To feel peeved house guests don't bring anything

[Achurchi]

We are a family of four and have friends who frequently come to stay for the weekend (one adult and child), and we're never invited back...they make excuses such as they have cats and "oh you don't want to come because you're allergic" which is true, but I can also take antihistamine so it's not really a problem. I am increasingly feeling that they are just using us as we live in London and see us a free ride for a free weekend in the Capital! This has been going on for almost a decade and it is now seriously affecting our friendship.
When they come to ours (they basically invite themselves), they never bring anything with them...no bottle of wine or chocs, nothing. We're expected to fund the weekend's food and drink. My friend is always claiming to have no money, when in reality she has been given hundreds of thousands of pounds' inheritance which she has burnt through and then got herself into debt and had to be bailed out by her mum (multiple times). But we obviously can't say anything about that, and have to pretend she's on the breadline so that's why she can't contribute to the weekend. She's a single parent so always uses that as the reason she has no money (it's definitely not true).
I'm in the kitchen prepping food for the kids (which our friend dictates as they're fussy eaters) and then I'm cooking for the adults, all weekend. And we do all the tidying up etc. Her child gets up v early and wakes us up whilst my friend continues sleeping in until 930/10am. It's exhausting and I end up feeling that I've been taken advantage of, and feel very resentful.
If I confronted my friend about any of this, I know she'd be very upset and I'd end up feeling guilty so I feel I can't say anything. She has a history of poor mental health. What would you do? Tell her we're not hosting them anymore for all of the reasons above, or something else?? It's starting to really affect our friendship. They're here this weekend, and all of the above is/has happened again and my friend has just started talking about the next time they're coming to stay! Help!!!

You're been a great host for 10 years but as others have said she is taking advantage of your generosity. I think I'd approach it with:

"It's been lovely to see you both again but DH and I have decided that with the cost of living situation being what it is, we won't be hosting for the foreseeable. It's simply working out far too expensive to feed ourselves and others; and there's the increase in energy bills too to consider."

Given what's gone before I feel it's unlikely she'll offer to pay her way but that's her choice and nothing for you to feel bad about.

Yabvu not to have said anything before now!! You have been a mug.

Time to set out your boundaries.

I would just say ‘I think it’s actually finally our turn to come to you next! Let’s plan that before you come here again.’ If she talks about coming to you again at any point just be firm and keep turning it around to not making plans for that until you’ve been to her. If she suggests a weekend to come to yours say ‘actually as I said it’s surely our turn to come to you next, so why don’t we do that?’ and if suddenly that date doesn’t work anymore ‘oh that’s a shame, well let’s put that weekend on hold then and just let us know when does work for us to come to you this time. We can’t wait!’

So you would rather keep feeling upset year after year than your friend feeling upset the once?

You are allowing yourself to be a doormat and she’s been given free reign to wipe her feet all over you.

Time for a firm but kind no.

You sound far too nice @Achurchi - you need to say that you can't host her again, if she brings up the "next visit."

Think about it this way - if you telling the truth would cause a breach in the friendship, what would you lose?

Fortunately she took my "don't contact me again" message and I've never heard from her 😁

YABU. Only you have the power to change this. Otherwise get used to it.

You need to set boundaries. She's walking all over you.

I would say it’s been good to see you but we won’t be having any more guests staying over.

Well done. Although once would have done it for me.

So, you want to stop her visits, but you don’t want to upset her?

Right now, she’s already talking about when she’ll be visiting next & she’s not even left. Cheeky fucking mare!

Tell her you’ve a lot on & so you’ll discuss dates with Mr Achurchi & you’ll let her know in a while. Refuse to commit.

Get back to her in a 2-4 weeks & say you have decided between you to not have house guests for at least the next 6 months - do not budge on this.

You can keep extending the house guest ban as long as you like.

But, if you do decide to let her come back, you can tell her that over the six months, you realised how much you had been spending on your visitors & that going forwards, you will expect visitors to contribute to their stay & give her your expectations. Once again, do not budge on this.

If she’s any friend, she’ll accept this & cough up willingly. If she disappears from your life, you’ll know that she was never a real friend.

This is how you could handle it.

However, I think you really need to grow a spine & tell her to she’s taking the piss & the free weekends in London are now over.

I see so many threads on here about similar situations. USE YOUR WORDS.

You’re being a doormat - and she’s taking advantage! If her child wakes up early, go and knock on her door loudly and tell her her child is awake. Don’t let her lie in and leave all the grief to you. If she doesn’t help with food prep, ask her: “Olivia, can you chop up these vegetable, please, while I brown the meat”. And don’t prepare different food for her child. It’s not your problem they’re a fussy eater. Don’t pander to them.

Also, limit the number of visits. If your friend says she’s planning to come to visit, say you’re not available. Don’t get into discussions about what you’re doing, just say you’re busy. If she then says she hasn’t seen you for X weeks, innocently suggest you can come and visit her. She’ll shut up then.

She sounds spoilt and immature. Don’t enable her.

Imagine having to explain in detail to an adult how to use your words. It’s pretty worrying tbh.

Can you try things like 'froend so you fancy going to the shop and planning dinner, I'm exhausted' and when her child wakes up specifically tell the child to go and wake up mum. Ask friend to help tidy/wash up. If this doesn't work then you need to have a more awkward conversation.

Just say no. I have a new hobby which takes up my weekends now.

Is this real? I’d tell her straight I’m fed up of her taking advantage and not bother with the friendship any more. What are you afraid of? Guilt? I’d feel guilt that I’d inconvenienced me and my family for so long with a freeloader.

I voted YABU because you've got a voice, and should tell her she can't come, (or make her do the cooking at least).

She's using you and you're letting her.

Why do people feel they have to lie about stuff like this? Letting someone use you yet tying yourself in knots because you don’t want to upset them? The users don’t feel the same way.

practice saying "no"
and you don't have to "pretend" anything.
Tell her she can't come because it's too expensive for you to keep providing her free food and board

She never speaks to you again? take the win
she reduces her requests and contributes? take the win
she keeps coming: be firmer. "you can't come." "no" "that is not convenient" "we don't want to host you yet again"

What friendship? If you moved to somewhere in the middle of nowhere, you'd probably never see her again. She's using you as free bed and board for London trips. Say no.

I have a feeling that won’t stop her, as she’ll say she can stay in the house without op being there.

1. go wake her up when her DC is up or tell her DC to not wake you up in the morning when they get up
2. Ask her to help you in the kitchen
3. next time she asks say no. You are fed up of having guests.

Just use your words OP.

Same here!

I'm sorry we don't have the room any more, the spare room is now our office.

Two spare rooms? Well, that's for your husbands hobby that can't disclose any information about.

3 spare rooms? I'll pay to stay for an overnight in London!