To be upset DS is going to double barrel his surname when he gets married?

[MsArgent]

DS is due to marry his girlfriend soon and they have recently announced they’re going to double barrel. I am not against double barrelled surnames and I do of course understand that it’s 2025 and more of a modern concept to keep it “fair”. However it’s truly just too long. Her surname is really quite long, along the lines of Williamson and we have a 2 syllable 8 letter one! I have asked him what he wants and he said originally he didn’t consider it and did think it would just be his surname, until she spoke up about what she wanted and he was open to it and said yes. I asked if he responded to it at all and questioned the practicality and he just says no he didn’t because it’s not a big deal. I think he is completely undermining how much of a burden having to keep repeating and spelling the double barrelled names will be, especially as they are hoping for children one day. I get it’s his life but what is the general opinion on this? I am curious if he would change his mind when realising what people will actually be thinking behind his back. Grandparents are horrified but I have tried to explain it’s more usual nowadays and DH doesn’t like it at all but hasn’t said anything yet

But what if the women doesn't want to keep her name? What if she prefers her husbands? For any reason?

Those women have to stop because you don't like that they're changing?

I know men who have changed to their wives name. I know men who double barrelled. I know women who kept their own 100% of the time, women who kept theirs professionally and women who changed to their husbands 100% of the time.

The choice exists. And if a woman feels really strongly about keeping her name and the man feels really strongly about her changing to his with no option for discussion about it, the woman should question if they're the right match.

Everyone having a choice isn't about women all doing the one thing. It's about conversations and compromise and women being strong enough to speak up about what they want. I didn't want to keep my name. But under your rules I'd have had to, just so others could.

They could just keep their own surnames?

if 2 already double barrelled peiple marry, do they quadruple barrel?

Page 22! And we’re still worrying about quadruple surnames!

I don't see why I should lose my name. I had my surname for 30 years no way was I losing it. I liked the sound of ours put together so we did that. Nothing to do with insecurity, just a fact that I love my name and didn't feel the need to part with it.
Everyone has a choice to do what they want, but there's no need to call people names, that's uncalled for. They just have a different view to you.

Wow, I get it now, you're just judgemental

So you speak for them tired British population? 🤔

That should say entire population!

The men in this scenario almost certainly got their name from someone else. So if the woman's name doesn't count as her own without caveats than neither does the father's.

Either everyone has their own name and it belongs equally to all those using it, or a surname isn't really yours if someone had it before you and that includes males too. Pick one and go with it. The latter is a stupid argument, but at least would be consistent.

Nooooooooo

So, when my told my DH I didn’t fancy taking his VERY common place name (think Smith, Jones and the next one you think of will likely be it) he told me that: his parents adored me and would always be there for me, that by taking his name I was being welcomed into a family who would be there for me through thick and thin and would love me as much and as hard as he did. I relented. And they have, loved and supported me and our kids through some serious shit, unconditionally. So while I rail against the patriarchy, I embraced a new beginning with a family that loved me and my babies.

So they wouldn’t have loved you had you not branded yourself with their name?!

what else has your “darling husband” manipulated you into?

Little boys aren’t socialised into giving up their names.

Little girls are.

The decision isn’t made in a vacuum without influence from elsewhere.

Mr and Mrs banana hammock?

My decision was made because I'd rather have had the name of a very nice person than my abusive grandfather.

Had I (and everyone else in my small village) not thought of my "Grandad Jones" when I heard my surname, the type of person I am I likely would have chosen to keep my name by double-barrelling our surnames. And the reason I'd have combined the two rather than just keeping my maiden name is because I very much love the fact we're all one unit with the same name. As it was, I chose to leave behind the negative feelings I associated with my maiden name.

Women are capable of making decisions for themselves without you demanding they all follow your train of thought.

You didn’t have to take it.

It’s fascinating to me that only women have abusive male family members, never men. I hear lots of women who want to change their name because their “dad / grandfather was a terrible person” but have yet to hear of any men who wish to take their wife’s name for the same reason.

You must admit that’s a little odd, no?

It’s not that my name isn’t mine, it’s that I feel as much of an affinity to my mother’s and grandmother’s maiden names as to the name as I was given. All last names are arbitrary anyway, someone chose them for you at some point and so I personally don’t view itas a significant part of my identity. Clearly, judging by this thread, some people do. That’s fine. Each to their own.

There's always some negative associations with the woman's name which meant she as delighted to give it up whereas a man can be called John Hitler-Paedoface and nobody suggests he might like to change his...

The tradition is from ownership. That’s literally where it began from in the UK.

I absolutely would suggest he might like to change his and I definitely wouldn't have taken it.

I get being surprised, but upset and horrified is a bit much.

The only people IRL that I've heard say anything against double-barrelled - even really long ones - was a few much older people who associated with it posh money-grabbing types (the idea that they needed to show their full lineage), so the association here with chavs is an interesting contrast.

I didn't "give up" my birth certificate surname - that's not really legally possible, even with a name change, all previous names are legally connected to the person. My husband and I discussed a range of family surnames and we both chose one to go forward and share together as our community names (we both use other names for other purposes).

I also changed all my forenames, which wasn't giving up on all my dreams, but the culmination of a childhood dream as the names on my birth certificate were all begrudgingly given.

Why does a culture need a system?

Because humans make systems, and by definition, culture includes what humans create including all the social systems and customs like naming customs within the groups involved.

These systems are bound to change - centuries back, most people didn't have surnames at all, and even now there are cultures that don't, some which are being pushed to do so in order to standardise passports and similar. There have been similar issues when cultures have had systems where names are added or changed over a lifetime at life events, but there is international pressure for names to be standardise at birth registration. A little over a century ago, most people in the UK didn't have titles, most women didn't have to concern themselves with which cut up version of Mistress to use, now it's practically impossible to not use a title & there are all sorts of associations with each version.

Why do men get to own their surname but women merely rent theirs temporarily?

And a decision of a surname after marrying only needs to be made if the couple wants one or both to amend their name. Many people are happy marrying and maintaining their names.

I worked with a man who changed his name to his mother's maiden name because of the very same thing.

So yes, it does happen to men too.

The way to gain equality isn't to just throw everything in the opposite direction. So many "feminists" these days just want to change the patriarchy for a matriarchy and that's not equality.

True equality is having the same choices and opportunities as one another.

I mean the same is true for your first name too but many would find it odd if you were expected to change your first name on marriage.

”Yes it happens to men too”

Really? I mean how often really does it? You have one example. I could pull up one example per week of women doing the same.

Look name changing is not my tradition but if women like it, then I love it.

I just don’t see why people make up all this pretend justification. Yes it’s a sexist tradition but most people just like it. That’s why far more women than men do it. And why far more women than men just “randomly” hate the male family member they share a name with.

It’s also why I still see divorced women using the names of ex-husbands who they loathe!

My DH and all our children have my original surname .

The horror. I can’t even begin to imagine what people must of said but honestly I couldn’t care less.

Your DS is free to make his own decision and their marriage will be between them. You will have to let go at some point