Father of the child and his family forcing me into getting an abortion

[OneAquaShaker]

A bit of back story, me and the father met in December so I know in terms of timing it is unconventional and not how I planned on becoming pregnant. We were in a relationship together and found out I was pregnant at the end of February when we found out me and the father were both over the moon and he asked me not to get an abortion. Up until the 8 week mark we have been discussing our future together and how excited we are to be parents. Fast forward to last Saturday the conversation came up to why I decided to come off the depo injection this time last year and I was honest and said its because at the time I was in a long term relationship where we both thought pregnancy was our next step but ultimately it didn't work out as he was abusive. From then the father and his family have made claims that I've baby trapped him and all I wanted out of him was to get pregnant. This is not the case I made the father aware when we first met I wasn't on contraception and he made no effort to protect himself, they've also claimed im unfit to be a mum as me and my family went over to his house to have a conversation about the situation and once we got there, I was shouted at and blamed by his parents and due to being shouted at I got upset and cried, his step dad then made a comment about how if this situation is stressing me am I sure im fit to raise a baby, they also tried to claim that I didn't tell the father I wasn't on contraception which isn't true, at no point have I said to the father that he needs to stick around I have asked him if he will be there to support me and the baby and he has made it clear he wants nothing to do with me and that I'm ruining his life and I needed to pick whether I wanted him or the baby and has told me I need to abort the baby multiple times, I have made it clear to him what my views on abortion are and told him it's my reproductive right to have this baby and its down to him if he's going to step up and be a father. I've been told I'm delusional and that I'm a manipulator and I'm abusing him. It's also come to my attention that one of his friends told him to try and convince me its my ex's child and not his so he can walk away with no ties to the baby. Am I being unfair to not have an abortion after originally being told to keep my pregnancy by the father and him being excited about and then changing his mind?

Thanks for getting back and giving your backstory, which does offer something because you had a baby at 23. You do not understand OPs needs for her DPs intervention. Ok!

There could be a number of reasons, culture for instance. Also families have their own dynamics, but that is not to suggest that because the OPs
DPs did meet up with the DPs of the father of her baby they are dysfunctional. On the whole the fact that they are supporting her and did intervene, suggests that they are functional and supportive rather than controlling.

The DPs of the father of the baby do not come over well in this sad situation. But as others have said if the family do have a change of heart, they won’t have had personality transplants and therefore might be problematic.

OP really needs to consider going it alone with family support. But also as I posted earlier, OP, do give your DPs as much consideration as they are giving you!

Neither of them seem to have even the faintest grasp of biology: if he wants to be recognised as a father he can go to court and get it sorted that way. A DNA test will confirm if he's the bio dad or not. No manipulation here, just 2 young adults doing little better than a pair of 15 yr olds.

OP, it seems as if you're relying on 'everything' working out in your favour from now onwards: you will continue to live happily with your parents until you can move (v soon) into your own place. Your parents will be able and happy to look after the child. Everyone will continue to get on with each other. You will be able to continue your job as your employer will enable you to be VERY parttime. Nothing unexpected, e.g. health problems for you or the baby OR your parents, redundancy or accidents for you or your parents, no other siblings needing the same help from them, No elderly parents needing help.
But life isn't like that.
You sound very defensive too. If you're this upset about your Bf's parents wanting you to have an abortion (not forcing you because they can't) how will you deal with all the other life problems which inevitably will come your way. Any obstacle anyone suggests is met by 'it won't be a problem/already sorted out, from you. Is it that you believe everything will work out for you and when/if it doesn't, it will be someone else's fault. Do you want us all to say you are the innocent victim of coercian from his family. Or do you actually want to have an abortion but want to blame them for your decision?

I was also pregnant at 19 but I was also with my partner and 30 years later we are still together:
The OP is not with this man and the child will not have parents who care for eachother. It’s a toxic environment and the poor thing isn’t even born.

Your body, your choice OP but as a single parent from 20wks pregnant at age 19. I can honestly say it's tough!

Finances wise you'll be scrapping money together for years, and yes I was working FT, and moved out of home. I did have family support. But childcare is so expensive! Also if your ex mucks around with maintenance then you can't rely on that either.

New babies are adorable but bloody hard work! Add into that being a young solo parent and you can kiss your social life/holidays goodbye for many years to come.

If you decide you want to date later on then it's a nightmare in itself. Finding time, not wanting to introduce a stranger too soon to your child. Finding someone whose happy to have a relationship with a young single mum isn't easy either.

So what are you hoping to get from this thread, if you've clearly decided you're having the baby?

What business is that of yours?! You’re only asking so that if she says they weren’t, you can lay into her! Back off

It doesn't matter. She's pregnant now. The person who gets to decide whether she keeps the baby or not is the OP. I don't think any one should be pressuring her either way.

OP said in her first post:

"This is not the case I made the father aware when we first met I wasn't on contraception and he made no effort to protect himself..."

Why would I lay into her? I was foolish with protection when I was younger and had a baby. I had a good job and supportive family and my daughter is my biggest joy.

This. I could never have predicted in the first few years of my child's life both grandparents who helped with childcare would pass away, relationship broke down and we now live a good distance apart with limited visits. My child also has SEN which when combined with my own health impact on my ability to work. Sometimes life doesn't work out as we planned and you have to be confident in your own ability to parent/support a child.

Well, given that she's having it, maybe it was.

If his intention WASN'T to have a baby, he should have worn a condom.

OP, if I were in your position, I’d stop reading this thread. (Maybe you already have.) You don’t want to have an abortion, and now you need to surround yourself with helpful and encouraging people, not people who suggest you must be mentally disabled to want to have this baby. Best of luck.

If he wants to have a relationship with it, then of course he should. If he can be a good father.

But currently he's telling her to get rid of it. So that kind of indicates that he's not invested in knowing it.

But regardless, he should pay. He didn't try to prevent conception so he needs to take 50% responsibility.

Well, yeah, it was. She doesn't hide that 🤷‍♀️

She was willing to compromise her health to do so by not using protection with a stranger, and he was stupid enough to do the same. If HE wasn't, there'd be no baby. Now he gets to pay for the next 18 years. Financially, as he should, and probably emotionally if and when he wakes up and wants a relationship with the child. The OP has already said that she, and her parents (wtf?) don't want him to have anything to do with the baby.

My parents had known each other for three weeks when my mum accidentally got pregnant. She was 19 and lived at home and had a menial job, so her circumstances were even worse than OP's. My parents have now been together 55 years. The point I'm therefore making is just because we don't live like that anymore doesn't mean women of OP's age are suddenly incapable of looking after a child. Yet everyone's acting like OP's going to be the worst mum ever. It's offensive to young mums and single parents
@SuperTrooper14 Longevity does not always = Healthy so I never understand posts like this. 55 years ago? They would have pretty much 'had' to get married, often a way to get 'out' of being at home. And although STIs were around, they were less likely to be exposed to any. There is absolutely no relevance to this post.
Anyone who finds offense at the way the OPs stupidity has been pointed out has their own issues 🤷‍♀️

First of all you weren’t on contraception and having unprotected sex, this means you were trying to conceive.

Secondly, if I was your ex partners parents I would be asking you to consider this (not forcing you into it) as your own parents don’t seem to have woken up to the reality of the situation and ask you to think about it or even ask you to think about the reality of what it will be like being a single mother.

You say you are financially stable, yet stay with your parents. Do you have a deposit saved up to buy your own place? You can’t rely on your job allowing you to wfh while looking after a toddler (most places are savvy of this and are introducing policy prohibiting it) and you can’t expect you will always work there or WFM. Do you know how much childcare costs. Do you make enough to cover mortgage, bills, childcare, food clothes and transport?

My daughter has just turned 2, I am with her Dad and we are supported by our families. But it is relentless, carving time out to do household tasks is hard, never mind looking after yourself and forget about socialising. I cannot imagine how hard it would be to do this as a single parent.

Then you also have the co parenting side of it. He is either going to continue being a loser and not showing up for his kid, so your heart will break each time you have to tell little Jeremy his daddy isn’t coming to see him again. Or he will fight all the way wanting 50/50, he may or may not get it, but you have to face reality that at somepoint you are going to have to pack up the most precious thing in your life away for days at a time where you have absolutely no control in what happens. Good co parenting is possible, but from what you have said it doesn’t sound like you or the dad are mature enough to make it happen.

It isn’t impossible to make it work, but your situation certainly isn’t setting you up for success.

I hope you are being 100% honest with your midwife at the booking in appointment about the conception, your finances and plans for childcare and your current relationship for the babies father. They need this to give you the right support and do the correct safe guarding.

You’ve dismissed that OPs parent have offered to help. It’s the man’s parents that don’t - but I would worry about them.

Plus that response is based on your actions @podulpopda - and I hope none of your children bring an unplanned pregnancy to your doorstep - but if they did you have every right to tell them that it’s not your responsibility. That they are at it alone. This is not the case for OP.

OPs parents have said that they want to help, and so until they change their mind, OP has a supportive family. I have a very similar family, I never ask them for help, they offer, and I’ve put nursery and other childcare in place so that I’m not solely reliant on them. They still have their lives - it’s not like they will cancel work for my child or a holiday or even an outing - they help when they are free but they love kids anyway - they chip in. When I walk the streets in the day or do the school run, I see many grandparents helping out. I also know many grandparents that say “no thanks, I’ve done my time”.

OP must be one of the lucky few with younger parents that actually want to help.

How are you doing @OneAquaShaker x