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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To feel peeved house guests don't bring anything

265 replies

Achurchi · 06/04/2025 11:31

We are a family of four and have friends who frequently come to stay for the weekend (one adult and child), and we're never invited back...they make excuses such as they have cats and "oh you don't want to come because you're allergic" which is true, but I can also take antihistamine so it's not really a problem. I am increasingly feeling that they are just using us as we live in London and see us a free ride for a free weekend in the Capital! This has been going on for almost a decade and it is now seriously affecting our friendship.
When they come to ours (they basically invite themselves), they never bring anything with them...no bottle of wine or chocs, nothing. We're expected to fund the weekend's food and drink. My friend is always claiming to have no money, when in reality she has been given hundreds of thousands of pounds' inheritance which she has burnt through and then got herself into debt and had to be bailed out by her mum (multiple times). But we obviously can't say anything about that, and have to pretend she's on the breadline so that's why she can't contribute to the weekend. She's a single parent so always uses that as the reason she has no money (it's definitely not true).
I'm in the kitchen prepping food for the kids (which our friend dictates as they're fussy eaters) and then I'm cooking for the adults, all weekend. And we do all the tidying up etc. Her child gets up v early and wakes us up whilst my friend continues sleeping in until 930/10am. It's exhausting and I end up feeling that I've been taken advantage of, and feel very resentful.
If I confronted my friend about any of this, I know she'd be very upset and I'd end up feeling guilty so I feel I can't say anything. She has a history of poor mental health. What would you do? Tell her we're not hosting them anymore for all of the reasons above, or something else?? It's starting to really affect our friendship. They're here this weekend, and all of the above is/has happened again and my friend has just started talking about the next time they're coming to stay! Help!!!

OP posts:
Vroomfondleswaistcoat · 06/04/2025 11:32

I think this might be where you invoke the good old 'I'm sorry, that doesn't work for me' clause.

RuthTopp · 06/04/2025 11:34

It's time to say that word . No !

bridgetreilly · 06/04/2025 11:34

I think you can massively reduce how often they come by not being available. If you still want to maintain the friendship, you can manage an occasional weekend once every year or two.

RainingRoses · 06/04/2025 11:35

Presumably you agree the date and they don’t just show up unexpected? Just keep being busy and unavailable.

Mulledjuice · 06/04/2025 11:35

Yabu for putting up with it.

If I confronted my friend about any of this, I know she'd be very upset and I'd end up feeling guilty so I feel I can't say anything so? She should feel guilty, she's taking the piss.

"Sorry that doesn't work for us any more" is exactly right.

Consider whether there are circumstances in which you would consider hosting- eg if she paid for all the groceries would that work for you? Made half the meals? Got up with her child? If the answer is still no that's fine, you don't need to offer up any of these compromises.

faerietales · 06/04/2025 11:35

I’ve voted YABU as you don’t actually seem to be telling them “no.”

TwentyTwentyFive · 06/04/2025 11:36

How have you let this happen for a decade... Just say no and mean it.

soupyspoon · 06/04/2025 11:36

Be more unavailable

FaceBlindness · 06/04/2025 11:36

Friendship? What friendship?

Don't see one here.

She's a CF and you've got mug written on your forehead. Why have you let this go on so long?

Stop playing the martyr and just say "No, that doesn't work for us". Don't let her stay again.

BrassyPalm · 06/04/2025 11:37

I could only read half of this. I can’t stand people who martyr themselves and just can’t say no. It’s that simple OP - don’t let them stay.

IPM · 06/04/2025 11:37

Nobody can 'invite' themselves anywhere.

You keep deciding to host these people knowing exactly what they're like.

Stop doing it or stop complaining.

People can only wipe their feet on you if you lie down and let them do it.

Swiftie1878 · 06/04/2025 11:37

Just say NO. It’s not working for you any more.
You might find it hard, but honestly once you’ve got the hang of it, it’s very liberating.

Fraaances · 06/04/2025 11:38

Time to start being far too busy every time she calls…

IPM · 06/04/2025 11:38

BrassyPalm · 06/04/2025 11:37

I could only read half of this. I can’t stand people who martyr themselves and just can’t say no. It’s that simple OP - don’t let them stay.

Exactly, about half-way was all I managed.

I was afraid my retinas were going to detach, due to all the eye rolling.

ZookeeperSE · 06/04/2025 11:38

If you're unable to have the adult conversation required (and that's not a dig at you btw, I understand it's not easy), then ghost her, honestly, she deserves it. No one is that thick that they don't know they are massively taking the piss, she knows and doesn't care. She thinks you're a mug.

AmIHumanOrAmIAYeti · 06/04/2025 11:38

There’s an awful lot of “have to” and “can’t” in your post which is utter bollox. Stop being a doormat

YOU are allowing it and YOU need to stop it.

IPM · 06/04/2025 11:39

Fraaances · 06/04/2025 11:38

Time to start being far too busy every time she calls…

No, time to grow a backbone and be an adult.

It's like honesty has gone out of fashion sometimes.

Hayley1256 · 06/04/2025 11:39

You need to say no! Tell her your not prepared to have future visits as its a lot of work for you and you don't feel like she appreciates it and is a good house guest. If it ends the friendship then so be it. There's no way any of my friends would behave like this if they were a guest in someone's home

StMarie4me · 06/04/2025 11:39

Tell them? A true friend will be mortified and put it right. A fair weather one will be gone.

TossieFleacake · 06/04/2025 11:40

Why are you allowing this to keep happening and not speaking to your friend about it?
There's no point just passively going along with things in real life and then coming to MN to fume about it.

There are so many posts recently with people just meekly allowing other people to treat them like shit and not saying anything for fear of upsetting them ... these people dont care about how rude or imposing they are to you so why are you so concerned with protecting their feelings?

Floralhousecoat · 06/04/2025 11:40

IPM · 06/04/2025 11:37

Nobody can 'invite' themselves anywhere.

You keep deciding to host these people knowing exactly what they're like.

Stop doing it or stop complaining.

People can only wipe their feet on you if you lie down and let them do it.

Say no, I can't host anymore, it's too much for me.
why on earth are you making them food and catering to their child's needs? let her do it.

10 years of being taken advantage of. No wonder you're resentful.

This isn't a friendship is it? In any way shape or form.

You CAN say no. Practice saying it until it comes naturally to you

DisplayPurposesOnly · 06/04/2025 11:41

Is it the cost? Lack of effort? Lack of reciprocity?

Effort is the easiest. "Friend, can you do x whilst I do y?" "Can you do x, please?" (Basically phrase it as a polite instruction with little room to say no.)

Reciprocity. "Wed like to come to you for a change. I'm getting a bit stir-crazy and could do with a change of scenery. Oh don't worry about the cat, I'll fill myself up with anti histamines and risk it!"

Cost. "Oh, sorry, we really can't have you to stay this month. We've over-spent and our cupboards are bare! Unless you can chip in? No? Oh well, another time then."

Tbrh · 06/04/2025 11:42

YABU for enabling it

Butteredtoast55 · 06/04/2025 11:43

It's very difficult the first time you do it but you have to start saying no. If she turns up say "Oh, no, you can't stay tonight" or "Great to see you but we are busy today" You don't have to say why, just that it's not a good time me. If she does stay then beforehand tell her that it's her turn to treat you all to a meal out. If she says she can't afford it, tell her you're in the same boat. Drip feed how inconvenient it is to have her there, how she needs to contribute and feel strong enough to just say no.

twilightcafe · 06/04/2025 11:44

YABU - you have the power to put a stop to this.
Say something! Otherwise it'll drag on forever.