Father of the child and his family forcing me into getting an abortion

[OneAquaShaker]

A bit of back story, me and the father met in December so I know in terms of timing it is unconventional and not how I planned on becoming pregnant. We were in a relationship together and found out I was pregnant at the end of February when we found out me and the father were both over the moon and he asked me not to get an abortion. Up until the 8 week mark we have been discussing our future together and how excited we are to be parents. Fast forward to last Saturday the conversation came up to why I decided to come off the depo injection this time last year and I was honest and said its because at the time I was in a long term relationship where we both thought pregnancy was our next step but ultimately it didn't work out as he was abusive. From then the father and his family have made claims that I've baby trapped him and all I wanted out of him was to get pregnant. This is not the case I made the father aware when we first met I wasn't on contraception and he made no effort to protect himself, they've also claimed im unfit to be a mum as me and my family went over to his house to have a conversation about the situation and once we got there, I was shouted at and blamed by his parents and due to being shouted at I got upset and cried, his step dad then made a comment about how if this situation is stressing me am I sure im fit to raise a baby, they also tried to claim that I didn't tell the father I wasn't on contraception which isn't true, at no point have I said to the father that he needs to stick around I have asked him if he will be there to support me and the baby and he has made it clear he wants nothing to do with me and that I'm ruining his life and I needed to pick whether I wanted him or the baby and has told me I need to abort the baby multiple times, I have made it clear to him what my views on abortion are and told him it's my reproductive right to have this baby and its down to him if he's going to step up and be a father. I've been told I'm delusional and that I'm a manipulator and I'm abusing him. It's also come to my attention that one of his friends told him to try and convince me its my ex's child and not his so he can walk away with no ties to the baby. Am I being unfair to not have an abortion after originally being told to keep my pregnancy by the father and him being excited about and then changing his mind?

Take responsibility for your choices. Your personal situation IS down to you. It’s not the ‘cards you’ve been dealt’ or random it’s down to choices you made. It won’t help you as a mother or adult to ignore that.

Don’t engage with your ex’s family if you don’t want to.

All good and well to say keep the baby, but that is the selfish reason which benefits only you. This child will have a toxic environment on his father’s side. Are you Willing to hand over your child every other weekend to these people? Are you willing for your child to have a troubled life knowing his father and family will make it difficult? You were equally foolish to not use protection. Sounds like the worst situation to bring a child into but off course it’s what about you want here not the child.

Gosh you are only 24, why the rush? You have time to meet someone lovely to share parenthood with, move out of your parent's house and prepare a good home for a child.

Instead you will have a horrible ex to deal with. You live with your parents, you may find they interfere too much or they may even decide to back out of helping once reality sets in. You are reliant on single parent charities. Is this really the life you want when you can choose better?

With the abusive family on the dad’s side you would be hoping to go it alone! They sound terrifying.
There will be 18 years of god knows what from that lot.

Something is very off about the tone of OP's replies . . .

Im not being funny but are you financially secure to bring a baby into the world? It's great your DD and DM are supportive, but you have over 20years of financial commitment here. If you are not financially stable then I'd say do not keep the baby.

Add to this its father doesn't want to know ' or maybe his parents have persuaded him to that position (at 26yo it all sounds very immature to me) but then maybe his parents are on the same headspace as me - he's not financially capable of supporting a child.

It's irresponsible to leave birth control to chance - you've been seeing him since Dec wtf.

If you're in the UK, as a tax payer Im fed up of covering financially insecure parents. If that's you then YABU.

.your story does not make any sense, it is filled with contradictions, which is what people are picking up on. It’s either:

A Wind-up

You wanted a baby, and got pregnant at the first opportunity - and knew it was highly likely

or

You are very very naive

Thank you! Your words mean a lot its been hard to navigate and I thought by reaching out to other parents I'd be in a safe place

Of course it's your choice but you should factor in that this man and his batshit family are going to be in your life for the next 18 years. They will likely decide they want contact with the baby at some point and they don't sound like normal reasonable people.

This times a million. What toxic abusive behaviour.

Don't bet on them staying disinterested once the baby comes along op.

Hes more than financially secure he earns between £45 to 60k a year and was willing to take on more shifts at work to support me and the baby when we first found out

What’s the maternity pay/leave like at this magical, great, well-paying job of yours? I imagine it will be marvellous yes?

Why? It’s the truth.

Or should people just say “there there, it was an accident, what a bastard he is,” when it’s blatantly obvious that OP was trying to get pregnant and quite happy to do so. And he is equally responsible by not using contraceptive, although OP claims that she told him she was using contraception although given the circumstances that’s dubious.

If she did tell him and they continued to have unprotected sex then that’s on both of them and yes, they are clearly immature and foolish. They’ve been together five minutes and already planning a child? On what planet is that anything other than stupid?

We’re not talking about them buying a car together or moving in too hastily, this is a child we’re talking about. Not just a baby, but a person who is going to grow into an adult in their own right. And we need to stop downplaying that fact when talking about people who get themselves into these situations.

It’s time we stopped being so casual about bringing children into the world which are automatically going to be disadvantaged and have to grow up paying the price for their parents’ decisions.

You haven't really responded to any of the posts saying about 50/50 access.

Regardless of what he says now he and his family may change their then completely once baby is here and you could find yourself in a co parenting relationship with him for the next 18 years, and sharing graduations and weddings with him and his family.

I wouldn't suggest you have a abortion because it's 'your fault' or because his family want it, but I'd think carefully about what co parenting with this guy could involve.

You becoming a mother is your 100% your fault. Him becoming a father is 100% his fault. You knowingly and willingly had unprotected sex. It's not 'cards you've been dealt', you knew this would happen. You are not a victim. You did this, you, on your own.

You talk about being a single parent, as others have said, that may not be the case. The father may fight for custody. We don't know what your circumstances are or his so we cannot say but as you are not supporting yourself and relying on family and charities to help you, there's a chance he may be better positioned to bring the child up. You could find he gets 50% or, as someone else said, you are clearly not mature enough to be a parent - you could be deemed unfit and he might get more than 50%. Please don't assume you're going to live happily ever after with 100% of the child's care whilst others fund you and your company allows you to parent and work at the same time. You're living in cloud cuckoo land.

You thought he was infertile but were planning a family??

You seem hopelessly naive about what bringing up a child solo in your situation will look like.

I suspect your employer is generous about letting people take time out briefly for the school run or watch a nativity. Occasionally logging on while looking after a baby is not going to be acceptable.

What will happen if the child becomes more like your DPs child than yours? It comes across that you have a rosy picture of parenting the perfect baby not the reality of broken nights, wrangling trucculent toddlers, trying to juggle school/work/clubs, negotiating the tweenage/teenage/college years.

Perhaps your parents can see your determination to have a child and are being supportive but have they really thought about the potential impact on their own relationship and plans for the future.

Jesus, You two had only known each other for a month or two yet you were excited about having a baby and planning your future? And you were planning a baby in a previous abusive relationship? He obviously got cold feet. Have a good think if single parenthood is what you want and what it will entail going it alone. It needs not just love but planning, organisation and placing your wants and desires on the back burner for a couple of decades. And with an acrimonious relationship with the father.

I support any woman’s decision to choose whether to terminate their pregnancy or not.

However, various posters have asked you what you will do if he/his family go for 50/50 access?

Once the baby is here, you may well find they want to be heavily involved. I genuinely would have had a breakdown if I had been made to hand over my baby half the week/month.

Read the threads on MN. Responsibility doesn’t end at 18. Having a child is a massive, and not always positive, commitment. For life. And what if the child has additional needs? Free to do as you please is just wishful thinking.

@Never2many Regardless of what you think of the circumstances or the situation, I think it's a disgusting way to speak to a vulnerable 8 week pregnant woman who says she is being pressured to have an abortion.

Women piling shame on other women at their lowest.

Thank you! I really appreciate your kind words

DO NOT be coerced into an abortion. Ds2s dad tried to force me into one despite asking me to come off contraception (I continued to take my pill regardless as didnt want a child with him but still fell pregnant).

We had split due to his cheating a week before i found out I was pregnant. As soon as he went off with his mistress, he tried to force me to abort. He even rang me up during the pregnancy to tell me his new woman was pregnant too. He lated admitted it was a lie in the hopes I would abort. 😬

I continued with the pregnancy and so happy I did. Ds2 is the most wonderful, kind boy and I love him to pieces.

It’s your choice of course but a termination late along in the first trimester can be quite traumatic (from what I’ve heard from my friends that have had one).

DO be prepared to raise the baby alone but if you have a supportive family, it’s very possible. Don’t expect any input or help from your ex. Ds2s dad wasn’t involved in the pregnancy but did crawl back for a few months once ds2 was born. The excitement soon wore off and we’ve never heard from him since. He doesn’t contribute financially.

However, you do need to be prepared that he could rock up for the next 18 years at any given point and demand access to the child. The court will do a DNA test if he’s not on thr BC and he will be granted access if there is no safeguarding concerns.

All the best. 😊

All this ‘just sprinkle it with love and joy’ crap is completely ridiculous.
This is an actual child being brought into an increasingly difficult and expensive world, not a cabbage patch doll.

I'm sorry the parents shouted at you but they will be protecting their child. They can see his life being different now with having to financially support a child he may regret for then next 20 years. They shouldn't have tried to influence you into an abortion but from their view point this is ruining his life.

It's your body, your choice.

It sounds like you have great family support, a good job, and can do this alone.

When his parents were shouting at you, what did you parents do/say? I'm not even sure why you all got together in the first place.

He'll get access and you can't control what goes on. There'll be step mums and possibly half siblings. Is your Mum likely to want to take over? If the other family get access, are your parents likely to make issues? It's tough parenting with someone who doesn't have your values. Although there are lots of single parents, it can be difficult for the children. My eldest grand-daughter asked me why her Mum and Dad couldn't live together, on a day out, after watching two parent families. As much as we (the family) pitch in, in every way, my DD is financially disadvantaged by being a single parent. The children want her, so it limits work and her social life. You'll still want to date, have sex etc. She was a similar age to you and was pulled in every direction.

Life changes, people become unwell etc, so the support promised, might not be possible. You will need childcare during working hours, so it's something to discuss with your parents. Living in their house and relying on them means you might have to fight for your boundaries and for them to give you the respect, as the child's primary parent. When it comes to children, you don't know what you are going to get. One that's placid, or one that screams when put down, which can mean no sleep for anyone In the house. Then there's disabilities. I could pick up my GC and have them in mine, while my DD napped. I had toy free downtime. Does your Dad want to go back to the baby days and more importantly, the toddler years? There's a lot more to think and talk about.