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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To feel peeved house guests don't bring anything

265 replies

Achurchi · 06/04/2025 11:31

We are a family of four and have friends who frequently come to stay for the weekend (one adult and child), and we're never invited back...they make excuses such as they have cats and "oh you don't want to come because you're allergic" which is true, but I can also take antihistamine so it's not really a problem. I am increasingly feeling that they are just using us as we live in London and see us a free ride for a free weekend in the Capital! This has been going on for almost a decade and it is now seriously affecting our friendship.
When they come to ours (they basically invite themselves), they never bring anything with them...no bottle of wine or chocs, nothing. We're expected to fund the weekend's food and drink. My friend is always claiming to have no money, when in reality she has been given hundreds of thousands of pounds' inheritance which she has burnt through and then got herself into debt and had to be bailed out by her mum (multiple times). But we obviously can't say anything about that, and have to pretend she's on the breadline so that's why she can't contribute to the weekend. She's a single parent so always uses that as the reason she has no money (it's definitely not true).
I'm in the kitchen prepping food for the kids (which our friend dictates as they're fussy eaters) and then I'm cooking for the adults, all weekend. And we do all the tidying up etc. Her child gets up v early and wakes us up whilst my friend continues sleeping in until 930/10am. It's exhausting and I end up feeling that I've been taken advantage of, and feel very resentful.
If I confronted my friend about any of this, I know she'd be very upset and I'd end up feeling guilty so I feel I can't say anything. She has a history of poor mental health. What would you do? Tell her we're not hosting them anymore for all of the reasons above, or something else?? It's starting to really affect our friendship. They're here this weekend, and all of the above is/has happened again and my friend has just started talking about the next time they're coming to stay! Help!!!

OP posts:
CalmTheFuckDownMargaret · 06/04/2025 14:46

OP, you’ve been too nice for too long. It’s 100% in her favour and she’s utterly selfish. There really is only one way to make this stop and that is the ‘ripping off the sticking plaster’ approach where you have to tell her that there will be no more stays. You could say that you’ve been glad to have given her nice stays at yours for a decade but it won’t be an option any more; you’ve had your fill of hosting because it takes time and energy that you can’t really spare any more.

I like the ‘time marches on’ comment above. I think I’d approach it from the angle that things change - ten years of this is an awfully long time and it no longer works in your life / doesn’t take into account your needs.

uncomfortablydumb60 · 06/04/2025 14:50

It’s time to say NO.. She is massively taking the piss. You’re right, she is using you for free weekends away.. and to entertain her DD
Don’t worry about upsetting her when you say no.
She’s got a thicker skin than you think.

wordler · 06/04/2025 15:00

Well if you don’t want to be blunt and honest and tell her the truth about how it’s making you feel then you have two options:

— be consistently unavailable for a while

— the next time she stays don’t let her take advantage - her kid gets up in the morning send her in to wake up her mother on repeat. Call her into the kitchen and give her specific jobs for meal prep and clean up. Don’t have wine, special treats, picky kid food in the house and if she complains send her in the direction of the supermarket.

HellDorado · 06/04/2025 15:00

If I confronted my friend about any of this, I know she'd be very upset and I'd end up feeling guilty so I feel I can't say anything.

I see so many posts like this. It essentially translates to “I want things to change without having to do or say anything and without her getting offended or the friendship being affected”. These wants and outcomes are not compatible.

You HAVE to do or say something. It doesn’t have to be as blunt as “Get a hotel and stopping scoffing all my nosh, you fat freeloading cow”, but you do need to be clear that you no longer have the capacity to host this often and so fully.

healthybychristmas · 06/04/2025 15:12

How can you enjoy the company of someone who treats you so badly? How can you look forward to them arriving? How can you actually swallow the food when they are taking money and time from your family like that? Just say no! Just say it's not convenient. To be honest I would've ended the friendship a long time ago. She is just using you.

Xwx1010 · 06/04/2025 15:15

I’m sorry if this is harsh but:

If you constantly avoid speaking up and expressing how you feel because someone might get upset or fear of conflict then you are effectively saying - their needs/wants/feelings are more important than yours and you’ll continuously feel invisible or get walked all over.
It’s time you said no and consider yourself and your family instead of being a doormat for others.

SemmaLina · 06/04/2025 15:16

You’re being unreasonable, because you should have put some boundaries in place before now

No , doesn’t suit me

Don't apologise
Don’t excuse
Don’t explain

No , that doesn’t suit me

HeySnoodie · 06/04/2025 15:18

When she suggests a date, tell her you’ll come to her house and will just take antihistamines .

EdithStourton · 06/04/2025 15:22

We had a relative who was similar. From experience OP, just say no, it doesn't work for you, and she'll quite likely never ask again.

Lucelady · 06/04/2025 15:29

We had a house quest who wouldn't leave (big country house). We told him we were having lodgers to help pay the bills.
He left then as he didn't want to pay. I would tell your friend you won't have a spare room shortly as you're letting it out due to COL.
You could register with the unis and big employers if you fancy the extra cash.
My friends tend to bring plenty it's my family who don't!

Thisisittheapocalypse · 06/04/2025 15:34

She's not your friend. You know that right?

MayaPinion · 06/04/2025 15:36

Keep banging on about going to hers - every single time.

’It’s definitely your turn to host.’
’No, we’ll come to you.’
’Ah no. We’re always hosting. It’s so boring now. Well come to you instead.’
’I’ll take an antihistamine.’
’When can we come visit? You’re always coming to us. It’s about time we returned the favour.’
’I Insist. It’s been too long since we visited Craggy Island.’
’I want to take turn about from now on. I don’t like hosting all the time. It’s too much work and money.’
’No, we’d rather visit you.’

Over and over. She’ll likely stop suggesting frequent meet ups when you keep insisting on visiting her. But you need to be firm.

MummaMummaMumma · 06/04/2025 15:42

" I think it's definitely your turn to host us! Don't worry about your cat."
"Sorry but it's so much work when you come, I end up doing everything for you."
"No, it costs me a fortune when you stay."
When her kid wakes you up early tell them to go and wake them mum!
She's taking the piss.

Wimbledonmum1985 · 06/04/2025 15:51

YABU for putting up with it.

‘No, it doesn’t suit us’ over and over. No explanation required.

bevm72yellow · 06/04/2025 15:51

You do not have to say "No". You can demonstrate no with your actions. E.g. stop being polite and friendly on the phone. Just be plain Jane not enthusiastic just indifferent to conversations. Next if she holds you on the phone say....the kids are calling me, " oh yes yes" then excuse yourself to deal with the cat/ dog/ budgie...about to eat food or walking somewhere it not supposed to be. Then go back to the phone and conversation restarts then become distracted by the cat/ dog/ budgie and go again to deal with it. If she arrives at your door pick up laundry basket / brush and limit conversation as you are obviously busy.get on with housework and limit conversation as she will want an audience/ entertainer/ host. Do not put tea on. Again busy. If she asks about staying on phone or text.....slowly take time to ignore the calls....answer the occasional one when she does get you...then she will query about staying say" say it does not suit" " it doesn't work for us as a family/ couple"...." I will get back to you"....delay getting back then " it doesn't work for us" . Her backlash may be " you have no time for me" or " child needs a treat" ....answer with " oh yes I understand " ..........like I said its not working for us.....

bevm72yellow · 06/04/2025 15:54

It is called " freeloading " and you can manage the freeloader. Plus your kids will learn how to do it too when it happens to them

CremeEggThief · 06/04/2025 15:55

YABU for putting up with this OP. Grow a backbone and learn how to say no.

StScholastica · 06/04/2025 15:57

BrassyPalm · 06/04/2025 11:37

I could only read half of this. I can’t stand people who martyr themselves and just can’t say no. It’s that simple OP - don’t let them stay.

Ouch.
Let's not victim blame here.
OP is kind but is being taken advantage of and you have no idea of the kind of life experiences that have led to her lack of confidence..
She's asking for help in being more assertive, She doesn't need telling that you can't stand people like her.

bevm72yellow · 06/04/2025 15:59

The being upset behaviour is a method of making you feel guilty .....plus she won't have a breakdown because you have changed your ways. A genuine friend would appreciate your efforts and come with food.

fruitbrewhaha · 06/04/2025 16:01

Half of mumsnet could be solved with a simple “no”.

We’ll come in June. No.

Just tell her. It’s too much work hosting you, you eat all our food, I run around after you and look after your kid while you’re in bed. No, not happening anymore.

Rainbowpug · 06/04/2025 16:03

Are you crazy
I wouldn't of allowed that to happen even once.
Friendship is a two way street ,yours is one way ,and not in your direction.
She's using you for free housing ,food and childcare.
I guarantee when you stop this situation,you won't hear from her
She was never your friend,she doesn't care about your feelings,or she would of made the situation fair ..

Rainbowpug · 06/04/2025 16:07

This is the second thread I've read today about single mums with a child taking advantage
,the other thread is one who's friend has decided to join her on holiday and gets left babysitting the child .
I think some people are taking advantage of the.... it takes a village to raise a child.... school of thought
Actually no
You have a child ,your responsible for him /her

pinkdelight · 06/04/2025 16:19

Half of mumsnet could be solved with a simple “no”.

This should be on a banner at the top of every thread. Like the talk guidelines - 'Before you post, have you considered that the answer to your problem is by simply saying no.' Then a link to some online self-assertiveness resources. Revolutionary!

Sourgherkin · 06/04/2025 16:21

look up martyrdom in the dictionary…. And this scenario could quite possibly be used as an example

FortyElephants · 06/04/2025 16:22

Stop agreeing for them to stay! Tell them you've decided you can't host people any longer as it's too tiring and time consuming but you'd be delighted to meet them for a meal out when they are next in London.