DH buying his ex flowers for Mother’s Day?

[Roosch]

Would you be happy for your DH to buy his ex (mother of DSD) flowers on Mother’s Day?

Just saw that he basically got her the same thing as me. He did not tell me he was going to do this.

For background, DSD is 10, and we have 2 young children together.

I’m not sure how to feel, and just hoping for general advice.

I voted YABU, as I would personally prefer the sort of man who does this. However, I agree it would be better if done openly. How did you find out OP?

Doing “everything together” is very unhealthy.

You are your own people, with your own personality’s and independence.

Your husband doesn’t need to give you a “heads up” before buying his ex flowers for Mother’s Day. If my spouse was upset I hadn’t given them a “heads up” before buying a bunch of flowers for my child’s other parent I’d tell them to get a grip.

You obviously resent your SC. Which is incredibly sad. Have you spoken about your feelings with a therapist?

I understand your upset.
I get on great with my ex but I'm really careful to not buy them the kind of gifts that I'd get my partner or that are in anyway romantic. Flowers seem romantic but obviously they arent at all because it was mothers day but I can see why your visceral reaction would be upset. I would definitely have let you know I was doing this before hand.

It's great they get on and he's respectful of her at a mum, shows he's a great person who does what's best for his kid and doesn't turn into a monster just because the relationship ended.

Birthdays, valentine, Christmas you should be treated differently but I can see why he might treat you both the same on mother's day. Perhaps have a very gently conversation asking him to keep you in the picture in the future, that way , while you are both equally 'mothers', you're special status as his 'partner' is reinforced.

Why are so many women so immature and lacking in fostering, encouraging and modelling healthy relationships within blended families?

If it’s not the ‘new’ girlfriend being an insecure, jealous knob, it’s the ‘old’ one.

For once, there’s a bloke trying to do the right, healthy thing for his kids and lo and behold one of the women involved has to question and challenge it.

Nope, in the real world, second wives should behave like adults.

The child in question is only 10. The adult in this scenario needs to understand that another mother came before her.

I cannot imagine being butt hurt over some flowers on mothers day.

She doesn't have to put up with that. She's choosing to.

All she has to say is no!

Also, it's not that black and white, is it?!

"Manpanderers" is so ridiculous, I am about as far from that as you can be and saying he did the right thing here doesn't make me one.

There is clearly more going on which the OP has hinted at but not shared.

People perpetuating the idea of rivalry & hatred between current and ex partners/wives are not being helpful either.

I don't think he should obviously have run it past her first. I don't think that makes me a manpanderer.

My SIL brought my Ex SILs mother's day present this year. I think it's nice of him. I think what would be even nicer would be to involve his child in the gift giving. My girls are much younger and they pick our gifts. Thet are taken to the shop with a budget and chose their own cards and gifts. They might be random but they are from the children.

Sorry if I missed it but the note with the flowers was from him or from DSD?

Also, why are you often left with all three children? Doesn’t sound very fair on you plus makes his DD’s contact time fairly pointless.

I wish my ex done this for me, he does nothing doesn't even pay for his.
You've got a good man there, he's done nothing wrong.

I think this shows that he is a thoughtful person. I think it is important to demonstrate an amicable relationship. In addition, his child is 10 - she needs someone to buy for gift on her behalf.

Until ds was about 14/15 and sorted out his own card, exh would always chose flowers online with ds and have them sent to me. Same with Christmas and birthday cards and chocolate.

I did the same for exh. It’s just nice and a really postibe thing for children with divorced parents to see.

ETA - my husband also took ds to get me something. So yay, double gifts! My husband had no problem with exh choosing something for me from ds.

But it's not behind your back as it doesn't involve you. Their joint kids aren't old enough to buy and pay for their own gifts, so it's a given, no?

imagine you and your partner splitting, and you getting a grand gesture of nothing on Mother's Day from kids you share.

he's done absolutely nothing wrong Behind your back would be telling you he's not doing it, then doing it. Or doing it and lying to you.

I'd like to think that presumably he once loved her mother and they brought a child into the world together, so he wants to ensure she still feels celebrated on mother's day and helps his child out with facilitating that.

I wish more co-parents were more amicable. It's better for everyone involved. And if a new partner can't cope with a decent relationship with their partner's children, they should never have gotten involved in the first place.

I don't know how I would feel but my own DD is stepmum to lovely DC. They live with their mum and stay with DD and DSiL for the holidays. DD doesn't have any children of her own. On Mother's Day DSiL made a lovely post about the mums in his life - the DC's mum, his own mum, my DD and me as his mother in law. I thought it was a lovely way to include everyone. The DC are too young to do anything about Mother's Day themselves so I think it was appropriate for DSiL to acknowledge their mum.

I don't see the issue. Shows he appreciates his child's mother, like he should.
It was for mother's day, not valentines.
Unless there is more to this that you haven't said?
Plenty of people split up but are still good friends, or even if they're not, can co parent well and appreciate what the other does.

I personally would admire a man who treats the mother of his children with respect on mothers day especially if this mother is his ex . It's really important for children to see that there parents can be friends following a split good on him.

This.

Why would you need to know though?

I think more divorced couples should be like Steven Spielberg and Amy Irving.

Sounds like a good man and father

@Roosch wow what an amazing thoughtful DH you have.

He is doing this for his daughter, not his ex, so YABVU to even question this.

It is not healthy for this bloke to keep dumping all three kids onto his second wife. This guy is immature, and lacking in fostering and modelling healthy relationships within blended families by swanning off and leaving OP with DSD regularly.

Good men and fathers don't keep leaving the second wife to look after all the kids on their own while they swan off.