Father of the child and his family forcing me into getting an abortion

[OneAquaShaker]

A bit of back story, me and the father met in December so I know in terms of timing it is unconventional and not how I planned on becoming pregnant. We were in a relationship together and found out I was pregnant at the end of February when we found out me and the father were both over the moon and he asked me not to get an abortion. Up until the 8 week mark we have been discussing our future together and how excited we are to be parents. Fast forward to last Saturday the conversation came up to why I decided to come off the depo injection this time last year and I was honest and said its because at the time I was in a long term relationship where we both thought pregnancy was our next step but ultimately it didn't work out as he was abusive. From then the father and his family have made claims that I've baby trapped him and all I wanted out of him was to get pregnant. This is not the case I made the father aware when we first met I wasn't on contraception and he made no effort to protect himself, they've also claimed im unfit to be a mum as me and my family went over to his house to have a conversation about the situation and once we got there, I was shouted at and blamed by his parents and due to being shouted at I got upset and cried, his step dad then made a comment about how if this situation is stressing me am I sure im fit to raise a baby, they also tried to claim that I didn't tell the father I wasn't on contraception which isn't true, at no point have I said to the father that he needs to stick around I have asked him if he will be there to support me and the baby and he has made it clear he wants nothing to do with me and that I'm ruining his life and I needed to pick whether I wanted him or the baby and has told me I need to abort the baby multiple times, I have made it clear to him what my views on abortion are and told him it's my reproductive right to have this baby and its down to him if he's going to step up and be a father. I've been told I'm delusional and that I'm a manipulator and I'm abusing him. It's also come to my attention that one of his friends told him to try and convince me its my ex's child and not his so he can walk away with no ties to the baby. Am I being unfair to not have an abortion after originally being told to keep my pregnancy by the father and him being excited about and then changing his mind?

This. You have to think of 18 years of child raising.
How will you arrange and pay for child care while you work.
Will you live with your parents until you are in your 40s, if not how will you provide a home
How will you cope with work and school holidays
When you meet another man how will you introduce your child and what happens if you become pregnant again.
It’s easy to just think of the baby bubble stage but raising a child is a demanding 18 years. Think hard about the long term future for yourself and your child.

OP, I hope you’re ignoring all the pointless comments and questions about why you got into this situation.

Your parents sound wonderful, and there’s no reason why your baby shouldn’t grow up safe and happy.

Do consider what pp said about not putting the father’s name on the birth certificate. You don’t want him and his hostile family having any power over you and your baby. You could still let him have contact if he wants to, and if you feel that would be good for the baby.

Best of luck to you and your family xx

People aren’t telling you it’s 100% your fault. They are calling you naive to not have been aware of the risk you were taking. That is not the same as saying that your BF isn’t equally responsible for the pregnancy and it’s all on you.

Many posters are suggesting that your decision to keep the baby is not a good one. That decision is 100% yours and it should never be any other way. That’s not the same as blaming you for the pregnancy.

Also why is everyone on this thread against families helping to raise babies! Western society is broken because family units are disconnected, live far from eachother and can’t build the “village” a child needs - and all of this is being reflected in society - mum takes on the load and nobody helps.

Studies have shown that countries that favour large family units or families living close by are happier.

In my case my family want to help - not everyone in society sees children as horrible creatures that they want to stay away from. I know aunties that have stepped in for their nieces and nephews; grandmas that work less anyway and are happy to do a few hours a day and uncles that do school pick up. Having children is hard - yes - but it’s part of life. The same way some of us step up when something happens to a loved one.

OP, you have had a few replies on here from women that have been through it. Yes it’s a daft life choice but here you are. Focus on you and the baby, work hard towards stability. Ignore the dads family, who sound like half of the posters on here.

Did you want to get pregnant? You weren't using contraception so you must have known it was very likely that you would.

His family can't force you to have an abortion. Just don't have anything more to do with them. You can't force him to have anything to do with you or the baby but you can claim CM when the time comes.

Stay away from him and his family, stress is bad for you and the baby. Look after yourself 💐

Because we are getting the OP’s side of it, I wouldn’t want my children having babies and expecting me to raise them in my house with my help. I just wouldn’t. She says her parents are happy to help but they’re also young and of working age themselves, it’s also putting a lot of reliance on other people that may change their minds. It’s one thing to put that on a parent when you’ve accidentally got pregnant, it’s another when you’ve done it so purposefully and thoughtlessly. I’d be really cross if a child did that to me.

YABU, though I'm sure this will be an unpopular opinion.

You're on about bringing a child in to the world that you KNOW will be unwanted by one of their parents. That's not fair on the child, and if it can be avoided it should.

Your desire for a child shouldn't outweigh what's right or fair for said child.

I think you’re focusing on the wrong thing here - his parents sound very unkind and he sounds idiotic that he had unprotected sex not wanting a baby. But… they aren’t the issue right now, forget them. If you want this baby, you need to link in with some supports to figure out how to parent because you really don’t sound like you have a clue (lots of people don’t, that’s not me being insulting, it’s just hard to conceptualise until you’re in it) Feeding and changing the baby won’t be the tricky part - there’s so much more to being a mother and it is a little concerning that you seem from these messages to be unaware of what it entails. You can’t work full time and mind a baby (you won’t get any work done and it’s neglectful - babies and toddlers need interaction, minding, engaging, supporting pretty much all the time and it’s full on to do it properly). Your parents are very young so that’s good they want to support and will have lots of energy to do so, but you will be responsible for someone else 24/7 who is completely dependent on you.
I completely understand you not wanting to have an abortion but you need to stop worrying about some random people and focus on how to be a good parent. And get some therapy to figure out what’s going on in your relationships and figure out responsible sex, because if not, the likelihood is that you’ll be pregnant with another man’s child shortly after because he says he wants to be a family but who won’t stay around when he realises how hard it is - you sound very vulnerable when you describe your last two relationships.

It’s your choice what you do and it’s great that your parents are supportive. But realise that you are tying yourself to this man and his family for decades, and your child forever. You can walk away from him now (and should) but it’s highly likely he will be back wanting some custody in the future- especially when he starts paying. This will never be just your baby, it’s his too, and it could make the future hard work.

You do whatever you want to do. This is not his family's, his, or your family's choice - it is yours and yours alone. Plenty of people make great mums, single or otherwise at 24 (I was married and had two children by then).

Some things to consider -

• I'm not sure him not being involved is what you should worry about, it's him being involved! Can you imagine him demanding as much time as possible with your precious bundle, taking the baby round to his family's, having them making it all 10 times more difficult for you?
• You absolutely won't be able to work from home with a child under school age. You can just about do it in an emergency when childcare falls through but how will you do high quality work with a screaming, pooping infant? Or a crawling infant trying to stick it's fingers in a plug. At most you'll have 4 hours nap time to work but some babies only nap on you, in the pram etc. You have maternity leave to figure this out.
• I know plenty of people do it, but single parenting in the primary years looks so, so hard and lonely.
• You will have to forgo relationships for a long time and any new relationship will be very different with a child in tow. Many people will not be interested in little kids or blended families.

Hope you make the right decision for you.

Your body your choice. What you cannot do however is force him to have a relationship with you. Be prepared to be a single mum and if you are happy with that, that’s your choice.

Does seem like you both have been pretty stupid, you for lurching from talking about having babies with one boyfriend straight into having one with the next. Any reason why you didn’t take steps to prevent pregnancy?

And him for not using condoms either. You both sound immature and in no way ready to have kids, emotionally, financially, the lot.

Yet another man who takes no responsibility for contraception and then is surprised when conception takes place.

Do what you want.
Want the baby? Keep it.

But cut off contact with him because he will wreck your life. Literally block him and his family. Apply for CM through official channels once the baby is born.

At best you have been ridiculously naive about contraception (I’m not at all convinced that at 24 with no learning difficulties that you didn’t think unprotected sex would lead to pregnancy) but it’s your body and no one should be pressuring you into an unwanted abortion. I’d block his family, send him periodic updates such as a scan pic if you want to but don’t get pulled into dialogue with him, don’t put his name on the birth certificate and file a CMS claim when baby is born.

Neither did you! You can buy condoms, you know!

You sound so stupidly immature, I can't believe this is real!!

Have you thought about the fact that if he does suddenly accept he’s the father, gets a paternity test etc, he may fight for shared custody and you would have to allow your baby to go and be looked after and influenced by these absolutely horrid people? You can influence how you raise the child but unfortunately not what they do.

Your choice 100% but you have time to still meet someone lovely and who would be a great father.

And women are so stupid then that they have no choice other than to lie down and make a baby. She had EQUAL responsibility here, unless her intention was to have the baby.

This does like a couple of 15 year olds being together for a week and saying oh we love each other and want a baby!

Nonetheless, his family are vile and you're lucky to have the support of yours. Just be prepared for a shed load of stress and drama over the next few years (possibly the next 18+).

OP, I think if you’d have posted somewhere other than AIBU, you might have had more measured/helpful responses. You can ask MN HQ to move it if you want.

You take an std test AFTER you have unprotected sex?? I'm starting to think this is a wind up now.

I agree with you but what on earth are you reporting?!

I had my first child at 25, the father tried the same "attempt to make me have an abortion" nonsense.

I refused. Father is completely absent. My lovely oldest son is 14 and now has 2 siblings. I did not live with my parents and did not have a team situation raising my son as I live in a different country to my family but I have never once regretted having my child.
You clearly want the baby (as I did). So do it. You will make it work.
Good luck 💙

Aborting a baby you want to keep is a recipe for damaged future emotional health, which can be very long lasting too.

Have the baby if you want it and you think you can give it a good life. But just be aware that it won't be easy and prepare as much as you can, financially and emotionally.

"Hes more than financially secure he earns between £45 to 60k a year and was willing to take on more shifts at work to support me and the baby when we first found out"

If he gets 50% access, he doesn't have to pay you a penny. He then also doesn't have to particularly spend money on his child and that's when your (and your parents) resentment will build. Or he could use his money to play Disney Dad. Just think about what it's going to be like managing him, his parents and your parents, especially when you rely on them. It's been a nightmare with my DD's ex, it's only now, when my Granddaughter has turned ten and can vote with her feet, not to see him, so he's had to get his shit together.

I think it’s very unfair to your parents.
They have done their time as parents and while they will love a baby they will be exhausted by a toddler/teen.
Have you any plans to move out and be independent? I do not think you are set up to be a parent,in reality you are a dependent and your child will be another dependent.