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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DH buying his ex flowers for Mother’s Day?

286 replies

Roosch · 06/04/2025 11:57

Would you be happy for your DH to buy his ex (mother of DSD) flowers on Mother’s Day?

Just saw that he basically got her the same thing as me. He did not tell me he was going to do this.

For background, DSD is 10, and we have 2 young children together.

I’m not sure how to feel, and just hoping for general advice.

OP posts:
crumblingschools · 06/04/2025 12:47

He is treating his DC the same.

Jade1985101 · 06/04/2025 12:48

He bought flowers for his kid to give to there mother on Mother’s Day he is a good parent

Original poster
Roosch · 06/04/2025 12:49

Thanks for helping me get over it everyone.
Appreciate it!

Wish I could advise my younger self (and anyone considering it) against falling in love with single parents though.

Currently am looking after all 3 kids (often do) and I have never had any acknowledgment from DSD, and never met her mum (despite invitations).

OP posts:
TwentyTwentyFive · 06/04/2025 12:49

Roosch · 06/04/2025 12:40

Thanks to those that have been kind.
It’s just a small gesture but maybe I do need to look into why I’m feeling funny.

I think I would have preferred to be given the heads up because of the way he always says that we do everything together, I am his everything etc. I think I would have been pleased if told, but by not being told it does feel behind my back (just found out now).

I do feel it’s not possible to have the type of partnership he describes when there is a DSC involved.

You sound incredibly insecure and immature to be honest. He's treating the mothers on his children the same which makes sense as neither of you is more important than the other.

If you're finding it hard coming second to him prioritising his existing child then that's very much a you problem.

PeriPeriMam · 06/04/2025 12:49

Have a long hard think about why you feel this way. How would you want him to act towards you if you split up one day? Respectfully? Considerately? And what behaviour would you want him to model to your children?

If he gets her valentine's gifts you have a good cause for questioning it but it's MOTHERS DAY.

housethatbuiltme · 06/04/2025 12:51

Whats the back story that makes you even ask?

A £5 bunch of flowers from the supermarket is absoloutly normal and a green flag of being a good dad who supports his DD and has a decent parenting relationship with his ex.

A £60 bunch of specially ordered flowers using your money as he has no job, no income and is a cocklodger drowning in debt... maybe you can be pissed off but that would be quite an extreme senario.

goldenretrieverenergy · 06/04/2025 12:51

He is being a good parent, you are acting like a petty partner.

It seems like you don’t feel secure in your relationship, maybe something to think about and work on.

Why wouldn’t he treat all his DC the same way?

crumblingschools · 06/04/2025 12:51

So were you default babysitter before you had DC with him?

This is so much more than about flowers

How much parenting does he (for any of his DC)? Where is he at the moment?

category12 · 06/04/2025 12:51

Roosch · 06/04/2025 12:40

Thanks to those that have been kind.
It’s just a small gesture but maybe I do need to look into why I’m feeling funny.

I think I would have preferred to be given the heads up because of the way he always says that we do everything together, I am his everything etc. I think I would have been pleased if told, but by not being told it does feel behind my back (just found out now).

I do feel it’s not possible to have the type of partnership he describes when there is a DSC involved.

But him buying flowers on behalf of his child doesn't take anything away from any of that?

I mean, the flowers you got from him for mother's day were also on behalf of dc, not a romantic gesture on his part, just ensuring the day was acknowledged?

Cognacsoft · 06/04/2025 12:52

Why are you looking after dsd on a Sunday?
Do you help out occasionally or is he offloading his dc onto you?
If it’s the latter then that’s not ok.

Clairey1986 · 06/04/2025 12:52

I think it shows he’s a wonderful man who appreciates the woman being the mother of his child. I’d be disappointed if my DH didn’t ensure his child’s parent had a gift on Mother’s Day.

That said I can understand why you might feel a bit miffed. Maybe if he’d told you it would be better.

Orangesinthebag · 06/04/2025 12:53

Another who thinks he did the right thing and to buy similar things too.

Imagine how his older child would have felt if he bought her mum a tiny present or no present at all & then she came to your house and saw a huge bouquet of flowers?

In my mind he is trying to do the right thing here & is trying to show his children that he respects their mothers equally.

As to not meeting his ex, why do you need to?
Or is there a long back story here that you are about to reveal?

WaryHiker · 06/04/2025 12:54

I'd be worried if he bought you both the same flowers for Valentine's Day, but not for Mother's Day.

Having said that, it would have been thoughtful of him to have got something extra just for you as you are his wife.

ARichtGoodDram · 06/04/2025 12:55

Roosch · 06/04/2025 12:49

Thanks for helping me get over it everyone.
Appreciate it!

Wish I could advise my younger self (and anyone considering it) against falling in love with single parents though.

Currently am looking after all 3 kids (often do) and I have never had any acknowledgment from DSD, and never met her mum (despite invitations).

A 10 year old isn't going to thank her dad's partner for looking after her. Why would they?

You're doing him a favour, not the child

blubberyboo · 06/04/2025 12:55

He didn't want his daughter to feel left out or embarrassed by not having a gift to give on MD. He treated all his kids the same.

What is your problem? Would you rather the 10 year old girl went out and worked a shift somewhere to pay for it then walked to the supermarket herself?

Cornettoninja · 06/04/2025 12:56

ARichtGoodDram · 06/04/2025 12:55

A 10 year old isn't going to thank her dad's partner for looking after her. Why would they?

You're doing him a favour, not the child

Show quote history

Exactly. Children go where they’re told to, they rarely have an input into what the adults have decided.

Orangesinthebag · 06/04/2025 12:56

WaryHiker · 06/04/2025 12:54

I'd be worried if he bought you both the same flowers for Valentine's Day, but not for Mother's Day.

Having said that, it would have been thoughtful of him to have got something extra just for you as you are his wife.

Edited

No, he doesn't need to do that at all.

He can show his appreciation of his wife all year round & hopefully he does.

This is Mothers Day, it's nothing to with wives, girlfriends, exes.

Swirlythingy2025 · 06/04/2025 12:57

ill admit no kids between us but this year because me and the ex had been chatting a bit more i wished her happy mothers etc.

InternetUser · 06/04/2025 12:58

I can see this is harder as you have never met DSD mum despite invitations. Is there anyway you can build bridges?
Next year could you bring up Mother’s Day in advance and see if you can help DSD to choose something for her mum.
My DC choose something for me but ex/ex’s wife will get & pay for it.
I always thank them.
I think this would be easier for you if it comes from DSD rather than your DH and it isn’t hidden.

Coffeeishot · 06/04/2025 13:00

It shows he Is a decent father doesn't it? it isn't his daughters fault that her parents are no longer together, and his new wife is a bit insecure, Because that Is what it is insecurity.

AliBaliBee1234 · 06/04/2025 13:04

Why couldn't he give her money to gift her mum? I'd be annoyed if he just bought duplicate gifts tbh.

Goldyyup · 06/04/2025 13:05

Why are you looking after all 3 kids? DSD is there to spend time with her father.

Newgirls · 06/04/2025 13:08

Honestly this all sounds ok. He’s being a good dad which is what you want for your own kids.

Why would you even want to meet his ex? Just get on with your own life.

MyGingerNinja · 06/04/2025 13:13

Me and my ex always get things for our daughter to give us for Father's/Mother's day .. surely this is the decent thing to do..they are from the child not him directly.

cestlavielife · 06/04/2025 13:16

"Currently am looking after all 3 kids (often do) and I have never had any acknowledgment from DSD, and never met her mum (despite invitations)."

Why would you expect dsd to be grateful or to acknowledge what you do? ?
The only people who should thank you are your dh
Kids will never appreciate what you do until they much older and have their own dc and realise what is involved! It us unreality expect a 10 year old toacknowledge your efforts. She is just being told today soandso islooking after you. She has no choice

As you said you took this on
If you have issues talk to dh