To be upset DS is going to double barrel his surname when he gets married?

[MsArgent]

DS is due to marry his girlfriend soon and they have recently announced they’re going to double barrel. I am not against double barrelled surnames and I do of course understand that it’s 2025 and more of a modern concept to keep it “fair”. However it’s truly just too long. Her surname is really quite long, along the lines of Williamson and we have a 2 syllable 8 letter one! I have asked him what he wants and he said originally he didn’t consider it and did think it would just be his surname, until she spoke up about what she wanted and he was open to it and said yes. I asked if he responded to it at all and questioned the practicality and he just says no he didn’t because it’s not a big deal. I think he is completely undermining how much of a burden having to keep repeating and spelling the double barrelled names will be, especially as they are hoping for children one day. I get it’s his life but what is the general opinion on this? I am curious if he would change his mind when realising what people will actually be thinking behind his back. Grandparents are horrified but I have tried to explain it’s more usual nowadays and DH doesn’t like it at all but hasn’t said anything yet

Honestly op. You’re overthinking this. So what if the name is long and a bit awkward. In our global world no one bats an eyelid at all sorta of unusual names.
As a family they’ve decided they want to have the same name as will their kids what ever you do not mention any thing negative to your son or daughter in law. That will not end well for you.
maybe just accept that you’re slightly old fashioned in this regard and people have moved on.

Long winded names have never done the Anstruther-Gough-Calthorpe family any harm whatsoever so I wouldn't worry

Firstly, even if they were ‘judged’ for it, how do you think that would actually have any impact on their lives? People might think ‘That’s a long name’. So what? They’re not going to be shunned for it, ffs. It’s just a name.

Secondly, what does it matter what your friends think of your adult son’s surname? Why would you give the slightest toss, and more to the point, why should he?

Thirdly, ‘the problem’ is not a problem. Lots of people have long surnames, difficult to spell surnames, hard to pronounce surnames - my own surname has an unusual spelling, in fact. The impact of that on my life is… almost non-existent. Sometimes people spell it wrong if I don’t spell it out for them. And, er… that’s literally it. Given that almost all official business involves filling in your own name online, even that isn’t really an issue any more.

Fourthly, it’s mad that you seem to think you must know better than your son, who is a grown adult man and just as capable as you or any other adult of making his own decisions. It’s so incredibly arrogant and infantilising to imagine that you know better than him on these matters just because you happen to be his mother.

I honestly don’t know how you could possibly think this is anything to do with you let alone have the cheek to raise it with him! I can just imagine the sort of mother in law you’ll be.

Why?

Why does anyone need a family tree?

Why does a culture need a system?

If there are concerns about lineage for inheritance or incest reasons, DNA is much more useful than a naming convention.

I voted YABU, because it’s not about you or the “horrified” Grandparents!

MYOB

What do you think people will be thinking behind his back? I don't really understand.

I have a double barrelled name and neither surname is particularly long but it's never even vaguely been a issue I'm not sure what hassle you are imagining.

My children obviously are also double barreled and again no issue.

You’ve casually discussed it with your friends. You need to find something to occupy your time.

It's totally up to them, but very long names can be problematic. Could you suggest they think of creating a combined name that's just theirs e.g. Greenwill? If the combo name has both families included, then it might suit everyone.

Why are long names problematic?

Vile is picking your nose whilst on a zoom call.

Double barrelled, clunky surname here, it was mine and dh's decision, nobody else's business, kids learnt to spell their surname no issue, what they do with their surname if they marry is their business, not mine (except I would strongly encourage them not to triple / quadruple barrel.... that way lies madness!!).

I'm British. It's not "chavvy". It's also not recent. It also means literally nothing to anyone but the people whose name it is.

I changed my name on marriage. It was much more admin hassle and caused more problems at work than my colleague who changed her name on marriage but kept her maiden for work.

It doesn't have to suit everyone. It only has to suit the OP's son and his wife (well, girlfriend).

Let’s hope they don’t give their children multiple syllable first names too! Imagine the chaos! I don’t know how the Spanish cope! Or any other nationality where they have double or long surnames… you should hear Dfriends name - she’s Nigerian heritage and her full name goes on for about 5 days and yet she seems to manage…

I think having two surnames is better, as someone I used to work with did. Or husband and wife using their maiden names in everything they do.

Their choice though. Choice of children's names is something I can get much more thought and feeling about.

How on earth can you find the energy to care about this?

To people who say it is about ownership. No it is traditional in the UK. If it was ownership then in the continent you would take your husbands name upon marriage and you don’t in Italy and Spain for example. You keep your maiden name (double barrel) and the children double barrel in Spain or get fathers surname Italy. It’s just traditional. You have no option to take your husband or wife surname unless you change it via a deed poll type thing. I quite like uniform rules and
everyone knowing where they stand name-wise. I think I like the Spanish way the best.

Yes it literally is about ownership - that's where the tradition comes from! Just because other patriarchal societies don't have that particular tradition doesn't mean it's not about ownership. Marriage used to be contracted to designate a woman as legally belonging to her husband including all her property, her body and the children she bore. That's why she was labelled with his surname and so were the children. It's all about a) socially and morally sanctioned sex and procreation and b) ownership and transference of property and wealth.

I strongly suspect the horror at the double barrelling is as much or more to do with not wanting to transgress the patriarchal assumption that the wife takes the husband's name rather than the lengthy double barrelling.

Also it's hilarious to think of it as a "generational" thing. My great grandmother, born in the 1880s, double barrelled with her husband. My mum, born in the 1950s, never changed her name for either of her two husbands. And I, born in the 1970s, never married at all. My partner and I gave our children a new name combined of our names, which we are very pleased with.

I would be really proud if a son of mine took his wife's name or double barrelled with her name. I would feel I had succeeded in my aim of bring up a feminist ally.

It was the same as that elsewhere too. People used to do all sorts of things that they don’t do anymore re owning others.

Some if the worst countries nowadays for sexist practices have
no shared surname tradition for the wife, she keeps her name. I can think of some, I won’t name the countries.

Bureaucratic tradition is not necessarily evil, it’s just a method of
keeping consistent naming. You can opt out but in some/many countries there is no concept of Maiden name
and your name is lifelong.

I kept a half and half method, I am a dual citizen and have 2 IDs but nobody forced me to do anything.

And let’s not forget marital rape, which was legal until relatively recently, considering.

wives choosing to take their husband’s name alone is utterly subservient and a tradition that societally should be pushed back against.

I’m a bit biased as MIL kicked off about us doing something very similar… She didn’t want her poor little solider to loose his ‘ identity’ or ‘people would struggle to get their heads around it’. Apparently our wedding day was very upsetting for PIL as they felt their noses were getting rubbed in it (Our cake said Mr & Mrs New Name) and that THEIR grandkids wouldn’t just have their name. Something to do with it also being confusing for future generations to do their family tree…

Basically all the things my parents would be expected to get over if we decided to become Mr & Mrs Smith.

Our anniversary cards come addressed to Mr & Mrs Smith and I rip them up and put them straight in the bin.

Indeed. The man purchased literal rights to his wife's body on marriage as well as all her belongings and any children she bore. Women could not have been more property if the patriarchy tried.