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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To feel peeved house guests don't bring anything

265 replies

Achurchi · 06/04/2025 11:31

We are a family of four and have friends who frequently come to stay for the weekend (one adult and child), and we're never invited back...they make excuses such as they have cats and "oh you don't want to come because you're allergic" which is true, but I can also take antihistamine so it's not really a problem. I am increasingly feeling that they are just using us as we live in London and see us a free ride for a free weekend in the Capital! This has been going on for almost a decade and it is now seriously affecting our friendship.
When they come to ours (they basically invite themselves), they never bring anything with them...no bottle of wine or chocs, nothing. We're expected to fund the weekend's food and drink. My friend is always claiming to have no money, when in reality she has been given hundreds of thousands of pounds' inheritance which she has burnt through and then got herself into debt and had to be bailed out by her mum (multiple times). But we obviously can't say anything about that, and have to pretend she's on the breadline so that's why she can't contribute to the weekend. She's a single parent so always uses that as the reason she has no money (it's definitely not true).
I'm in the kitchen prepping food for the kids (which our friend dictates as they're fussy eaters) and then I'm cooking for the adults, all weekend. And we do all the tidying up etc. Her child gets up v early and wakes us up whilst my friend continues sleeping in until 930/10am. It's exhausting and I end up feeling that I've been taken advantage of, and feel very resentful.
If I confronted my friend about any of this, I know she'd be very upset and I'd end up feeling guilty so I feel I can't say anything. She has a history of poor mental health. What would you do? Tell her we're not hosting them anymore for all of the reasons above, or something else?? It's starting to really affect our friendship. They're here this weekend, and all of the above is/has happened again and my friend has just started talking about the next time they're coming to stay! Help!!!

OP posts:
Itiswhysofew · 06/04/2025 12:14

Would you consider saying that you're just not having visitors anymore? Simple as that. After so many years of hosting, you've done your bit.

Stirfries · 06/04/2025 12:15

OP, look at your language — your friend ‘invites herself’, she ‘dictates’ specialist food, you ‘can’t discuss’ her money, you’ ‘are expected to fund’ her food and drink, you ‘have to babysit’ while your friend sleeps in, you ‘can’t confront her’ on taking advantage etc etc.

None of this is true. No one has you at gunpoint. You are choosing to do this because you think that saying ‘No, that doesn’t work for me’ or ‘Lunch is on you’ or ‘This time we’ll visit you and I’ll take an antihistamine’ is going to make you feel ‘guilty’.

Think about that, and why you’ve chosen to allow yourself to be taken advantage of for a decade. Whose feelings are more important to you? Your own or someone you admit yourself is exploitative, stingy, selfish etc? (Clue — the right answer is yours.)

As I seem to say on these threads all the time, there can be no Cheeky Fucker without a Wet Lettuce. It’s very easy to come and whine about CFs on here, about how they should know to not invite themselves/pay for food etc, but the only behaviour you can control is your own.

What do you choose to do about this? It in no way needs to be a confrontation. That’s your unexpressed resentment speaking, and it’s yourself you’re most angry with. When she proposes another visit, just say that doesn’t work for you, or that you want to see her at her home before you host her again.

Anyotherdude · 06/04/2025 12:15

You can invoke the power of the CoL crisis, and also the fact that you’re now 10 years older and want to kick back and relax a bit more, as to why this arrangement no longer works for you OP.
If they invoke a bit of CFery and push back, just tell them that if you wanted to be a B&B owner, you would be charging for it - followed by a tinkly laugh!

BrassyPalm · 06/04/2025 12:15

BrassyPalm · 06/04/2025 12:13

This is about the 5th thread this morning I've read where I've thought, 'just use your words!' which would stop the OP being used/taken advantage of/being martyred.

@Fluffyholeysocks I’m wondering if it’s a bot thing - some days there seems to be a theme

edited to add - sorry fluffy that was for howshouldbehave!

Edited

Sorry @Fluffyholeysocks that was meant to tag @howshouldibehave !

FeelGettingPowerBack · 06/04/2025 12:15

Do you give off a generous vibe at all? I’ve got a relative with short arms and long pockets and when I met her DH (came to stay with us, he told me “ xxxx said it’s great staying with you. They won’t let you pay for a thing”.

I mean WTF?

MuffinsOrCake · 06/04/2025 12:16

I would never allow this to happen even once from a female friend. You see me for a coffee when you come to London, give me your hotel adress and I'll meet you in the lobby if I got time. This is how I've dealt with all such people in life.

medlobath · 06/04/2025 12:17

Be busy, very busy. Oh, shame we have georgias recital that weekend and there's no more tickets . If you are coming up to stay in a hotel then we would love to catch up for lunch at X cafe ( one where you pay at the counter when you order)
Next time "oh Tim's got 3 mates staying the weekend - we are full up".
Surely they will get the hint.
Otherwise just say NO.

Mumlaplomb · 06/04/2025 12:17

Some people are just relentless takers OP, your friend is one of them. Start putting up boundaries. You can meet her at x but she won’t be able to stay over sorry. No need to explain. She’ may or may not have money but she could certainly be cleaning up after herself and getting up with her child. Also if she can afford to jolly to the city then she can afford to buy you a takeaway/bring food and drink and not eat you out of house and home.

needmoresheep · 06/04/2025 12:19

You have made a rod for your own back. Just be brutal and say no. This free-loader is not your friend

MuffinsOrCake · 06/04/2025 12:19

Someone from France once was flying through the UK onto Australia and said: tomorrow I will in around London, see you. I said: where, when, I am working, are you sure my town is exactly near that airport, even though I am near London. Are you having an overnight hotel stay around the airport, what is the name of that hotel, what time do you take the next plane onto Australia? - Asked all this in order to be able to plan to see her. She said: just give me your adress and I'll pop in ....- I sent a question mark. That was it. She cooled off and went more normality type after that ...leave alone, I live in a maisonette, no spare bedrooms here

PinkyFlamingo · 06/04/2025 12:20

You are letting this happen. Why on earth ha e you put up with it for this length of time? She is walking all over you. You are "expected" to find all food and drink? You can say no for goodness sake. And don't come out with "I'm a people pleaser" either as you are causing yourself no end of problems now

noquinoa · 06/04/2025 12:21

A decade? How on earth can you go through life being this passive.

Saracen · 06/04/2025 12:22

If she had any consideration for you at all, she would be contributing some food at the very least, and also offering to cook some meals. Since it hasn't even occurred to her, there is no hope of improving things and no point trying to explain.

I would just start making excuses for why she can't come over. The easiest is "Sorry, we can't have you that weekend" because she can't try to talk you round. Be always busy until she gives up.

Shelly1973ish · 06/04/2025 12:24

FaceBlindness · 06/04/2025 11:36

Friendship? What friendship?

Don't see one here.

She's a CF and you've got mug written on your forehead. Why have you let this go on so long?

Stop playing the martyr and just say "No, that doesn't work for us". Don't let her stay again.

This!!!

Cara707 · 06/04/2025 12:24

You could try 'actually i think we're overdue a visit to yours first, I'll take an anti-histamine for the cat allergy'. I imagine she'll be so unwilling to do that that she'll avoid visiting you for a while.

Another option is to say you can't afford it and ask for £250 for food and electricity.

The best one though is to say we've decided not to have any overnight visitors for a while as we have a number of things to get on with.

SnoozingFox · 06/04/2025 12:25

If I confronted my friend about any of this, I know she'd be very upset and I'd end up feeling guilty so I feel I can't say anything

As my kids would say, sounds like a you problem. If you are not prepared to call her out on her absolute piss taking then that is up to you. it's not just that she doesn't bring anything, it's also that she's treating you like an unpaid nanny.

When her child woke early, the sane thing would have been to go and say "go and wake up Mummy". Do you want to continue with this totally one-sided friendship?

Naddd · 06/04/2025 12:26

Well it seems you're not actually going to say or do anything so what's the point of the post?

TimeForTeaAndToast · 06/04/2025 12:27

I voted YABU, because you're being a martyr. You're putting yourself out, doing too much and then complaining about it. You don't have to make or buy their fussy food. Tell them where the supermarket is.

You don't have to have her visit. Tell them that the date doesn't suit you - every time - until they stop inviting themselves.

TrickyD · 06/04/2025 12:27

Poor mental health?
Such an all-purpose excuse.
Let her go and have it somewhere else.

Apreslapluielesoleil · 06/04/2025 12:30

There’s too long a list to think if she just brought wine….or just paid for food….or….It just doesn’t work.
So you use the no word. Does she call , WhatsApp or text to arrange a visit? Then you reply by same saying having guests doesn’t work for your family any more, you’ll see her when you visit her.

TakemedowntoPotatoCity · 06/04/2025 12:32

So you are a family of four and she is a single mum with one child? It sounds as though she might feel slightly embarrassed to have you over tbh, for fear that you might judge her/her house. Also would the four of you go or just you as having a family of four turn up might be a little overwhelming. I say all this as a lone parent with one child myself.
What I don't agree with is not bringing anything and taking advantage of your hospitality. I would bring it up with her and If she's a good friend maybe she will reflect on her behaviour...

Velmy · 06/04/2025 12:33

Same solution to the vast majority of these kind of threads on MN.

Say 'no'.

Also, you say you have to pretend she's on the breadline... First of all you're an adult, you don't have to 'pretend' anything. But you also say she's burned through her inheritance, is in debt and has to be bailed out by her mum repeatedly. So which is it?

I'd be more understanding of a friend who was genuinely struggling, but not to the point that it regularly inconvenienced me/my family and certainly not to the point that it affected my friendship.

If she's your friend and you want her to remain, you owe it to her to tell her the truth. If she can't accept that, she's not the friend you thought she was.

WhatAPrettyHouse · 06/04/2025 12:36

t's difficult but you have to either,

  1. Say no to any more visits.
  2. Severely limit visits to once a year (or whatever works for you).
  3. Allow the visits but be honest about the costs and expectations.
  4. Put up with it.

I know which I would do...

blubberyboo · 06/04/2025 12:37

The problem with the world we've created now is that everyone is afraid of saying anything direct or honest in fear of upsetting someone's mental health. In reality people need honesty in order to take control of their lives and have better mental health.

Tell her it doesn't work for you and you are feeling taken advantage of. You are sad that she never returns the favour. So you will be unable to host her again until she has done exactly the same for you.

If you can't be honest then just lie and tell her you are in severe financial difficulties and can barely afford your lifestyle or to feed your own kids and you'd like a free holiday please. Or your MH will suffer.

SummerFeverVenice · 06/04/2025 12:40

I can see both sides as she is just continuing what you agreed on from years ago- that when visiting she pays to travel down and you host. Culturally, the host usually does pay for food for guests and guests can make requests as to what they like to eat.

The whole money rant you went on is inappropriate, it doesn’t matter poor, rich, in debt or flush- the etiquette for hosting guests is the same.

YANBU to want to change things moving forward, but I’d wouldn’t be going at like she’s in the wrong and been awful,..

If you want to change your decade long Id have a chat with her:
”I’m afraid life is more busy, and as much as we love having you visit, can we reduce the number of visits?”
”Oh, we are a bit short on money, how about we go food shopping when you arrive and we split the food bill? The same for days out, can you cover your tickets/meals please?”
”I’d love it if you cooked us one of your favourite recipes, I’m so bored with what I usually cook.”