Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To feel peeved house guests don't bring anything

265 replies

Achurchi · 06/04/2025 11:31

We are a family of four and have friends who frequently come to stay for the weekend (one adult and child), and we're never invited back...they make excuses such as they have cats and "oh you don't want to come because you're allergic" which is true, but I can also take antihistamine so it's not really a problem. I am increasingly feeling that they are just using us as we live in London and see us a free ride for a free weekend in the Capital! This has been going on for almost a decade and it is now seriously affecting our friendship.
When they come to ours (they basically invite themselves), they never bring anything with them...no bottle of wine or chocs, nothing. We're expected to fund the weekend's food and drink. My friend is always claiming to have no money, when in reality she has been given hundreds of thousands of pounds' inheritance which she has burnt through and then got herself into debt and had to be bailed out by her mum (multiple times). But we obviously can't say anything about that, and have to pretend she's on the breadline so that's why she can't contribute to the weekend. She's a single parent so always uses that as the reason she has no money (it's definitely not true).
I'm in the kitchen prepping food for the kids (which our friend dictates as they're fussy eaters) and then I'm cooking for the adults, all weekend. And we do all the tidying up etc. Her child gets up v early and wakes us up whilst my friend continues sleeping in until 930/10am. It's exhausting and I end up feeling that I've been taken advantage of, and feel very resentful.
If I confronted my friend about any of this, I know she'd be very upset and I'd end up feeling guilty so I feel I can't say anything. She has a history of poor mental health. What would you do? Tell her we're not hosting them anymore for all of the reasons above, or something else?? It's starting to really affect our friendship. They're here this weekend, and all of the above is/has happened again and my friend has just started talking about the next time they're coming to stay! Help!!!

OP posts:
MoreChocPls · 06/04/2025 11:45

Ask her to go to shops for wine and food… and say no for future visits. She’s a cf.

Fluffyholeysocks · 06/04/2025 11:45

Just tell her you are taking a break from hosting. Say you've been hosting family and friends most weekends and would like a break from it - actually shall we come to you for a change?

rainbowsparkle28 · 06/04/2025 11:45

No is a complete sentence.

FalseSpring · 06/04/2025 11:46

If you want to retain the friendship but do so on different terms I think you need to be completely straight with her. Some of these MN replies are extreme and would result in the loss of the friendship.

I would start before she leaves this time by asking (nicely) for a contribution to the costs of food. Explain that the costs of hosting have escalated and that you really can't continue having her to stay unless she pays for her share of the expenses. It may make her think twice about coming again. If she says she can't afford to pay now, then suggest a payment plan - I doubt she would have the cheek to plan to come again unless she had paid you back.

Vaxtable · 06/04/2025 11:46

So next time it’s a breezy sorry that weekend won’t work for us, if she gives other dates just say ok that might work but I won’t be able to afford to feed you so can you chip in please, oh and would you like to do the washing up after please etc etc

AliBaliBee1234 · 06/04/2025 11:46

I know it's easier said than done to flat out say no, especially if you want to remain friends. But time to come up with an excuse why you can't do this so often anymore. Is she allergic to any pets? 😛

Saltedcarameltiramisucheesecake · 06/04/2025 11:46

You're not her friend, you're her hotel.
All the money she's saved by staying with you, and she can't be bothered to even bring a token bottle or gift. 🤔

Whatever date she's suggesting for her next stay, "sorry, we can't do that". And repeat. And again. Until the penny drops.
She's a gold standard CF. Not really a friend.

howshouldibehave · 06/04/2025 11:46

What would you do? Tell her we're not hosting them

Yes.

'X sorry, the answer is going to be no...we are stopping having house guests-it was feeling like people were really taking the piss and using us as a free hotel in London. People invite themselves to stay, don't bring so much as a bottle of wine, expect me to cook or pay for the food and drinks all weekend and look after their kids whilst they have a lie in! If you wanted to meet up at the park for a picnic whilst you're in London though-that would be great. Let me know.'

This is about the 5th thread this morning I've read where I've thought, 'just use your words!' which would stop the OP being used/taken advantage of/being martyred.

Tourmalines · 06/04/2025 11:47

You have mug written all over your face . Tell her NO.

Fraaances · 06/04/2025 11:49

“You’re coming to town? That’s great! Give me a call when you get to your hotel and we’ll see if we have time to catch up.”

thepariscrimefiles · 06/04/2025 11:50

Do you invite her or does she invite herself? Just tell her that you are too busy for the next few months, if you don't want to tell her the truth.

You certainly shouldn't keep having her to stay. It's really bad manners not to bring some sort of gift to than your hosts.

Moonnstars · 06/04/2025 11:50

I think maybe you need to spell it out to her.
No you cannot come and stay.
We are never invited to yours to stay in return.
You do not pay your own way when you are here. It is now disruptive to my family.

Point out a local hotel she is welcome to book into if she wants to visit.

She doesn't actually sound like a good friend. What do you get from it?

Cloudyvibes · 06/04/2025 11:51

You either sit her down and tell her this isn’t working for you anymore or you say ‘no that weekend doesn’t work for us’ on repeat until she gets it!

Gundogday · 06/04/2025 11:53

I’m guessing you fell into this situation because you liked het and genuinely wanted to help. However, she has either knowingly or unknowingly or unknowingly taken advantage of the situation. She probably doesn’t even realise that she’s doing anything wrong.

bert3400 · 06/04/2025 11:54

We had a 'friend' like this . We live in an beautiful part of Spain, she would invite herself 4/5 times a year for a long weekend or even weeks in the holidays. She and her family would take over my house with no consideration for us . Last year after a particular long visit and not a thank you from her I cut her off completely, told her exactly what she had put us through the last few years and never to contact me again. My life is so much better for it ....get you voice and tell her the truth .

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe · 06/04/2025 11:57

I voted YABU as you're behaving like an absolute martyr which is pathetic in a grown woman. You can say no. You don't want to do this, you resent the one-sided effort (so would I). I would say "Sorry, not this time" and keep saying that.

What do your family think of this imposition into their home space?

It's up to you whether you carry on feeling aggrieved or whether you bring this friendship back into balance and start standing up for yourself.

CynicalSunni · 06/04/2025 11:59

Only one thing you can do.
Tell her she is taking advantage of your kindness. She never says thank you, never helps clean up, never offers to pay for anything and you are just the help instead of a friend. And then say its not happening anymore

Likely she already knows this and is seeing ho long she can get away with it.

NewsdeskJC · 06/04/2025 12:01

This is a classic case of one person finding it hard to say no and the other having no problem in asking.
What I found I'd it's hard to say no the first time. Then the world doesn't end and it becomes easier.

youcannaecallherfanny · 06/04/2025 12:03

Just say no?

Whineandcheese · 06/04/2025 12:03

“You’ve visited us plenty of times - it’s our turn to visit you.” on repeat.
Or
”We can’t accommodate you, but fortunately there are lots of hotels and Airbnbs available. Let us know when you’re around, and if we’re available we can meet up.”
We live in a popular tourist destination, and we have plenty of visitors, but only the ones we specifically invite, not the ones who just want to visit the place we live in. I would never invite myself to stay with anyone, and am astounded that people do. But they do!

godmum56 · 06/04/2025 12:04

Its easy, say no!

Fluffyholeysocks · 06/04/2025 12:08

It's amazing how many 'friends' you suddenly have when you live somewhere popular. One of my old colleagues lives in a beautiful part of Spain. One of her old primary school classmates contacted her to ask if her and her son could stay and 'catch up'. My colleague agreed, she picked them up from the airport only to be told her 'friend' only had 50 euros for the entire weeks stay.

Reallybadidea · 06/04/2025 12:09

What is your ideal outcome? Decreased frequency of visits? She contributes towards food/expenses? You visit her sometimes? Ending the friendship entirely? Something else or a combination of some of these? I think you need to be clear in your own mind about what you want before doing something to tackle the current situation.

Weefox · 06/04/2025 12:12

Friendship should be balanced. This family are users, and very mean ones too.
There are many ways you can deal with this - be friendly but assertive. If it ends the friendship, so be it.

BrassyPalm · 06/04/2025 12:13

This is about the 5th thread this morning I've read where I've thought, 'just use your words!' which would stop the OP being used/taken advantage of/being martyred.

@Fluffyholeysocks I’m wondering if it’s a bot thing - some days there seems to be a theme

edited to add - sorry fluffy that was for howshouldbehave!