To be upset DS is going to double barrel his surname when he gets married?

[MsArgent]

DS is due to marry his girlfriend soon and they have recently announced they’re going to double barrel. I am not against double barrelled surnames and I do of course understand that it’s 2025 and more of a modern concept to keep it “fair”. However it’s truly just too long. Her surname is really quite long, along the lines of Williamson and we have a 2 syllable 8 letter one! I have asked him what he wants and he said originally he didn’t consider it and did think it would just be his surname, until she spoke up about what she wanted and he was open to it and said yes. I asked if he responded to it at all and questioned the practicality and he just says no he didn’t because it’s not a big deal. I think he is completely undermining how much of a burden having to keep repeating and spelling the double barrelled names will be, especially as they are hoping for children one day. I get it’s his life but what is the general opinion on this? I am curious if he would change his mind when realising what people will actually be thinking behind his back. Grandparents are horrified but I have tried to explain it’s more usual nowadays and DH doesn’t like it at all but hasn’t said anything yet

Surely it should only be pushed back on if all women don't like it or it actually harms them in some way?

I had no attachment to my maiden surname, my grandfather on that side was actually quite abusive to his wife and children. What I do have an attachment to is my family I'm building with my husband. The fact we all have one surname defines us as one unit. Whether that happens through one of us changing or both of us double-barrelling, I'm not that fussed.

Marital rape, yes we absolutely should have abolished. Wives taking husbands surnames is not in the same league as that. What we should be doing is advocating the choice.

If you think it's unfair if he takes her surname why wouldn't it be equally unfair for her to take his?

Why on earth are you upset that an adult has decided on a name? It's so strange.

Why? Your “maiden name” is likely your father’s name anyway. And even if you choose to use your mother’s last name, that likely came from her father. A decision as to the last name has to be made somewhere along the family tree doesn’t it?

She answered that - because it's less unfair for a woman to lose her name because of tradition. 🙄

And OP, you really need to get a grip. Unless you’re royalty, I fail to see why this is keeping you up at night.

Fuck me, this old shit
my 'maiden' name is MY name. Not my father's name that I'm somehow borrowing until I get married. Don't you see the inherent patriarchal influence in your assertion that women's names aren't really their own because they come from their father usually??

but what about your mother’s maiden name? That equally could have been yours. Currently, it’s more than likely that we’re given a name from our father so I really don’t see the issue in choosing to use your husband’s. If you do, then don’t change your name.

edited to add: I don’t feel a particularly strong connection with my last name. i’m v close to my mother’s family and feel that name is equally a part of me, although i was never given it. I don’t care what’s on my passport either way.

A choice men are NEVER expected to make. No ta.

You're missing the point 🙄
the name, no matter which parent it came from or neither, belongs to YOU. It's your name. Not your father's or your mother's name. Names are extremely important parts of our identity. Telling women they might as well change their name to their husband because their name wasn't really theirs in the first place since they share it with their father is peak patriarchy.

Well I don’t feel as though my name is a strong part of my identity at all and people feel how they feel. I feel a strong affinity to my mother’s maiden name and my maternal grandmother’s maiden name. I don’t particularly feel any stronger about the one that happened to be chosen for me. And that’s fine.

But that would be the difference. Advocate a choice for all. Rather than just saying "women do this instead" and making it always the women who have to change things.

Bingo card is close to calling “House” now.

NEWSFLASH: Women can own their surnames. Not just men.

I’ve never seen a man’s surname referred to as “his dad’s”.

And to be clear, people can choose to name themselves as they please. This is just my rationale. I’m not moved one way or the other if you don’t agree.

but it likely was given to him from his dad though wasn’t it? I don’t care if it was Mother’s or his Dad’s name, a choice was made.

YABU, it's nothing to do with you.
I say this as a potential MIL as I have an adult son and girlfriend - if they get married I wouldn't dream of interfering in their married name choice, talk about making them want to back off from you early on!

I do. I also think there should be a title that denotes that a man in married. Poor sods only ever being able to be “Mr” and not the child-in-a-sweetshop opportunity of Miss, Ms and Mrs.

But men won’t, will they, unless women stop. If it’s so important for them to share a name with their spouse or children, let them change. Women need to stop changing theirs and stop giving the father’s name to their children. Otherwise the forums of the future will be having exactly the same conversations.

I make a point of asking every groom if they’ll be taking their wife’s name. :D

Yes, they came from somewhere. Of course they did.

But men are never told their names shouldn’t matter to them because “it’s your dad’s name really, why not change to your FIL’s surname instead?”

I think people should start a new trend of blending surnames rather than hyphenating :) So, for example, instead of Clark-Hopkinson, you'd have Clopkinson, or Hork. Smith-Jones would become Smones or Jith, Griffiths-Stanford would be Granford or Staffiths etc. etc.

I may not be entirely serious.

I know a couple who did this. Childfree by choice too, they just wanted the same solo surname. My DH and I have a joke surname that we sometimes call ourselves which is a hybrid but in reality I like my name and never want to change it.

I’ve never been told my name doesn’t matter. For what it’s worth, I still have my so-called “maiden name” and have a different name to my children. I personally do not set any truck by my last name, but I have no issue with people who do. In this day and age and in this country, women are free to do as they please with their names. I’ve just explained my own personal feelings as to why I wouldn’t feel strongly about changing my name. That is all. Women are not obliged to change their name when they marry and in my circle it’s a mix of those who have and haven’t. No issues either way.

What about when their child has children? Will they be expected to have quadruple barrelled surnames?
It's probably time that women kept their own name and children are given their mother's name.

In Spain for example people give their child one surname from each parent.

I took my DH’s name. I nearly didn’t because I had a fairly rare English maiden name. But I’d used that since 16 having assumed a step fathers name. So at 32, I had had an unrelated step dad’s surname and then the name the father who left my mother (not unsurprisingly as she was barking) when I was an infant. So, when my told my DH I didn’t fancy taking his VERY common place name (think Smith, Jones and the next one you think of will likely be it) he told me that: his parents adored me and would always be there for me, that by taking his name I was being welcomed into a family who would be there for me through thick and thin and would love me as much and as hard as he did. I relented. And they have, loved and supported me and our kids through some serious shit, unconditionally. So while I rail against the patriarchy, I embraced a new beginning with a family that loved me and my babies.

My eldest, however, wishes we blended our names (not double barrelled ‘cos they simply did not flow), and plans to use the blended version of our names as hers when she writes/publishes her graphic novels one day.

TLDR: I guess it’s about what the surnames mean to the individuals concerned. If OP’s DiL to be adores her family and wants them honoured and preserved in the names she passes to her children, alongside that of the OP/her DH, then perhaps OP needs to respect and honour that too.

What a weird argument for taking his name. Would they not have loved and supported you if you'd kept your name?
It's nice you're pleased with your decision and you have a lovely set of in laws but I don't get the justification.

It seems like you've raised a wonderful man that fully embraces equality in his relationship with his future wife.

If anything, you should be pleased with his decision, being a woman yourself.