Father of the child and his family forcing me into getting an abortion

[OneAquaShaker]

A bit of back story, me and the father met in December so I know in terms of timing it is unconventional and not how I planned on becoming pregnant. We were in a relationship together and found out I was pregnant at the end of February when we found out me and the father were both over the moon and he asked me not to get an abortion. Up until the 8 week mark we have been discussing our future together and how excited we are to be parents. Fast forward to last Saturday the conversation came up to why I decided to come off the depo injection this time last year and I was honest and said its because at the time I was in a long term relationship where we both thought pregnancy was our next step but ultimately it didn't work out as he was abusive. From then the father and his family have made claims that I've baby trapped him and all I wanted out of him was to get pregnant. This is not the case I made the father aware when we first met I wasn't on contraception and he made no effort to protect himself, they've also claimed im unfit to be a mum as me and my family went over to his house to have a conversation about the situation and once we got there, I was shouted at and blamed by his parents and due to being shouted at I got upset and cried, his step dad then made a comment about how if this situation is stressing me am I sure im fit to raise a baby, they also tried to claim that I didn't tell the father I wasn't on contraception which isn't true, at no point have I said to the father that he needs to stick around I have asked him if he will be there to support me and the baby and he has made it clear he wants nothing to do with me and that I'm ruining his life and I needed to pick whether I wanted him or the baby and has told me I need to abort the baby multiple times, I have made it clear to him what my views on abortion are and told him it's my reproductive right to have this baby and its down to him if he's going to step up and be a father. I've been told I'm delusional and that I'm a manipulator and I'm abusing him. It's also come to my attention that one of his friends told him to try and convince me its my ex's child and not his so he can walk away with no ties to the baby. Am I being unfair to not have an abortion after originally being told to keep my pregnancy by the father and him being excited about and then changing his mind?

If a man doesn't wear a condom he has no say whatsoever in the resulting pregnancy. But you should have made him have a test first, you won't know if he has HIV or syphilis.

But your family don’t get to make that decision. If the father of your baby wants any involvement with the baby (and remember he might be pushed into it by his family wanting to see their grandchild regularly once it’s born) you will have to have some sort of contact with him for the next 18 years.

It's your choice, but if you decide to go ahead with the birth you won’t be able to just ignore the father's rights if he chooses to exercise them.

I am sorry to ask but is there a cultural thing at play? 26 years old men/24 years old women are grown up enough not to have parents going to each others house tl discuss the "situation ". I honestly thought you were a teenager from your OP.
Second, if this man didn't use protection you shouldn't have had sex with him. Simples.

On what planet are parents free to do as they please once their children hit 18?

I have seen many summers, and it was quite common place to have a first baby <25yrs when I was young.
I know plenty of young mums that made fantastic parents, so if you’re sure it’s what you want go for it. But don’t be underestimating what hard work child rearing is and also consider if you want to be tied to this man for the next 20 yrs.
And going forward get contraception sorted out, one mistake is enough. Knowing someone a matter of weeks is not long enough to assess if they are father material!

My family are being so supportive and don't want me or baby to have any contact with him or his family

Not your call. You and your partner are both very immature and irresponsible.

There's no point arguing about how you got pregnant and who's fault it is, either way, you're pregnant now.

You want to go it alone and you seem pretty sensible about the practicality of having a baby.

I was 25 when I was in the same situation. I kept the baby, I didn't put dad on the birth certificate because at that time he wasn't being reliable or responsible. Its not been easy, but I didn't have family support like you plan to have.

My son is 8 now, dad does see him but not consistently. But he is a loving dad when he does see him though.

So you think the father should be forced to pay to support the child for 18 years but should never be allowed to meet the child or introduce the child to his side of its family?

This is the bit that worries me. To what degree do you financially support your parents? Do they work, you haven't answered that, I'm guessing not. You sound not only naive but very sad and unhappy. You have tried to get pregnant with 2 unsuitable men/boys, an abusive ex, still live at home, your only plan is to get pregnant.
These are your best years to make friends, career, parties, travel and explore life.
I had friends who wanted to get pregnant young because they were unhappy and were looking for love, all tried to trap the father into staying with them. They had unhappy childhoods and home life, no money growing up, enmeshed, co dependent family and just wanted to make their own perfect little unit to escape their unhappiness. I wonder if this is you.
I don't blame the other family for not wanting their son throwing his life away but they shouldn't have been nasty.
I hope it all goes well and you find happiness.

I'm puzzled - what made him go from 'excited about being a parent with you and planning your future together' to 'not wanting to know and pressurising you to abort'?

You sound extremely naive. I’ve been a lone parent for 15 years. You need more than love to do it well. And it won’t be your choice whether your ex has access or not, if it goes to court he will get it. If you go forward with this, do not put him on the birth certificate.

Let’s face it. You and the babies father are virtual strangers , of course his family aren’t going to be over the moon but he has only himself to blame.
Having said that he and his family clearly believe that you set out to trap him and I doubt he will be involved apart from the bare minimum of child support.
I hope you know what your signing up for here, you’re only 24 and had a whole world of time to have kids later so you could travel, holiday and generally live a little.

You seem to be a little bit away with the fairies about how lonely and hard it can me even with parental support.

How sad for the child.
If you were my child I’d suggest that you get an abortion. You are still so young and will have plenty of opportunities to meet someone and have a family with them when you are more mature and settled. The naivety you’ve shown by getting pregnant with this guy and then thinking he will be around to support you is worrying. This shouldn’t be about what you want it should be about what’s best for any potential child. As a mum you should always prioritize what’s best for your kids and having a 24 year old single mum who lives with her parents and an estranged immature ‘Dad’ with an unpleasant family is not good. I know people manage but wouldn’t it be so much easier to have a family with a guy who supports you and any kids you have together.

what if the Dad and his family decide they want 50/50 with the kid? How is that going to work? How would you feel about that? They’ve already shown you what they are like. Why would you choose that for a child when you can wait until you are in a better position.

You aren’t thinking of what’s best for a child.

These threads are so frustrating. What are you thinking will happen? Living at home with parents. You sound very foolish and immature. You can make your own decision about the baby and no one can force you to have an abortion but please think carefully how you are going to manage and fund the next 18 years.

Look to the future. You do have some growing up to do yourself.

Your parents are young enough to be my children 😶 , you have a good job, hopefully mat leave in place, a welcoming home and support, and a baby who'll be wanted and loved by at least three people. So many new mums and babies have none of that.

Your ex and his parents have zero power over you. They will miss out on the joy of a child and grandchild, which they may bitterly regret one day.

What he does have is responsibilities.

They will fight it, but he will be liable for child maintenance.

Personally, I'd keep everything businesslike, polite - and in writing. Avoid calls and texts, use email.

And I'd offer access, meetings, the opportunity for them to get to know their child/grandchild.

Be prepared for nasty responses (and keep them, should they try anything sneaky in future).

All the best for you, your baby and your brilliant parents.

There’s so much to unpack here…

Firstly, have you tried to think from your child’s perspective? Cute little cherubs grow into adults that have their own issues. What are you going to tell your child? That they were abandoned by their father and thus making them wonder what’s so unlikeable about them for the rest of their life? What if the father is there in a little while and you have to co parent with his horrible family?

You may be able to provide for your child financially but there’s no denial that children need both mum and dad. It happens of course when there’s no choice but you do have a choice.

Secondly, you understand that becoming a mother is like nothing else? At this point in time you won’t be able to comprehend it but the hormones will change your brain and the pregnancy will change your body forever. The way that you see yourself, everything about you. Not to mention that labour can be very hard and dangerous.

It’s great if your baby is healthy. Have you considered what if they are not? Will your family provide full childcare? Why though put it on their shoulders?

Then… you know when I was 24 I made sure I used condoms as well as being on the pill as I didn’t want to saddle myself with a baby. It’s your responsibility, you cannot say he made no effort to stop this pregnancy because ultimately it’s your responsibility. You could have told him to use a condom. Not to mention STIs. You really should be wiser in choosing whom you have a baby with. A man whom you met 3 months ago is not a suitable father.

You can go ahead and have a baby ofcourse. It’s your decision. If I were you I’d call the dad and tell him that indeed it’s your ex’s baby so that he doesn’t try and come back into your life.

with someone you had been with for two months?
I feel sorry for the child
You really need to grow up.

Going to be honest. If my kids, not only in their 20’s but at any age, told me the’s planned a baby with someone they had been dating for 4 weeks (which is what having sex with no contraceptives is doing), I’d think they’d suffered a head injury. As the Mumsnet saying goes, this is far shorter than you have cheese in the fridge, and the majority of condiments far outlast this. So, it’s bad judgement at its finest.

Doesn’t seem like anyone is forcing anything, other than telling you things you don’t wish to hear, and letting you know who they really are (again, if it went past 4 weeks they may not have been able to keep up any act). It’s all up to you, you must do exactly what you want. Don’t be naive though, while I totally agree with not putting his name on the BC, the reality is, you will likely be stuck with a guy you knew for all of 4 weeks before getting pregnant, who seems to be a dickhead, and who has a dickhead family, for the next 21 odd years, plus adding in milestones after that. While your family is supportive, which is great, he and his will likely enter stage left at some point which can affect all aspects of your life including future relationships, where you are able to move etc. If you are happy with that, crack on. If not, it makes it more complicated and you need to consider it in totality.

She told him she wasn't using protection so hardly trapped him. Amazingly men can actually take responsibility for making sure his partner doesn't get pregnant.
Don't have an abortion for him. It is absolutely up to you. I had one because I was pressured by the father ,(very different situations to yours though) when I was 21.
Despite having 3 children and being married (to a different man); I'm still not really over killing my baby. I still think that I should have 4 children really and this was over 20 years ago.
If you go ahead don't put him on the birth certificate but make sure he pays.
Also if he takes his mates advice (who also sounds like a prick) and tries to claim it's your ex's get a DNA test.

What a mess. You’re pregnant due to being irresponsible a few months into a relationship. You think love and WFH is what the baby needs. And approaching charities for support?! Sorry, what? You said you could provide a fantastic life for the baby, but you’re not independent or financially secure. You’re going to be it seems dependent on the state. Will you live with your parents long term and have no future relationships? Your thinking is at best naive and if not foolish and approaching this like a much younger person. Babies are not commodities. Children have a sensitive emotional health and your attitudes and decision making are worrying for them is baby’s future.
I am not in any way pushing abortion, but consider how to provide stability for the child long term. It’s c
going to mean considerable sacrifices on your part.

So this man is bright enough to earn £60k a year but so unbelievably stupid that he had unprotected sex with a woman he barely knows and that is immature way beyond her years. Hmmm... this sounded like a fairy story from the beginning but I think you just fully outed yourself as a troll.

Hi OP,

Sorry to highjack your thread, we just wanted to pop by to remind everyone to engage in civil conversation, even if you don't agree with another post.

Here you will receive lots of support and advice from the community but please report any posts which break Talk Guidelines.

That's not what your OP says, though, it says that you stopped it so you could get pregnant with your previous partner.

You do seem very passive in all this.

Your employer won’t be OK with you ‘working’ and parenting during business hours.

This.

Op, this was me 18 years ago. Almost this very situation.

My son came home last week with flowers and chocolates just to say how much he appreciates me.

That's enough for me to know I've done my job as a parent on my own