To feel peeved house guests don't bring anything

[Achurchi]

We are a family of four and have friends who frequently come to stay for the weekend (one adult and child), and we're never invited back...they make excuses such as they have cats and "oh you don't want to come because you're allergic" which is true, but I can also take antihistamine so it's not really a problem. I am increasingly feeling that they are just using us as we live in London and see us a free ride for a free weekend in the Capital! This has been going on for almost a decade and it is now seriously affecting our friendship.
When they come to ours (they basically invite themselves), they never bring anything with them...no bottle of wine or chocs, nothing. We're expected to fund the weekend's food and drink. My friend is always claiming to have no money, when in reality she has been given hundreds of thousands of pounds' inheritance which she has burnt through and then got herself into debt and had to be bailed out by her mum (multiple times). But we obviously can't say anything about that, and have to pretend she's on the breadline so that's why she can't contribute to the weekend. She's a single parent so always uses that as the reason she has no money (it's definitely not true).
I'm in the kitchen prepping food for the kids (which our friend dictates as they're fussy eaters) and then I'm cooking for the adults, all weekend. And we do all the tidying up etc. Her child gets up v early and wakes us up whilst my friend continues sleeping in until 930/10am. It's exhausting and I end up feeling that I've been taken advantage of, and feel very resentful.
If I confronted my friend about any of this, I know she'd be very upset and I'd end up feeling guilty so I feel I can't say anything. She has a history of poor mental health. What would you do? Tell her we're not hosting them anymore for all of the reasons above, or something else?? It's starting to really affect our friendship. They're here this weekend, and all of the above is/has happened again and my friend has just started talking about the next time they're coming to stay! Help!!!

Is it your house? Yes.
Is it your decision if they stay the weekend? Yes.
Is it your choice to host them? Yes.
is it your choice to make all the food and cater for them? Yes
Is it your choice to enable their poor behaviour? Yea.

So there seems to be one word missing….oh yeah….NO!

YABU because you won’t have a grownup conversation and are enabling this to happen while then feeling sorry for yourself.

Are you mad? The first time this happened in my house would have been the last.

No need to be nasty or feel guilty, just something like “We’re finding house guests are just leaving us knackered for the week ahead and we’ve decided not to host for the foreseeable. We’d be really happy to meet for a walk/ meal if you’re around though, just let me know.”

OP in the nicest possible way stop being a doormat as previous posters have said. This message is exactly what you should send.

I disagree that “culturally” the host pays.

It is more culturally common surely for the guest to bring wine and pay for a takeaway or meal out?

This.

She is not sufficiently on the breadline to travel to your house and presumably enjoy being in London.

At home she would also have to pay for he own and child’s food. If she wants to dictate the menu then she provides the food and cooks it.

You say you can’t mention her blowing her inheritance…why?

You’ve spent a decade enabling this and tiptoeing around her because you don’t want to upset her?

She doesn’t mind upsetting and using you.

As noted above I rarely encourage CF’s because at the whiff of a pisstake I’m out.

Rather than reflect on your “Friends” behaviour I think you need to consider why you have put up with this for so long. So I also voted YABU.

This.
no one makes you let them come.
no one makes you cook them meals.
no one makes you look after their child (for gods sake send them straight back to their mother)
only you can stop being a martyr and say no.

There are some guest that when I confirm the visit or arrival, I text and say - I’ll need you to get 2 bottles of XYZ Rose (they have this at Sainsbury that you will drive past on the way), drinks for kids and a dessert for 6 people. If they have a vegan, gluten free etc … I might ask them to get suitable breakfast / dessert etc for them.

Then I thank them profusely for buying… if they forget. I send them back for it because … I have no dessert, no wine or whatever else I asked them to bring.

OP- I live in a lovely tourist area. A tourist area that holds a very famous and major event annually. trust me, I really really know and understand using 'friends' who use you as a base and take advantage. I also have a very long experience of people who refuse to take no for an answer. DH is more generous than I am and even MORE of a people pleaser.

After 18 years of being infuriated at being taken advantage of by using ingrates the answer was simple. I ordered a skip and dumped the spare beds and turned the spare bedroom into my DCs playroom and study area.

Job done. Our big festival is in the summer and we usually have people call up round about May saying 'Oh we must catch up!' .. then mentioning they could come and stay. Pity we don't have any beds. We actually had the first run last week- someone who I have not physically spoken to since before Covid who will be attending a wedding in our general area and rang me up asking to stay for a couple of nights. Sorry- no beds. I suspect this will help weed out the fairweather using friends tbh.

Before she leaves today let her know that you're going to cut back on hosting. You don't need to explain why, but if you want to then people here have given lots of good ideas. Don't magic up excuses though, just be honest. You're finding it a lot of work and quite expensive. You need more time to yourselves. Keep to the truth. You can do it, and the first time you do you'll feel proud of yourself.

The modern way is that a guest is expected to pay for a takeaway.

I was brought up to believe that guest brings a gift as a thank you - flowers, wine and/or chocolates, and then the host hosts. Ie, provides all the food, snacks, makes the beds (and strips the beds afterwards). That includes doing all the clearing up and washing up. It’s nice for the guests to offer to help, but they’re your ‘guests’ not your ‘employees’ (for want of a better word).

However, when the visits are as frequent as these seem to be, there definitely should be more give and take, and definitely a gift!

Letting her have a place to crash after a day in London is one thing but footing the bill
for her stay too for a whole decade makes you unreasonable.

OP I feel you! We have friends who behave very similarly.

They are a couple with 1 child the same age as our oldest and thd kids play nicely together otherwise I think I'd have given up on our friendship a long time ago.

We don't live in a desirable weekend location like you though, but they arrive and then do zero parenting for however long they are here. Its very frustrating so we don't have them over often because we just get too annoyed with being taken the piss out of

Wasn’t sure what the voting criteria was, but I voted YABU for being so wet about putting your foot down and saying no. I can’t abide ‘people pleasers’ in any way, shape or form.

Time to find your voice and tell her to fuck off OP 👌🏻

“If I confronted my friend about any of this, I know she'd be very upset and I'd end up feeling guilty so I feel I can't say anything. She has a history of poor mental health. What would you do?”

Your feelings of ‘guilt’ are why you’re in this situation. Stop being a pathetic people pleaser. YABU.

I’ve just had some people to stay. Not the first time. They brought generous gifts. I paid for a night out and all stuff at home, nice wine, food , cooked breakfast etc.

They took me out for another dinner and I took them out for lunch and they sneaked off to pay the bill. they are welcome back anytime because they haven’t taken advantage.

@SummerFeverVenice

What ‘culture’ is this then? It’s not my culture 🤷‍♀️

I voted YABU because of this. If not comfortable saying no t's not hard to pretend to have plans for the weekend is it

She's not being much of a friend to you. You need to decide if you want this person as a friend any longer! Tell her how you feel put upon and explain that she needs to post towards the weekend or you just 'can't afford' her staying with you any more. If she's a good friend she will understand and you can go from there. If she won't Ebenezer consider it then she's not worthy of being your friend.

they make excuses such as they have cats and "oh you don't want to come because you're allergic" which is true, but I can also take antihistamine so it's not really a problem.

But does she know that? Have you ever actually said 'yes, but I can bear it for a day or two with an antihistamine, so we'd love to come. When is a good time?'

Because if not, then she can't really be blamed for not realising that.

Pick a window of a few weeks so she has plenty of date options and can't pretend she's busy on all of them and say 'thinking of coming to see you in May/June for a couple of nights. Don't worry about the cats, I'll dose up on Piriton. When are you free for us to come?'

If she immediately makes every excuse under the sun and won't commit to any of the dates, then you have your answer.

Next time she mentions coming to you, just say 'sorry, we decided not to have people staying over any more. We've turned the spare room into an office, no spare bed/whatever excuse you can come up with.

Or just be brave and honest. Say 'We'd love to see you but you'll have to get a hotel or stay with someone else. We aren't hosting anyone any more. It's just too exhausting/expensive/time consuming so we've decided to knock all that on the head. But anyway, if you are still coming to the city, let me know and I'll come and meet you for lunch or something.'

It's not really about them not contributing. You don't want them to come, which is fair enough because it's bloody hard work having them. So be brave and say it - she's mentioning coming next time. Reply that you've got a lot coming up in the next few months, you'll let her know when you're free. If you let them come back the rules need to change completely. Give her a shopping list. Wake her up when her daughter gets up. Call her into the kitchen to help. Give her jobs - 'Could you just clear the table and stick it in the dishwasher while I sort out the pudding please'.

You could even say - how about we come to you next time?

I'd tell her you love seeing her but with (whatever excuse eg age / menopause / work / kids / elderly parents / life) it's really taking it out of you hosting people at the moment. And suggest meeting somewhere in the middle or a day trip somewhere.

Err say no?

It’s been going on for ‘almost a decade’. That is the OP’s fault - she has let it happen. If that’s me victim blaming her then fine, I’ll hold my hand up. Assuming this is a legitimate post.

You are unreasonable as you have let this happen. I can’t believe how much of a doormat you’ve been.

Moving forward: from now on her visits just down work because you’ve too many commitments on. And repeat.

Keep it vague and aloof. Freeloader will get the message eventually.

It's been going on 10 whole years? How have you not said anything like you bring wine and desert and I'll cook one night. The 2nd night we'll share a takeaway and put in £20 each?

Blimey, the kids must be old enough by now to prepare snacks and tidy up even if the parent doesn't!

Have the courage to say something instead of pretending you're not available, you'll feel better for it.