To have cut off my friend who stayed in an abusive marriage

[TheIvyRestaurant]

I had a friend, let’s call her Kate - she met a man about 12 years ago and got pregnant very quickly, after 3 months. They decided to make a go of it, and from about mid-way through her pregnancy I noticed his red flag behaviour. Then things got worse when she had the baby and he moved in. They then had another DD about 2 years later and they got married a few years after that. I could give hundreds of examples of how he was emotionally abusive but here are a few:

• Kate was “allowed” to come out for drinks with me (I eventually was her only friend as he alienated her from so many people) but only during the day - she had to be back at 6pm so she could do bedtime as he couldn’t cope apparently. I’m not talking babies - this is when their DDs were 6 and 8. One night we were having so much fun we lost track of time and realised it was 6.15pm. She had 9 texts from him saying she had “failed at her task” and “failed as a parent” because “you know that I can’t do bedtimes so the girls are now going to be up really late thanks to you putting yourself first”.
• She had to go term time only at work because he can’t look after his own children for full days while she works, it triggers his PTSD. Meaning she had a lot less money. He also insisted on keeping their finances seperate, so whilst he stayed full time and would buy £900 TVs and an e scooter, she would have to forgo buying lunch at work because her salary dropped so much.
• During lockdown, things ramped up - he was beyond nasty and would text her from other rooms of the house saying “Tell those kids to STFU before lose my shit at you all” and “Can you put some clothes on, it makes me want to vomit seeing you in pyjamas during the day” and “You’d better be doing home schooling with them, if they’re then out to be thick kids it will be your fault”. He couldn’t home schooling apparently, it triggered his PTAD. She would text me these screenshots on a daily basis.
• One time we went to a local concert, and she decided she’d stay out for a drink after and stand up to him. He wasn’t happy and was demanding she come home but she put her phone in her bag. A few hours later, she checked her phone to find 67 missed calls and the ring doorbell showed paramedics at their door. He called 999 saying he thinks he has sepsis. He didn’t, and they soon left. But he spent months saying the stress she caused by staying out brought on sepsis like symptoms.
• He’d really have a go at her parenting. All the time. She’s an AMAZING mum, but if she didn’t have things 100% organised (like literally every mum on the planet) he’d go nuts. I was round once and he said “The girls want to go in the garden where are their hats?”. Because she didn’t instantly know and had to look in various cupboards and coat pockets, he really went at her saying “Smart mother you are - don’t even know where their clothes are”. I pointed out “Well neither do you” and the look her gave me terrified me to the point I left after that.
• Me and her went away with all our kids to a theme park hotel for the night and he was texting her having a go about her parenting - the kids weren’t even there! He’s obsessed with her “failing”. “I gave you a new routine and you failed at it. You left the house 15 minutes after we agreed. FAILED”.
• Her DDs eventually started treating her like shit. If they wanted her from another room they’d shout “Kate! Get here RIGHT NOW”. She said it’s because that’s how her DH speaks to her and they were copying

I spent a lot of personal time and energy worrying about my friend. I told her from early on to leave him, not to marry him, that’s she can do better and she’s a shell of her former self. Eventually, after another text simply saying “Guess what your latest fail has been? Go on take a guess.” (she forgot to turn the dishwasher on and he had nothing to eat his food on which apparently triggered his PTSD) she told me she wants to leave him. I supported her for the next 3 months. I did all sorts - looked around rentals on her behalf (he was NEVER gonna leave the house of his own accord and she didn’t want police involvement). Researched cheap items to but for a new kitchen. Researched women’s groups and charities that support single mums. Spent hours pouring over her rights and how to claim maintenance and the pitfalls she might encounter. Researching the cheapest forms of divorce. None of this she could do herself in case he checked her phone or caught her.

I did it to the detriment of spending time with my own kids and DH. My DH at this point was supportive but said i was too involved and it’s not my job, and pointed out my friend would post “we are such a happy family” type posts on social media and he assured me “she’s never gonna leave him you’re wasting your time”. We once fell out about it. But I persevered and was determined to get her out of there.

My uncle is a landlord and I asked him a favour to rent her a 2 bed property for a while at a cheap rate until she could find something more suitable. He agreed, letting down the person he promised it to. I was grateful and my friend was delighted she had a place to escape to.

A week before she was due to move in (she’d signed a tenancy agreement) she asked to meet me for lunch. She told me that I had been encouraging her to leave her husband for too long, pushing her into doing it and she didn’t like it and I was to stop. Because she loved him and wasn’t leaving. I asked her if her DH was making her say these things and she said “no”. I’m not sure if this is true. She said we can still be friends but I have to stop this “vendetta” against her DH.

A few days later, still heartbroken, I decided I’d had enough and her marriage had imposed too much on my own life. With DH’s support I texted her to say I couldn’t be her friend anymore. She had gaslighted me, and taken me for granted and she was on her own. I then blocked her on everything and haven’t seen her since. Luckily my uncle was v understanding and didn’t pursue her for her contractual obligations.

That was 3 years ago. I don’t talk about it because I feel so bruised emotionally from it and I tell people we drifted apart. We then moved away shortly after that (for different reasons) which made the cut-off easier.

Anyway caught up with my mum today and she said “You haven’t spoken about Kate in ages. You used to mention her all the time”. I told her the whole story.

I’ve come away feeling sick with guilt. My mum made me feel really awful - said I shouldn’t have given up on my friend and I should have bided my time before bringing it up again. That “That poor woman and those 2 girls are stuck with that vile man and you’re doing nothing about it”. My mum was in an abusive marriage (albeit a violent one as well) and said “so called friends like me” who bolted when her stories became too much are people she will never forgive or forget. That of you know bad things are happening it’s your obligation to stop them, and I gave up too soon.

FWIW. DH looks now and again on social media and Kate and her DH are still together.

I now feel so guilty and confused and second guessing my decision I was otherwise so sure about for 3 years. Please tell me MN honestly - WIBU to cut Kate off? Should I try and reach out to her? My mum gave me a new perspective and I honestly feel sick with what I did.

Its not you. But ill bet your mum had a fantasy about being rescued. Like your friend, who actually realised she doesn't have the nerve.

She was in a shit situation and her way of coping was to draw you into it. It's a bit of a Kick The Dog syndrome. He makes her feel shit to make himself feel better and she draws you into the misery to cope and you then feel shit. As you saw, it also affected your husband. You're better off out of it all. You couldn't or shouldn't have done more.

I would, and have, done exactly the same as you. It sounds like a really one-sided friendship where she took far more than she ever gave, and you supported her to the detriment of your own family. It was an u healthy dynamic and you did the right thing to step back when she needed more than you could give.

Some.peiple only know jow to be the victim. She's a victim of him and she had to paint herself as the victim of you as well. She isn't ready to change her narrative. It's not you.

Perhaps backing well off rather than blocking her was the way to go. Maybe you could have told her that after all you did to help her and it being thrown back in your face, you did not feel able to be fully present anymore. I think i would have stepped back completely, tellling her why, but left the door open by not blocking, in case she genuinely needed to contact you in future. In some ways you have done her DH's bidding by separating her from her only friend. Sorry OP, but you did the right thing to put your own DH and DC first.

I think it would have been fine to have told her that you can't keep up that level of support, that it comes at a personal cost to you and that you'd given her an out and she's rejected it and you'd therefore taking a step back, but that ultimately you'd be there for her if she ever sees sense or ever really needed you. Instead, you've cut her off completely from the only person she had.

I'm afraid I can't help but agree with this, assuming she has also been a good friend to you over the years. I wouldn't have cut her off completely. But I know some people are quite absolute / black and white. When you listed your options of how to manage it, where was "distance yourself but still check in on your friend". I think you went for the nuclear option, maybe based on your own upset.

I am 95% sure her DH was behind the gaslighting

Just noticed this which just makes it even more sad.

Your poor ex friend and her DDs.

Your friend needed a mature person to help her. You tried but you weren't emotionally equipped to handle the situation. There is a book called "Under the influence" read it then you will understand what rock bottom means.

For those asking why it had to be all or nothing…

I’d bet OP would have remained friends with her if she had turned around and said “it’s too hard, I can’t do it right now, thank you for everything you’ve done to support me”

Instead she completely gaslit OP and was extremely unkind about everything the OP had done to help her. I couldn’t stay friends with someone who did that to me when I had done so much to try to help them.

You know very well you did not have a vendetta against the husband of your friend. And your ex friend knows this.
Unfortunately, you can lead a horse to water, but you cannot make it drink.
She offloaded an awful lot to you, to your cost. Your family suffered too.
Your ex friend is a fully grown adult.
Your mother guilt tripping you is not on.
Your mum was not being impartial here, at all. She was thinking about her own situation.

You had to leave your ex friend to it, as the cost was getting too much. You invested a lot of time and effort. And guess what?
She said she loved him. She didn’t leave.
There are none so blind as those who do not wish to see.
You have to look after yourself and your family. You were a good friend, and many can understand why you feel the way you do.
You cannot fix things for a lot of people.
I too had a friend who had a seriously abusive partner. She eventually left after having 5 children with him.
I had enough of her. I’d always been her rescuer. But I needed to look after my health, family and situations. She had to deal with it herself.
I really don’t miss her tbh. I realise I’d invested too much in her life. But I realised I was allowed to make my life a priority for once. It’s not selfish, seriously.
I can understand why you cut her off, completely. You did what you could. And it’s exhausting when nothing changes; you are allowed to protect your sanity and space for yourself.

With the greatest of respect I was there - she did gaslight me. Whether it was through coercion, or it was unconscious, it was gaslighting. Proved after when I looked back at messages that explicitly showed her desperation to want to leave him. It made me feel like total shit.

I felt like shaking her “See look - you’re wrong, you lied and here’s the evidence” would have been pointless and cruel. I also didn’t want to participate in pretending she was right.

If that lunch she’d said “I appreciate all your help but now isn’t the right time for X Y Z reason” it would probably have been different. But I felt I didn’t deserve to be anyone’s emotional punching bag

I don't think this is awful at all, and I think you gave your absolute all to try and help your friend, like way above and beyond, to the detriment of your family and also I guess to the detriment of your existing friendship - her relationship with her DH has tainted your meet ups, holidays and experiences and you have given both your physical and mental time and energy to try and make her life better.
Yes, of course for your friend it possible isn't as simple as leaving, and she may be being controlled by him - but you have done as much as you can to be there for her and support her. You deserve happiness and good friendships too and it sounds like she has thrown everything you did back in your face.
I think taking yourself out of the situation was the right thing, in this case. Perhaps she will come back to you when she is ready to leave and seek a resolve with you. But you only get one life, you've spent enough years of your time on this, and what she did and said at your last meeting was cruel and hurtful - that is valid too.
She does have a choice, she's made it for now and if you don't feel you can support this choice then it's better the friendship ends. As PPs have said, her DH will probably poison her against you anyway so you'll always be the bad guy now.
Do you think you will ever un block her to see if she does ever reach out, or are you still totally done?

Your decision needs to be based on what's right for YOU, not your friend. Your mum can't see that so I do think she is being a little harsh. She may be right about it being hard to leave, but at what cost to you? Why should you keep doing it? It's someone else's turn now.

She's codependent it won't end until someone is either dead or imprisoned. That's how a lot of these relationships end up.

I think even if you hadn't blocked her, in all likelihood her husband wouldn't have allowed her to contact you anymore. She might have been persuaded to block you so might not even know that you cut her off. It's common for the abuser to force their partner to distance themselves from the "bad influence" who made them consider leaving in order to prove their loyalty.

Sometimes you have to let people go, unfortunately she was consuming a lot of your emotional energy and while you thought it was helping her it really wasn't doing anything positive for either of you.

Yes it is the gaslighting and blaming the op which makes it feel so bad. If she had just said I'm sorry I just can't do it yet, it might have been different. I know it was probably her husband's influence, but she still blamed you for trying to help her. I don't think I could have come back from that either.

I ask my DH to check now and again as I’ve blocked her from my account. Just to see if her DH is still in her profile pic. I still care for her and want her to leave, I’ve just felt I can’t be part of her life anymore

In a similar situation. My own health is not good and I’ve literally exhausted myself trying to help.
Reading screenshots of abusive conversations where I then couldn’t sleep with worry.
Friend has already been given new housing where heaven and earth was moved to get her into it. She was classed as homeless and a DV victim and the LA found her a home in a lovely new purpose built flat with great security.
A week later she gave her ‘D’H the spare key and the key code.
I understand it’s not easy.
Last week I spent hours talking to her as I was trying to get ready for another friend’s funeral.
I have heard over and over and over again the details of why he’s vile.
This friend has a loving family who did all they could to move her and equip her new home.
Last week she said I’m really done and I said I was pleased because what I’d seen in the messages she’d sent where really concerning to me.
The next day I found out an hour after telling me that she was at his house, planning their new future together.
I have now had enough. I don’t have the emotional or physical resources any more and it’s too much for me.
If anyone wants to judge me, I don’t mind. But it’s like dealing with an addict.

It can be incredibly draining when you invest so much in helping a friend who won’t or can’t help themselves and I think your mum was unfair to guilt trip you. I have a friend I’ve had to back away from who has been in an abusive relationship for years but doesn’t want suggestions, doesn’t want help and doesn’t want saving. She just wants someone to sit on the phone for hours every week commiserating with her about how awful it all is and I’m so drained I’ve just stopped answering her calls because she doesn’t want help. I’ve come to the conclusion there may be an element of attention in it all and I only call or text when it’s convenient for me. I just don’t answer the endless calls anymore.

No, you did all you could and if was starting to effect your own relationships, you did the right thing. I was at this point with a friend, she would be at mine crying and then the same day doing happy family posts on social media. Luckily she saw the light a few months later but several of her friends had reached the point you got to, me included. You can't keep pouring your own emotional wellbeing down the drain for the sake of someone else

At the risk of drip feeding another (much smaller) factor in my deciding to cut Kate off completely is, for a year (my DH had picked on my anxiety when returning from seeing Kate) when I returned from being with her my DH would ask “Has she asked after you/[insert significant life event happening here including my child’s illness at one point]/asked how you are?” I said no every time

He was gently trying to tell me the friendship was one sided, and I I didn’t think I minded but having healthier two sided friendships since made me realise what I missed out on.

You’re probably right - if I was an armchair psychology’s I’d say I couldn’t save my mum from shitty men so I’ve tried to save my friend and it blew up in my face. Fucking men

All of this. OP you did enough.

My mum was like that complained about my dad but she would never leave him. There is a fine line between love and hate Kate probably still loved her husband and that's why she was torn. She probably told him the plans to see what reaction she would get. My mum was like that she played her family against my dad and she never left him. You did the right thing leaving her to it she didn't want to leave she wanted him to change.

You know, it's perfectly possible that your friend is inherently selfish and not a good friend AND is in an abusive relationship. The two arent mutually exclusive.

It's not as if every person in an abusive dynamic is kind and gentle and lovely - abusive relationships can happen to anyone. Your friend sounds very selfish despite her awful situation. I think you did the right thing in blocking her. You clearly have enough on your plate as it is and she doesnt seem to care.

Yes exactly this - though I do reckon I’d have backed off a bit, but it’s the way she went about it that really really hurt, like vomit-inducing hurt.

Option 2 wouldn't have worked.

Option 1 would have been a lie and fake.

Option 3 was the only way to keep your integrity. You did what you could but at the end of the day, she sabotaged your friendship and her own future happiness.

You sound like you were a really good friend to her but in the end, YANBU to have cut her off.