To feel peeved house guests don't bring anything

[Achurchi]

We are a family of four and have friends who frequently come to stay for the weekend (one adult and child), and we're never invited back...they make excuses such as they have cats and "oh you don't want to come because you're allergic" which is true, but I can also take antihistamine so it's not really a problem. I am increasingly feeling that they are just using us as we live in London and see us a free ride for a free weekend in the Capital! This has been going on for almost a decade and it is now seriously affecting our friendship.
When they come to ours (they basically invite themselves), they never bring anything with them...no bottle of wine or chocs, nothing. We're expected to fund the weekend's food and drink. My friend is always claiming to have no money, when in reality she has been given hundreds of thousands of pounds' inheritance which she has burnt through and then got herself into debt and had to be bailed out by her mum (multiple times). But we obviously can't say anything about that, and have to pretend she's on the breadline so that's why she can't contribute to the weekend. She's a single parent so always uses that as the reason she has no money (it's definitely not true).
I'm in the kitchen prepping food for the kids (which our friend dictates as they're fussy eaters) and then I'm cooking for the adults, all weekend. And we do all the tidying up etc. Her child gets up v early and wakes us up whilst my friend continues sleeping in until 930/10am. It's exhausting and I end up feeling that I've been taken advantage of, and feel very resentful.
If I confronted my friend about any of this, I know she'd be very upset and I'd end up feeling guilty so I feel I can't say anything. She has a history of poor mental health. What would you do? Tell her we're not hosting them anymore for all of the reasons above, or something else?? It's starting to really affect our friendship. They're here this weekend, and all of the above is/has happened again and my friend has just started talking about the next time they're coming to stay! Help!!!

It seems to me you’re not comfortable with losing the friendship or saying no so head her off at the pass by saying you have decorators in/the boiler’s not working/you have a plumbing problem/you’re waiting for the spare room bed mattress to arrive.

OP, she is an appalling CF - who can’t afford to bring a bottle of wine and a bunch of flowers - like £3 of daffs at this time of year? You need to think about just how much you want her in your life, and how much you’re prepared to put up with - otherwise you’ll get more and more resentful every visit. Meanwhile, before she leaves, ask if you can arrange to come and stay with her for a weekend.

She isn’t going to spontaneously change her behaviour, so you need to change yours as it is the only thing you actually have control over. Either you say no when she asks to come and stay or you set clear expectations around future visits.

Culturally, the host usually does pay for food for guests and guests can make requests as to what they like to eat.

Really? I've never gone to someone's house and asked for any particular meal to be provided for me, and neither have anyone that has been a guest at my house. And visitors always bring a gift, usually wine, chocolates, pudding, flowers, or a houseplant.

We are a family of four and have friends who frequently come to stay for the weekend (one adult and child), and we're never invited back.

Unless I'm mistaken they are not 'friends' (plural) it's one adult friend and their child.

Is this your friend or your partner's?
Are they on the same page?

Is this your friend from when you were single or pre-kids?

As everyone else has said, unless she turns up on your doorstep, she's asking to stay and you say yes.

So just stop saying yes.
Say you're busy and it's not convenient.
If she asks when will it be, you say you're not sure as you've a lot of things planned.

Yabu for agreeing for a decade.

I’d tell her she can t come u less she contributes and then when she inevitably kicks off I’d be happy that the friendship had ended

Well she wants the high life at everyone else’s expense, including yours plus those dreaded early starts with a child.
Can I come in her place and have the same luxuries while you slave over me? No? I thought not. 😂

I had friends, a family of four who visited when I lived in London. They said they’d got tickets for a show. I said, lovely, I’ll enjoy that. They then said they’d didn’t have one for me.

Blimey, what a CF! What did she say?!

This is all on you @Achurchi - you are being a complete doormat. You are an adult, time to start acting like one and take control of your time, home and money.

What does she bring to the friendship @Achurchi ?

I'm sure your friend would be upset if you said anything. Freeloaders always are when the gravy train stops.

Do you get anything at all out of her visits? If you do, I'd say in future she'll need to contribute towards the food and the work involved. If you don't, say no.

“they basically invite themselves”

Only because you let them! SAY NO.

This woman isn’t your friend, she’s a piss-taking, free-loading, self-centred, lazy, selfish, cheeky fucker of the highest order.

If you lost the ‘friendship’ what do you actually stand to lose???

That should have been a wake-up call OP when she got an inheritance yet never changed her M.O.

She should have taken you out for dinner, brought wine/flowers.

There's givers and takers in this world and she obviously falls into the latter category.

I'm a single mum myself and no way would I be taking charge of someone's kids while they have a lie-in. (Maybe a one-off). I wouldn't treat my friends like she does either.

Find your inner warrior-woman voice and don't let her walk all over you anymore.

Tell her you no longer want to host but you'd love to come and visit them and treat her the way she's been treating you and watch her disappear

Sorry but I have very little sympathy for any of this.

She’s a lazy, spendthrift chancer and a terrible, ungrateful houseguest who clearly takes the piss out of you, rinses you for accommodation and all-expenses-paid weekend breaks and abuses your generosity, and you’ve allowed this to keep happening over and over again for a DECADE?!! Without you or your DH ever saying a single word to her about her appalling manners and general cheeky fuckery, or even ‘no, you can’t come’? I can understand someone doing this once or twice and getting away with it, but seriously … ten years?

Mental health issues my arse. She knows you’re a pushover who’s unlikely to call her out on any of this, but the whole ‘no money, mental health, poor me, single mother’ horseshit is her insurance policy.

Next time just say no, and keep saying it until she either goes away or asks why, at which point you can tell her exactly what you’ve said here. Either way the friendship is probably over. Cheeky fuckers tend not to stick around when you cease being useful to them.

What is it with all these threads at the moment about people getting walked over?

If I confronted my friend about any of this, I know she'd be very upset and I'd end up feeling guilty

Yet your greedy, thoughtless friend doesn't feel guilty at all about shamelessly using you. Such is the world!

Why are you solely responsible for this woman's wellbeing? Doesn't she have any other friends? What are the positives of this relationship for you, what would be the downside of never seeing her again? (And no, feeling guilty doesn't count)

You are being played like a cheap pianola, stand up to this parasite.

You seem terrified of conflict and it is stopping you from putting healthy boundaries in place. Something to think about medium term and do some work on.

As for how to get through this weekend:

• start asking CF to help with things "CF, can you come and give me a hand in the kitchen / grab a tea towel / give that table a wipe for me would you / please can you strip your beds before you go"

• if CF is trying to put next visit in diary: "oh can we talk about that another time, we might have other guests / be going away / have other commitments / sorry I can't commit to anything at the moment, if you need to pin something down then why don't you find another place to stay? (Tinkly laugh)".

Then when CF contacts you later, just say, sorry that doesn't work for us.

Go on, you can do it!

Your thread title suggests the issue is your freeloading guest doesn't contribute but it's much worse than that isn't it. As others have said, this is not the behaviour of a friend.

The next time she invites herself decline politely, but do not apologise. As suggested, "that doesn't work for me" is great. If she asks why not, don't go into excuses or apologies, just say you don't have the energy or inclination to host for the foreseeable future.

She's not your friend.

You are helping yourself and indeed you are helping your friend by saying no. If you see it as cruel (I don't), then it is being cruel to be kind. I doubt you are the only people that she freeloads from (you mention her mum), maybe it will start her to think about her behaviour.

If you lose them as friends, it's unfortunate, but you should not be walked all over.

In the nicest possible way OP you are being a complete mug.

There is a COL crisis and why the hell should you be buying and cooking meals for a blatant CF?

You need to make it clear she is not welcome. It will possibly end the “friendship“ (note I use that term extremely loosely in this instance) but you will be better off for it!

At the very least, the guests need to either bring their own food and cook it or eat the beans on toast lunch etc you are having that day.

good place to start!

Tell her. Let her be upset. Being upset won't kill her and would it really bother you if she didn't want to associate with you any more?