To feel peeved house guests don't bring anything

[Achurchi]

We are a family of four and have friends who frequently come to stay for the weekend (one adult and child), and we're never invited back...they make excuses such as they have cats and "oh you don't want to come because you're allergic" which is true, but I can also take antihistamine so it's not really a problem. I am increasingly feeling that they are just using us as we live in London and see us a free ride for a free weekend in the Capital! This has been going on for almost a decade and it is now seriously affecting our friendship.
When they come to ours (they basically invite themselves), they never bring anything with them...no bottle of wine or chocs, nothing. We're expected to fund the weekend's food and drink. My friend is always claiming to have no money, when in reality she has been given hundreds of thousands of pounds' inheritance which she has burnt through and then got herself into debt and had to be bailed out by her mum (multiple times). But we obviously can't say anything about that, and have to pretend she's on the breadline so that's why she can't contribute to the weekend. She's a single parent so always uses that as the reason she has no money (it's definitely not true).
I'm in the kitchen prepping food for the kids (which our friend dictates as they're fussy eaters) and then I'm cooking for the adults, all weekend. And we do all the tidying up etc. Her child gets up v early and wakes us up whilst my friend continues sleeping in until 930/10am. It's exhausting and I end up feeling that I've been taken advantage of, and feel very resentful.
If I confronted my friend about any of this, I know she'd be very upset and I'd end up feeling guilty so I feel I can't say anything. She has a history of poor mental health. What would you do? Tell her we're not hosting them anymore for all of the reasons above, or something else?? It's starting to really affect our friendship. They're here this weekend, and all of the above is/has happened again and my friend has just started talking about the next time they're coming to stay! Help!!!

Yes, she is using you for free accommodation so she can have weekends in London whenever she feels like it. I don't think there's any denying that. Everyone who lives somewhere tourist friendly who has a spare room will have experienced it. You're not alone.

But the real problem isn't your friend, it's your inability to cope with your own feelings. That's what you're actually avoiding - feeling a bit guilty. Guilt is just a feeling. It's nothing to be afraid of. Chances are it won't be as bad as you're expecting and it won't even last that long. You might even find that what you actually feel when you tell her that a visit doesn't work for you is a sense of relief. The first time will be the hardest. All the ones after that will be easy.

If you keep avoiding guilt you're get resentment instead (it seems like you're already there, TBH) and resentment is far worse than guilt.

It is perfectly reasonable for you to say a visit doesn't work for you. Let her be annoyed or disappointed. She can cope with that, can't she? The best thing is to keep practising your response so you have it ready next time she asks, then it won't feel like you're caught on the back foot. Make the decision now and tell yourself it's already done. The alternative, if you're worried that you'll cave, is to message her now, and say you won't be able to host her any more. Again, her feelings about this are her problem, not yours. It is your house and you are allowed to decide who stays with you.

It appears OP has stopped using her words even on her own thread.

I have voted YABU for letting this go on for a decade

‘Sorry, but I can’t cope with hosting any more - it’s just too tiring.’

Just make an excuse about why she can’t stay and arrange a meet up instead?

If I confronted my friend about any of this, I know she'd be very upset and I'd end up feeling guilty so I feel I can't say anything What exactly would she be upset about? The fact that you don’t want to host so much? Or the fact that you’ve seen her as being a bit of a ponce. She’s quite happy using you as her own, unpaid, personal hotel/restaurant/cleaning/babysitting service, and you’re worrying about hurting her feelings? What’s she bringing to the table? Is she a huge source of emotional support to you? Is she so entertaining that you wake up with aching muscles from having laughed so much? Does she insist on babysitting so you and your DH can go out for the night, safe in the knowledge that your DC are perfectly safe? Is this an equal friendship? Has this ever been an equal friendship?

What would you do? Mate, I love you, but you’re taking the piss a bit. It’s a lot of extra money and work having you here and I’m starting to feel like I’m a base for you to have a nice weekend in the capital, rather than you wanting to spend time with me.

If you’re not ready to stand up to her, then; I’m not sure on our dates at the moment so I’ll let you know when’s best for us. Sorry friend, we can’t afford to host atm. Sorry friend, I’m knackered with so much going on during the week. Sorry friend, we’re not up for having anyone stay atm. I can either meet you half way or I can take antihistamines and come to you for the weekend

Some people feel more comfortable telling lies than being confrontational @MrsJoanDanvers. It’s the end result which is the goal. We’re all behind OP, just offering different strategies.
Those who are blunt and honest are often perceived to be the bad guys.

What would happen if you said "Sorry, friend, to be quite honest I'm really hurt that you come and stay often and I make a huge effort to host you and you have never once brought me so much as a bunch of supermarket flowers to thank me. I'm feeling really taken for granted and I'd like to scale the visits right back from now on".

Get a grip and stop doing it! she is taking advantage of your good nature and you are letting her. You don’t appear to get anything out of this ‘friendship’ so tip her bollocks and move on. Scrounger!

I couldn’t agree more, @FaceBlindness.

Grow a back bone and tell her to ‘fuck off’? 🤷🏻‍♀️
Why are you so desperate to remain friends with this person? You’re not responsible for making her happy.

I live in a desirable coastal location but only host people I like and invite. Anyone who tried to wrangle an invite would be told that it’s not convenient and no alternative date would be suggested. It’s really not that difficult to be straightforward and assertive.

Sorry friend, I know that you know only too well how tight things can get money wise but with everything going up so much/our recent commitment to x expense, we just cannot afford to keep hosting you both anymore and we ofc completely understand you aren't in a position to contribute to the cost, so really sorry but unfortunately we just can't host any more visitors here for a good while.

I voted you’re being unreasonable because you’re a total pushover.

You keep saying you’re busy when she poses dates 🤷🏼‍♀️

If I confronted my friend about any of this, I know she'd be very upset and I'd end up feeling guilty so I feel I can't say anything.

I voted YABU for this and for acting this way for a decade while stewing about it. If you set these expectations and go along with it and never say anything because she'd be upset and you'd feel guilty then this is as much your fault as hers. Unless you get your head around the fact that you being upset is important too, and proceed on that basis to give less of a shit about whether changing things upsets her, then you need to suck this up because it's tacitly your choice to let her use you, to take the piss, to dictate the food, to never reciprocate etc etc.

Never mind 'i feel I can't say anything.' Say something - say you're making a few changes and this time she comes... then whatever you actually want to change. Choose your own food, don't be dictated to. Say that it's been ten years and she's never even bought a bottle of wine so this time there's going to be a kitty, or you go 50/50 on food. Say you're more strapped, CoL etc and can't afford to fund her weekends any more. Say whatever you need to and don't feel guilty. She sure as hell doesn't feel guilty for trampling all over your goodwill!

I know 🤔

Why are you so scared of upsetting this CF?

"oh you don't want to come because you're allergic" which is true, but I can also take antihistamine so it's not really a problem.

So how does that conversation actually go?

"Oh you want don't to come because you're allergic."

"It's not a problem, I can take antihistamine and I do want to come. Let's pick a date now." With an added optional: "It's about time, after we've hosted you so well for 10 years!"

Good advice above but I know how difficult it is to apply it. Even if she lacks resources there is no reason why she can’t help out or reciprocate.

DH has an extremely wealthy freeloading friend who regularly turns up, sometimes unannounced and never brings a gift or gets a takeaway and never helps out. It has really started to annoy me. He also lets DH pay for everything if they do anything or go the the supermarket and has not paid his share when we did go away in the past - we have stopped this. Difficult as they are childhood friends and parents close, but the dynamics are awful. It is a user and someone who has got used to being used.

When I stay with friends I always bring a gift and get takeaways, help out with whatever, etc.

Unbelievable.
You are a bigger fool to have tolerated this.
Falling out with her should be your goal.

She knows and treats you like the complete mug you are.

I actually cannot even feel sympathy for people like the OP, who would accept a decade ofva complete CF user, certainly no friend using her and her home.

What awful modelling of a doirmat the OP must be to her children.

I couldn't be friends with someone like this.

I would not care a fig for their mental health, or how they felt about being told 'not. This person clearly doesn't take your feelings into account and is more a user than a friend.

Have you ever said “would you mind bringing several types of cheese for the cheeseboard, and a couple bottles of wine? “

what ages are the kids?

You’re unreasonable for doing this to yourself for an entire decade 😃

She's a single parent so always uses that as the reason she has no money

It's not a reason, it's said to make you feel guilty, being a single parent shouldn't be thrown out there to make anyone feel that way, and as you say it's been going on a decade now so your friend, and I use the word lightly, has had a good run for her lack of money, she's taking advantage of you, no one, except the much entitled, can expect bed and board and offer nothing in return.

It's time you spoke up, put a stop to it and don't worry that she'll be upset as I very much doubt it'll be because you've offended her but more that you're stopping her free weekends at 'Hotel Achurchi'.

Sounds like a friendship that's very one sided and incredibly convenient for her.

Hell no!

Time for a big glass of wine and an honest chat

"We have mostly loved you coming but time marches on and we are going to have to prioritise our weekends coming up. If you really want to come to London then I can't be The Hostess With The Mostest anymore and it has to be a team effort with the chores and the costs shared between us. If you decide that doesn't work for you then we will understand you want to stay elsewhere and we could meet up for lunch perhaps'.

You feel like you’re being taken advantage of because you are. What to you get out of this friendship other than being a free hotel?

Stop being a doormat and start saying no otherwise this CF will carry on mugging you off