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AIBU?

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Original poster

To have cut off my friend who stayed in an abusive marriage

411 replies

TheIvyRestaurant · 06/04/2025 15:28

I had a friend, let’s call her Kate - she met a man about 12 years ago and got pregnant very quickly, after 3 months. They decided to make a go of it, and from about mid-way through her pregnancy I noticed his red flag behaviour. Then things got worse when she had the baby and he moved in. They then had another DD about 2 years later and they got married a few years after that. I could give hundreds of examples of how he was emotionally abusive but here are a few:

  • Kate was “allowed” to come out for drinks with me (I eventually was her only friend as he alienated her from so many people) but only during the day - she had to be back at 6pm so she could do bedtime as he couldn’t cope apparently. I’m not talking babies - this is when their DDs were 6 and 8. One night we were having so much fun we lost track of time and realised it was 6.15pm. She had 9 texts from him saying she had “failed at her task” and “failed as a parent” because “you know that I can’t do bedtimes so the girls are now going to be up really late thanks to you putting yourself first”.
  • She had to go term time only at work because he can’t look after his own children for full days while she works, it triggers his PTSD. Meaning she had a lot less money. He also insisted on keeping their finances seperate, so whilst he stayed full time and would buy £900 TVs and an e scooter, she would have to forgo buying lunch at work because her salary dropped so much.
  • During lockdown, things ramped up - he was beyond nasty and would text her from other rooms of the house saying “Tell those kids to STFU before lose my shit at you all” and “Can you put some clothes on, it makes me want to vomit seeing you in pyjamas during the day” and “You’d better be doing home schooling with them, if they’re then out to be thick kids it will be your fault”. He couldn’t home schooling apparently, it triggered his PTAD. She would text me these screenshots on a daily basis.
  • One time we went to a local concert, and she decided she’d stay out for a drink after and stand up to him. He wasn’t happy and was demanding she come home but she put her phone in her bag. A few hours later, she checked her phone to find 67 missed calls and the ring doorbell showed paramedics at their door. He called 999 saying he thinks he has sepsis. He didn’t, and they soon left. But he spent months saying the stress she caused by staying out brought on sepsis like symptoms.
  • He’d really have a go at her parenting. All the time. She’s an AMAZING mum, but if she didn’t have things 100% organised (like literally every mum on the planet) he’d go nuts. I was round once and he said “The girls want to go in the garden where are their hats?”. Because she didn’t instantly know and had to look in various cupboards and coat pockets, he really went at her saying “Smart mother you are - don’t even know where their clothes are”. I pointed out “Well neither do you” and the look her gave me terrified me to the point I left after that.
  • Me and her went away with all our kids to a theme park hotel for the night and he was texting her having a go about her parenting - the kids weren’t even there! He’s obsessed with her “failing”. “I gave you a new routine and you failed at it. You left the house 15 minutes after we agreed. FAILED”.
  • Her DDs eventually started treating her like shit. If they wanted her from another room they’d shout “Kate! Get here RIGHT NOW”. She said it’s because that’s how her DH speaks to her and they were copying

I spent a lot of personal time and energy worrying about my friend. I told her from early on to leave him, not to marry him, that’s she can do better and she’s a shell of her former self. Eventually, after another text simply saying “Guess what your latest fail has been? Go on take a guess.” (she forgot to turn the dishwasher on and he had nothing to eat his food on which apparently triggered his PTSD) she told me she wants to leave him. I supported her for the next 3 months. I did all sorts - looked around rentals on her behalf (he was NEVER gonna leave the house of his own accord and she didn’t want police involvement). Researched cheap items to but for a new kitchen. Researched women’s groups and charities that support single mums. Spent hours pouring over her rights and how to claim maintenance and the pitfalls she might encounter. Researching the cheapest forms of divorce. None of this she could do herself in case he checked her phone or caught her.

I did it to the detriment of spending time with my own kids and DH. My DH at this point was supportive but said i was too involved and it’s not my job, and pointed out my friend would post “we are such a happy family” type posts on social media and he assured me “she’s never gonna leave him you’re wasting your time”. We once fell out about it. But I persevered and was determined to get her out of there.

My uncle is a landlord and I asked him a favour to rent her a 2 bed property for a while at a cheap rate until she could find something more suitable. He agreed, letting down the person he promised it to. I was grateful and my friend was delighted she had a place to escape to.

A week before she was due to move in (she’d signed a tenancy agreement) she asked to meet me for lunch. She told me that I had been encouraging her to leave her husband for too long, pushing her into doing it and she didn’t like it and I was to stop. Because she loved him and wasn’t leaving. I asked her if her DH was making her say these things and she said “no”. I’m not sure if this is true. She said we can still be friends but I have to stop this “vendetta” against her DH.

A few days later, still heartbroken, I decided I’d had enough and her marriage had imposed too much on my own life. With DH’s support I texted her to say I couldn’t be her friend anymore. She had gaslighted me, and taken me for granted and she was on her own. I then blocked her on everything and haven’t seen her since. Luckily my uncle was v understanding and didn’t pursue her for her contractual obligations.

That was 3 years ago. I don’t talk about it because I feel so bruised emotionally from it and I tell people we drifted apart. We then moved away shortly after that (for different reasons) which made the cut-off easier.

Anyway caught up with my mum today and she said “You haven’t spoken about Kate in ages. You used to mention her all the time”. I told her the whole story.

I’ve come away feeling sick with guilt. My mum made me feel really awful - said I shouldn’t have given up on my friend and I should have bided my time before bringing it up again. That “That poor woman and those 2 girls are stuck with that vile man and you’re doing nothing about it”. My mum was in an abusive marriage (albeit a violent one as well) and said “so called friends like me” who bolted when her stories became too much are people she will never forgive or forget. That of you know bad things are happening it’s your obligation to stop them, and I gave up too soon.

FWIW. DH looks now and again on social media and Kate and her DH are still together.

I now feel so guilty and confused and second guessing my decision I was otherwise so sure about for 3 years. Please tell me MN honestly - WIBU to cut Kate off? Should I try and reach out to her? My mum gave me a new perspective and I honestly feel sick with what I did.

OP posts:
LellyLov · 14/04/2025 08:55

You did your best to be honest. I’d try move on from it that’s the life she’s chose now unfortunately.

SugarPlumpFairyCakes · 14/04/2025 09:19

".... What is OP supposed to do then?- nothing she can say or do is right."

Exactly this.

Op, I still think you're better off withdrawing from this friendship.

You're not responsible for saving her and yet if you do withdraw from her friendship, you're adding to the isolation tactics of her h.

You cannot win. Win is the wrong word obviously.

Given that friendship with this woman means you are pulled into her daily distress from this awful man and yet your help is not welcome or is regarded as pushing her into action for which she is not ready, I don't see what other option you have but to fade from view really. Perhaps until she is ready to leave.

NeedsMustNet · 14/04/2025 10:47

The problem is the domestic abuse and controlling behaviour.
Having supported a number of women through this, I know that it warps them and their convictions / sense of reality to a point where they become different people and where healthy selfishness is not something they can put on, for a time.
And tragically of course their partners have picked them because they are kind, nice, forgiving, selfless and all of the other features that mean they can then lose themselves in an abusive marriage.
Therapists try not to tell their patients to leave abusive marriages / jobs because it caused their patients to become defensive and react against the advice. And when you are a friend to a DV victim, there is the same very slender tight rope, which can be hugely frustrating.

You did over and above your best!! Your mum doesn’t know what you went through and has over identified with your friend, understandably.

NeedsMustNet · 14/04/2025 10:51

I try to allow my daughter ample room at home to not be nice and compliant in, having seen what 360 degree caregiving does to women (I haven’t supported any male victims of DV, and don’t know if this is true for all - it has been true for those I’ve supported) who have grown up being praised and rewarded for fixing everyone else’s emotional and relationship problems and who then reach adult life not being able to access anger, healthy boundaries, active roles in friendships etc..

FlowerFairy12 · 14/04/2025 10:59

Friends can only do so much. I came very close to losing my friend group when I was in my first marriage as I leaned very heavily on them (they were great) It took my closest friend to have a strong word with me and say that if I didn’t move on from him then I’d eventually lose them as well. I was pretty cross with her at the time as well but, guess what, I’m still friends with them whilst he’s still the knob he always was 🤷‍♀️ Looking back, it must have been hard to say that to me but I’m glad she did. I’m not sure I’d have had the guts to say it to someone!

Rosebushes · 14/04/2025 11:04

I fell out with a close friend of mine years ago becuase she was in a controlling / abusive / cheating relationship. At first I liked him, actually saw him as a friend. Then the cracks started to show. She used to come to me in tears telling me all the bad stuff he’d done.

I tried to support her to leave him, but she never did. She would be on the verge of leaving him and all of a sudden they’d be absolutely fine and she’d expect me to just get on with it and go out together like nothing has happened.

One day she told me he had cheated on her, that she wanted to leave. I told her I was on her side, that I couldn’t keep seeing her like this. I sat with her and spoke about everything for hours…

She then called me a couple of days later to say she needed to distance herself from me because I wasn’t supportive of her relationship, that her boyfriend knew I didn’t want them together and I had stopped accepting him. I was confused and shocked, and said “But you wanted to leave him? You come to me all the time saying how unhappy you are”

Moral of the story - you can only do so much. You can only help those who want to be helped. You have to put yourself and your DC’s first. You have done all you can. Don’t let your mum make you feel guilty xx

ContraryNoodle · 14/04/2025 11:10

I would use the analogy of the principal rules when providing first aid. The cardinal rule is to not place yourself in any danger while trying to provide help. OP was being harmed and needed to insure her own safety/(emotional) health. End of.

Snoopdoggydog123 · 14/04/2025 16:08

confusedcrane · 14/04/2025 02:36

I'm coming to this with the perspective of having been someone post-DV who got cut off by a friend (we'll call her B), and also as someone who is a friend to someone in a DV situation who won't leave (call her Y).

It's easy to point the finger, but assigning blame isn't productive. There's a lot of context to unravel.

You did a lot to help her. That's admirable, but at some point it crossed into the need to save your friend to the detriment of yourself and your friendship.

Regardless of what your friend allowed, helping was always your decision. It sounds like you took on too much responsibility and it took a toll. You neglected yourself and got burned out emotionally. If you want to be a good friend, you have a responsibility TO support your friend, but not FOR her, and not to the detriment of yourself. It's not your responsibility to save her. This is very hard to extract yourself from if you care about someone. But ultimately, you are blaming her by projecting your resentment onto her because she's not doing what you want her to do, aka leaving him with your help, because it's the "right thing" for her to do.

Thing is, it's her decision. I understand how hard it is to watch as I am watching Y do the same. But no matter how much your friend tells you, you won't know the full extent, fully understand or know what's best. She does. Leaving is dangerous. She's the best person to assess the risk. She lives it, she's the expert. I understand it's hard to watch but it's not your decision or experience, it's hers.

People tend to infantilise women in DV situations as stupid and unaware of what is best for them. But they do know, and your friend seems very aware.

I did what you did with Y. I went above and beyond. It was draining me. I started to dread speaking to her. I saw myself doing what B did with me. B made me a personal project, and I appreciated her help but was also overwhelmed by it. I didn't know how to say no or disagree because I felt obliged to agree. B ended up abandoning me at a point I was so depressed I was su*dal because she felt her efforts were wasted as I was getting worse despite her help. I'm still not over the pain of that. I didn't want do to that to Y. I stepped back, saw what was happening, put in more boundaries to protect myself emotionally and once I let go this need to save Y, it got easier to support her. She still hasn't left, and that's ok.

I understand you were hurt by what she said. I would have been too. She wasn't gaslighting as that's not the definition based on your description, however I suspect her words are really her DH's as he'll be gaslighting and manipulating her, orchestrating the demise of your friendship to isolate her. She possibly did feel overwhelmed by your help as it creates an obligation for her to act when she isn't ready. She might have been pushing you away, and self-isolating as a result of the abuse (I've done this too, and looking back I confronted and cut off people I didn't want to because of ex in my ear). That put you in the firing line, and your upset at that is valid. I'm sorry you went through this, and how much it's impacted you.

But sadly, by removing yourself entirely you have contributed to the isolation that DV victims experience. I know that sounds harsh. It isn't just an abuser telling someone they can't speak to their friends. It's the self-isolation above. It's a community dropping away because they blame the victim for not leaving, not doing what they perceive as the right thing. People get frustrated and bail.

I think your mum has point. I saw you've considered reaching out to your friend. She might be angry and reject you initially. I think that's fair. But I think it's a great idea. She needs a friend, not a support worker. Try to be curious instead of looking for fault. Try to be accountable and open to discussion. Talk about it with your mum - you might know about DV but you don't really know what it's like unless you've lived it.

And how was she a friend to OP? What can she offer?

Pinkissmart · 15/04/2025 06:36

I think messaging her to ' break up with her' was unnecessary- you could have taken a step back.
I think accusing a horrifically abused woman of gaslighting was quite cruel . It's clear that somewhere in her head she feels she doesn't deserve to be treated well. If she was in her right mind, she wouldn't be with him. I think you calling her a gaslighter probably reinforced to her that she was worthless and you probably caused even more damage. There was absolutely no need.

By the way, I'm not saying that you shouldn't have stepped back from the relationship but can't see why you needed to cause hurt on they way out

TheHerboriste · 15/04/2025 06:54

I wash my hands of people like her. Your mum is dead wrong. Don’t spend another minute feeling guilty.

TheHerboriste · 15/04/2025 06:56

Pinkissmart · 15/04/2025 06:36

I think messaging her to ' break up with her' was unnecessary- you could have taken a step back.
I think accusing a horrifically abused woman of gaslighting was quite cruel . It's clear that somewhere in her head she feels she doesn't deserve to be treated well. If she was in her right mind, she wouldn't be with him. I think you calling her a gaslighter probably reinforced to her that she was worthless and you probably caused even more damage. There was absolutely no need.

By the way, I'm not saying that you shouldn't have stepped back from the relationship but can't see why you needed to cause hurt on they way out

Choosing to stay and to rear vulnerable children in an abusive marriage doesn’t exempt the woman from criticism. One can be abused AND a bad person at the same time.

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