To be upset DS is going to double barrel his surname when he gets married?

[MsArgent]

DS is due to marry his girlfriend soon and they have recently announced they’re going to double barrel. I am not against double barrelled surnames and I do of course understand that it’s 2025 and more of a modern concept to keep it “fair”. However it’s truly just too long. Her surname is really quite long, along the lines of Williamson and we have a 2 syllable 8 letter one! I have asked him what he wants and he said originally he didn’t consider it and did think it would just be his surname, until she spoke up about what she wanted and he was open to it and said yes. I asked if he responded to it at all and questioned the practicality and he just says no he didn’t because it’s not a big deal. I think he is completely undermining how much of a burden having to keep repeating and spelling the double barrelled names will be, especially as they are hoping for children one day. I get it’s his life but what is the general opinion on this? I am curious if he would change his mind when realising what people will actually be thinking behind his back. Grandparents are horrified but I have tried to explain it’s more usual nowadays and DH doesn’t like it at all but hasn’t said anything yet

See, I gave my reasons. Everyone is entitled to their own. I actually gave mine as an example of why I very much advocate the choice of what to do.

And it was in response to a PP who seems to think that all women need to make the same decisions as her in order to make the world better. But at the end of the day, if a woman wants to take her husband's name, who does that hurt? What's the problem? She's doing what she wants, exercising her right to choose for herself. It's all good.

Nah none your business I’m afraid - I have a very long double -barrel surname and I wanted it as I didn’t want to lose my surname before marriage - my children have the same surnames too.

Oh I agree. It’s a sexist tradition but it’s not the only one. This particular one is not for me but if other women like it then I love that for them.

Of course, but she's not wrong about those decisions being made in a societal context. People can call themselves whatever they want, and nobody has any obligation not to do something because they couldn't possibly come to a decision about it in a vacuum, but facts remain facts.

I’ve been married twice and was a Ms before, during and after marriage.

It sounds right for her. It's important to keep your own name at work, if you have a career job.

Em...agreed? Where is this coming from?

My son in law took my daughter’s last name. Why don’t you suggest that?

I haven’t demanded anything.

The standard reasons women change their names are:

didn’t feel attached to it
it came from a horrible person
want to share a name
hard to spell/boring

Weirdly, the male brothers and cousins of these women overwhelmingly opt to keep their names regardless of any of that. These reasons may be valid, but most can be resolved by deed poll on your 18th birthday and women generally wait for marriage to be unburdened from these apparently dreadful names that their male counterparts have no issue keeping.

Now, it can’t be a genetic difference causing this. And we don’t see it in other cultures, as noted throughout this thread. So I wonder how on earth it’s so strongly skewed towards the females in our society. It’s one heck of a coincidence if there isn’t any impact from socialising sexes differently…….. it’s truly a conundrum.

i have my own name everywhere. Why isn’t that important?

But she wanted to keep her name at work, and you were suggesting that was worse than wholesale changing her name. I don't get it.

And I explained why I said it was the worst of both worlds.

You want to appear to be a feminist at work, but at home you’ve submitted to the patriarchy. You have all the admin hassle of changing names on bank accounts and passports, but if you need to travel for work, cos you know, career, your employer is likely to book it in your work name causing a load more admin hassle. And then if you split up you have to maintain both personas in some form.

A dear friend changed her name on marriage, got a PhD and wrote several books in her married name and then they split up. She’s getting married next month with a blended family and now basically feels like she’s stuck with the “ex-of-husband 1” identity because she used it for her work.

My husband had a double barrelled surname already when we got married and I took his name. Honestly it’s a pain in the arse. It has an unusual spelling that no one gets right so I tend to go by just the bit that’s easier to spell. If I’d realised all the aggro it would cause I’d have stuck with my maiden name.

Change back.

My kids have double barrelled names and we haven't yet been inconvenienced by it, for those suggesting it will cause problems. In fact my DH and I have different surnames and the kids are myname-hisname and we haven't had any issues at all.

I’d rather be chavvy than so thick or brainwashed that I knowingly uphold a tradition born of misogyny and patriarchy, that labels women as property to be passed from father to husband.

Haven’t the names clung onto by women mostly come from men anyway?

Might be simpler for him to just take her name then

Yes, obviously.

My grandchildren have 8 surnames.

I mean I am disappointed that they didn't use common sense and follow the decision of their grandparents to do what seemed sensible and right for them, and just kept following the tradition of hyphenating in our family. But it isn't my business so I have not tried to persuade them or gossiped with my friends about them etc.

(honestly why do so many people on these threads think this is an original or a 'gotcha' point to make?)

My child is double barrelled. We weren't married. We didn't give a middle name because of the double barrelling.
It's fine.
Not your choice either.

Which is why it would have been better to keep her own name at work, no?

Why is it that when it's about a woman's name, it always has to be pointed out that in most cases, it is also the fathers name yet when we're talking about a man's name, it is just his name?

My name is my name as much as my DH's name is his name but yes, both of our names came from our fathers.

It has been my name for 35+ years at this point. It's my name and there's no way I would've given it up just because I got married.

You don’t have to. For me it was symbolic - rejecting a name associated with losers and taking the name of a family who wanted me to e part of theirs. Odd that you don’t understand that, really.

“Clung onto”? My dad didn’t change his name when he married – was he “clinging onto” it? Or does it only apply to women?