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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To be upset DS is going to double barrel his surname when he gets married?

743 replies

MsArgent · 06/04/2025 00:41

DS is due to marry his girlfriend soon and they have recently announced they’re going to double barrel. I am not against double barrelled surnames and I do of course understand that it’s 2025 and more of a modern concept to keep it “fair”. However it’s truly just too long. Her surname is really quite long, along the lines of Williamson and we have a 2 syllable 8 letter one! I have asked him what he wants and he said originally he didn’t consider it and did think it would just be his surname, until she spoke up about what she wanted and he was open to it and said yes. I asked if he responded to it at all and questioned the practicality and he just says no he didn’t because it’s not a big deal. I think he is completely undermining how much of a burden having to keep repeating and spelling the double barrelled names will be, especially as they are hoping for children one day. I get it’s his life but what is the general opinion on this? I am curious if he would change his mind when realising what people will actually be thinking behind his back. Grandparents are horrified but I have tried to explain it’s more usual nowadays and DH doesn’t like it at all but hasn’t said anything yet

OP posts:

DeskJotter · 06/04/2025 06:52

I am curious if he would change his mind when realising what people will actually be thinking behind his back.

If your concern is that people would be talking about him behind his back (bad thing), then you should stop talking about him behind his back. You are the problem.

DeskJotter · 06/04/2025 06:56

Contentment1628 · 06/04/2025 03:11

Double barrelled surnames are awful but it’s their choice what to use not yours.

Why are they awful?

Parker231 · 06/04/2025 07:01

TheCountofMountingCrispBags · 06/04/2025 06:17

They abu on the grounds of taste and etiquette. Unless one is born with a silver spoon in one's mouth and one's dad owns half of Leicester, dounle-barrelled names scream either nouveau-riche or just a bit...eew.

So which surname should a couple take when they get married?

MindlessDaydream · 06/04/2025 07:01

DrRichardWebber · 06/04/2025 04:21

My double barrelled surname is 16 letters and 5 syllables. It’s no issue whatsoever. Our children have the same surname. Chill out.

Exactly, OP chill out.

I have an inordinately long first and surname (not double barreled) and I'm fine. This is a massive non issue.

DeskJotter · 06/04/2025 07:01

Dutchhouse14 · 06/04/2025 04:32

Double barrelling surnames is fine and much more common now.
DH already had a double barrelled name when I married him so we couldn't really make it triple barrelled. When I married double barreled surnames were a rarity and DH was bullied at school because of his but this would not be the case now.
I wonder what future generations will do?
A surname is part of your identity so it's understandable she wants to keep hers.
However double barrelled names can sometimes be a pita, too characters for a form or even a bank card, login on websites (enter surname and booking ref) not really recognising them, surname just a space surname, surname hypon surname or a space between the hypon, at one end or both? I used to often be told by a website I had an invalid surname although not recently thankfully.
However when a new IT system was bought in at work about 5 years ago I was asked to drop half my surname as they couldn't accommodate the number of characters!!
Picking up an order that is filled in alphabetical order, omg my chemist has issues with this, they virtually search the entire alphabet!
For speed, if I phone up and make a booking for example, I usually use just the last part of the surname.
Also my dyslexic DS would have been much happier with a shorter surname 😂

I have a double-barrelled surname and I have never experienced any of these problems. You must have been very unlucky.

arlequin · 06/04/2025 07:03

@MsArgent I’m a mum of 2 boys and I think a lot about how to make sure any potential future DILs and I have a great relationship. I think my main thing is not to share my views on things unless absolutely necessary as it inevitably comes across as criticism. Did you have a MIL and if so, think about the things that you found uncomfortable. It’s hard sometimes to know that your children make different choices from you but this one I would say is not something to get involved in!

thepariscrimefiles · 06/04/2025 07:03

MsArgent · 06/04/2025 01:00

To be fair, I am not horrified, I think that’s just their generation. I don’t think him just taking her surname is fair and nor do I think DS would want to completely lose his. I am nice to her! I am not sure how it’s come to the conclusion I’m awful to her just because I think the surname will be a pain for everyone and living to regret something like that isn’t ideal. He would do absolutely anything for her and I truly believe he would compromise what he wants/his happiness for hers and as much as it’s how it should be with regards to him doing anything for her, I don’t think he should give up on everything he cares about

How is it fair when women take their husband's surname? Can you explain how the surname will be a pain for everyone? How often will family even use this surname? Probably only when sending cards and presents through the post.

PurpleThistle7 · 06/04/2025 07:03

I changed my name to my husband’s and I’m not sure why I did it. I wouldn’t say I regret it as I don’t care that much, but it’s never felt like ‘my’ name. Just a name I have now. it’s one of the weirdest symptoms of the patriarchy really so I’m mostly sorry I participated in it.

I have friends who are married and kept their names and their children have her name. Everyone has coped!

This is none of your business and you should be proud of your son. Please do make an effort of referring to them properly though - my friend hyphenated but her in-laws refused to acknowledge it and always called them the Smith family instead of the James-Smith family and it was quite upsetting

alwaysdeleteyourcookies · 06/04/2025 07:04

You're upset? Genuinely upset? Get a massive grip. Not your life. Not your business.

DeskJotter · 06/04/2025 07:05

If the name is something like Greenwood-Williamson, I'm not sure why anyone thinks they would need to spell it out to people over the phone. It's two very common, easy to spell names.

DeskJotter · 06/04/2025 07:07

TheGentleOpalMember · 06/04/2025 05:31

I voted YANBU I wouldn't like this either. Double barrelled names are batshit fucking ridiculous. And imagine saddling an innocent child with such a long name. It's a lot of a little kid to learn and deal with. The kid will sound like a law firm! Not to mention putting it on forms. I'd be telling him straight how selfish and ridiculous it is.

Why are double-barrelled names batshit and ridiculous?

nomas · 06/04/2025 07:08

I think he is completely undermining how much of a burden having to keep repeating and spelling the double barrelled names will be, especially as they are hoping for children one day.

If the name is long, why don’t you suggest to them that any future children just take their mother’s surname? Your son could either take his wife’s name or keep his own. Then no need for double-barrelling. Simple.

DeskJotter · 06/04/2025 07:09

arcticpandas · 06/04/2025 05:41

I understand you. I didn't want my children to have double names so I decided to give them dp's at the time. When we got married I took his name to have the same as my children. I think it's really impractical to have double names.
That being said I don't think you bringing it up will change how they feel about this. Your Dil has made up her mind on keeping her name so you just have to respect that your son is onboard with this and don't mention it to them. Their life, their problem. Focus on having a good relationship with both of them, it will make you all so much happier.

Show quote history

Why is it impractical?

MyIvyGrows · 06/04/2025 07:10

orangegato · 06/04/2025 06:00

Very serious question, as more and more people double barrel, when two people with ‘already’ double barrelled names get married, what on earth happens?

Do they quadruple barrel? Pick half of each? Just don’t get this at all.

They use one, use both, use half of each, or pick a new one.

anyone can use any surname they like, and change their current one to whatever they like.

DeskJotter · 06/04/2025 07:12

orangegato · 06/04/2025 06:00

Very serious question, as more and more people double barrel, when two people with ‘already’ double barrelled names get married, what on earth happens?

Do they quadruple barrel? Pick half of each? Just don’t get this at all.

They usually pick half each. You seem to have lived a sheltered life. Look at the entire country of Spain, for example.

Pricelessadvice · 06/04/2025 07:12

Another who can’t work out why you are so bothered. He’s a grown man, if he wants a long surname, that’s up to him.

pelargoniums · 06/04/2025 07:13

DeskJotter · 06/04/2025 07:09

Why is it impractical?

Show quote history

I have to buy 1.5 more biros a year on average than a singular surname to write out all the extra letters. The burden is tremendous.

DeskJotter · 06/04/2025 07:13

TheCountofMountingCrispBags · 06/04/2025 06:17

You are quite out of step in your thinking. Clearly, based on the responses to this thread.

LongTimeLurker264 · 06/04/2025 07:13

Wow, what year is it?! As the majority have said, none of this is your business at all. And fwiw, my parents were having discussions about which surname to give their children for fairness back in the 80s, so it's not just 'this generation'.

LBFseBrom · 06/04/2025 07:13

I think it is a very good idea and don't understand why you have a problem with it. If you think think they might break up, in that instance it's they would both go back to their original names and any children will keep the double barreled names.

Watermill · 06/04/2025 07:14

@MsArgent can you clarify what you mean when you reference that your DS will be having to give up on everything he cares about?

Pippinsdiary · 06/04/2025 07:14

“grandparents are horrified” 😂😂

Mnetcurious · 06/04/2025 07:16

They could just take her surname instead of double-barrelling. Problem solved. YABU.

TheCurious0range · 06/04/2025 07:16

When DH told his parents he was also double barrelling they said yes good idea, you both get to keep your names that way but have one family name.

No one was horrified, not even his grandparents.
You should be pleased that your son doesn't buy into patriarchal nonsense.

Luckily our son also isn't traumatised by it. He understands what a problem actually is and he's only 6.

mamajong · 06/04/2025 07:16

Yabu, he is an adult getting married and you have no say. Continuing on this track could lead to alienating your DIL. Let it go - his life, his issue

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