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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be upset DS is going to double barrel his surname when he gets married?

743 replies

MsArgent · 06/04/2025 00:41

DS is due to marry his girlfriend soon and they have recently announced they’re going to double barrel. I am not against double barrelled surnames and I do of course understand that it’s 2025 and more of a modern concept to keep it “fair”. However it’s truly just too long. Her surname is really quite long, along the lines of Williamson and we have a 2 syllable 8 letter one! I have asked him what he wants and he said originally he didn’t consider it and did think it would just be his surname, until she spoke up about what she wanted and he was open to it and said yes. I asked if he responded to it at all and questioned the practicality and he just says no he didn’t because it’s not a big deal. I think he is completely undermining how much of a burden having to keep repeating and spelling the double barrelled names will be, especially as they are hoping for children one day. I get it’s his life but what is the general opinion on this? I am curious if he would change his mind when realising what people will actually be thinking behind his back. Grandparents are horrified but I have tried to explain it’s more usual nowadays and DH doesn’t like it at all but hasn’t said anything yet

OP posts:
PeriPeriMam · 06/04/2025 05:12

MsArgent · 06/04/2025 01:35

I am glad that they won’t be judged for it if the replies here are anything to go by. I’m just not sure we are surrounded by people similar to the replies here as I’ve casually mentioned it to friends and they haven’t replied similar to the ones here at all. It honestly is more about the length and having to spell it out because people didn’t clock it’s 2 names etc that’s far more the problem. If the names went together, I really wouldn’t be here thinking oh they can’t do that because she needs to take his name. It’s obviously not this but it’s along the lines of Greenwood-Williamson. It’s very long and clunky

Don't worry about this. I'm sure you'll find something else to casually try and undermine your son's wife about soon enough. Perhaps move on to how she dresses or whether she chooses to breastfeed or not.

Longma · 06/04/2025 05:13

I don’t think him just taking her surname is fair and nor do I think DS would want to completely lose his…… I don’t think he should give up on everything he cares about
——

So why is it fair that they only take his surname?
Maybe she doesn’t want to completely lose her surname.
Why should she give up something that is presumably something she cares about?

Swiftie1878 · 06/04/2025 05:21

This isn’t about the name, clearly.
Mind your own.

RhiWrites · 06/04/2025 05:23

MsArgent · 06/04/2025 01:47

Do people genuinely never have concerns over their children? I understand it’s not my name and it’s not something I will have to deal with but do people not think about their children and their decisions?

As a woman, I’d be glad to know my future grandchildren would be raised by a woman committed to keeping her own identity and her feminist values. Especially under pressure from Team Horrified.

Einszwei · 06/04/2025 05:28

I grew up with a very long double barrel name which is also hard to pronounce. Sometimes it doesn't easily fit on a form but it's a minor inconvenience. On the flipside I've always appreciated the fact I'm really easy to spot on a list of names.

When I got married I kept my name because I love it so much (and it was too long to triple barrel).

TheGentleOpalMember · 06/04/2025 05:31

I voted YANBU I wouldn't like this either. Double barrelled names are batshit fucking ridiculous. And imagine saddling an innocent child with such a long name. It's a lot of a little kid to learn and deal with. The kid will sound like a law firm! Not to mention putting it on forms. I'd be telling him straight how selfish and ridiculous it is.

Zanatdy · 06/04/2025 05:31

I can’t see that this would overly bother me. Why should it always be the woman who gives up her name? She clearly has a reason for wanting to keep her name, so double barrel is something many people do. Someone I know, the wife double-barrelled, but her husband and DC just have husbands name. Guess he didn’t want to double barrel. I personally don’t like double barrelled names but I wouldn’t comment if one of my sons told me he was double barrelling the name on marriage. It’s their choice, and whether or not your son really wants to do it, isn’t your choice, or the grandparents. Being horrified is a bit of an over reaction.

ColinOfficeTrolley · 06/04/2025 05:34

Absolutely fuckity fuck all to do with you.

Really hope they double barrell and then drop your surname 😂

That would really 'horrify' everyone

ThisFluentBiscuit · 06/04/2025 05:36

It's very unfair that the woman is expected to take her husband's name, but on the other hand, double-barrelling means that the next generation can't do the same. I don't know what the equitable solution is. Double-barrelling does often lead to long, complicated names. In the States, the strong trend is for the woman to add her husband's name onto her own, but not to hyphenate, and the children have his name only. So Jane Smith becomes Jane Smith Brown, the husband remains Brown, and the children are Brown. At least this solves the problem of the children having complicated names.

It's weird that society has moved on in so many ways since the olden days and yet the patriarchal naming system has remained so entrenched. You'd think we'd have reached a point where some couples choose his name, some choose hers, and it's quite an even split. This would also be better, because then couples could choose the nicest name! Lots of people have awful surnames. I have an elegant French surname and I once dated someone with the surname Hanratty! Dreadful, compared to my nice one.

But families almost always having the man's name still is just another example of how reluctant men are to be equal with women, instead of dominant over them.

arcticpandas · 06/04/2025 05:41

MsArgent · 06/04/2025 01:47

Do people genuinely never have concerns over their children? I understand it’s not my name and it’s not something I will have to deal with but do people not think about their children and their decisions?

I understand you. I didn't want my children to have double names so I decided to give them dp's at the time. When we got married I took his name to have the same as my children. I think it's really impractical to have double names.
That being said I don't think you bringing it up will change how they feel about this. Your Dil has made up her mind on keeping her name so you just have to respect that your son is onboard with this and don't mention it to them. Their life, their problem. Focus on having a good relationship with both of them, it will make you all so much happier.

FortyElephants · 06/04/2025 05:44

I do think it’s fair to say it’s slightly different for her to give it up vs DS

Fucking hell. What an attitude.

Maddy70 · 06/04/2025 05:45

It seems an entirely sensible decision and what on earth does this have to do with you ?

FortyElephants · 06/04/2025 05:45

Longma · 06/04/2025 05:13

I don’t think him just taking her surname is fair and nor do I think DS would want to completely lose his…… I don’t think he should give up on everything he cares about
——

So why is it fair that they only take his surname?
Maybe she doesn’t want to completely lose her surname.
Why should she give up something that is presumably something she cares about?

Because according to OP I do think it’s fair to say it’s slightly different for her to give it up vs DS It's different for girls you know!

PolicyAdvising · 06/04/2025 05:48

Grandparents are horrified

Are they normally easily upset? This is rather an extreme reaction.

Stop escalating this minor issue. Stop the hand-wringing with the grandparents. Get a sense of perspective. It’s up to them how they spell their surname. If it affects their kids, that’s for your son and his wife to manage.

Longma · 06/04/2025 05:50

MsArgent · 06/04/2025 01:47

Do people genuinely never have concerns over their children? I understand it’s not my name and it’s not something I will have to deal with but do people not think about their children and their decisions?

Of course people have worries and concerns over their children and their children’s decisions, regardless of age.

But I wouldn’t be worried or concerned over my child’s surname after marriage. I simply don’t see it as something toworry about,

PolicyAdvising · 06/04/2025 05:50

MsArgent · 06/04/2025 01:35

I am glad that they won’t be judged for it if the replies here are anything to go by. I’m just not sure we are surrounded by people similar to the replies here as I’ve casually mentioned it to friends and they haven’t replied similar to the ones here at all. It honestly is more about the length and having to spell it out because people didn’t clock it’s 2 names etc that’s far more the problem. If the names went together, I really wouldn’t be here thinking oh they can’t do that because she needs to take his name. It’s obviously not this but it’s along the lines of Greenwood-Williamson. It’s very long and clunky

I’ve casually mentioned it to friends

Please stop gossiping to friends about them, and find a hobby.

FortyElephants · 06/04/2025 05:50

TheSilentSister · 06/04/2025 01:55

I would be insulted/chocked if a child of mine decided to use a name other than his own.

Does this apply to daughters too? Or just precious boys?

Longma · 06/04/2025 05:52

TheGentleOpalMember · 06/04/2025 05:31

I voted YANBU I wouldn't like this either. Double barrelled names are batshit fucking ridiculous. And imagine saddling an innocent child with such a long name. It's a lot of a little kid to learn and deal with. The kid will sound like a law firm! Not to mention putting it on forms. I'd be telling him straight how selfish and ridiculous it is.

It’s not your decision and not something worth causing an argument over, surely? its a name and it’s not your name.

and if the surname is such a big deal - he can take his partner’s name just as easily, surely?

FortyElephants · 06/04/2025 05:52

MsArgent · 06/04/2025 01:47

Do people genuinely never have concerns over their children? I understand it’s not my name and it’s not something I will have to deal with but do people not think about their children and their decisions?

Concerns about important issues, yes, but even then you shouldn't offer unsolicited advice generally speaking and should still respect that they have free choice as adults. Concerns about things that don't affect me or them in a negative way and are none of my business? Nope.

nosleepforme · 06/04/2025 05:53

Obviously not the same circumstances but…
the late queen had a double barrelled surname
Mountbatten - Windsor
also, not so short and easy. But that’s what they decided out of respect for each other.
no one is going to care! Maybe not so typical in some circles but people have better things to worry about.

Parker231 · 06/04/2025 05:55

MsArgent · 06/04/2025 01:47

Do people genuinely never have concerns over their children? I understand it’s not my name and it’s not something I will have to deal with but do people not think about their children and their decisions?

I kept my surname when we got married and DH kept his. DT’s have both our surnames double barrelled. It is very long, difficult for English speakers to pronounce and spell but it was very important to us that both our family names were included. DT’s are proud of being a part of both our families.

what surname do you think should be used when they get married and have children?

Newusername3kidss · 06/04/2025 05:57

MsArgent · 06/04/2025 01:35

I am glad that they won’t be judged for it if the replies here are anything to go by. I’m just not sure we are surrounded by people similar to the replies here as I’ve casually mentioned it to friends and they haven’t replied similar to the ones here at all. It honestly is more about the length and having to spell it out because people didn’t clock it’s 2 names etc that’s far more the problem. If the names went together, I really wouldn’t be here thinking oh they can’t do that because she needs to take his name. It’s obviously not this but it’s along the lines of Greenwood-Williamson. It’s very long and clunky

How old are you / how old are kids?? I’m in my 40s and we double barrelled and I know many others who have. It’s really not a big deal and not a “this is what the young kids are doing”. Both our names are 8 letters and 2 syllables. My kids have managed just fine as well. Why should a woman lose her identity / name the whole idea of taking the man’s name is just so old fashioned.

Longma · 06/04/2025 05:58

I do think it’s fair to say it’s slightly different for her to give it up vs DS

Why?
Why is his surname more important than her surname?

Patriarchy is the only reason why woman in this country - it isn’t the norm in all countries - take their new husband’s name.
Just because something happened in the past doesn’t mean it has to always be that way.

these days people get to chose what works best for them:
Both can take the man’s surnamE
Both can take the woman’s surname
Both can keep their own surname
Both could double barrel their surnames
Both could chose a brand new surname of their own

Whatdafudge · 06/04/2025 05:59

Trying to think how often in a month I have to say or write my surname or my nursery aged daughters name (who incidentally took my surname, not her dad’s /my fiancée’s name - lucky for use everyone accepted our choice and reasoning for this. Both surnames are pretty standard, mines just slightly cooler sounding!ha!

orangegato · 06/04/2025 06:00

Very serious question, as more and more people double barrel, when two people with ‘already’ double barrelled names get married, what on earth happens?

Do they quadruple barrel? Pick half of each? Just don’t get this at all.