/or controlling another person.

I completely understand your frustration at history being rewritten - but it's what I said above re being too black and white when it comes to abuse. Victims of abuse find it difficult to face the reality of their situation for all kinds of complicated reasons, but not because they're gaslighting you.

Gaslighting has become such a buzzword, and half the time it's used completely out of context. In this example, unfairly so.

Reading through all your posts OP and your reference to your mum being in abusive relationships, it probably explains your need to rescue your friend and your insistence on seeing things in such black-and-white terms.

I said before that I wouldn't have cut her off and I stand by that. But your latest comment about her never asking about your circumstances or showing any interest in your life would be a game-changer for me. I've supported friends through really difficult life circumstances but if there's no care shown towards me, even if they can't practically help, then what's the point in the friendship?!

What was she like before this relationship - was she always self-absorbed? Or do you think living under constant abuse has made her act that way? Not that it matters now, just interesting I guess.

I suspect during that final lunch you got the brunt of everything she wished she could say to her DH but daren't. It wasn't you she saw sitting there, it was him, which is why she gave it to you with both barrels.

I don't know that I'd have walked away entirely knowing how bad it was for her, but then I'm not you. None of us are, including your mum. I had a friend who took 10 years to leave her abusive DH – coercive control, gaslighting – and she boomeranged many times until she finally did it but none of her friends were involved at the level you were.

I would not have continued to be her outlet no.

It’s not fair to you.

I would have possibly left the door open and said if she ever leaves him then she can contact you and you will support her.

But I would not continue to try to help or support her as it’s not for you to do.

There is nothing awful about that. Friendships are supposed to enhance your life.

Not to make you feel worse OP but it'll probably always hurt to some degree, although not as much as it does now.

The loss of the person I knew feels like a grief, even though they are still alive but I recognise now that neither the person they were nor out friendship is going to come back. Despite all best efforts the situation has burnt it. And it hurts and probably always will do, but it's a hurt that I'm learning to live with.

No, her mother is NOT a nasty woman to say that. Her mother survived a violent man, just like I did, and I'll never forget my best friend at the time who refused to set foot in my house when I was trying to separate from him because "I don't want to get involved". I wasn't asking her to, I just wanted to be able to have support from a friend, but she wouldn't even come into my house when he wasn't even there.

You don't forget things like that when you are living in utter hell.

To call this woman's mother nasty after her own experience of living with DV is shameful of you.

YANBU

What are you supposed to do - drag her out?!

You did what you could and she stayed - she has made her choice

It is true because it was me. I did to people exactly what this woman’s friend did to her. Gaslighting, getting people to help me plan then not following through. Blaming others when I didn’t have the guts to leave. Just because you eventually got out doesn’t mean we all do. I escaped eventually but it wasn’t because I packed a bag and ran away.

So the opposite of what OP had been doing then? Truth is when you are friends with someone in this situation the friendship does inevitably revolve around their relationship; it is draining especially when you're being encouraged to support them in leaving and then they don't. It's understandable they don't, also understandable why people have to draw their own boundaries within their friendships.

Sorry I agree with your mum.

You have NOTHING to feel guilty about OP. You were a fabulous friend. Your mother is a disgrace to say those things to you. If you are feeling charitable, put it down to her past trauma, and move on, but if she mentions your friendship again, make it clear she is crossing a line. For what it's worth, I think you are amazing. ❤️

Your boundaries are yours. No stranger on the internet can tell you where these lie. The decision was right for you: you've been confident of this for the past three years. Therefore it was the right choice.

Your mother had no business laying a guilt-trip on you, and frankly, whilst I'm aware how difficult it is to recognise yourself as a victim of an abusive relationship and to leave (ask me how I know), I'm unimpressed with 'Kate's' response. Turning the many things you had done to help her against you, accusing you of putting pressure on her and telling you to back off, was really not okay.

I completely understand your position that this point marked the last of the help you offered. I think I would feel the same. Yes, Kate is a victim, but there is such a thing as 'emotional vampirism' and these people drain the life out of others. I also believe that, rather than cajoling other women to 'Be Kind', people should be applauding those women who, in the face of our insidious social conditioning, have a clear sense of where their boundaries are and when enough is enough. Want evidence of that conditioning and you won't have to look far: you'll find it upthread or on any variation of its theme on this site.

Well done for knowing those boundaries and asserting them. YANBU.

I think this-I think you did the right thing in everything but maybe just leaving the door open if she ever needed you.
I don't think you have to feel bad though- you did so much for her and there's only so much you can give to someone else.

I'm sorry, OP, but I think you did the wrong thing in cutting your friend off completely. And your mother was not "nasty", as another poster commented, to say she disagreed with you.

The number rule of mental health is to look after yourself first.

you recognised that, you did it, it was the right thing to do.

took me five years to do the same, don’t regret it at all, and a few friends who were also friend of that friend asked me what took me sooooo long to join them.

I did it via WhatsApp, and after I saw the 2 blue ticks I blocked her.

I voted YABU for the following reasons:

1. It's absolutely ok that you needed to take a step back for our own well-being, but you shouldn't have completely abandoned her leaving her completely isolated with only him.
2. Living with an abuser is utter hell, and it's probably impossible for someone who hasn't been through it to really truly understand what psychological torture they endure. To say she was gaslighting you is really not what happened (by definition of gaslighting). She was terrified, he'd either caught wind of her plans to leave and threatened her, or something like that happened, which is why she came out with that clearly cock and bull story to you that day at lunch. It wasn't gaslighting you, it was her fear at his threats made her feel she had to make up those lies to you.
3. She's been left isolated and now has no one to be there for any support whatsoever. Whilst I appreciate you felt this had become a one-sided friendship, her life is consumed with this awful vile man and her mind will always have been thinking about what was coming next, making it very hard for her to take herself out of that and ask you about your life. I know that makes her not a great friend to you, but sometimes we need to be there to support our friends through the shit. It just makes me very sad and fearful for her that you ended the friendship and blocked her, when you at least had emotional support in your life from others, but she didn't.

I really hope "Kate" is ok, but sadly, I know the hell she's living and I genuinely feel very sad for her that she's all alone.

God I’m so sorry that sounds really tough do you know what you will do next?

Your intentions were good, you did everything you could to help her.

Don't feel guilty.

Sadly your friends self esteem is shot away, encouraging her maybe felt like hassle for her.

My sister is in an abusive relationship, she is reminded by another sister, her daughter and son. I know she is aware that we all want her to leave, I don't ask her about it, if she shares, then I'll agree he is vile. I spoke about it in the past but I could see that the conversation hurt her more.

The day she leaves I'll be singing and dancing.

I think you have been a very good friend and you did all that you could. You did go above and beyond but she wasn't able to respond or follow through.

Your mother is a product of her own very unfortunate experiences and this situation with your friend must have triggered difficult feelings for her. She shouldn't be guilt tripping you, but possibly hasn't thought of it like that. Just let it go and don't feel guilty.

I think you had to step back for your own sanity. I'm sure I would have too. You chose to block Kate and that's fair enough. Maybe you could soon just quietly unblock without saying anything at first and see how that feels. Only if you want to though, and no matter at all if you don't or can't face it.

I don't understand your question, but in response to your comment, there is nothing wrong with OP having to step back for her own well-being. But not leaving the door open is what I feel was not ok here. By all means step back, but to block and abandon an abused woman, knowing she was her only friend and support, nope.

@TheIvyRestaurant you made the right choice.

I have a friend that was in a toxic relationship, thankfully no DC.

He hated me as I saw right through him from the moment she met the grifter. I was there for her everytime he let her down, disappointed her, cheated, was abusive, was out of his face on drugs. I listened, I dropped everything and myself and my husband spent hours helping move her things out of the flat they had just moved into the first time she found out he cheated before he came home from work and even went toe to toe to him when he became abusive and tried to stop her leaving.

She went back to him every single time and yet I was there, I heard all of the bad, I'd be polite to him when I saw him, I invited him to our wedding where my friend was MOH (he didn't turn up the morning of the wedding and I said nothing about how much money I'd wasted).

It was a cycle of breaking up and getting back together and I was there. But I realised that my friend wasn't there for me, not through my marriage difficulties, not through my difficult pregnancy when I was so unwell and not after my baby was born.

They eventually split up and I told her at then that I couldn't keep setting myself on fire to keep her warm, I couldn't continue to watch her be a shell of herself and the cycle continue and if they got back together I'd have to end our friendship.

They didn't get back together but she's spent years telling me how awful I was for saying that to her, she hasn't improved as a friend and I wish I had just cut her off a long time ago as her relationship took a great personal toll on me. Unfortunately I perceived her selfishness to be as a result of him but it turns out it's her personality, she still doesn't ask about my family or my child or me, if she does the conversation swiftly turns back to her and I truly believe if her ex came back she would take him back as she has a very rose-tinted view of the relationship and seems to have forgotten all the awful parts.

So I fully support what you've done and admire your courage in doing so as I can imagine how conflicted and difficult that decision must have been.

So what? 🤷🏻‍♀️

You shouldn’t set yourself on fire to keep others warm.

The OP tried her best and discovered that this friendship was causing her (and indirectly her family) to suffer too, so it’s entirely right that she let the friendship go.

No-one is obliged to become a rescuer at the expense of their own mental health. There are paid professionals who can take on that role and it doesn’t impact on their own personal relationships.