Father of the child and his family forcing me into getting an abortion

[OneAquaShaker]

A bit of back story, me and the father met in December so I know in terms of timing it is unconventional and not how I planned on becoming pregnant. We were in a relationship together and found out I was pregnant at the end of February when we found out me and the father were both over the moon and he asked me not to get an abortion. Up until the 8 week mark we have been discussing our future together and how excited we are to be parents. Fast forward to last Saturday the conversation came up to why I decided to come off the depo injection this time last year and I was honest and said its because at the time I was in a long term relationship where we both thought pregnancy was our next step but ultimately it didn't work out as he was abusive. From then the father and his family have made claims that I've baby trapped him and all I wanted out of him was to get pregnant. This is not the case I made the father aware when we first met I wasn't on contraception and he made no effort to protect himself, they've also claimed im unfit to be a mum as me and my family went over to his house to have a conversation about the situation and once we got there, I was shouted at and blamed by his parents and due to being shouted at I got upset and cried, his step dad then made a comment about how if this situation is stressing me am I sure im fit to raise a baby, they also tried to claim that I didn't tell the father I wasn't on contraception which isn't true, at no point have I said to the father that he needs to stick around I have asked him if he will be there to support me and the baby and he has made it clear he wants nothing to do with me and that I'm ruining his life and I needed to pick whether I wanted him or the baby and has told me I need to abort the baby multiple times, I have made it clear to him what my views on abortion are and told him it's my reproductive right to have this baby and its down to him if he's going to step up and be a father. I've been told I'm delusional and that I'm a manipulator and I'm abusing him. It's also come to my attention that one of his friends told him to try and convince me its my ex's child and not his so he can walk away with no ties to the baby. Am I being unfair to not have an abortion after originally being told to keep my pregnancy by the father and him being excited about and then changing his mind?

I dont have any learning difficulties and even if I did does having learning difficulties stop you from raising a baby?

Not at all, but I am concerned how young and naive you seem about getting pregnant and raising a child. It also questions whether this man sought out your vulnerability and targeted you, making you a victim.

Do not abort this pregnancy. There may be some difficult times ahead but there will also be joy. In 18 years you will be just 42 years old and will be free to do as you please. All best wishes to you.

I know very well how much it costs to afford a home and I know that raising a baby isn't cheap or easy. As I said I know its our own fault we have ended up in this position but im well aware of what raising a child includes

Why do I feel very sorry for the unborn child? All your responses just show how delusional you are.

You do realise this was never a long term relationship, and your future with him is very fragile without factoring in a baby. You’re young….. is this how you want to start your life.

What do you do and how much do you earn. / have in savings?

Children are EXPENSIVE. Your (ex?) boyfriend can choose to contribute the minimal required amount, which is based on his salary, and is pittance. Look this up.

Your parents will age. Do they still work? Trust me, someone in their 60s and 70s is significantly less able to look after a fodder / school child / teenager than they you think based on how they are now.

You will almost certainly need formal childcare. Full time nurseries are around £1200 here and more in the South.

Your job will suffer. Is your career well established enough to handle that?

Dating a single mum is much, much harder. Not many men your age will want a partner with a child. You’ll have very little or no time for dating for the first few years. Every man you meet, you will have to consider whether you would want to introduce to your kid, and whether that would be safe. Given the difficulties and the danger, if you do this, you would have to do it with the assumption that it is likely that you will not find a suitable partner and that this will be it -a family of you and one child.

(Of course, all this should have ideally been considered before you both chose not to use condoms.)

My parents are in their 40s and very much able to make their own choices if they didn't think i would be able to provide I can assure they would make me aware

TBH the way that his parents have reacted would make most women double down on their determination to have the baby. I certainly wouldn't take any advice or instructions from someone who shouted at me and insulted me. Their precious son knew that OP wasn't using any contraception and he still had sex with her without a condom. Maybe they should shout at him.

OP is 24 with a stable job and supportive parents. I'm sure she will be fine as a single parent. No-one should be forced to have an abortion that they don't want.

I don’t see how the BF and his family are forcing you to do anything? Your ex(?) is a piece of shit but you are the one with control here.

I think having an anti-abortion stance makes your decision making less likely to be ideal. You are bringing a baby into an environment in which one of its parents doesn’t want it and you don’t have a home of your own. Your decision making around men clearly needs a lot of work. It’s not likely the baby is going to get a great start in life. You sound young and immature (more so than your age suggests). Love is not nearly enough. But it is your choice. Not your family’s. Not your Ex’s family’s. And not ours. I don’t know why you’re here.

Well, he and his family sound horrible.

You can absolutely bring up a baby as a lone parent, I raised my son by myself for 9 years before I met my current partner (yes it was hard, but as long as you have a good support system, you’ll manage because you have to!).

However, whilst he might claim now that he wouldn’t want anything to do with the baby/child, he could easily decide to change his mind down the line, and then you’ll have him and his horrible family in your life (if you decide to co-parent) and it could even lead to court cases and all sorts of drama if they try to stir the pot.

Think carefully and weigh up your options, confide in people who care about you and don’t be hasty, you are still relatively early on, so you do have options.

I’m sorry you’re in this position (my reply to you is from my own experience by the way)

Your employer won’t be OK with you ‘working’ and parenting during business hours.

Sounds like you’re not separate / independent from your parents yet and in denial about what that and your personal financial situation will mean bringing a DC into it.

Youe body your choice.

All I will say is that I fell pregnant in my early 20s, and my decision about what to do was very naively influenced by the idea of the "baby" (despite facing lone parenthood).

But the thing is, they're not babies for very long.

They are toddlers, then there's primary school age, and then before you know it you're responsible for a teenager (have you seen Adolescence?)

When they hit 18 the responsibility doesn't magically disappear.

There are so many other things to consider outside of "baby", such as where you will live long term? If you have a boy do you have a support network of male role models for him to take the place of his father?

Eg. Would there be room for your child to have their own bedroom at your parents place? Is your parents place in a good school catchment area for primary and secondary?

Apologies if you've considered this sort of stuff, but I certainly hadn't.

Mine is now an adult, but lone parenting was hard (on both of us) even with supportive family, and it isn't what I would have chosen if I'd really thought things through.

Don't let anyone pressure you into a decision, the choice is entirely yours to make.

Thank you! It's been all about what he wants and no one has taken into consideration my thoughts and views on the situation as I said he was previously supportive and lead me into a position of false hope so obviously I've been preparing myself to have this child and now that I have why would I want to take that all away

You need to be aware that this man and his family could also fight for custodial rights after you have the baby. They may argue you are unfit. They may want to see the child. As the child grows older they may turn your child against you. This is what happened to a friend of mine and it caused years of unhappiness.

It's your body and your choice, no-one can force you. If the father doesn't want to be involved fine, cut off contact with him and make your own choices. Stop listening to them. Why are you talking to his family about this anyway, you're the only person who can make this decision. It may not seem fair but the only thing the father can control is whether to have unprotected sex, anything that happens after that is out of his control. There's a lesson for him.

I really do think you are underestimating the difficulties of being a single parent.
When you have your child, you will want your own space.
How long do you think your parents will be housing you? And yes you work full time but what will you do when your child falls sick? Or what about if you wanted to change jobs postpartum?
And also did you think about your child? How will your baby feel by growing up and not having their dad to be a part of their life? Kids do think about this you know.
What about if you wanted to get back into the dating world again? You do realise it's harder to date as a single mum right- and not all men will treat children the same way that's not biologically theirs.
@OneAquaShaker I dont think you have thought this through. Yes you said your parents will support you but for how long do you think?

Well you obviously wanted to get pregnant, I can't believe you'd risk your health by having sex with no precautions. Have they stopped doing sex ed at school?!

Do your parents not work? If they're in their forties they've still got 15+ years of work to go. Or do they also have these amazing WFH jobs that are super flexible and earn loads.

Me and my parents have spoken about long term arrangements and will baby is small and I might need help with feeding a changing im going to stay at home but once baby is older I plan on moving into my own place

On the face of it your body your choice.

But let’s be honest. You were knowingly having unprotected sex while not using contraception. So it’s absolutely true to say that you were actively trying to conceive. Nobody has unprotected sex if they’re not.

Now if you told him you weren’t using contraception then he was an active participant here and is equally responsible. But that still begs the question as to whether this really is a god idea.

You have both been remarkably stupid, and I have 0 sympathy for the fact that you’re now pregnant as it wasn’t unplanned or an accident. But now you need to ask yourself if you’re really able to go it alone now that he’s made it clear he wants no part in it.

Ignore his family. They are irrelevant here.

They’re not FORCING you to have an abortion - they’re strongly advising it. Two monumentally irresponsible young people who barely know each other and didn’t bother to use contraception because one of them has baby fever are not best placed to raise an infant.

But it is what it is and if you decide to go ahead with pregnancy - which it sounds like you will - I would cease contact with them until either a) family calms down and your ex mans up or b) baby is born and you can set CMS after him.

Either way, I’d be preparing for single motherhood as the fling has flung.

I've been looking into to charities that support single parents and I know its not going to be easy but there's not a single doubt in my mind that I wouldn't be able to raise this baby without its father

I would go for the abortion. I had one at 19 and looking back it was the best thing I ever did. Married now to a wonderful man and we have two kids. I would really urge you to think about the impact on this child having a father that either shows zero interest or is inconsistent with contact. What happens if you meet someone new and have a family with them as well. Will they treat your eldest the same? I read a lot on here that women never regret their kids but lots regret giving them a useless father.

Let’s face it his parents are right you did trap him. You wanted a baby and now you’ve got one. You say you have a good job that’s fine start saving for the baby and your own place as you won’t get one on the council.

I'm not denying that we were both naive or silly to think that pregnancy would never happen it takes two to tango at the end of the day but being told by his parents it's completely my fault is untrue